Monday, February 23, 2009

You don't realize how bad things are until they get better...

This is a lesson I was reminded of today. It was not in the usual way. For the past 2 weeks, I've been fighting a sinus infection. I knew I was sick, but like most things I sucked it up and continued to work, go out, and continue on with life like normal. By last Wednesday, I was no match for the sickness and I broke down and went to the doctor on Thursday. The doctor chastized me for not coming in sooner, saying I had a severe sinus infection. She wrote me a prescription for 2 antibiotics and gave me samples of a prescriptions strength antihistamine. I spent Thurs, Fri, and Sat in bed, ventured out a little on Sunday and finally went back to work today. Until today it seemed that the doctor, my family, and others were overreacting. I was sick, but I wasn't that sick. Now that I'm on the mend and feeling better, it's easy to see the contrast in how I felt 4 days ago and how I feel today. I really was in a bad place. I really was pretty sick. The only way I seem to be able to gauge this though is by how much easier everyday stuff was to do today. I felt happier, had more energy, could think more clearly, etc.

I then, being the apt student of life that I am ;), started thinking about how often I do this with my mental and emotional life too. I don't know if I get used to feeling bad a lot or if I just easily forget what feeling good can be like, but looking back, I constantly play down my bad feelings and tell myself and others that things aren't that bad. I did this last year, when internally we were at our worst.. our most suicidal... we still managed to pull off a good doctoral interview and put in 40 hours a week at work up until the day I was admitted inpatient.

Why is it so hard to admit when I'm really doing bad? And is it that it's too hard to admit or is it that I don't recognize when things are really bad? I don't consider myself a positive, sunny side up person, but looking at my life, I think I tend to play down all of the negative things in my life. I don't know what this means... if it means anything.. Just something I noticed today.

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