Monday, April 20, 2009

Trying to understand

I don't have much more info than I had last night, but I have a little. Unfortunately, it's not helping me understand dad's cousin's suicide any better. It's something like 80-90% of suicides don't leave a note behind. Cousin was one of the few that did. I haven't seen the letter. Probably never will. I do know that he wrote a paragraph to his wife telling her he did love her and how sorry he was. He wrote a paragraph to his son, one to his daughter, and one to his parents. He also specified that there was to be no funeral and where he wanted to be buried. Obviously he thought this through, and still saw suicide as his best option.

As of now, it seems his immediate family is just as shocked that he committed suicide as those of us in his extended family are. No one is coping well. Visitation is tomorrow and we'll have a graveside service on Wednesday for family. I want to be with my family right now and not mourn alone anymore. At the same time, I'm dreading the drive home tomorrow and the service on Wednesday. The overwhelming sadness that will be present is not inviting.

I also found out that a passerby found him lying on the side of the road and called 911. He shot himself once in the temple and died immediately. This is just so much to process. Parts are having all different reactions. Yet, I feel the need to keep my life going as normal b/c no one in my family knows about my suicide attempt last year. I want to keep it that way, but I think a lot of my reactions won't make sense to them, so we'll do our best to internalize them until we can blog, journal, or talk to therapist. I see lovely therapy sessions in my near future. :P

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