Wednesday, February 18, 2009
I've made the mistake of letting myself feel too vulnerable over the past 2 days. I want to take it back, but I don't know how. My anxiety is really high and I'm feeling naseus. It doesn't help that I'm physically sick right now. I always feel more vulnerable when I'm sick. Usually my emotions shut down to compensate, but that hasn't happened this time. I feel so stupid. I think this is mostly my fault too. If I would keep my big mouth shut and not let people know how much I need them and care about them. I did it with my therapist on Monday. I did it with my boyfriend last night, and I did it with my best friend today. Nothing bad has happened from any of these situations, but I'm feeling so vulnerable and exposed. Now, I expect to be hurt deeply and soon. Why do I do this to myself? Haven't I learned by now to always share my feelings 2nd? Only after I'm sure the other person is as committed? And I feel stupid b/c I've been crying a lot today about all of this. What in the world??? I'm trying to think rationally. A lot of this could seem so much larger than it really is b/c I am physically sick. However, that doesn't make me feel better at this particular moment. Can I just go to sleep and wake up when my body is healed and then try to sort this emotional mess out?