Today therapist talked to a part that I've been aware of and had communication with almost since the beginning of when I became aware of "others" in my head. Therapist wanted to talk to her b/c she's scared some other parts over her extreme eagerness for sex once we're married. She basically has said she's been patient for a long time and now it's her time and there's nothing wrong with it b/c the body is an adult and we'll be married, so everyone else just needs to deal.
As long as I've known her she's wanted to push the envelope. She considered herself to be 21 years old long before the body was actually 21. Nothing was out of reach or illegal for her. Over most of the last 10 years, overwhelming negative reactions to her behaviors by parts inside has mostly kept her in line. The "consequences" weren't worth the fun. She also is able to recognize that doing something illegal would not be smart. I guess I just always assumed and characterized her as the part that just wanted to have fun and didn't want to be bound by rules.
A lot more than that came out in therapy today. Therapist managed to break through her happy-go-lucky exterior and get to some much deeper things I never knew existed. Turns out she's excited to have sex b/c she realizes the power she has as a woman over men in that department. She could really care less about sex itself or the pleasure that may come from it. She could really care less about fiance. He's just the man in our life that is available. She couldn't even remember his name half of the time she was talking.
She also talked about wanting to use this "power" to hurt fiance - emotionally. She wants to feel powerful and in control. She sees no issue with this other than she can recognize that we DO NOT agree with her and could hear what therapist has to say. However, there seems to be no moral compass or guilt in these thoughts for her. I know she's not on a mission to hurt fiance, per say. He's neither here nor there to her. It could very easily be a different man. But this hurts my heart so much!!
I love fiance' more than I can put in to words. I can't imagine any part of me hurting him on purpose. I want all of us inside to love him as much as I do.
Given our past, this part's attitude makes sense, and I believe if she continues to work with therapist she can place her anger and desires for power over someone where they belong - on our abuser. However, it's so hard to reconcile that a part of me is not bothered at all by the thought of us hurting another person. I guess I've always felt peace in the fact that I've never been able to fathom how someone hurts another person even if they were hurt themselves b/c this is something I believed none of us struggled with internally.
It's sorta like being introduced to someone you've known for a long time whose motives are not as light or as innocent as you always believed. It's a lot to try and wrap my mind around.
The good news is that I do not believe she will act on these thoughts or desires she has, and I feel safe that we will not hurt anyone in our life. It's just very disconcerting to discover and admit to myself that a part of us feels capable of causing pain to someone else and feeling no guilt over it.
Sometimes I really feel like a stranger to myself.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Being tested?
Okay, God. So I'm really beginning to think this is some sort of test, and I'm sure there's some sort of lesson I'm supposed to be learning from this, but I have NO IDEA what that is. Please help me understand!
Dr. M posted on my best friend's Caringbridge site again tonight. Another kind and thoughtful post. Reading her entries makes me nauseous, makes my heart ache, makes some miss her, makes some hate her, and more than anything makes us want to talk to her.
I have no idea what I think talking to her would accomplish. I know we're still looking for closure and resolution with her, but I don't think we'll ever get that from her. So we need to find it somewhere else before one of us cracks and does actually contact her. The question is do we find it in ourselves? Do therapist, family or friends help with that? Is it something that only God can heal in His time?
I really don't have the time or the energy for this old ghost to surface right now. blah.
Dr M's latest Caringbridge entry just because I feel like posting it:
Monday, February 22, 2010 9:31 PM, CST
I'm a firm believer that more information is always helpful. I am impressed by the thorough assessment that B has received. Even if they don't have more of an answer today, hopefully there is comfort in knowing that they more thoroughly understand him and would feel more comfortable jumping on any new treatment or plan in the future because of this knowledge. I'm sorry that there weren't more answers. That makes us all sad too.
You all are incredible as are all of your helpers in this journey. You encourage us by your faithfulness. God is using you already.
Love from (city),
J and M M
M M
City, State
Hard to continue to think of her as a heartless b*tch when you read stuff like this, huh?
Dr. M posted on my best friend's Caringbridge site again tonight. Another kind and thoughtful post. Reading her entries makes me nauseous, makes my heart ache, makes some miss her, makes some hate her, and more than anything makes us want to talk to her.
