A part named Angel talked in therapy today. We've actually been scheduling time for her to talk every week for the past couple of months. She holds our worst memories and seems to know nothing other than the abuse about our life. She's picked up a few things here and there b/c she can pay attention to the outside world if she wants, but most of the time she's too overwhelmed with feelings, memories, and flashbacks. I think it takes the majority of her energy to not self injure or end things on a regular basis. I don't think she's aware that we do appreciate her. Our relationship hasn't always been so cordial. Before she gave into the memories and real therapy work, she was angry and took things out on anyone she could, usually other parts or on the body. Sadly for her, I think the anger was much easier to handle than what she's dealing with now. Sometimes I want to offer to help her more, and I feel weak that allowing her time in therapy feels like all I can do right now. Well, it's all I can do if we want to stay functioning in our external life.
She's having such a hard time. She was so anxious in therapy today. Our therapist's office normally feels safe to her, but it didn't today. She cried the whole time, was shaking, wringing her hands, and ended up curled up in a ball on therapist's couch. Therapist was able to help her calm down some and help her get to a safe place where hopefully she can stay until they meet again. It's hard for me when Angel comes forward though. Her feelings are so intense and awful that they seem to linger even after she's back inside and I'm forward again. In order to feel like I can handle things, I usually immediately find some sort of distraction to immerse myself in until the feelings pass. A few hours after therapy, I'm usually feeling decent again and go on with my normal week. I know this is the best I can do right now, but it feels like I'm not honoring her or her pain enough. I can't do it though. I just can't do it right now. So, I'm trying to let go of the guilt and hoping she and I can both accept that our best is good enough for each other right now.
I hate the vulnerability that accompanies the place we are in therapy right now. I think that's adding to some of the issues. I understand it's where we need to be and that this is progress, but it feels scary, emotional, and lonely (even when we're not alone). Cognitively, I know the good that can come from this work will be so worth it, but it's hard to believe that on nights like tonight. Obviously, I'm forward right now since I'm the one writing, and I'm at home in my room - a safe place. However, I am still feeling very hypervigilent and wish so badly that my mom, my boyfriend, or even my therapist was here right now to just hold me. Maybe I would be able to relax and feel safe in one of their arms....
We'll get through it. We don't usually have anyone around during the tough times and some parts would actually freak out if someone tried to hold us right now. I have the huge desire to be a kid again right now. A kid who can walk into her parents' bedroom, say she's scared, and crawl in bed with them. No one looks at that as weird. I wonder what my roommate would do if I asked to crawl into bed with her tonight because I was scared? haha! Not going to try it.
Tonight we'll just settle for a Klonopin and use TV as a distraction until we fall asleep. Hopefully things will feel more "normal" in the morning.