Sunday, March 8, 2009


So, I'm a planner. I like to have a basic plan of where my life is going in order to see that it can work out. I'm okay if things change from my original plan and work out differently. I just need the plan b/c my anxiety is much less when I see that things can work out. Too much in my life feels unsettled right now. I can' t make the things in my life fit so I know everthing can work out. Too much is up in the air and out of my control. I hate this feeling. It's kind of a cycle b/c my increased vulnerability from Angel makes me more anxious about not having control over the rest of my life, and not having control of lots of my life right now makes me feel more vulnerable.

I so want to be able to "go with the flow." With the little things I can, but with major life issues I can't. It is too complicated and detalied to try to explain it all b/c that would require me to explain all of my obsessive, circular, rational, and irrational thoughts, and I don't think I'm capable of explaining that. So, here's the quick rundown.

1. My job - the study I am working on is coming to an end in July. There will probably be work for me to do until Dec, but then I'm going to have to switch to another research study or find a new job. My other research options are not appealing in the least, and my boss thinks I should apply for a research coordinator position. That would be good if I ever wanted research to be my career. This was my job to move me to town, I never even planned to be in this job this long. I like my current job okay, but the end is in sight. I've applied for several jobs over the past 2 years, and while I come close, I never end up getting the position. It's not so bad that I'm feeling pressure to find a new job, but the fact that I'm back in school and dating a boy who (when he returns from Afghanistan) lives an hour away make it more complicated as to what type of jobs i can apply for and where I should possibly be applying.

2. Every day that goes by I fall more and more in love with my boyfriend. The thought of losing him literally petrifies me now. I would like to move to the town that he lives in when he returns in Dec, but I wonder if that is crazy b/c we haven't made any permanent commitment to each other. And I found out last night that he will probably only live there for a year after he returns before he will be stationed somewhere else. The university I'm attending is in his town, but the main reason I would move would be for him. Otherwise, I would just stay where I am now and commute to classes. I am settled here, and I have more of a life here. It's hard to talk about forever when we only get to really talk once every two weeks or so. We have e-mail and instant messaging, but it's hard to have real conversations through those modalities. If I was sure we had a future, I might get a job in his city now b/c it would increase my job market, and I would be closer to school, but I would be all alone there for 6 months until he returned. That seems too scary of a step to take with no reassurance.

3. Then there's school. Say boyfriend and I do work out and end up married in a year or two. Well, then I will be moving when he moves (which would make me very happy), but there is no way I would be able to finish my degree before we move. Most grad schools will only transfer 9 hours from a previous school, so now I'm thinking that maybe I need to stop taking classes once I reach 9 hours in case we move, so I'm not throwing money away. Then I think, that's stupid! Why am I planning all of these things around someone I don't even know I'll survive deployment with?????

4. And then one lovely thing for me to throw on top of all of that and worry about is that if I do marry bf and we move, I won't be able to see t face to face anymore. That's at least 18 months from now and t and I are working on plans to continue working together even if I don't live in the same city. So why is this even an issue??? I don't know, but it is and we're anxious about it.

In my dream world, bf would come home from Afghanistan safely. We would get married. I could quit work and go to school full-time and finish my degree quickly, but we would still stay around here for a few more years before we moved and I could see my t face to face for a longer period of time.

There is the possibility that this could happen, but it is only a possibility, so I can't say this is my plan. I have not talked to bf at all about this yet. Well, I've talked about moving to his town, but not about our long term plans. And I can't just plan to stay put b/c my current life won't allow for that, and I won't want to assuming bf and I stay together. I think I'm mostly feeling frustrated and anxious b/c I feel like I need to make decisions now about things that I don't have enough info on and won't for awhile still. I'm doing my best to turn all of this over to God and trust that he knows what's best and will work everything out, but it's sooooooooooo hard. Without a direction, I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly and at the mercy of everything around me. This makes the vulnerability feelings worse and the cycle continues, growing in strength.

Today all of my needs are being met. I have a job. I see my t face to face tomorrow. Bf and I are doing well even though he is far away. Why can't this be enough? Why can't I just be happy right now. Why can't I be okay with the unknown? Why does it make me feel so unsafe and so vulnerable?

I wish there was a button where I could just turn my brain off for awhile and rest...

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