So yesterday was an insightful day for me. I had a few mini revelations that I was looking forward to blogging about, but the day got away from me and then I was too exhausted to blog. I assumed I could just blog about it today. Not going to be the case. Having a really crappy day and those positive revelations from yesterday don't mean much right now.
If my title confused some of you, let me explain. Tomorrow is my half-birthday. I was born Dec. 4, so June 4 is my half-birthday. Make sense? Most of you may think this is very odd and never even thought about it before. Well, when I was a child my mother always celebrated my real birthday with just family because it was so close to Christmas and because we could never do anything outdoors. So, in order for me to get to celebrate my birthday with my friends and be able to have things like swimming pool parties, she started celebrating my 1/2 birthday with my friends. It seemed easier for kids to come because school was out and probably easier for my mom to plan since she was a teacher and off in the summers. I have a few actual good memories related to my 1/2 birthday, but overall this is a very bad day for me.
I was generally not around my abuser on my actual birthday b/c my family kept me busy, but my 1/2 birthday was different. I was home all day b/c it was summer and the parties usually only lasted a couple of hours. He chose this time to give me my "birthday present" each year. It makes me so sick to my stomach to think about that I don't think I can even go into details yet. Maybe when we're more removed from the situation. More than anything it was just such a confusing time.... being showered with gifts, told we were pretty, told we were loved, all the while being physically and sexually abused. Usually there was always something "new" for us to do on my 1/2 birthday as well. Something always worse, more painful, or more disgusting.
How do you reconcile one person playing both sides of the coin (you're beautiful/you're trash, I love you/you deserve to die, etc.) for so long at such a young age? It makes it to easy to understand why my self image is so screwed up. It's not completely horrible, but it is by no means good and can go back and forth on any given day.
For example: I got my hair cut last night. The girl that cuts my hair is putting a portfolio together b/c she wants to move out to LA and work. She asked if she could do my hair and have photos taken b/c she loves my hair. I thought okay. Then she proceeded to tell me that a professional would do my make up and someone else was going to take the pictures (so, these aren't just going to be pics of the back of my head). My photos will be used in all 3 people's portfolios. My hair stylist then goes on and on about how I should really look into going into modeling. Obviously, I think she's crazy, but I must say it was a confusing yet nice boost to my self esteem. Someone thinks I'm pretty........ Felt pretty good about myself yesterday.
Today I feel like crap. Sub-human. Not entitled to anything and feeling like I should profusely thank anyone who shows me any type of genuine kindness today. I want to crawl in a hole and disappear. And why is this starting today???? Usually it's just a day of thing. This year I'm going to get to sit with all these memories and flashbacks for at least two days. Lucky me!
Sh*t. I swear, everytime it feels like I'm really getting solid in a good place, something makes the whole ground shake and even if my whole world doesn't fall apart, any self-confidence I may have built up goes down the drain. Can I just disappear for a couple of days?