Thursday, January 21, 2010

Even now

Tonight is a frustrating night for me. Not because there's anything going on that I can't handle, but it's the fact that I am. If you are like me, I tend to feel particularly guilty when I'm feeling sad or depressed and I am acutely aware of all of my blessings at the same time. Tonight, I sit here feeling like I'm wallowing in sadness, depression, and self-pity but all I have to do is turn on the TV and see all of the hurting people in Haiti who have lost loved ones, homes, are injured. My first reaction is guilt and a question "Why can't I get over myself?"

My second reaction to tonight is wondering why I'm feeling this sad and this down. Today was just a normal day. Nothing bad happened today. In fact, a co-worker who I've been getting closer to lately and I had a great conversation today. I told her some about my past and she mentioned having a really good friend who was DID. I was feeling so comfortable with her that I told her I was DID as well. She responded great. Thought it was pretty cool. And we both gave the glory to God for not only surviving as a child and having the "gift" of DID but that he has brought me to the place I am now that is not fully healed, but is a place where I can work as a therapist myself and I can get married and I can be normal in most situations.

I sort of wonder if this at least part of the reason for the feelings tonight, but that doesn't make sense to me. It was SO NICE to talk to someone who is not DID and not my therapist who still understood. Also, being as she's a young PhD, it was nice to give her the heads up of things that will help and hurt her and her clients should she ever decide to work with the DID population. Maybe save her from making the same mistakes Dr. Morris did with me right out of her doctoral program.

Maybe the feelings are due to rainy weather the past couple of days. Maybe some of it is that I was going to have to drive myself onto Post tonight to go to Bible Study. For those of you who have never been on a military post. If you don't have a car sticker, you have to get a temporary pass, which is sort of a pain. After obtaining that, I was going to be driving around the post in the dark trying to find this one specific chapel. Normally, I ride with fiancee there, but he was going with some men to walk through barracks and try and recruit others to come to Bible Study. This is totally not cool for me, but then I think my convenience should not be the priority here. If Fiancee and the men with him get one new person to come to Bible Study, then that should be what's important. But I just couldn't bring myself to drive myself across town, get the gate pass and track down the chapel tonight.

We're under a severe thunderstorm warning tonight, so I used that as my excuse to fiancee as to why I would not be meeting him at Bible Study. He called and volunteered to come pick me up so I wouldn't have to drive. Of course, I couldn't let him do that. Then he wouldn't get to go through the barracks and recruit. Of course, he was so sweet and said that he didn't mind. He asked if everything else was okay. I just told him I didn't want to get out tonight. Why didn't I tell him that I don't want to go to Bible Study tonight b/c I feel so bad? I drive in watches and warnings all the time. That was just a convenient excuse. Why didn't I tell him that I'm feeling sad and down? Didn't I just post yesterday about my desire to be honest and open with him? Wasn't that a great time for me to prove it?

Maybe it's b/c I don't really know why I feel this way tonight, and I find it so hard to explain that to someone when I can't tell them why I feel the way I feel. All I know is I haven't felt this sad or this low in months, and it's awful!!!! All I can do is sit here and cry and freakin' blog. Don't even feel like I can call anyone on the phone.

I feel like such an idiot right now.

1 comment:

  1. Girl, I totally know where you're coming from. And PS, You're not an idiot. <3 I find, even when I'm doing "well", it's a constant battle with emotions. We're girls. I don't know, God just made is really emotional. I'm glad you wrote - that's huge. But give yourself a break. Sometimes it's not always knowing the "why", but "what" are we going to do about it... What are some ways we can get on top of our emotions so that after we've calmed down, we can go back and sort out the "why" - if there is one. Sometimes there's not! :) (she says to the PhD student) LOL