Therapist was kind enough to give me some phone time today to discuss my previous blog entry. It didn't take long to sort through the typical reasons hearing or seeing anything from or about Dr. M. upsets us so much. Therapist also let me vent how tired I am of this still being an issue because I feel we've spent so much time grieving that loss and rebuilding the bridges Dr. M. burned when it came to trusting others with any abuse and or therapy information.
What really hit home in our conversation today is something I've been thinking about for the rest of today. We've done our best over the past couple of years to vilify Dr. M.... to only remember the ways that she hurt us and how she let us think her termination with us was all our fault. Seeing her write nice things to best friend and husband struck a chord b/c it was a subtle reminder of how she isn't a horrible, evil person... that's she's really a very good person who screwed up royally with me.
I was thinking back to when we first started working with therapist almost 4 years ago. Goodness knows we put therapist through the ringer testing her and asking for reassurance all the time that she hadn't changed her mind about working with us yet. We spent a lot of time explaining what we believed to be the demise in our relationship with Dr. M. and how we could keep the same thing from happening with current therapist and our ongoing fears that it was an impossible task. One day we would succeed in running therapist off even though we were still very unsure of what we'd done to run Dr. M. off, other than truly believing it was our fault. As we were trying to explain our fears to therapist, I still remember trying to explain how awful the past couple of years since Dr. M. terminated with us had been while still trying to sort of defend Dr. M. and protect her dignity as a good therapist. At that point I guess I was still very aware of the ways she had been so helpful and caring towards us before things went terribly wrong.
Somehow along the way over the past 4 years Dr. M. has come to stand for everything horrible a counselor can do to a client. In fact, the only thing I was semi thankful to her for was for introducing me to a trauma disorders clinic that helped to keep me alive over a 5 year period after Dr. M. ditched us. I think it was easier (at least for me) this way. It made it easier to not think about or miss Dr. M. It made it easier to feel she was of no consequence to us. It kept the majority of the great pain at bay for so long, I guess I was able to think it didn't exist anymore and we had moved on.
What I've realized today is that in reality, it's a level of pain and grief we've never truly processed and seeing Dr. M's kind note to best friend sparked a fury of memories of times she was so kind and patient and understanding with us... times she went out of her way to help us... memories that at one point she really did care about us... Then the thoughts start up wondering if she still cares about us or think about us at all? Some parts inside would still give anything just to see her and hold her hand, to look into her kind eyes and feel safe in her office with the yellow walls.
Other parts want to get in her face and make sure she knows just how badly she hurt us. They want to know if she remembers the months after she decided she was going to terminate with us and looked for someone else to dump us on? She decided we needed a new therapist in September and didn't find anyone who was willing to "take us" until mid-January. Does she remember the begging? The promises to be a better client? To stop cutting? To never mention being suicidal again? To please not send us away? Does she remember the few weeks after she dumped us on some psychotic therapist when we begged her to help us find someone else b/c the new lady was horrible? They want her to know how we spent the next 2 1/2years bouncing from therapist to therapist and in and out of inpatient stays praying every night that we could just die. They want her to know that in a very different way they feel she traumatized us. They want a heartfelt apology and they want her to feel guilty for the way she treated us.
And how do I feel? I have no idea. I can't seem to separate my own feelings out right now. I seem to vacillate back and forth between the two extremes occasionally stopping in the middle where my rational mind is able to keep any parts from acting on one of these drastic emotions and doing something we will later regret. Mostly I just wish I was in a place where this could be in my past and stay there. I don't want to deal with and work through this intense pain. It's much easier to truly let go of someone you don't like or that you don't love anymore. Unfortunately, this is one of the sucky things about DID b/c there are parts inside that would go back to her in a heartbeat. She was the first person who ever listened to them.. took them seriously... really cared. And it really burns me up that parts of me would run back to her so quickly after everything! We DON'T need her. We have therapist! And therapist is way better to us and been more helpful to us than Dr. M. ever was.
God, you're going to have to take this one. Satan has a stronghold on this one and I don't know how to let it go. I know you are stronger and can not only help us let go of the bitterness but also help us grieve and heal the loss of someone we loved. Healing this pain really feels as though we're going to need a miracle.