Sunday, April 19, 2009


Suicide hurts. There's no way around that. The person who commits suicide is in so much pain nothing else but death (at least in the moment) will alleviate the pain enough. Having been suicidal multiple times in my life, I truly understand that wall that seems to come up where you can't see any other option and you are completely unable to see outside of yourself to begin to even think how your actions will affect those you leave behind. Some people call suicide selfish. I disagree. At least for me, when I've been suicidal, I haven't had the mental capacity to choose to be selfish or not. I am in sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much pain, the only thing I can think of is that I need 'out' I need 'a break' right now!!!!! In those specific times, I cannot think rational or future-oriented even if I want to.

My dad's 1st cousin committed suicide this evening. He drove out to a river nearby in his truck and shot himself in the head. I'm not that close to him, but his kids are around my age and I'm pretty good friends with them. I didn't even know there were issues. It's so recent that there still aren't many details. I'm sure I will know more tomorrow. All I know for now is that it just recently came out that he had an affair a few years ago while he was preaching at a church the next county over. His wife just found out about it, and asked for a separation. At this point, I have no idea if he was still engaged in the affair or if it ended when he stopped preaching at that church. He only started moving his things out of the house this past week. So much of this was shocking b/c they were married 30+ years, and the larger family didn't even know there were problems yet.

There are so many questions. Did something push him over the edge today? What happened that he decided he couldn't live one more minute. His son is getting married next month, so I know he must have been in a place where he couldn't even recognize what he is now going to miss or how this would hurt his family. The reason I feel I can say this with confidence is b/c 2 years ago, I was in a chronic suicidal state. The thing that kept those serious thoughts and actions in check for months was the fact that I was to be the maid of honor in my sister's wedding. I didn't want to ruin her wedding, so we forced ourselves to take suicide off the table as an option for a few months. It was so hard at times, but keeping that perspective that my actions would mess up what should be the best day in my sister's life was enough to make me push through.

I think dad's cousin would have been the same way, so what happened tonight? What happened to cause this to be the only answer for him? My mom just sent me a text saying he left a note. I don't know what it said yet, but that confuses me even more. Someone who takes the time to write and leave a note isn't acting quite as rashly. To some extent they are thinking through what they're doing.

My family is devastated. He is not the first person in my life to commit suicide. Personally, I've lost friends that I was closer to than him, but this is the first suicide in my family that I'm aware of. I have no idea how everyone's going to handle this and what the next week with visitation and a funeral will bring. I can't even imagine what his wife is feeling right now.... furious at him for having an affair, devastated b/c he's dead, maybe furious at him for committing suicide?

And my cousins... to lose their dad that way..... I can't begin to imagine. Most of my family will be mad at my dad's cousin for committing suicide. I won't be. Mostly I'm just sad and confused. I want to know what was so awful that he saw no other option. Unless you've been there, you can't understand how it's not about anyone else in your life. If you could think about anyone else, you might find another coping option.

God, please grant his family comfort and peace. I pray he is resting with you in heaven now. So many conflicting beliefs on whether you can even go to heaven if you commit suicide, but it's hard for me to believe you can be held accountable for that "sin" b/c your mental state is so altered, that you are unable to distinguish right from wrong.

It's going to be a long week...

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