1 Year Together

Seems like I've been recognizing a lot of anniversaries lately, but today's is one I'm particularly happy about. My boyfriend and I have been together for one year today and are still going strong! In fact, things are going better than I ever dreamed they would. We're starting to talk marriage and rather than freaking out about, the topic really excites me.

Before current bf my longest relationship was 2 months. I did the breaking up everytime except for one. Inevitably something would happen that in reality was very benign, but it would set off a major trigger and the only thing that ever seemed to calm things down was to end of the relationship. Anything less of that still left me with overwhelming anxiety.

Where I am now is amazing! I never dreamed such an incredible guy would be not only attracted to but in love with me. Most days I still think this has to be a dream. We have our differences like any couple, but most things are fantastic. And honestly, it's just exciting for me to be able to say the word "couple" in reference to myself and not referring to internal parts. ;)

He will be home from Afghanistan for his two weeks of R&R in 10 days. I am soooooo excited!!! I haven't seen him in person in over 5 months. It will be tough when he leaves to go back for the last 6 months of his deployment, but right now I'm just focusing on the 2 weeks we're going to have together.

One year.... wow! I'm really impressed with us. Never thought we'd ever be in a good relationship with a guy that was above our expectations. Really didn't want to settle for less, so had just planned on being single forever...... Thinking that may not be the outcome anymore. :)

bad day

Today has been a bad day all the way around. I wish I knew why. It's just been bad since I woke up. Nothing externally has gone wrong, but internally I feel like crap. I feel depressed and sad. I'm constantly fighting back tears, but I don't know what I'm wanting to cry about. I'm not getting any feedback from parts inside so far today. And to top it off, I've been kinda switchy at work. I DON'T switch at work, but I've been all over the place today. Thankfully no one's noticed, and I've just told most people I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and that things will be better tomorrow.

Oh, if only it were that easy... To just wake up an be in a crappy mood one day and that be it. But I know there's way more to this. I am just not aware of the circumstances causing these intense emotions yet. I'm sure I'll find out eventually. I probably don't want to know what's behind the feelings, but I hate having feelings I can't 'justify' at the same time. It's always seemed to me that if I can't tell you why I'm feeling a certain way, then I need to get over it b/c I have no justifiable reason to be feeling that way.

Today I have just let myself have all of these feelings and be switchy and whatever. I kinda just don't care right now. I will admit this is not easy or comfortable in the least and it's very frustrating, but I don't know what to do and today I don't have the mind power to figure it out. So, I guess I'm just going to continue to be a grouch and cry when I get the chance until this either goes away or I figure out what's behind it all.

Thank goodness it's Friday!

Memorial Day

I've always considered myself to be pretty patriotic. Both of my grandfathers were in the military. I have a 2nd cousin serving in Afghanistan right now. On Memorial Day I always take the time to remember those who have died for our freedom and those who are currently fighting for our freedom and safety. I sing the patriotic songs along with the radio, spend time with my family. Overall it's a generally happy holiday for me.

This year has been totally different. With boyfriend currently over in Afghanistan, days like today take on a new meaning. Most of the day I was still really happy. I was very proud to tell my family about the latest things my boyfriend is doing overseas and proud to tell my friends and everyone that he was my boyfriend. I am so proud of his commitment and his bravery.

My drive from my family's place to mine is about an hour and a half. I cranked up the radio and planned to sing along in the car like I usually do. Since it was Memorial Day, most of the Country stations were playing all of their patriotic songs. I knew all of the songs. I've sung along with most of them several times. Tonight though, they overwhelmed me. All I could think about was how far away boyfriend is, how he's at WAR, and how there is the possibility he will never come home to me. Mostly I keep these thoughts in my subconscious and just pretend he's on a trip or something. He'll be home in 2 1/2 weeks for his R&R. I haven't seen him in 6 months. The fact that I'm close to seeing him is making my missing him even worse and my fear that something will stop him from making it home is growing as well. Not to mention he'll only be here for 2 weeks and then he has to go back to Afghanistan for another 6 months.

Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked. After about 30 minutes in the car listening to the radio, I guess emotions I've been stuffing or not wanting to feel finally surfaced. All those patriotic songs were having an impact. I had a major meltdown. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Everyone says I've been handling things so well. A meltdown every now and then should be expected. I haven't cried that hard for that long in a very long time. The fear and the heartache were so strong.