I have no idea what I think talking to her would accomplish. I know we're still looking for closure and resolution with her, but I don't think we'll ever get that from her. So we need to find it somewhere else before one of us cracks and does actually contact her. The question is do we find it in ourselves? Do therapist, family or friends help with that? Is it something that only God can heal in His time?
I really don't have the time or the energy for this old ghost to surface right now. blah.
Dr M's latest Caringbridge entry just because I feel like posting it:
Monday, February 22, 2010 9:31 PM, CST
I'm a firm believer that more information is always helpful. I am impressed by the thorough assessment that B has received. Even if they don't have more of an answer today, hopefully there is comfort in knowing that they more thoroughly understand him and would feel more comfortable jumping on any new treatment or plan in the future because of this knowledge. I'm sorry that there weren't more answers. That makes us all sad too.
You all are incredible as are all of your helpers in this journey. You encourage us by your faithfulness. God is using you already.
Love from (city),
J and M M
M M
City, State
Hard to continue to think of her as a heartless b*tch when you read stuff like this, huh?
Saturday, February 20, 2010
A little bit of insight
Therapist was kind enough to give me some phone time today to discuss my previous blog entry. It didn't take long to sort through the typical reasons hearing or seeing anything from or about Dr. M. upsets us so much. Therapist also let me vent how tired I am of this still being an issue because I feel we've spent so much time grieving that loss and rebuilding the bridges Dr. M. burned when it came to trusting others with any abuse and or therapy information.
What really hit home in our conversation today is something I've been thinking about for the rest of today. We've done our best over the past couple of years to vilify Dr. M.... to only remember the ways that she hurt us and how she let us think her termination with us was all our fault. Seeing her write nice things to best friend and husband struck a chord b/c it was a subtle reminder of how she isn't a horrible, evil person... that's she's really a very good person who screwed up royally with me.
I was thinking back to when we first started working with therapist almost 4 years ago. Goodness knows we put therapist through the ringer testing her and asking for reassurance all the time that she hadn't changed her mind about working with us yet. We spent a lot of time explaining what we believed to be the demise in our relationship with Dr. M. and how we could keep the same thing from happening with current therapist and our ongoing fears that it was an impossible task. One day we would succeed in running therapist off even though we were still very unsure of what we'd done to run Dr. M. off, other than truly believing it was our fault. As we were trying to explain our fears to therapist, I still remember trying to explain how awful the past couple of years since Dr. M. terminated with us had been while still trying to sort of defend Dr. M. and protect her dignity as a good therapist. At that point I guess I was still very aware of the ways she had been so helpful and caring towards us before things went terribly wrong.
Somehow along the way over the past 4 years Dr. M. has come to stand for everything horrible a counselor can do to a client. In fact, the only thing I was semi thankful to her for was for introducing me to a trauma disorders clinic that helped to keep me alive over a 5 year period after Dr. M. ditched us. I think it was easier (at least for me) this way. It made it easier to not think about or miss Dr. M. It made it easier to feel she was of no consequence to us. It kept the majority of the great pain at bay for so long, I guess I was able to think it didn't exist anymore and we had moved on.
What I've realized today is that in reality, it's a level of pain and grief we've never truly processed and seeing Dr. M's kind note to best friend sparked a fury of memories of times she was so kind and patient and understanding with us... times she went out of her way to help us... memories that at one point she really did care about us... Then the thoughts start up wondering if she still cares about us or think about us at all? Some parts inside would still give anything just to see her and hold her hand, to look into her kind eyes and feel safe in her office with the yellow walls.
Other parts want to get in her face and make sure she knows just how badly she hurt us. They want to know if she remembers the months after she decided she was going to terminate with us and looked for someone else to dump us on? She decided we needed a new therapist in September and didn't find anyone who was willing to "take us" until mid-January. Does she remember the begging? The promises to be a better client? To stop cutting? To never mention being suicidal again? To please not send us away? Does she remember the few weeks after she dumped us on some psychotic therapist when we begged her to help us find someone else b/c the new lady was horrible? They want her to know how we spent the next 2 1/2years bouncing from therapist to therapist and in and out of inpatient stays praying every night that we could just die. They want her to know that in a very different way they feel she traumatized us. They want a heartfelt apology and they want her to feel guilty for the way she treated us.
