I love my boyfriend and my therapist!

Probably a really weird title, but it's the truth. Both of them saved me from panic attacks today. Boyfriend's been in Afghanistan for almost 4 months, and while we talk a lot, I didn't realize how much not getting to see his body language and feel his touch would affect me. I'm trying to make future plans, and I want him to be included in those. Over the past few days I'd become fearful that maybe he wasn't still planning to include me in his future plans. (He had not done anything to make me feel this way or given any indication that he loved me any less - this was just an insecurity on my part.) I sent him an e-mail asking him if he could call me on the phone this weekend. He responded and said he would call tonight.

I tried to get my thoughts together today about what I needed from him, what I wanted to share with him, all the different things/scenarios I'm thinking about. The more I thought about it, the more came into my head. I wrote it all out, but that only served to make me think about it more and bring up more questions. Looking at everything I was potentially considering telling him and asking him started to freak me out b/c I became afraid that I would overwhelm him or scare him and ruin the best thing in my life right now. I was looking for a little clarification and so many of my thoughts and fears where coming forward that it turned into more of wanting to share things or ask for things that I don't really need to right now.

I called my therapist at 3:45pm today hoping to leave a message to see if she had time to talk on the phone before my talk with boyfriend tonight. To my delight she answered her phone and had 45 minutes until her next client. My work is close to her office, so I asked if I could come by and talk to her in person, she allowed me to. It helped me to be able to show her all the craziness I'd written out and tell at least one person everything that was running through my head knowing I wouldn't freak her out. She then helped me sort through all the craziness and figure out what I really needed/wanted right now and what didn't really matter. She also helped me find the right words, expressions, and phrases to say what I want to say in a good way. She says I'm a fast learner, but I took notes while we were talking, so I had her words right there in front of me when I was on the phone with boyfriend. :)

Talk with boyfriend went great tonight! I stayed with the few topics therapist and I said were most important to know for now. I used words that didn't portray I was looking for anything specific, i.e. a lifelong commitment, but was still able to convey how much I really do love him and care about him. I knew it deep down, but it was really nice to hear him say the same back to me. He's much better at showing me than telling me, which is fine when he's in the States, but doesn't work so well when he's in Afghanistan. And the best part... we're still thinking along the same lines for our future...... marriage one day. Neither of us are rushing that, but we both want it. That makes me so excited!!!!!!!!! How can this awesome guy after 10 months still consider me marriage material and say he cares about me more and more everyday? I am so blessed!!!!

Anyways, what started off as an anxiety-filled, obsessive thinking day, is ending with lots of good feelings, peace, love for my boyfriend, and an ever increasing level of gratitude for my therapist.

So tired

Not sure why, but I am so tired. I slept a lot this weekend. I thought that would help. It seemed to until this morning. I've been so tired all day. Things have been better emotionally the past few days, and I'm not physically sick, so the best I can come up with is that my dreams are becoming more intense. Most nights I do have bad dreams, but even on nights that I have neutral or good dreams, they can still be so intense and draining.

I did a sleep study in college. They diagnosed me with Periodic Limb Movement Disorder - basically I jerk in my sleep. I know I also grind my teeth when I sleep and I have mouth guards for that, and I've been told that I talk in my sleep. I must be a joy to share a room or bed with, huh?

I tend to think that these are the reasons I'm tired a lot. Every now and then, like today, I wonder if more of it is rooted in internal turmoil than I actually give it credit for. The flashes I was getting on Thurs, Fri, and Sat have stopped for the time being. I assume they're not gone. Have they just manifested themselves internally and the result is exhaustion on my part? Maybe I'm trying to find something that's not there. Maybe I just have physical issues and this the way that I sleep. I'm always going to require more sleep than the normal person to get the same quality of sleep.

Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight. If I get a lot sleep and I'm still exhausted, we can explore this more thoroughly in therapy on Thursday.

Flashes

Red boa. Red lipstick. I'm cold. Lots of flashes of light coming from the dark. Lights shining bright on me. Darkness in front of me beyond the lights. Someone is ordering me around, but the words are too distant. I can't hear them. I'm moving around but staying in the same place.

And that is all I know right now. Since yesterday evening I've been plagued by what I assume is part of a memory for someone inside. I don't understand it right now. I don't really want to, but I don't think it's going away. Ugh.