This isn't like the abuse or anything to be ashamed of, so I could have called anyone for support. My family, my friends, my therapist, but I didn't want to call anyone. It felt like I needed to grieve this alone. I'm assuming it's because I've grieved most major things in my life alone b/c sharing them with someone else was out of the question. To a degree, I guess it's become my preferred way of grieving. I don't know what's healthy or not. I just know I noticed that I didn't want to talk to anyone when I was in the middle of my meltdown. I also know by the time I got home, I was loathing the fact that it was Memorial Day b/c I am tired of being reminded why this day exists in the first place.

I know this is all just my emotions going crazy because boyfriend has been gone so long and I'm hearing about how many soldiers have died in war and specifically in Afghanistan. I love boyfriend so much. Thoughts of him not coming home to me feel unbearable, so I just don't go there. Today I was kind of forced to. I hope it's not patriotic that I will be happy when this day is over and I don't have to be reminded every second about how dangerous war is and how much I miss boyfriend.

Ugh. Waterworks starting again... Think I'm just going to crawl into bed.

Songs

So, I seem to be identifying a lot with song lyrics lately. I take that back. I have always identified with song lyrics, I just don't usually have an outlet to share them with anyone. Lucky you for being a reader. :)

This weekend I was introduced to a song by the country group Sugarland. They are not a Christian group, but the way they wrote the song below sounds exaclty what I imagine God saying to us all of the time, but especially when we hurt. Youtube has several videos of the song, but none of them have the correct lyrics written out, so I'm just posting the lyrics below. If you want to hear the song, it's easy to listen to it on youtube.

Fall Into Me lyrics

When the weight of the world bears
down so strong
You leave footprints on the street
And there’s too many miles to face
Without a few more hours sleep
The storm clouds overhead won’t
shed
Any rain to quench your thirst
I wanna be the one you reach for
first
When your faith is stretched so thin
That you can see straight through
your soul
And you can’t find a nickel to buy a
smile
‘Cause your pockets all got holes
You wanna shut the door and hide
Before the day can get much worse
I wanna be the one you reach for
first

Chorus:
Fall into me
My arms are open wide
And you don’t have to say a word
‘Cause I already see
That it’s hard and you’re scared
And you’re tired and it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach
for first

I wanna be the bottle
You’ve been drinking with your eyes
Or the road you run away on
You’ve been running all your life
The third row pew
That you last knew as a child in
church
I wanna be the one you reach for
first

Fall into me
My arms are open wide
And you don’t have to say a word
‘Cause I already see
That it’s hard and you’re scared
And you’re tired and it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach
for first

Before you turn the key
Before you fall asleep
Before you drift away to fight those
demons waiting for you in your
dreams
Before your arms are stretched wide
open
Before you reach into the sky
Before you’re searching for direction
And all the answers to your why’s

Fall into me
Oh, my arms are stretched wide
open
You don’t have to say a word
Because I already see
That it’s hard and you’re scared
And you’re tired and I know it hurts
Yes, it’s hard and you’re scared
And you’re tired and it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach
for first

May 19

My dad had a heartattack a year ago on this date while sailing off the coast of Florida. Thankfully, he was smart enough to pay attention to the symptoms and with the help of his friends and the Florida Coast Guard, he was taken to the nearest hospital in Pensacola, FL. The doctors put a stint in two of his arteries and he spent 3-4 days in the hospital. A year later he is doing fantastic! No lasting effects. I didn't see him in the hospital because he was several states away and by the time I even learned of the incident, my dad was out of surgery and recovering well.

It's kind of crazy to me how I think I'm having more emotions about his heartattack this year than I did when it actually happened. I guess it's because I can look back at all of the things that have happened in the last year that I couldn't have shared with him if the heartattack had taken his life. I am so blessed that my dad is such a good man and, other than being really strict and having a trigger temper, was never abusive to me and his approval means the world to me.

Two weeks after dad's heartattack, I met my boyfriend, the man I hope to eventually marry. For him to have been able to meet my boyfriend... to get his approval of boyfriend... for boyfriend to meet him and for them to like each other. For dad to see me go through a winter without having to go inpatient and see me making future-oriented plans that I'm excited about. For dad to let me take him rock climbing for the first time... For another year of holidays with him. For the hope that if/when I do get married, he's still going to be around to walk me down the aisle. For being my partner in our family Easter egg toss and winning 1st place this Easter! So many little things that I would have missed sharing with him over the past year.

Thinking of any of those things happening without him here, brings an overwhelming sadness. I am pleased that most of my emotions seem to be focused on my thankfulness that he's still around and the love I have for him. I am keenly aware of the hole that I know am able to see his death will leave in my heart. I can only pray that this time is several years from now.

So, until that time, I am so incredibly thankful for every moment I get to spend with my dad.