And how do I feel? I have no idea. I can't seem to separate my own feelings out right now. I seem to vacillate back and forth between the two extremes occasionally stopping in the middle where my rational mind is able to keep any parts from acting on one of these drastic emotions and doing something we will later regret. Mostly I just wish I was in a place where this could be in my past and stay there. I don't want to deal with and work through this intense pain. It's much easier to truly let go of someone you don't like or that you don't love anymore. Unfortunately, this is one of the sucky things about DID b/c there are parts inside that would go back to her in a heartbeat. She was the first person who ever listened to them.. took them seriously... really cared. And it really burns me up that parts of me would run back to her so quickly after everything! We DON'T need her. We have therapist! And therapist is way better to us and been more helpful to us than Dr. M. ever was.
F*ck!
God, you're going to have to take this one. Satan has a stronghold on this one and I don't know how to let it go. I know you are stronger and can not only help us let go of the bitterness but also help us grieve and heal the loss of someone we loved. Healing this pain really feels as though we're going to need a miracle.
What really hit home in our conversation today is something I've been thinking about for the rest of today. We've done our best over the past couple of years to vilify Dr. M.... to only remember the ways that she hurt us and how she let us think her termination with us was all our fault. Seeing her write nice things to best friend and husband struck a chord b/c it was a subtle reminder of how she isn't a horrible, evil person... that's she's really a very good person who screwed up royally with me.
I was thinking back to when we first started working with therapist almost 4 years ago. Goodness knows we put therapist through the ringer testing her and asking for reassurance all the time that she hadn't changed her mind about working with us yet. We spent a lot of time explaining what we believed to be the demise in our relationship with Dr. M. and how we could keep the same thing from happening with current therapist and our ongoing fears that it was an impossible task. One day we would succeed in running therapist off even though we were still very unsure of what we'd done to run Dr. M. off, other than truly believing it was our fault. As we were trying to explain our fears to therapist, I still remember trying to explain how awful the past couple of years since Dr. M. terminated with us had been while still trying to sort of defend Dr. M. and protect her dignity as a good therapist. At that point I guess I was still very aware of the ways she had been so helpful and caring towards us before things went terribly wrong.
Somehow along the way over the past 4 years Dr. M. has come to stand for everything horrible a counselor can do to a client. In fact, the only thing I was semi thankful to her for was for introducing me to a trauma disorders clinic that helped to keep me alive over a 5 year period after Dr. M. ditched us. I think it was easier (at least for me) this way. It made it easier to not think about or miss Dr. M. It made it easier to feel she was of no consequence to us. It kept the majority of the great pain at bay for so long, I guess I was able to think it didn't exist anymore and we had moved on.
What I've realized today is that in reality, it's a level of pain and grief we've never truly processed and seeing Dr. M's kind note to best friend sparked a fury of memories of times she was so kind and patient and understanding with us... times she went out of her way to help us... memories that at one point she really did care about us... Then the thoughts start up wondering if she still cares about us or think about us at all? Some parts inside would still give anything just to see her and hold her hand, to look into her kind eyes and feel safe in her office with the yellow walls.
Other parts want to get in her face and make sure she knows just how badly she hurt us. They want to know if she remembers the months after she decided she was going to terminate with us and looked for someone else to dump us on? She decided we needed a new therapist in September and didn't find anyone who was willing to "take us" until mid-January. Does she remember the begging? The promises to be a better client? To stop cutting? To never mention being suicidal again? To please not send us away? Does she remember the few weeks after she dumped us on some psychotic therapist when we begged her to help us find someone else b/c the new lady was horrible? They want her to know how we spent the next 2 1/2years bouncing from therapist to therapist and in and out of inpatient stays praying every night that we could just die. They want her to know that in a very different way they feel she traumatized us. They want a heartfelt apology and they want her to feel guilty for the way she treated us.