Triggers

Triggers.... Do you ever overcome all of them? Are new ones always going to pop up? Will they always touch such a deep pain?

I had planned to go with some friends to Kentucky this weekend to help with clean-up from the horrible ice storms they had about a month ago. I found out last night my former roommate is going, so I'm not going anymore. We have a lot of mutual friends, so I see her a lot, but I avoid small group situations. I can't remember if I've written about my former roommate. Everything with her would be multiple other posts, and I may in the future, but for now I'll leave it at that she is very manipulative, self-absorbed, and incredibly triggering to parts inside. We were strong enough to recognize it was a bad situation and move out, but a lot of damage was still done - and I think to an extent I'm just now realizing how much.

So today I was struggling with being frustrated for backing out on a trip I wanted to go on b/c I was freaking out inside about this weekend. I knew a roadtrip in the same car with her would surely result in me being triggered and having a meltdown. At the same time I was feeling really guilty today about backing out of my commitment to help these people who need help.

Therapist and I talked about this in session today. I am amazed at how much I can still forget and in a relatively short period of time. Therapist reminded me how roommate was a huge trigger for Angel, and how serious things were right before I moved out. I remember that now, but I had forgotten. I've only lived in my new place for 2 months. How do I forget something that major so quickly? This realization allowed us to trace back what about former roommate's words and behaviors triggered past memories, and even though it doesn't make anything any easier, it at least helps with the guilt and makes it easier to just accept the feelings as they are and accept ourselves where we are. There's a reason for the feelings and fears again. They are no longer meaningless and an overreacting to a current situation.

Even though I'm feeling less anxious and less guilty, I'm still feeling depressed. I wonder if parts of my life are always going to be dictated by my past. Are there always going to be things I can't handle, can't do, overreact to? Can I ever be in the present without associating most situations to something in the past? When does being strong and able to stop a current negative situation have enough power to not trigger old, scared feelings? When does making positive steps in your present life start to take away the power of childhood experiences when you had no control? Will that ever happen? Or will I learn how to protect us now while always feeling vulnerable and scared inside?

I don't even feel safe with myself tonight. Nothing feels safe, but my mind knows we are very safe. What the mind knows doesn't matter right now though. I've got to find plans for this weekend. New roommate is out of town and good friends in town are going on the KY trip. Being alone all weekend is not a smart idea. Even if we are able to stay safe, I think we will mentally and emotionally struggle a lot if I don't find an external distraction that is also low stress.

Starting to feel little. Think I'm going to stop right here. Afraid my ability to make sense is about to leave.

A big difference

So, it's almost 12 hours since my last post, and I am in a completely different place emotionally and mentally. How does that happen? I am not Bipolar - this is not manic... This is just happy and everything is funny. No grandiose thoughts, no out of control behavior. In fact, I didn't even go out for St. Patty's Day. I came home and applied for new jobs while I watched American Idol. What an exciting evening!!!!!!!!! :)

I shouldn't question why things are different and should just go with it, but I want to know so I can replicate this next time I'm having a really hard day emotionally. I talked to Tempy on the phone tonight and she noticed the difference as well. She asked if I could bottle up some and send to her. I sure would if I could. However, I don't know how and I don't know why things are feeling so good and peaceful now when this morning things felt in such turmoil.

Maybe some insight will come to me while I'm asleep. Sadly, that's how I get informed of most things going on internally.

Confused

I'm confused today. So many of the things that were bothering me last week have been worked out and are no longer issues. My stress level is down. It's gorgeous outside here (sunny and warm!). I'm going out with friends for St. Patrick's Day after work (unless I back out). So, why in the world am I feeling so sad, lonely, vulnerable, and on the verge of tears??? I don't understand!

My head is quiet, so no feedback from anyone inside. Maybe that's the problem. I'm not getting feedback from inside. Just stupid feelings. I seriously still think feelings are overrated, and at this point, I'm not sure I'll ever be glad to have them back. I really didn't feel like I was missing out on anything all those years they were muted and dulled. I was much more logical in everything that I did. My mind decided everything and stupid feelings didn't get in the way and cloud my judgment.

