Rainy Wednesday

It's winter. It's raining. And all I want to do is crawl in bed and go to sleep. I am not motivated to be at work today. Blah.

I just talked to my boyfriend via google chat. He's in the US Army and is currently stationed in Afghanistan. He's a helicopter pilot and was involved in his first real combat situation today. He is fine and all of his air guys are fine, but the ground troops suffered some losses. This brings up an array of emotions for me. 1. I'm glad he actually told me he had a bad day and what happened. I was really afraid he'd try to keep me in the dark the whole time he was gone. 2. I'm thrilled that he is safe and back at the base. 3. I hurt more than I thought possible for those families who are finding out their loved ones are now gone. 4. That boyfriend is away at WAR just became real. 5. Increase in the fear that he might not make it home to me. 6. And wanting more than anything just to be able to throw my arms around his neck right now and tell him I love him.

As honest as we are with each other, I feel I can't share this with him. I'm afraid if he realizes how many emotions this one incident brought up in me, he'll shut me out and not tell me anything else going on over there b/c he'll want to protect me. I don't want to be shut out. I want to know everything. The good and the really awful. I want to be there for him however I can. I feel so helpless here, so far away. We are tough. We know we can handle this, and we have support here to help us. So, I guess that's why I'm writing this here right now. I want to be a support for him, not a stressor. So, we'll write about it, talk to our therapist and friends and hopefully the anxiety will pass soon. I signed up for this when I fell in love with him knowing he was in the Army, right?

Lord, please keep your hands on him and grant him peaceful sleep tonight.