And how do I feel? I have no idea. I can't seem to separate my own feelings out right now. I seem to vacillate back and forth between the two extremes occasionally stopping in the middle where my rational mind is able to keep any parts from acting on one of these drastic emotions and doing something we will later regret. Mostly I just wish I was in a place where this could be in my past and stay there. I don't want to deal with and work through this intense pain. It's much easier to truly let go of someone you don't like or that you don't love anymore. Unfortunately, this is one of the sucky things about DID b/c there are parts inside that would go back to her in a heartbeat. She was the first person who ever listened to them.. took them seriously... really cared. And it really burns me up that parts of me would run back to her so quickly after everything! We DON'T need her. We have therapist! And therapist is way better to us and been more helpful to us than Dr. M. ever was.
F*ck!
God, you're going to have to take this one. Satan has a stronghold on this one and I don't know how to let it go. I know you are stronger and can not only help us let go of the bitterness but also help us grieve and heal the loss of someone we loved. Healing this pain really feels as though we're going to need a miracle.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Will this ever not bother me??
My best friend and only friendship I've maintained since childhood's husband has been terribly ill for the past year. He's been in and out of hospitals and while all the doctors can document his symptoms are real, no one can correctly diagnose him. Today he started another round of testing and hopefully treatment at the Rochester Mayo Clinic. He spent 6 weeks at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona over the summer, but they weren't able to do any more than the doctors here. The doctors at the Rochester Mayo think my best friend's husband may have something never diagnosed before and that's why it's so puzzling.
Anyways, best friend and I went to the same university together... the one where Dr. M was my therapist until she decided to drop me. I never expected Dr. M and best friend to cut off contact altogether just b/c she was no longer my therapist, but 6 years after her abandoning me and almost 4 years with current therapist who is amazing, seeing anything out there from Dr. M. seems to rip open that old wound and allow searing pain to flow. Her note on my best friend's Caringbridge site is below. As you can see, it is very sweet and very benign, but much to my chagrin, this post of Dr. M's makes me so angry. Best friend is mine!!!! Dr. M. made so much of my life miserable. The last thing I want is her to be nice to best friend. And how selfish is that of me? I seriously doubt Dr. M knows I'm the creator of the Caringbridge site or that she realizes I read everyone's messages like the site was for me. Best friend and her husband are as close as you can get to family without truly being related.
When will I ever reach a point where I can hear about Dr. M. or see something from Dr. M. and not totally flip out inside? Sometimes I really wish this freakin' world wasn't so small!!!
Oh, names were altered below to continue most efforts of anonymity.
Thursday, February 18, 2010 9:19 PM, CST
Hey J and B,
We are so excited about the thorough assessment B is receiving, the fabulous facilities, and the possibilities. You continue to be in our thoughts and prayers from (city) . God's strength through you is amazing. Thank you for showing that to us.
J and M.M.
M. M.
city, state
ugh.
Anyways, best friend and I went to the same university together... the one where Dr. M was my therapist until she decided to drop me. I never expected Dr. M and best friend to cut off contact altogether just b/c she was no longer my therapist, but 6 years after her abandoning me and almost 4 years with current therapist who is amazing, seeing anything out there from Dr. M. seems to rip open that old wound and allow searing pain to flow. Her note on my best friend's Caringbridge site is below. As you can see, it is very sweet and very benign, but much to my chagrin, this post of Dr. M's makes me so angry. Best friend is mine!!!! Dr. M. made so much of my life miserable. The last thing I want is her to be nice to best friend. And how selfish is that of me? I seriously doubt Dr. M knows I'm the creator of the Caringbridge site or that she realizes I read everyone's messages like the site was for me. Best friend and her husband are as close as you can get to family without truly being related.
When will I ever reach a point where I can hear about Dr. M. or see something from Dr. M. and not totally flip out inside? Sometimes I really wish this freakin' world wasn't so small!!!
Oh, names were altered below to continue most efforts of anonymity.