Why am I being so freaking whiney today? Nothing bad is going on. Life is good. So why the heck do I feel like shit today? I/we have come so far over the past year, and I am so thankful for that progress. Days like today, though, make me think what good is all that progress if I'm still going to have days where I feel this bad? I'm trying to tell myself that maybe it will just be today and not solid for 5+ years like it was. We can survive feeling this crappy for one day, right?

Maybe some fresh air on our lunch break would help. Warm, sunny weather usually makes us really happy. Doesn't seem to be helping so much at the moment though. Grrr. Some days I swear, I wish I could just get over myself already!!!

Busy week

It's too late, and my mind is too tired to write much, but I missed getting to blog this week. Between job work and school work, I didn't have much time for anything else. I turned in my last assignment for the week about an hour ago. Whew! This next week should be better, so I look forward to being able to write more.

I had a tough weekend. Nothing bad happened. I just struggled with feelings of sadness and of being overwhelmed. I never did quite pinpoint the reason, but finally I was able to distract long enough that the feeling seem to be put away at least for the evening.

Have therapy tomorrow. It was cancelled on Thursday because therapist was sick. Going a week without therapy means I'll probably have something to write about tomorrow night. We'll see.

other person's point of view....

In therapy yesterday, therapist and I talked about my fear or overreacting emotionally, times when I think I have, and my feelings towards others when I think they're overreacting. Therapist was able to help me understand that in context of my history, I probably rarely overreact to any situation, but I may not always know the things from my past that are making my reactions more severe than I think they "should" be based soley on the present circumstance.

Keeping this in mind, I'm wondering how this evening's conversation with my sister fits into all of this. Her responses were not mean, but really hurt my feelings. Normally I would automatically assume I was overreacting, but in light of yesterday's therapy conversation I'm unsure.

I was telling my sis about a conversation my bf and I had yesterday regarding my future plans. I'm looking for a new job and trying to figure out what I want to do and where I want to get a job b/c my current job is ending within the next 6 months. I think I know what I want to do, but more than anything I want to make my plans fit around my bf's plans when he returns from Afghanistan in Dec. That's what I WANT. I don't feel like I need it or I can't be okay without him. I just don't want to be without him.

Backtrack just a bit: Had first somewhat future-oriented discussion with bf last night. Mostly b/c he was asking me about my career plans. I'm a thinker, so I was just telling him everything I was thinking and all of the possibilities I was considering. He said something that made perfect sense and is very logical, but it wasn't really what I WANTED to hear. He said I shouldn't let my desire to be with him keep me from following God's plan for my life, and if we're meant to be, then the plan for his life and the plan for my life will coincide. I believe there's a lot of truth in that, but I don't think you can leave it all to circumstance. I think we are required to take some action. Also, I know he doesn't want me to put all of my "eggs in his basket." To me it doesn't feel like I'm doing that. I also know his main reason is because he really is looking out for my best interest (thinking what if he doesn't make it home from Afghanistan or gets stationed somwhere I can't or don't want to move to, etc.) What I wanted him to say is that he hoped I could find a job doing what I want in his town too and that he really can see us being together forever. I DID NOT push this issues b/c it's more of a conversation we can have when we're face to face when he comes home for R&R this summer. Plus, I mostly just want him to focus on staying alive and coming home safe. I really feel this job/life decision is my battle, and I was just choosing to fill him in on it.

So, I was telling my sister this tonight and she totally agreed with Seth and basically said it in a way that suggested what I want is wrong and would freak anyone out. I don't think what I want is wrong, but it's not like I haven't thought about the prospect of overwhelming him or putting too much pressure on him talking about moving or talking about the future. We've been sister's for almost 25 years now. You'd think she'd know me well enough by now to know that I look at everything from EVERY angle. I completely see Seth's point of view. It's the logical, practical, rational thought. I did not argue this point at all with him last night. However, I guess I wanted to be able to just express what I'm still feeling to someone not involved without being judged. What I wanted my sister to say is that she knows this is hard on me and that she's sorry. I didn't need her judgment and to be reminded that I may be being irrational or too emotional.

So, now I'm left with a few questions. 1. Is wishing Seth would just say I want you in the same city when I get back; I want you to want to go with me wherever the military take me and being sad that he didn't an overreaction? 2. Is letting my sister hurt my feelings by being frustrated that she took "Seth's side" and didn't just comfort me overreacting too? I mean, his approach is definitely more logical than mine. 3. Is letting your feelings and emotions lead a situation always wrong or are there times when it's okay? 4. Must logic always be better or right?

