Wednesday, April 8, 2009

hold on and fasten your seat belts!

So, why does no one tell you what a rollercoaster ride life is once you finally reach a place to have ups and downs? It might have been nice to expect major ups and downs in such short periods of time. I don't know. Maybe this isn't normal yet. Hopefully they won't always be this extreme!

After therapy Monday and all day yesterday, I bottomed out. I was soooooo depressed. Parts were really wanting to self-injure and having suicidal impulses. We were able to stay safe, but it was a really low place to be in. Tempy helped me some last night by reminding me of things I know and better ways to cope. I think that let me get a decent night's sleep which helped.

Today I wake up to a package from my boyfriend - a tank top and a shirt that both read "Soldier's Easter bunny." They're very cute. There was a note in the package saying how much he missed me and loved me and how he couldn't resist getting me the shirts. Anything he sends me feels like winning the lottery inside. I actually got to talk to him on google chat this morning too. He told me he's 99% sure his 2 weeks of R&R are going to be in early-mid June now instead of mid-July. That's a whole month earlier I'll get to see him!!!!!!!! It's warm and sunny today. Everything feels great. I feel on top of the world.

Actually, I feel so happy and excited, it's almost uncomfortable. I don't know if this is how everyone experiences it, but excitement and anxiety feel virtually the same to me. The only way I can distinguish is by the situation I'm in. I mean, excitement is good and all, but I sure would pop an Ativan right now to get it to chill out some if I had any.

I'm not complaining for feeling good again (other than it's a bit uncomfortable), but the major swing from wanting to die to being excited about being alive in the past 48 hours is rather draining. Surely this isn't how everyone experiences life. I think everyone would be exhausted all the time! I have therapy tomorrow evening, so I expect to be down in the dumps again by tomorrow evening. Blah!

Think I'm really going to have to learn better how to just live in the moment.

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