Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

I just wanted to wish you a a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year! I'm spending this evening and tomorrow with family, and then heading out for about 2 1/2 weeks of traveling. Not sure how much time I'll get to blog, but I'll try to at least check in. Hope each of you are blessed with peace over the next few weeks.

Merry Christmas!!!!!!

To laugh or cry hysterically?

Yes, that is the type of day I've had today, and why I'm just now blogging at 12:01am. Just because I'm now finding my day rather hysterical now that it's over I'm going to share. Thank you for indulging me.

*Oh, before I go futher. There is mention of women's health issues and possible treatments, so proceed with caution if that is a concern for you.*

So, fiancee went with me to my mother's family's Christmas yesterday b/c his flight to Maine was cancelled b/c of snow in Newark, NJ. We were able to get him a flight out early this morning, but rather than leaving him all alone where we live, I drug him with me to my grandmother's house to meet all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins. He's never met my mom's family. It was rather entertaining.

Anyways, we had to get up at 5am today to get back to the airport he was flying out of in time for fiancee to catch his flight to ME. (He's spending Christmas there and meeting me and my family on Dec. 26 for a ski trip) So, as you may or may not know, I'm NOT a morning person and accidentally took my sleepy meds (Klonopin) this morning instead of my anti-depressant (Prozac). That should have been my sign to crawl back in bed and stay all day. I had to ask fiancee to drive to the airport b/c I was already glossy-eyed. He got a good laugh out of it.

After I dropped him off at the airport, I went to American Laser Center (my last splurge on myself before I quit my job was to purchase laser hair removal for my underarms - I used a coupon I got from a Women's Show and some money I'd been saving as "splurge money") for a treatment. Well, their coolant machine that goes along with the laser was broken. They said it might hurt more, but it wouldn't burn me. Riiiiight.... I don't think I've ever screamed in a doctors office before and I now have one nicely red, tender underarm. :P I said I'd come back when they fix the cooling machine.

From there I saw therapist, and it was probably the least stressful portion of my day. Too bad i couldn't have seen her tonight when I really had stuff to talk about.

After therapist, I went to my PCP, I've had a lingering women's issue(gotta love antibiotics for that) for over a month that I want gone before I start my travels on Sunday. Lucky for me they could work me in for today, bad for me, I have the worst yeast infection my doctors ever seen. I have to take a diflucan everyday for 3 days and then douche on Thursday if it's not better. Anyone ever douched??? I'm really not wanting to figure out what that's like. From there I went to the pharmacy where I was informed that my insurance will not pay for my diflucan Rx because I already had one filled this month.. Well, duh, I've been fighting this infection since the beginning of November!!!! Grrrr. Individual insurance stinks majorly!!!! But what can I do? I need the meds.

From there I finally make it back home and started a load of laundry b/c my plan tonight was to pack and clean my apartment since the family who owns the house that my apartment is in will be using my bed for a couple of their married children while I'm away. About 10 minutes after I started the washer, I went into the kitchen to fix some dinner. The kitchen floor was covered in water. The dishwasher wasn't running so I was confused. Stepping back out into the living room, I noticed the carpet in front of both bathroom doors was soaked. Running to the bathroom I saw standing water covering the entire bathroom floor about an inch thick. Yes, the washer broke. Apparently it no longer fills right and it somehow managed to overflow and gush water out the bottom of the washing machine. I wonder what I looked like splashing through the water to the washer to turn it off and turn the water off at the valve and then scrounging around trying to pick things up off the floor that didn't need to get wet (like my hair dryer and flat iron. I think the hair dryer is a loss). The family wasn't home, and towels made no dent in soaking up the water, so I called Mr. homeowner. He was out at the hospital visiting a church member, but he sent a neighbor over who was a plumber and he brought his shop vac and soaked up all the water. Then the carpet cleaner guys came and soaked the water out of the carpet, sprayed some anti-mildew stuff, and set up two huge fans and a dehumidifier in my apt. It's like a VERY LOUD white noise machine.

Now I sit here on my bed with suitcases packed for my trip. I have no idea what is in them. Hopefully stuff I'll want to wear. At this point, my day sounds rather comical, but I shed several tears through the course of the day as well. Now I am praying Murphy's law will not strike 2 days in a row.

If I'm going to draw a therapeutic note from all of this, I must say we are proud of ourselves for handling everything in stride and never feeling tempted to self-injure or anything else unhealthy........ and even finding a sense of humor about part of it.