I feel stupid for crying so many tears over this. Maybe this is the price I have to pay for waiting until I'm 28 to have my first real relationship and the choosing to have one with a Military man.

What it boils down to is that I feel the need to know whether my feelings are justified or not. If they aren't, I feel the need to stuff them, challenge them, put them away, not allow them, etc. If they are justified, why then do I feel like I'm the only one who sees my point of view?

And on a side note. Why do people always feel the need to make sure I see the other side of an issue???? Trust me, I've probably thought about both sides way more than they have or will!

Unsettled

So, I'm a planner. I like to have a basic plan of where my life is going in order to see that it can work out. I'm okay if things change from my original plan and work out differently. I just need the plan b/c my anxiety is much less when I see that things can work out. Too much in my life feels unsettled right now. I can' t make the things in my life fit so I know everthing can work out. Too much is up in the air and out of my control. I hate this feeling. It's kind of a cycle b/c my increased vulnerability from Angel makes me more anxious about not having control over the rest of my life, and not having control of lots of my life right now makes me feel more vulnerable.

I so want to be able to "go with the flow." With the little things I can, but with major life issues I can't. It is too complicated and detalied to try to explain it all b/c that would require me to explain all of my obsessive, circular, rational, and irrational thoughts, and I don't think I'm capable of explaining that. So, here's the quick rundown.

1. My job - the study I am working on is coming to an end in July. There will probably be work for me to do until Dec, but then I'm going to have to switch to another research study or find a new job. My other research options are not appealing in the least, and my boss thinks I should apply for a research coordinator position. That would be good if I ever wanted research to be my career. This was my job to move me to town, I never even planned to be in this job this long. I like my current job okay, but the end is in sight. I've applied for several jobs over the past 2 years, and while I come close, I never end up getting the position. It's not so bad that I'm feeling pressure to find a new job, but the fact that I'm back in school and dating a boy who (when he returns from Afghanistan) lives an hour away make it more complicated as to what type of jobs i can apply for and where I should possibly be applying.

2. Every day that goes by I fall more and more in love with my boyfriend. The thought of losing him literally petrifies me now. I would like to move to the town that he lives in when he returns in Dec, but I wonder if that is crazy b/c we haven't made any permanent commitment to each other. And I found out last night that he will probably only live there for a year after he returns before he will be stationed somewhere else. The university I'm attending is in his town, but the main reason I would move would be for him. Otherwise, I would just stay where I am now and commute to classes. I am settled here, and I have more of a life here. It's hard to talk about forever when we only get to really talk once every two weeks or so. We have e-mail and instant messaging, but it's hard to have real conversations through those modalities. If I was sure we had a future, I might get a job in his city now b/c it would increase my job market, and I would be closer to school, but I would be all alone there for 6 months until he returned. That seems too scary of a step to take with no reassurance.

3. Then there's school. Say boyfriend and I do work out and end up married in a year or two. Well, then I will be moving when he moves (which would make me very happy), but there is no way I would be able to finish my degree before we move. Most grad schools will only transfer 9 hours from a previous school, so now I'm thinking that maybe I need to stop taking classes once I reach 9 hours in case we move, so I'm not throwing money away. Then I think, that's stupid! Why am I planning all of these things around someone I don't even know I'll survive deployment with?????

4. And then one lovely thing for me to throw on top of all of that and worry about is that if I do marry bf and we move, I won't be able to see t face to face anymore. That's at least 18 months from now and t and I are working on plans to continue working together even if I don't live in the same city. So why is this even an issue??? I don't know, but it is and we're anxious about it.

In my dream world, bf would come home from Afghanistan safely. We would get married. I could quit work and go to school full-time and finish my degree quickly, but we would still stay around here for a few more years before we moved and I could see my t face to face for a longer period of time.

There is the possibility that this could happen, but it is only a possibility, so I can't say this is my plan. I have not talked to bf at all about this yet. Well, I've talked about moving to his town, but not about our long term plans. And I can't just plan to stay put b/c my current life won't allow for that, and I won't want to assuming bf and I stay together. I think I'm mostly feeling frustrated and anxious b/c I feel like I need to make decisions now about things that I don't have enough info on and won't for awhile still. I'm doing my best to turn all of this over to God and trust that he knows what's best and will work everything out, but it's sooooooooooo hard. Without a direction, I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly and at the mercy of everything around me. This makes the vulnerability feelings worse and the cycle continues, growing in strength.