Thursday, February 18, 2010 9:19 PM, CST
Hey J and B,
We are so excited about the thorough assessment B is receiving, the fabulous facilities, and the possibilities. You continue to be in our thoughts and prayers from (city) . God's strength through you is amazing. Thank you for showing that to us.
J and M.M.
M. M.
city, state
ugh.
Too much to do. Not enough sleep.
This pretty much sums up my life over the past week. Nothing horrible has happened, and for that I am very thankful. But I am EXHAUSTED!!!!! I feel like I hit the ground running last Wednesday and haven't stopped. Trying to fit in work, classes, my practicum, intensified wedding planning, bible study, quality time with my fiance', and time with other important people in my life has left me feeling like a chicken with my head cut off..... And with all this going on, I had to give up a therapy session this week (which wasn't the end of the world, but I hate not having time for therapy) and I haven't been able to talk to a good friend who not only helps me unwind and sort through messes in my head that I create from time to time, but also doesn't demand anything from me other than that I just sorta be around.
It's all just normal life stuff this week, and I know part of it is readjusting to a 40+ hour work week and a social life. I had neither of those in the Fall. I also think if I ever got a truly good night's sleep more than once in a blue moon that would help too. It's so frustrating being this tired even when I know it's normal. I hate feeling like I'm going to break down sobbing if I have to do one more thing today. I did back out of tonight's plans b/c I just didn't feel we could handle it. I think that was a smart move and thankfully fiance' was gracious about it, even though I'm not sure he understands.
Hopefully resting tonight and no plans on Saturday will help me function better next week. I'm gonna need the energy. We're about to hit some rough stuff in therapy.
Okay. Going to stop for tonight. Having trouble stringing thoughts together. Think I'll just watch the Olympics. Hopefully chat with my friend and go to bed early.
It's all just normal life stuff this week, and I know part of it is readjusting to a 40+ hour work week and a social life. I had neither of those in the Fall. I also think if I ever got a truly good night's sleep more than once in a blue moon that would help too. It's so frustrating being this tired even when I know it's normal. I hate feeling like I'm going to break down sobbing if I have to do one more thing today. I did back out of tonight's plans b/c I just didn't feel we could handle it. I think that was a smart move and thankfully fiance' was gracious about it, even though I'm not sure he understands.
Hopefully resting tonight and no plans on Saturday will help me function better next week. I'm gonna need the energy. We're about to hit some rough stuff in therapy.
Okay. Going to stop for tonight. Having trouble stringing thoughts together. Think I'll just watch the Olympics. Hopefully chat with my friend and go to bed early.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
A little better
I didn't mean for an entire week to go by without posting a blog entry. The good news is that I got some at least temporary relief from last week's issues and got so caught up and busy during this week that I haven't found the time to blog.
One of the key things that I believe has helped me so much more this week came from a realization that I had last week about it being February. Now, I say "I came to a realization" but I'm pretty sure it was a part inside pounding it into my head until I actually listened. Being able to cut myself slack that this is only the 2nd Feb. in 7 years that I haven't been inpatient has really helped a lot. It didn't make anything better, but it helped let off of the shame and guilt I was feeling for not being able to keep things together as well as I'd liked.
I also talked to a very good friend about my fears and shame related to being intimate with my soon to be husband. On one hand I hate that she can absolutely relate to those feelings, but on the other hand, her insight was extremely helpful in helping me keep my thoughts in check so I don't automatically assume the worst.
I spent the weekend with 6 very good girlfriends from college, all of whom are married. The conversations over the weekend helped me better understand what is normal relationship stuff and what are the things I really need to address with fiance. I was amazed at how many things I thought were abnormal to me are very common in most relationships. I guess this is what happens when you've spent most of your life too scared to have a significant relationship with the opposite sex.
The current therapeutic challenge is to help a few parts that are really struggling with the idea of us purposely having sex and it being an okay thing. In fact, just dancing around the topic in session on Monday caused one part to get so upset that I became nauseous and had the old feeling that my body was disgusting. I'm healthy enough not to act on any impulses, but I wanted more than anything to rip my skin off so I could get out of this filth we're forced to live in on a regular basis.
