Tuesday, April 7, 2009


So we made it a year and a month with almost no major self-injury impulses. We're really proud of that, and we're still SI free, but I'm not sure how much longer that will last. Therapist talked to a part yesterday who is really struggling. This part has been struggling for a long time, but this is a different kind of struggle because the beliefs she's held about herself and the whole world her entire life are being challenged by therapist. Sifting through truth and lies trying to find out what reality really is is kind of pushing her over the edge. So far, we're managing as a system, but it hasn't been this hard in over a year. This is the first time that I'm not sure we can keep a safety contract. In the past, I've not wanted to keep them, but I knew we could. This feels a little out of control.

The only way therapist got this part to make a short-term safety contract was to mention police if we ignored safety check-ins. We all understood, calling the police would not be a punishment. It would be done out of fear that we were not safe and needed help b/c we were not checking in or answering calls from therapist to affirm we were still safe. The fear of causing a scene was enough to get a safety contract, so I guess it worked. We checked in with therapist three times last night and then once this morning, just to say we're still keeping our safety contract. I don't really know if we're supposed to check in anymore between now and our Thursday appointment. I'm sure we can if we want to, but therapist didn't say we had to. We did promise to call her before self-injuring, so I guess if things do get worse, we will be checking in whether we want to or not.

Not convinced we're on the precipice of another downward spiral yet, but still finding the place we're in right now frustrating and disheartening. We haven't been here in a year. I was hoping this part was behind us. Now I think maybe things are just cyclical. Maybe they'll get better again when we work through this next wave of crap, and they'll stay good until it's time to deal with the next level. Are there always going to be levels and layers of stuff to get through? I don't think we have anything left to remember. I thought that would be the biggest part, but now it seems as remembering was just the beginning and now the real work is starting.

I don't know. Hopefully I'm just being a pessimist today and I'll feel differently in a day or two. Really really not wanting to go back into that dark place! Not sure how to avoid it and still do the work that needs to be done though. *Sigh*

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