Today all of my needs are being met. I have a job. I see my t face to face tomorrow. Bf and I are doing well even though he is far away. Why can't this be enough? Why can't I just be happy right now. Why can't I be okay with the unknown? Why does it make me feel so unsafe and so vulnerable?

I wish there was a button where I could just turn my brain off for awhile and rest...

Post- therapy

A part named Angel talked in therapy today. We've actually been scheduling time for her to talk every week for the past couple of months. She holds our worst memories and seems to know nothing other than the abuse about our life. She's picked up a few things here and there b/c she can pay attention to the outside world if she wants, but most of the time she's too overwhelmed with feelings, memories, and flashbacks. I think it takes the majority of her energy to not self injure or end things on a regular basis. I don't think she's aware that we do appreciate her. Our relationship hasn't always been so cordial. Before she gave into the memories and real therapy work, she was angry and took things out on anyone she could, usually other parts or on the body. Sadly for her, I think the anger was much easier to handle than what she's dealing with now. Sometimes I want to offer to help her more, and I feel weak that allowing her time in therapy feels like all I can do right now. Well, it's all I can do if we want to stay functioning in our external life.

She's having such a hard time. She was so anxious in therapy today. Our therapist's office normally feels safe to her, but it didn't today. She cried the whole time, was shaking, wringing her hands, and ended up curled up in a ball on therapist's couch. Therapist was able to help her calm down some and help her get to a safe place where hopefully she can stay until they meet again. It's hard for me when Angel comes forward though. Her feelings are so intense and awful that they seem to linger even after she's back inside and I'm forward again. In order to feel like I can handle things, I usually immediately find some sort of distraction to immerse myself in until the feelings pass. A few hours after therapy, I'm usually feeling decent again and go on with my normal week. I know this is the best I can do right now, but it feels like I'm not honoring her or her pain enough. I can't do it though. I just can't do it right now. So, I'm trying to let go of the guilt and hoping she and I can both accept that our best is good enough for each other right now.

I hate the vulnerability that accompanies the place we are in therapy right now. I think that's adding to some of the issues. I understand it's where we need to be and that this is progress, but it feels scary, emotional, and lonely (even when we're not alone). Cognitively, I know the good that can come from this work will be so worth it, but it's hard to believe that on nights like tonight. Obviously, I'm forward right now since I'm the one writing, and I'm at home in my room - a safe place. However, I am still feeling very hypervigilent and wish so badly that my mom, my boyfriend, or even my therapist was here right now to just hold me. Maybe I would be able to relax and feel safe in one of their arms....

We'll get through it. We don't usually have anyone around during the tough times and some parts would actually freak out if someone tried to hold us right now. I have the huge desire to be a kid again right now. A kid who can walk into her parents' bedroom, say she's scared, and crawl in bed with them. No one looks at that as weird. I wonder what my roommate would do if I asked to crawl into bed with her tonight because I was scared? haha! Not going to try it.

Tonight we'll just settle for a Klonopin and use TV as a distraction until we fall asleep. Hopefully things will feel more "normal" in the morning.

A little vent

My name is Hannah. I'm one of many in this system. Normally I don't do anything considered social, but I need to vent and this seems like the best way to do it without actually having to talk to anyone.


So, I guess you could say my "job" in our system is to be the brainiac. I got us through undergrad. I got us through grad school with a 4.0 despite 2 hospitalizations. I'm the one that's held down a full-time job at the same place for the past 3 years despite a few more hospitalizations. And currently, I am the one taking courses towards getting my Ed.S. degree. So far I'm managing everything just fine as far as working full time and taking an online class. What has me pissed off is my professor.



I can't decide if his attitude towards me is due to arrogance, ignorance or a combination of both. He definitely has more life knowledge than me b/c he's like 60, but it has become obvious over the course of the semester that he does not have more book knowledge than me. He does not know how to write APA style, but is requiring we write a term paper APA style. Through questioning though, it's not really an APA paper, it's a Dr. B. style paper. Then he tried to tell me I couldn't do my term paper topic b/c he looked it up in the dictionary and couldn't find it. Excuse me??????? The dictionary????? What year does he think it is? 1985? All you have to do is freaking Google it. PubMed alone has 178 articles on the topic. He relented and is letting me write the paper, but I'm sure I stepped on his toes b/c I asked to write on a learning disorder he's never heard of.... another sign of his ignorance. He's an education teacher that's never heard of a common learning disorder.