3 Year Anniversary

Today therapist and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary together in session. Our actual first session was May 16, 2006, but that's a Saturday and neither of us wanted to have a session on a Saturday so we celebrated today. We celebrated with cupcakes, coke, and art. :)

Many of you may not understand why therapist and I celebrate our anniversary together. The simple answer is that we've never had a therapist keep us longer than 2 years. If not sooner, by the 2 year mark, whoever my therapist was at the time was looking for someone more "qualified". For most of them, it was the nice way of saying, "I don't want to deal with you anymore." Others have been more direct and practically said that flat out. Whatever the reason, since we started therapy 10 years ago, we've never gotten to work with the same person for more than 2 years, and most just several months.

Current therapist is one of a kind in our eyes. Three years into this and she still seems just as excited as ever to work with us. Some days we're actually convinced she enjoys working with us. Today was fun talking about where we started, where we are now, and where we hope to be in the future. Since cupcakes and art were involved I was very switchy and little a lot.

Today's art was fun for everyone that participated, but I also think it's going to be really helpful in future therapy sessions. Every part gets to decorate a heart with something that describes them or something they like. There are 20 of us inside, so obviously we're not finished. I think the plan is to use the pieces in therapy to map out how things are inside to show therapist better and to also give a voice to parts who don't/can't vocalize yet. The picture at the top is of the pieces we've made so far. We're actually pretty proud of them, which is a big deal because we don't consider ourselves artists at all. I will admit, therapist made the puppy and we asked her to draw the frog for one of our really little parts. The rest we did though. :)

Hope to create some hand art this weekend for Tempy's site since our creative juices are flowing. Will post it if we do. :)

Am I missing something?

A friend of mine's dad committed suicide yesterday. Am I missing something here? It's been less than a month since my cousin committed suicide, and I know a few other people who have had unsuccessful attempts in the last few months.

I've been there. I understand the feelings of being suicidal. I understand what it even involves to plan and attempt, but I've never seen them come in a rash like this from people who don't even know each other. I don't think I am, but my mind starts to think I must be missing something if so many people around me are seeing suicide as not only a very viable option, but the best option.

Today was a rough day for me, and I've shed a lot of tears. Oddly enough, none of it was trauma related : I had some painful dental work done this morning, got called into my boss's office to discuss my work numbers being too low (this was frustrating b/c I've really been working my tail off lately - I'm not in trouble at work or anything, but it's really hard for us when our work ethic is questioned), and I said bye to my boyfriend for a few days. He's moving to a different base in Afghanistan closer to the action and we won't be able to talk for a few days at least.

This time last year, one of these would have been enough to make me think suicide. Today the thought never crossed my mind. I think I know this is a good thing, but I'm having mixed feelings. Part of me feels guilty that I don't feel so awful that killing myself is the best option and another part of me wonders if my feelings aren't trustworthy since that's not always my automatic response anymore. It goes back to the question: Do other people know something I don't? And then, there is this part of me that is able to be happy. Happy that everyday is not a "filled with thoughts of suicide" day. I question why I get to have these days when some of those closest to me are struggling so much, it takes all of their energy just to stay alive?

I really just need to learn to stop asking questions. Rarely do I get answers to them and they only seem to frustrate me or leave me feeling helpless and confused. I wonder if there's a pill you can take to stop introspection? ;)

Idiotic but laughable move

I guess I was in a hurry or not paying much attention to things while I was getting ready for work this morning because I accidentally took my Klonopin instead of my Prozac. :P For those of you who may not take those meds, they look NOTHING alike. I realized it about 5 minutes after I did it, but it was too late then. Tempy asked me if someone inside didn't "help" me take the wrong med on purpose. It is very possible, but as of now no one is fessing up to it.

I had to go to work. I had meetings all morning. 3 cups of coffee and one Starbucks coffee drink later, I finally gave up. The Klonopin had been in my system for almost 8 hours, and I was still feeling drugged and exhausted, so at 3:30pm I called it a day. I went home and slept for 2 hours and now I'm feeling good. Now that I'm about 3 hours from bedtime. haha.

Not a fun day, but a laughable idiotic mistake. And yes, I am praying it was a mistake and not someone's idea of starting some sort of sabotaging behavior again. I guess we'll find out for sure over the next few days or weeks.

