So, I've been thinking about last night's blog entry all day. So much so that I didn't think I could wait until tomorrow to talk to therapist. A good non-DID friend of mine was on Google talk today, and she let me pick her brain. Our conversation was really beneficial to me. Still have a ways to go with processing things, but she did help to alleviate some of my anxieties. Anyways, rather than trying to summarize what she said, I just copied and pasted our chat, changing names so that everything continues to stay anonymous for my benefit. Thanks to all of you for reading, and Shen, thank you for your response and encouragment. It is greatly appreciated!
me: So, I told you at retreat that I talked to Don and Susan and they helped me a lot in feeling confident about opeing up to fiance' more about therapy and the way my mind works....
me: So last week, I was really excited about fiance' coming home and not having any anxiety over it or anything. Then this weekend, a dear friend of mine whose known me since I was 12 and my parents both felt needs at different times to chime in on how, when, if, how much, where I was going to tell fiance.. like the longer I go w/o telling him is a big deception on my part
me: They all agree that waiting til he gets home is fine but I told them the things I talked about with Don... that I wasn't going to give fiance' the names of my diagnoses b/c my diagnoses aren't who I am. I was just going to tell him how my head works and what my symptoms are and what i need from him and answer any questions he may have. Well, they all see this as lying b/c I'm still "withholding information" from him... I don't see how giving him the name DID is going to do anything except allow him to develop misconceptions of what life is like for me, but I don't want any secrets with him.
I think when I told you I told you the diagnosis first. In all honesty, did I freak you out that night we talked? Obviously, I know you've gotten over it if I did, but was what I told you a major deal that I am just trying to play down?
ES: wow, ok.
me: sorry.... I think I tried to warn you... maybe I didn't do a good job. Need to chat later?
ES: no no sorry that was only the first portion of my statement
me: oh. haha
ES: the wow was only b/c you've got a lot going on in your head
me: yeah, you could say that. I guess I just don't feel like I'm dropping a huge bomb on him like other seem to think I am... but maybe that's just b/c I'm used to me and the way we work. but I'm really second guessing everything again... maybe this is a HUGE deal like my family and a few of my friends think it is.
ES: ok. stop. breathe. first of all, it didn't really freak me out. i think you should definitely approach it the way don and susan suggested, explain your head and your thinking let him get his responses and then tell him that you've been diagnosed with DID at the end and be honest tell him you know it's a scary name, but all that it means is exactly what you've told him up to that point. To be honest, it helped explain A LOT to me cause there were times where i felt like i was getting "different bravehearts" and so it was interesting and really informative to know why
me: seriously? I mean, I'm not surprised, but I work so hard for that not to happen... haha that does help. i want it to make me make more sense.. not to make me look like a freak....
ES: well and he knows you very well by now
me: I think my family and my friend just scared me this weekend
ES: and it will only help explain you HE LOVES YOU he KNOWS you
me: yeah.. he does.. :D
ES: you are NOT this diagnosis. you are you
me: and this is why you are one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world! You haven't known me as long, but you get me way better than so many of my friends - even the ones with Psych degrees.
ES: :) i love you
me: i love you.
ES: and let fiance' know that it's not that he has to DO anything or CHANGE anything but you wanted him to know to help him understand you you were great about that with me
me: yeah, that's a good point... all I want from him is for him to know and understand... I don't "need" anything from him regarding this stuff. Good, I'm glad I was able to explain that part of it to you.
ES: dont' stress about telling fiance' it will be wonderful
me: you really already put my mind at ease a lot
ES: God brought him into your life for a reason. he's been totally understanding up to this point do you really see him changing b/c of some label you've been given?
me: no, you're right. I start second guessing most when he's not around for me to be reassured by interacting with him and when those that I"m typically around a lot that have their own misconceptions start telling me what I need to do. but, if i think back, I felt confident about telling him in June when he was home and I know I will again once he's home in December. You're so awesome!!
ES: no problem