Today I got my grade results from last week's assignment. He didn't take off much, but his reasoning for taking off makes no sense. He claimed my answer to question one lacked insight b/c such a thing wouldn't have existed back then. Well, if I'd written what he said I did on question 2, he would be right. However, I didn't write it, and he's not even thinking about the right question. He made the homework questions up. Idiot!!

So, this mistake on his part boils down to one of two reasons. 1. He got my work confused with someone else and responded in my inbox to their homework and discounted from my grade instead of their's. 2. I've thoroughly managed to piss him off at this point in the semester, and he's going to make my grade suffer b/c I've bruised his ego. I've been banned by the others from e-mailing him and setting him straight. They say it's not worth it right now. I still very much have an A in the class, and we should wait and just contest the grade at the end of the semester if we don't get an A. Their position does make sense, but I really want to put this little man in his place!!!!!!!

I have no respect for him, and have decided he's either a moron or a jerk. Maybe both. Some of the others are telling me I'm being way too judgmental, but I don't care. I'm good at school. I'm good at book work. I am an A student. I can't stand it when someone tries to undermine that!!!

Ugh! I gotta go. Writing just seems to be making me more aggravated. All I know, is he better not pull this crap 2 weeks in a row, or I will go off no matter what anyone else inside says!

Drama

This post may prove to be a continuation of the last one or it may not. I am not sure yet. It's Sunday afternoon, I'm sitting on my bed in my room. I just turned in this week's assignment for the online grad class I'm taking. Outside it's sunny and there's snow on the ground. It's really pretty to look at. I spent the weekend at my parents' place. I am blessed in that this is still a safe place for me. I realize for most abuse victims the home where they grew up was not a safe place. Granted, my parents and I still have our issues, and they still refuse to acknowledge that I'm DID, but overall, they always have my best interest at heart.

This weekend was relaxing. Friday night I got to my parents' house and we ate dinner then watched the movie Fireproof. The acting was pretty rough except for Kirk Cameron, but the message of the movie is amazing. I highly recommend it for anyone in a relationship. I talked to my friend, Tempy, for awhile after that and then went to bed. I slept in on Saturday morning. Did a little school work during the day on Saturday. Little being the key word in that last sentence. Took a short nap. My grandparents live across the driveway, so in the afternoon my parents and I went over to their house and played a card game with my grandmother. My grandfather's not much for playing games, but he stayed in the room and visited with us. My dad won the game, but only by 1 point! That evening I went with my parents' to a special private opening of the new Beef O'Brady's restaurant in town. Dad does real estate legal work, so sometimes he gets perks like this. The food was just alright, but considering it was free, I wasn't complaining. We then came home and watched Get Smart. Can I just tell you how much I love Steve Carrell? I ended the night by talking to my boyfriend via webcam. This morning I woke up to snow. It was beautiful!!! The lesson and fellowship I received at church this morning were uplifting, and the rest of today has been spent relaxing and doing school work on my computer.

So, you may not have cared to know the details of my weekend, but the point is that I enjoyed it and there was NO drama. As a result, we are feeling really peaceful and maybe even happy right now. I am quickly learning that the less drama there is in my external life, the better I/we function. Maybe that's true of everyone, but it seems to me some people thrive on drama. I think for us, there's always so much turmoil and chaos inside, that any drama in the external world really exacerbates the emotions and symptoms we're trying to contain.

Weekends like this make me want to move to a private island and live forever - away from the business and stress of normal life. I must stop and think though. When my external life calms down, my internal life seems to become more active. Probably b/c I actually have the time and energy to pay attention to it, rather than it actually becoming more active. Would a peaceful external place be a set-up to allow chaos internally? Is there any way to find a happy medium between the two? If I asked for no drama at all - inside or externally - would I be happy or would I be bored? Am I ever going to be satisfied?

Maybe it's best not to question and just enjoy today. Tomorrow will come with it's own blessings and struggles. I think learning to live in the moment is the best thing we can do right now.