Fear

The more I think about telling fiancee that I am actually a we, the more I don't want to do it. My cognitive mind knows I still need to tell him, but no other parts come out when I'm around him, and it doesn't feel near as pressing. Plus, even though he's being great, he doesn't understand much, and something he told me when he talked last weekend is that there have been moments of hesitations on his part based on the little information he has - which is basically that I was sexually abused as a child. After talking with therapist this week, I know I need to find out what his fears and hesitations were that he "worked through". That information may help me know how to proceed when I'm ready and will hopefully alleviate some fears on my part when I understand what his fears are. I never thought someone seeing you genuinely doing well, would actually inhibit your ability to help them understand that there is more than one facet to you. I always thought the better I was doing when I did tell my future husband, the easier it would be because it would seem less scary. Seems this is not the case at least with my fiancee. He is confused by the few things I've told him b/c he can't see that stuff in me.

I know a lot of it is just going to take time. I am in such a different place than I was a few months before we met, but he was also gone for a year and not interacting with me day in and day out. Maybe the longer he's home, the easier it will become to talk to him and tell him about this part of my life b/c he will see it naturally with us being together a lot more.

I just can't help the thoughts right now going through my head of "what if we do scare him off???" What if he decides he doesn't want to marry me/us? We're far from crazy, and we know that, but he's so naive, I'm not sure he'll be able to distinguish the difference.

I'm trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter right now. The plan for the next month is just to spend time with him, enjoying the holidays, and getting reacquainted with one another. A lot of my fears may naturally subside during this period or talking to him and explaining things may become easier.

Blah. I hate feeling like I'm complaining over 2 great blessings in my life: 1. continuing healing 2. a man that I love and loves me back.

Just need to relax and enjoy the holidays and pick the fear back up in January sometime.

Good Talk

Fiancee and I had a really good talk yesterday afternoon after I got my nice vent out here on my blog. I was able to figure out what I really wanted from him and how I wanted to say it. The conversation went really well, and while he was aware of some things, he really was clueless about some of the things that had been hurting my feelings. Hopefully he also understands now that I need periodic reassurance that he is still happy he chose me and he wants to marry me over continuing to be a bachelor. I don't want to take him away from his friends totally, but I needed to know we were on the same page as far as what our engagement meant to each of us and how we see things after we're married.

We also laid the groundwork for us to continue talks about therapy and why it is helpful for me and will hopefully naturally lead into explaining DID at the right time. Yesterday we spent time mostly just explaining to him why I'm in therapy "still" and how it is helpful. Because he came into my life after I stopped self-injuring and was no longer having suicidal ideations, he's not seen a lot of things that I/we've dealt with, and as a result, he struggles to understand why I'm in therapy at all. I love that he sees me as one of the strongest women he's ever met, but I also want him to see that I am vulnerable and not near as self-assured as I appear. I also began to explain PTSD to him in the sense how everyday "normal life" events can at times be more overwhelming for me than other people because they trigger old memories, flashbacks, or messages from the abuser and things feel compounded. I talked about how at these times it's hard to seperate past from present, and that these issues are things I'm still currently working on in therapy. I summed things up by saying that therapy now is not crisis therapy to help me stay alive. It is now therapy to help me live the life I want to live and not be inhibited by a past that wants to cling to me like an old tattoo you wish you'd never gotten.

I know there is much more to tell him and help him understand. However, he's only been home for a week and he's still struggling with sleep deprivation and adjusting to life being home. We have plenty of time. Plus, letting him process what I've told him so far will help him take in more info later.

It feels so much better to feel on the same page with him again and to have my feelings validated and some questions answered. I also hope our conversation will help him feel able to come to me if/when he has issues with me. As much as I try to be, I know I am far from perfect, so I hope he will return the favor when necessary.

Whew! It's nice to just feel happy for a bit again.

Patience + Ignoring old belifs = Difficult!!!!

The first week of fiancee being home has been such a mixed blessing. It is so wonderful to see him everyday and get to talk to him and hold his hand and feel safe in his arms. On the other hand, it's requiring an immense amount of patience on my part. I believe most of the things he does that hurt my feelings are the result of major jet lag and working everyday in an intense setting surrounded mostly by men for the entire year.

I have to keep telling myself that I really am the most important thing in his life like he told me when he proposed - that he'd rather walk through this life with me than anyone else because most of his actions over the past week, tend to make me think differently. I feel second place to his roommates (2 of whom he was deployed with). I feel second place to his friends he left behind. Last night we watched a movie at his place with his roommates. After it was over, he was exhausted so I told him I'd go and he could go to bed. He said "okay" and went to bed leaving me in the living room by myself. I waited a few minutes and he didn't come back out so I just let myself out of the house. Before, he would have at least walked me to the door and made sure I got in my care safely. A few minutes ago he called and I asked him what his plans for the day were. He said to straighten up his room (no issue here. I know he wants to feel settled), run a few errands, and then he was going to a Christmas party tonight and needed to pick up a White Elephant gift. As an after thought, he said, "Oh you can come too if you want to." I guess it was very naive of me to think he'd want to spend time just him and me. I've barely gotten him to myself since he got home, and the only times I do are when I specifically ask for it. I do believe a lot of things will get better with time when he's less tired. At least I hope the considerateness he had before will return.

