I'm finding myself in an awkward place this week. I am happier than I can ever remember being. I'm looking forward to my future, and I'm making future plans that I'm very excited about. At the exact same time, 3 of my closest friends who have really walked through dark places with me, are all inpatient. One has been IP for a month. One was admitted Saturday. And one was admitted to her local hospital 2 days ago and transferred to a hospital with a trauma unit today.
I'm finding myself fighting guilt. Guilt that my life is going better than I ever dreamed it would, and I think I'm happier than I've ever been while 3 of my best friends are in severe pain and struggling to survive and working so hard in therapy. My friends have put no guilt on me and would tell me it's rediculous for me to have any. I know they are all so happy for me that I'm happy right now. Still, I can't help but wonder why me? Why am I being so blessed right now while my friends suffer so greatly?
Selfishly, I have absolutely no desire to trade places with any of my friends right now. Yet somehow that feels wrong too. I think I'm going to add this to my list of things that someone should warn you about when you start feeling better. Still able to be happy, but it just feels awkward.