Thursday, January 28, 2010

Suicide *TW*

One of my fiance's best friends had a friend commit suicide yesterday. I do not know the person that died or anything about the situation, but every time I hear of someone committing suicide my mind seems to go so many places all at once.

Obviously I feel sorry for my fiance's friend and the family of the person who passed. Where my mind seems to go the most is to the person who actually committed suicide. Wishing for death for so many years personally and being in and out of suicidal phases myself, even attempting once, I understand the depths of pain and despair one must be in to actually reach this place and then either attempt or succeed in following through. I wonder what was going on in this guy's life? I wonder what was so painful and so horrible that he decided he couldn't go on one more day... one more minute? I feel so sorry for him that he was experiencing such intense pain and suffering. It is a feeling of utter hopelessness that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

I wonder if anyone was aware and if they were trying to help or not? Was he carrying this burden all alone and putting up a great facade on the outside? Maybe it was a combination of both. When I was at my lowest, most people in my life would have had no clue that suicide was running through my mind constantly. However, my therapist knew, all of my doctors at the inpatient unit and a few close friends knew my struggles. It wasn't enough for me. For me it wasn't about not having support. It was about not feeling I had the energy or desire to continue one more day. My only option - my only way out - was death.

I feel very blessed that I did have people intervene in my life, and that I am here to write this post today. My life is a much different story less than 2 years after my attempt. I wish this guy had been able to find the strength to hold on b/c what I've learned is that God truly is faithful and he will deliver you.... even when you have no idea how and all you see in front of you is a black abyss of hopelessness.

I pray this guy has finally found the peace that he was so desperately searching for and now I pray for peace to those who he left behind who will miss him greatly.

I wonder as time passes from my own darkest hour if my intense feelings of pain for someone who commits suicide (whether I know them or not) will fade or if it will always strike a cord this close to home?

1 comment:

  1. There are probably more painful ways to die... at least physically... but there is no more horrible way to die that I can imagine. The depth of anguish I have been in when I have been close to suicide is not something I would wish on anyone.

    I know the end must have been torture, but at least now they are at peace.