These thoughts kind of freaked me out a bit on Monday. I, at least, don't often feel disgusted in my own body anymore and rarely have impulses to self-harm anymore. I was amazed at how strongly I felt all of these feelings during and after session Monday. Thankfully, they only lasted an hour or so and my external life got busy; I got distracted, and now just plan to leave it contained until Monday's session.
Seems we definitely know where our work needs to go in therapy though. Ugh. I know it's necessary, and I'm on board with doing the work, but I really really hate the work that makes you feel like shit in the process of trying to get to where you feel better. I can only hope and pray that one day I will run out of this type of therapeutic work to do.
One of the key things that I believe has helped me so much more this week came from a realization that I had last week about it being February. Now, I say "I came to a realization" but I'm pretty sure it was a part inside pounding it into my head until I actually listened. Being able to cut myself slack that this is only the 2nd Feb. in 7 years that I haven't been inpatient has really helped a lot. It didn't make anything better, but it helped let off of the shame and guilt I was feeling for not being able to keep things together as well as I'd liked.
I also talked to a very good friend about my fears and shame related to being intimate with my soon to be husband. On one hand I hate that she can absolutely relate to those feelings, but on the other hand, her insight was extremely helpful in helping me keep my thoughts in check so I don't automatically assume the worst.
I spent the weekend with 6 very good girlfriends from college, all of whom are married. The conversations over the weekend helped me better understand what is normal relationship stuff and what are the things I really need to address with fiance. I was amazed at how many things I thought were abnormal to me are very common in most relationships. I guess this is what happens when you've spent most of your life too scared to have a significant relationship with the opposite sex.
The current therapeutic challenge is to help a few parts that are really struggling with the idea of us purposely having sex and it being an okay thing. In fact, just dancing around the topic in session on Monday caused one part to get so upset that I became nauseous and had the old feeling that my body was disgusting. I'm healthy enough not to act on any impulses, but I wanted more than anything to rip my skin off so I could get out of this filth we're forced to live in on a regular basis.
These thoughts kind of freaked me out a bit on Monday. I, at least, don't often feel disgusted in my own body anymore and rarely have impulses to self-harm anymore. I was amazed at how strongly I felt all of these feelings during and after session Monday. Thankfully, they only lasted an hour or so and my external life got busy; I got distracted, and now just plan to leave it contained until Monday's session.
Seems we definitely know where our work needs to go in therapy though. Ugh. I know it's necessary, and I'm on board with doing the work, but I really really hate the work that makes you feel like shit in the process of trying to get to where you feel better. I can only hope and pray that one day I will run out of this type of therapeutic work to do.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
February
Who can tell how I'm going to be from one moment to the next? One minute I'm doing tons better and the next I'm a basketcase all over again. I know I need to cut myself some slack. Not only is it that time of the month, but it's the beginning of February. We're smack dead in the middle of winter and here I sit wondering why I'm way more emotional that usual. How quickly I forget.... Up until last Februrary, I spent the 5 Februarys before that inpatient because things got so bad this time of year... and the years before that I probably needed inpatient care but wasn't in a therapy setting decent enough for the therapist to realize it.
Last year was tough, but not inpatient worthy. That was thrilling. I don't feel near needing inpatient help right now either, but in a moment of clarity, I wonder why I'm just now realizing that this is always a hard time of year for me? On top of things coming up in therapy, adjustments fiance and I are both having to make, planning a wedding, and just normal every day crap, I'm in the worst time of the year for me. Duh! No wonder I'm a basketcase.
It doesn't make the pain or depression any less and it doesn't make things easier to deal with, but I think I can start to cut myself a little bit more slack now. I am not turning into some needy, emotional girl who has a secret plan to run her fiance off by draining the life out of him. I realize some of you may almost laugh at that statement, but for a time, I really was afraid I was starting to self-sabotage our relationship b/c so much of the time (even though he's being insensitive and driving me crazy lately) I feel like he's more than I deserve and it's only a matter of time before he wakes up and realizes that.
