Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Getting used to working (even if it is an unpaid internship) and being a wife has taken up most of my free time. I've had lots of thoughts that I've wanted to blog about swirling through my head lately, but finding the time to sit down and type them out has been a much larger challenge than I anticipated. Maybe I'll find time over the long weekend to catch up on some of them, but for right now, I'm going to go where my mind has been today.
I am currently doing my internship in the guidance department at a local middle school. I've seen just about everything in the short month I've been here so far. I've called Department of Children Services for a child whose mother is neglectful. I've called mobile crisis to assess a child who was suicidal in my office. I've talked to parents, teachers, and other school staff about academic and emotional issues.
Most days, thankfully, are not intense home issues or safety issues with my students. Most are girl drama, someone starting rumors, girls fighting over guys, guys fighting over girls, guys fighting just to fight, etc....
Being in middle school working has gotten me thinking back to my middle school days. I'm sure the same drama was going on when I was in middle school, but apparently I was living in my own internal world back then. I remember walking into the bathroom one time and there were 2 girls smoking. They asked me if I was a "nark". At the time I had no clue what a nark was, but I told them I wouldn't tell on them. That is the most drama I remember from middle school.
I remember being totally involved and in love with gymnastics (most of the time). I remember feeling a dysthymic level of depression even back then. I remember having a decent group of girlfriends to hang out with and getting my school work done. I remember thinking boys were cute but having no desire to date them.
When I watch these kids in middle school now and all the drama they either cause or are involved in, it makes me wonder if I was so dissociative back then (even when I was not aware of other parts) that I just missed things going on around me? In fact, most of my life, I tend to stay on the low-side of drama when possible. I'm pretty oblivious to most things going with rumor mills or who's doing what. Most of the time I'm really glad. I've got enough drama in my own life. I really don't like to be involved in others.
I guess I just got to thinking today what middle school would have been like had my head been boring enough for me to care about who was dating whom, who might be pregnant, what girl thought what about another girl, etc? I watch these kids and I know it's hard being in middle school; but I can't help but wish that those were the biggest drama things in my life back then. It also makes me sad to realize that there probably weren't really times in my life when I was talking, speaking, reacting and responding normally to life around me.
Lately it seems these subtle realizations of things current and past are more reaffirming of the abuse than any of the major memories that we've spent a lot of time trying to process. I guess it makes sense, but it still makes me want to say "blah."