Monday, June 28, 2010

Not slowing down

I thought things would slow down after the wedding was over and I settled into a normal routine. So far that hasn't been the case. We got married a month ago yesterday and I'm starting my 3rd week back home in "normal life". I had hoped I'd have more time to blog, more time to catch up with friends, more time for hobbies, more time to focus on my internal world and thus use therapy time more "appropriately". Unfortunately, I don't seem to be doing any of this really well.

I'm not quite sure where the time goes. I do know that I'm not dissociating it away. I'm sure my lack of routine keeps me from being as efficient as I could be. I know that I'm sleeping alot more lately. I slept 12 hours last night. At this point, I'm not sure if my body needs the sleep or if I'm letting myself oversleep. I do know that on days I only get 8 hours or less of sleep I feel very groggy and want nothing more all day long than to be able to lie down and take a nap. Even now I wouldn't mind a nap, but I know I don't need the sleep.

Maybe it's being at home more often right now. I don't know. It's not like I don't have tons to do around here, so it's not because I'm bored. Maybe it's laziness.

Obviously, I'm completely not in touch with what's going on inside of me right now, but I'm not quite sure how to get there. When there's some sort of mini crisis going on inside, parts for sure let me know and we can deal with things. When there's not something pressing, asking inside is like asking an empty room. No response and it's so quiet you could hear a pin drop. I haven't been very concerned because I must say it makes life a bit easier right now only dealing with my stuff.

I guess I'm starting to feel gipped now though. I don't have access to all of me in regards to feelings, old memories, and I'm back to almost faking some things like I did before I ever knew I was DID but there were things I thought I should know and feel b/c it was "normal."

Sometimes I really can't tell when we're progressing and when we're reverting. I know we've made progress overall, but recently I can't help but wonder if the silence is more a way of keeping things peaceful and relatively easy moreso than b/c things internally are going that smoothly.

Is this progress calm or just the calm before the next storm? And how do you tell the difference?

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