What I am doing is surviving February the best way we know how at the moment. And while I want to be handling it better, I do need to give shout-outs to everyone inside for working so hard b/c even in this struggle, there are no impulses to self-harm. Just lots and lots of tears!! Tears we can handle. There is also the realization that by the mid to end of March, this will have passed and Spring will be here. Our mood and ability to handle and cope with strong emotions always improves in the Spring and through the Summer.
I talked to a dear friend last night who helped me put fears from my last post into perspective. While I still plan to talk to fiance b/c I want him to understand as much as possible, she helped me to see how many of my thoughts, fears, etc. are still rooted in the PTSD and the shame from the abuse.... and really have nothing to do at all with the current situation or fiance.
Right now I have to trust the people in my life who truly know me/us (the good and the bad) that we will not be dragging fiance into some downward spiral with us b/c we are on our way up. Yes, there are still great struggles, but the progress we've made over the past couple of years only lends to the progress we can continue to make that fiance can share in with us.
I sometimes wonder if abuse victims ever learn well enough that they don't have to be perfect and do everything right and keep to this impossible standard in order to be truly loved and cared about? I know there are people in my life that do that for me, but will I ever get rid of the fear that they may decide to leave one day? Will I ever trust that whether I'm being emotional, irrational, irritating or just a pill, someone else is truly going to stick with me? Are you ever able to let go of the fear that you may run everyone in your life away? And what does that say about me if I believe I actually have the power to do that? Sounds kind of grandiose.
For now, I have therapist, a few very dear friends, family and a fiancee that love me. This is more of a blessing than most of the people I know. I want to learn to cherish this rather than living in fear of losing it. At the same time, I'm going to remember to cut myself some slack. It is February after all.
Last year was tough, but not inpatient worthy. That was thrilling. I don't feel near needing inpatient help right now either, but in a moment of clarity, I wonder why I'm just now realizing that this is always a hard time of year for me? On top of things coming up in therapy, adjustments fiance and I are both having to make, planning a wedding, and just normal every day crap, I'm in the worst time of the year for me. Duh! No wonder I'm a basketcase.
It doesn't make the pain or depression any less and it doesn't make things easier to deal with, but I think I can start to cut myself a little bit more slack now. I am not turning into some needy, emotional girl who has a secret plan to run her fiance off by draining the life out of him. I realize some of you may almost laugh at that statement, but for a time, I really was afraid I was starting to self-sabotage our relationship b/c so much of the time (even though he's being insensitive and driving me crazy lately) I feel like he's more than I deserve and it's only a matter of time before he wakes up and realizes that.
What I am doing is surviving February the best way we know how at the moment. And while I want to be handling it better, I do need to give shout-outs to everyone inside for working so hard b/c even in this struggle, there are no impulses to self-harm. Just lots and lots of tears!! Tears we can handle. There is also the realization that by the mid to end of March, this will have passed and Spring will be here. Our mood and ability to handle and cope with strong emotions always improves in the Spring and through the Summer.
I talked to a dear friend last night who helped me put fears from my last post into perspective. While I still plan to talk to fiance b/c I want him to understand as much as possible, she helped me to see how many of my thoughts, fears, etc. are still rooted in the PTSD and the shame from the abuse.... and really have nothing to do at all with the current situation or fiance.
Right now I have to trust the people in my life who truly know me/us (the good and the bad) that we will not be dragging fiance into some downward spiral with us b/c we are on our way up. Yes, there are still great struggles, but the progress we've made over the past couple of years only lends to the progress we can continue to make that fiance can share in with us.
I sometimes wonder if abuse victims ever learn well enough that they don't have to be perfect and do everything right and keep to this impossible standard in order to be truly loved and cared about? I know there are people in my life that do that for me, but will I ever get rid of the fear that they may decide to leave one day? Will I ever trust that whether I'm being emotional, irrational, irritating or just a pill, someone else is truly going to stick with me? Are you ever able to let go of the fear that you may run everyone in your life away? And what does that say about me if I believe I actually have the power to do that? Sounds kind of grandiose.
For now, I have therapist, a few very dear friends, family and a fiancee that love me. This is more of a blessing than most of the people I know. I want to learn to cherish this rather than living in fear of losing it. At the same time, I'm going to remember to cut myself some slack. It is February after all.
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