What makes this more difficult than just having my feelings hurt is those old messages about how I'll never be good enough to be anyone's top priority; how I don't deserve to be treated nicely; how it's my job to just give and give and never expect anything back; and the some voice inside is screaming that he only wants us for his physical pleasure (even though we've never had s*x with him). It's as though I feel my mind is using these situations to put me back in "my place" after working so hard to get out of underneath all of the lies abuser had us believe. Now my mind is thinking maybe they weren't lies afterall. Crap! We gotta get a hold on this before it gets out of control. Why does it take so long to make progress and feel like I could slip back so quickly???

How do you decipher out the truth? How do I not fall back into the pattern of just being grateful for whatever niceness anyone chooses to throw my way? How do I remember I deserve respect if for no other reason than I am a human being?How do I remember that fiancee is probably just adjusting after being gone for a year? Ugh. I just need this adjustment time over and I need my fiancee to pay attention to me long enough for us to be able to have a real conversation without him getting distracted or falling asleep.

I know most of you don't know me or him, and I was hesitant to post this because fiancee really is a good man and the only way he's ever hurt me is by hurting my feelings - which all of us do to the people we care about sometimes. And I truly believe he's not hurting my feelings on purpose. Unfortunately, this isn't helping me keep the old tapes in my head at bay.

Maybe I'll get to talk to him this afternoon or tomorrow. I hope so anyways.

He's home!!!!!

Fiancee is home!!!! He got in very early this morning (just after midnight). The welcome home ceremony was actually pretty cool, and we made it back to my place by around 2:30am. Finally fell asleep somewhere around 4am. We spent today moving him into a place to live and just hanging out. It is so nice to go to sleep tonight knowing he's just on the other side of town and not on the other side of the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Homecoming

I'm beginning to think I am not cut out to deal with the flexibility that is required with being an Army wife. At the beginning of the week, I was told fiancee would be arriving home from his year deployment in Afghanistan, very early on the morning of Dec. 4 (actually about 6 hours from right now). The early hour killed me, as I am not a morning person, but this was such an excellent notice because, tomorrow, Dec. 4 is my birthday. What better birthday present could I ask for??????

Over the past 72 hours, they've changed his arrival time at least 4 times. The latest change happened around 4pm today. Now he won't be home until 8:30pm on Saturday. Blah. Still an excellent add to my b-day weekend, but sadness he won't be here on my birthday. Also, I'm doubting his set time to come home will actually be when he gets home. Considering the time changed by more than 12 hours in a less than 4 hour period today, I expect it to continue to change. It's leaving parts of us wondering if he'll ever make it home. Granted, we know that he will, but b/c the end is in sight but not graspable (is that a word?) it feels almost torturous. Hanging the one thing we want more than anything right now out in front of us but never in reach.

Things at work were a bit better this week but not because my supervisor actually stepped up and did anything. In fact, on Tuesday I realized he was never going to, so unless I wanted to lose my GA position, I realized it was up to me to figure something out. After lots of thought and prayer the past 2 days, I proposed in our team meeting that I work 2 1/2 days a week and horrible co-worker work the other 2 1/2 days out of the week. This way we would never overlap and it will eliminate my issues with co-worker. I do feel sorry for co-workers I like though b/c this does not address horrible co-worker's inappropriate behaviors last week or in previous weeks or the name calling that I had to endure. It just means I won't have to run into him anymore. Whatever. Monday is my last day at work and then I'm off for Christmas until Jan. If more stuff needs to be changed, I'll figure it out then.

You know, it's good to know we're finding ways to stand up for ourselves as an adult and find solutions to bad situations and protect ourselves, but at the same time, it's so frustrating to realize how many times we've (and lots of people for that matter) gone unheard as an adult when asking for help from the ones who are supposed to be able to give it. If it's hard to be heard as an adult when an injustice is going on, it makes perfect sense that kids who ask for help go just as unheard if not more so.... and people wonder why we gave up trying to tell what was going on when we were a kid....

Exhaustion

Why is it that when I'm exhuasted, I find myself staying up later playing on the internet instead of getting up and going to bed? Wouldn't sleep be so much easier and more beneficial?