Sunday, August 11, 2013

Two Years....

Wow! I didn't realize it had been 2 years since I'd written on this blog. I've done some paper journaling and online journaling in the meantime, but I still didn't think it'd been 2 years since I posted here. I'm still working with the same therapist, but in the last 2 years I've moved 3 times, courtesey of the military. I've lived in 2 different states and just last week moved back to my home state because my husband just left for his 3rd deployment to Afghanistan. It was kind of surreal reading my last post where I was waiting for my husband to get home from his 2nd deployment.

In the last 2 years, there's been some pretty significant movement interally. We've been introduced to an entire new set of parts who hold memories that are still hard for me to believe are real because they seem so far fetched, and I have no personal recollection of anything remotely close to what they're saying ever occuring... but I guess I personally don't remember that much of our childhood, so maybe that's not the best gauge. I've had to accept that at least some level of programming was used by my abuser. I naively thought programming only occurred in ritualistic abuse situations, and therefore couldn't have happened to me. The programming stuff is still really new and therapist and I are working on how we're going to navigate this work. We've spent the past 2 years Skyping with therapist because we lived too far away to do sessions in her office. Last week was the first week we've been in her office again, and it's amazing how much more intense the sessions get when we're in the same room with her. It's like this internal governor we keep on ourselves in the rest of our life can come down when we're actually in her office because we know she'll keep us safe from ourselves as well as anyone else.... things quickly become more of a free-for-all in her office. It's good for therapy but I'm not used to it anymore.

For 18 months I was medication free, then I decided back in May to go back on Prozac. I was coping, but life was a lot harder for me than it needed to be. Going back on the Prozac didn't take away any of my struggles, but it gave me more resources to deal with those sturggles in a healthier way and not constantly feel anxious, depressed, and overwhelmed.

For 16 months my husband and I tried to start a family. We saw a dr. and did 6 cycles of fertility drugs, but God has continued to say "not yet" to our desire to start a family. We weren't able to look into any other fertility options due to my husband's deployment, so for now growing our family is on hold. This is probably good from a therapy standpoint, but the body is almost 33 and I truly desire to be a mom, so it's going to be hard to wait this year while husband is away. This topic alone could be dozens more blog entries, so for tonight it will just be an update on what's been going on.

Hoping to get back into blogging. May even start a new blog focusing more on what we've learned and the current struggles we're facing in an effort to be more real about how life is not perfect, but God is... and to talk more about how I'm living life and struggling through life. Life recently has taught me how grateful I am for people who are honest about their struggles but are still striving towards Christ and a better life. It makes it feel so much more attainable for me and helps me not put as many unrealistic expectations on myself. If something in my story can do that for someone else, then how can I not share?

This doesn't do the past 2 years justice, but it's a start.

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