I'm Letting Go - Lyrics

This is one of my newest favorite songs. It's what I'm working towards in my own life right now. Letting go of me and letting God. Letting go of control and trusting that He is greater and knows what is better for me. When I do leave it up to him, I am continually blessed, even if it's several months or years before I can see why his plan is better than mine. Don't plan to start preaching. Just wanted to share b/c oddly I'm finding some freedom in this. The lyrics are below. If you want to hear the song here's a link to a Youtube video someone made: I'm Letting Go

Album: My Paper Heart
Artist: Francesca Battistelli
I'm Letting Go - Lyrics

My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge

Like an acrobat
There’s no turning back

(Chorus)
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone

(Chorus)

Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid

(Chorus)

Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me

Sad and validating at the same time

I spoke to a former college roommate online tonight. She currently lives in a third world country doing missionary work. She was a huge support for me in college b/c she was one of the few people who not only knew about my abuse history and that I was in therapy, but also know about the DID and was really okay with it.

About 18 months ago when she was in the States on furlough we had lunch. She confided in me that over the past year, memories of being abused by a softball coach growing up had begun to surface. During her 3 month furlough, she saw a therapist regularly that was a big believer in EMDR. I don't have anything against EMDR, but for me personally, it has only had disasterous results, so I stay away from it. I know it works great for some people, and that makes me so happy!!! My friend said it had worked for her and she was "healed." She was sharing her story with me b/c she wanted me to find an EMDR therapist or see the therapist she had been seeing b/c she knew I'd been struggling and been in therapy for a long time. I was already seeing current therapist as this time and told her I was not interested, but I appreciated her thinking of me. In her mind, she cared enough about me that she wanted to share something amazing that had really helped her.

I am glad I knew her well enough to know this was her intention, b/c our internal reaction was hurt and anger and frustration. I was angry b/c part of me felt like she was saying the work I'd been doing in therapy for so many years wasn't working or maybe I wasn't trying hard enough. I was skeptical b/c I'm always skeptical when someone thinks they can heal in 3 months with no residual effects. I was also frustrated thinking that what if she was right? What if she got to heal in 3 months of therapy and I was in my 9th year therapy and been hospitalized 5 times? I didn't voice any of this to her b/c in my mind, she just didn't understand what I was really going through or what it was really like. I think I tried to rationalize that her abuse must not have been "real" abuse. Obviously, this rationalization was not true. It was just my way of making things fit.

Well, her feeling "healed" didn't last more than a few months after she returned home and ended therapy. After talking her tonight, it is very clear that she is on the verge of a meltdown/shutdown, easily triggered, and not "healed" by any stretch of the imagination. This makes me sad b/c I love her and I want the best for her. It also makes me sad for her husband and her kids b/c I know it affects them too. They're looking for a way to move back to the States, but I have no idea how far off that actually is.

Is it bad at the same time I feel justified and validated by the fact she was not "healed" in 3 months? That this road is much harder and longer than any of us ever want... that there's not a quick fix? That some part of me is glad she's not better and happily moving on with her life? I am making great progress in therapy, and I am healing, but it's slow change and hard change. I feel so awful that part of me is glad she didn't heal easily and quickly. Still, I do care about her and I hate seeing her in pain at the same time!!!!

Healing is so long and stupid and so unfair!! None of us asked for the initial events that led for us to need therapy and healing in the first place.... Grrr.

Drained

I don't know why I continue to be surprised when I find myself depressed and drained..... like I can't understand where the feelings are coming from. It never fails, when I actually sit down and talk things out, I can find enough small things going on that total up to feel rather overwhelming. Today was one of those days. I was blessed that it was a therapy day b/c I got to talk through a lot of things and get feedback. I like therapy days where I walk out feeling much better than I did going in. It's much better than days where you go in feeling good and walk out feeling horrible.

It's been raining here for days and days. I haven't talked to my boyfriend in a week. I'm really struggling with feeling insecure right now too. Some of it is that I'm having more memories about my time with Dr. M, since I found out she was moving here. Some of it is because some good friends who have been with their therapists longer than I've been with mine are having trust issues with their therapists right now. My mind knows their issues do not reflect my relationship with current therapist, but my feelings and the fear don't agree.

The need to perform perfectly right now in order to gain acceptance is so great. The fear that if I'm not doing the absolute best I can, means those I care about will leave me or hate me keeps me constantly on my toes. It's wearing on me. I don't want to "perform" anymore. I just want to be "me/us" and have that be enough. It never feels like enough though. I asked therapist today if we'll get to a point where just being us feels 'good enough'. She believes we will. To us it feels like one of those lofty out there goals that moves every time you try to reach for it. Like it's a nice goal, but one you can never attain.

How many times do you ask for reassurance? How many times do you "test" someone before you can be sure they love you for who you are - bad with the good? Is that ever possible? Is that even something we can get from someone else or is it one of things we have to find internally and believe before anyone else can give it to us?

Too many questions. So few answers. And so much work to do inbetween.