Thursday, July 14, 2011

The past week

I feel as though I've been all over the place emotionally in the past week. The anger that I discussed in my last post subsided and was replaced with state of alternating between desperation for help and feeling resigned to just be. I felt incredibly alone over the weekend dealing with some new and painful memories that I couldn't share b/c other parts were so adamant that we could not share the information. Parts were threatening self-injury and death if we told. Now, that may not have happened, but I've learned over the years not to take those threats lightly. I've never been in a place of truly wanting to share the pain I was in and feeling "bullied" into not being able to. Other parts were in that place while the abuse was occurring, but I didn't have that specific experience. I've not shared things in the past by my choice, but never b/c someone else wouldn't let me.

Monday's therapy session broke through a lot of barriers and diffused some parts who were threatening self-harm. I gotta admit. I don't think therapist knew exactly what she was doing, but she did some great work helping parts do a 180 in thinking really quickly. I actually think this is part of what makes her an awesome therapist. She does great work even when she's not fully sure what to do to help me. :) By the time we left her office Monday, safety was no longer an issue and we were able to share the information we'd been dying to share but were too afraid to share.

Over the next couple of days, my rational mind thought this was great. In some aspects I had more of my life back. My emotional mind was still a wreck. There's a lot of new pain setting in regarding the new information that was shared and the shifting taking place inside. Safety is not an issue but some of the pain still feels overwhelming. Several younger parts who are in a lot of pain noticed that we didn't talk to therapist as much and she didn't check in on us between sessions once safety wasn't a concern. This a+b=c thinking led parts to think that the only way to get the attention that they felt we needed was to threaten to or actually self-injure. We spent the next 48 hours arguing with ourselves about how self-injury does not actually equate to safety just b/c people pay more attention to us. We got to talk to therapist about this yesterday, and it was helpful. It didn't "fix" everything, but she helped put parts minds at ease that she doesn't forget about them or not care about them during the times we're not speaking to her - it's not an out of sight, out of mind situation.

Today I feel blah. Not having any self-injury impulses, thankfully. But I want to cry and I think I'd be very content to just lie on my couch all day. On top of all of this therapy stuff, I've had a lot of strong emotions regarding my husband. See, he's on his way home from his 2nd deployment to Afghanistan. He started his trip home Sunday and we thought he'd be home yesterday, but there have been delays, and as of yesterday he was still in Afghanistan. I haven't talked to him in almost 24 hours, so I'm praying he's somewhere in route home now, but I really have no idea. I'm so ready for him to be home, and the emotional drain of thinking he's on his way, then he's not, then he is, then he's not, and now I don't know is almost more than I can handle on top of all of the other emotionally draining situations.

I haven't blogged in several days b/c I don't feel I've been able to articulate what I really feel or want to say. I'm still not sure I succeeded to day. I'm really just hoping this entry makes sense at this time.


  1. This most definitely makes sense. Just want you to know that you're heard and loved. Hope husband makes it home soon. You're right - that's gotta be infuriating on top of everything else. We're here, k? <3

  2. Luckily your talking to people that can identify themselves with you. We are all in the same situation in some way.

    If you feel laying on the couch would make you happy. You should do that. You should focus more on yourself instead of on others. Don't worry if you made yourself useful today, don't worry if this post made sense to us. Do what you think will make you feel better.

    You're going to be okay. There are plenty of people here to support you if you need it.


    - Prozacblogger.

  3. I struggle with this back and forth thought process too. I tend to get more attention (or what I feel like is more attention) when I'm in a bad place and cutting. It's hard to not let that become part of the argument when those urges arise. I want to feel like someone cares about me, so why wouldn't I SI to get that feeling again?

    It's probably something not a lot of people understand, but I just wanted to tell you I do!!

  4. You poor thing, sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now! I can't imagine how stressful that must be with your husband's situation.

    When you're feeling low, just remember to put that good foot forward--stay strong, keep your head up, and do something nice for yourself (sending you a virtual hug right now)!

  5. I think its a massive acheivement that you are able to attend theropy appointments and are able to talk about how you are feeling. It doesnt matter if it makes sense or not, as long as you express it somehow. You probably dont feel like it, but it sounds like there is something in you that really wants to fight this.

    Keep bloggin and take care.
    If you have time check out my blog too, if you like it id love to be on your blogroll, but only if you find it interesting and think your readers might too.

    Peace and love
    I x

  6. I have just discovered your blog.. I can empathise with a lot of what you have experienced and just wanted to encourage you to keep praying, keep seeking God! Lots of love, from another mess x

  7. makes perfectly clear sense, and I agree with another poster above who said simply getting to the appointments is an achievement in it's self.