Wednesday, June 16, 2010

air bubbles in a water cooler

So, you know what it looks like when those big air bubbles make their way from the bottom of office water coolers? It can be a big or small bubble, but it makes it's way all the way to the top of the water and sort of pops, then it's gone. Sometimes it's more than one bubble too, especially if someone is actively draining the water cooler.

This is the best way I know to describe the anxiety I've been feeling the past few days. It starts in the pit of my stomach, and slowly rises up through my chest and eventually exits my mouth in the form of silent screams. It's incredibly intense but is fairly short-lived and has been happening at a greater and greater frequency. Typically it occurs during downtime, when I'm not actively engaged in something.

I have no doubt it's coming from a part(s), but I don't know who or why. My guess is that it has to do with being married and some issues that may be triggered that I am unaware of, but this is just my guess. I'm sure therapist and I will talk about it tomorrow, and I'll be grateful if we can figure it out, and I can lose these anxiety episodes. However, the anxiety is so intense, I don't really want to look at it and talk about it either. I want to push the bubbles back down or rush them through and out of my system. I don't want to look at/examine/understand their meaning, origin, etc. I wouldn't even be posting this now, but my latest bubble seems to be stuck between my diaphragm and my throat. I'm hoping that blogging will get it moving again.

Does anyone else ever get tired of always having to be introspective? Functional is good. I like being functional, but there are moments when I'd rather not be proactive and introspective and just walk around screwed up thinking I'm perfectly sane like so many people in this world do. I get so tired of there typically being a deeper or alternate meaning to everything I feel and experience. Why can't green just be green? Why does it always have to be a mix of blues and yellows and any other number of colors that actually make green what it is?

And why am I in a "oh pitiful me" mood right now? Our life is going really well. We're actually doing a lot better than I expected us to be doing right now. We have so much going for us internally and externally. We actually like our life right now (well, most of us anyways). So, why am I feeling sorry for myself and feeling frustrated about doing a little extra work to alleviate anxiety?

If I'm honest, I know a part of this may be somewhat self-destructive simply because everyone in our life believes we're doing so great. And we are doing really well. But we still really struggle. There's still a lot of pain, a lot of untouched memories. Our past has shown me that when we start to think people are forgetting or not recognizing our pain, we start acting out in ways so that they know it's still there.... sometimes it's just physical symptoms - anxiety, loss of appetite, diarrhea... (this is where we are right now and hope to stop things before they escalate).... sometimes we progress into unhealthy coping skills that make it harder for people to not notice or ignore our pain - self injury, purposely not eating, etc.

Lord, we don't want to go back there at all. Why is it that if people acknowledge the healing that's happened and the progress we've made, that (in our minds) negates any pain we may still be suffering? Why can't we let others acknowledge both? Are we not able to acknowledge it to ourselves? Why are we so afraid people are going to forget our pain? Therapist knows. If no one else knows, therapist knows.

In a way it's good that husband is working the 4:30am-2:30pm shift right now because he goes to bed early. Feeling like I'm having my first real post-wedding mini meltdown right now, and I'm just not sure I'm ready to share that with him. I have no doubt in his ability to handle it, but I think it's more my pride that doesn't want him to see my "crazy train" this close and personal yet. He's definitely seen it, but only in flickers since we didn't live together before we were married. Even though he's never put any pressure on me in any way, I guess I just don't want to "be crazy" only 2 1/2 weeks into our marriage. Like I said, my pride, not his inability to be understanding.

I need to go. I'm just rambling now and this post is getting long. Hope my crazy train doesn't crash too hard tonight and I can park it at the station by tomorrow morning.


  1. Hey, I just want you to know that you're heard. I totally know what it's like to have people on the outside telling you how well you're doing, how good you look, how happy you seem, when all you want to do is scream at them and rip their heads off because of the agony still deep inside. I get that completely. It's way to reminiscent of having to hide your pain for so many years from so many people.
    Let me tell you, those of us how know you well - really know you - know that what you have here is a completely mixed bag. And while we celebrate with you the amazing gift of marriage and applaud how well you've handled this whole process, we also acknowledge that you are SO not off the hook on your healing journey. We understand that there is still hurt and pain that hasn't even been touched yet. Maybe some that hasn't come up before now because you weren't ready! So while we validate your victories and celebrate with you, we also validate your pain and support you in that.
    It's to be expected that you'd be struggling. And yes, I do sometimes get tired of introspection. And yes, sometimes green is just green! But you and I can both tell the difference ;) So don't aggravate things by trying denial on for size. It's a lot of responsibility being a new bride and still working together on the inside. But it's glad that parts are expressing themselves - that you all are communicating. If you were doing tooooo well, I'd be worried ;)

    Love you all, ok?

  2. (forgive the typo's. I'm a little sleep deprived. LOL)

  3. Thank you so much Emily. This is exactly what we needed to hear. It doesn't "fix" anything, but it is real reassurance that some people that we care about out there really get it.

    I'm continuing to be amazed at how our healing has taken such different paths, but how similar of a place we seem to be in in so many areas. There are lots of differences too, but I guess our systems seem to be working similiarly now with the multiple consciousness and very few amnesic periods... and also trying to figure out how to be our real self(ves) around the every day people in our lives.