*Warning* No Spoilers

We've been talking to insurance companies for the past few weeks. Since we're going back to school full time at the end of August, we need to switch from our employer's insurance to an individual plan. What a fucking pain!!! Everyone tells you something different. At first we were told if we stayed with the same company and switched from a group plan to an individual plan, they would wave the 12 month pre-existing condition - meaning my therapy would still be covered.

So, we called today to set up a plan and apply b/c we're about 35 days out from needing an individual plan. Today we got the truth. Not only will they not cover our mental health b/c it is considered pre-existing, but the way they're doing the plans now, Mental health isn't even covered and payable with a co-pay. I have to meet my deductible, then pay 20% of each visit until my insurance company has payed my therapist $1000. After they pay the $1000, I go back to paying 100% of the costs again. Which basically means, I have NO MENTAL HEALTH COVERAGE. What also sucks is they won't pay for my Prozac or Klonopin b/c I'm already taking them and because they're "mental/nervous" drugs. They'll cover my birth control, no problem, but NO psych meds. Can we say mental health discrimination??

I am SO PISSED OFF!!!!!! WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I got messed up as a child mentally, physically, and sexually by an adult. He's not around to pay. So not only am I punished as a child, I'm being punished now! This is fucking rediculous!!!!!! We've been working so hard to get better. We've been 15 months with no IP visits and no major crises. We're decreasing our meds and plan to be off of some by Christmas. We have a full-time job. We contribute to the commuity. We're good citizens. Yet, I can barely get the treatment I need b/c some stupid idiots decide mental health doesn't matter as much as physical health and so they're just not going to cover it.

Someone should have to pay for all of this and it shouldn't have to be me again!!!! I hate him!! I hate insurance!! I hate needing help!! I hate that I'm having feelings other parts are telling me are wrong and bad. Thoughts that I can never act on and really shouldn't even be having at all. Fuck it! Fuck it all! Fuck the whole world!!

This completely sucks! The therapist says we'll work things out. I'm sure she will, but we shouldn't have to!!! We shouldn't have to work anything out. We shouldn't need therapy. We shouldn't need to be a "we". We shouldn't be paying twice for something that some old pervert thought would be fun. We shouldn't be praying some idiotic insurance company will have grace on us and provide us with coverage.

Fuck it! We're screwed.
- Kate

Better, finally!!!

The doctor wasn't joking when she said my stomach virus would probably last 72 hours. It lasted all 72 if not longer. Thankfully, today I'm feeling back to normal. Still need to get my stamina back up, but I'm eating regularly and getting out of the house again. :)

Planning to start up "real" therapy again tomorrow. Should provide for some more interesting blog entries. :-P Looking forward to feeling like we're making noticeable progress again but not looking forward to the horrible feelings that accompany looking at the painful stuff.

All the price you pay to not have to live with it forever, though right?

Catching up

I keep thinking I'm going to get caught up and find the time to get my blog up to date. No luck so far. Even when I'm forced to slow down (like today), I'm too sick to sit up long enough to blog. I'm actually lying in my bed with my computer on my lap waiting for my Klonopin to kick in. I've caught the dreaded stomach virus that's going around, and let me tell you it's a doozy. It's not the kind that makes you slow down, but you can still do things. It's the kind that stops you in your tracks! In fact, it's the kind that says I need to end my blog right now.

For those of you that follow my blog, thanks for your patience with my inconsistencies lately. And for those of you that i follow, I'm still keeping up with you even if I'm not responding.

Take care all.

My poor blog

My poor blog has been neglected recently. I've been so much busier than I ever expected. I had no idea how much work you had to do and how early you had to reserve places and people for a wedding next May. I was amazed to learn how many places we looked at were already booked! No worries though. Everything is coming together. I hope to have things secured by the beginning of next week. Then I can let the wedding plans chill for a few months before I need to pick them up again.

Along with the wedding class I'm taking a 5 week summer class that is consuming a lot of time and still working 40+ hours a week. I don't start school full-time until the end of August, so I'm working up until then. I need the money to help me afford being a full-time student. :D

Still doing pretty well, I think. Things have been so busy, I haven't been the best on checking inside. Still going to therapy though, and my littles had a playdate with therapist on Monday, so I'm doing my best to still give everyone time despite my busy external life schedule.

Hopefully I can start blogging again regularly soon. It's a really great outlet, and sometimes it's nice to get feedback. My paper journal never responds to what I write. Although, I should probably be worried if it did. hee hee.

Awkward place, yet not horrible

I'm finding myself in an awkward place this week. I am happier than I can ever remember being. I'm looking forward to my future, and I'm making future plans that I'm very excited about. At the exact same time, 3 of my closest friends who have really walked through dark places with me, are all inpatient. One has been IP for a month. One was admitted Saturday. And one was admitted to her local hospital 2 days ago and transferred to a hospital with a trauma unit today.

I'm finding myself fighting guilt. Guilt that my life is going better than I ever dreamed it would, and I think I'm happier than I've ever been while 3 of my best friends are in severe pain and struggling to survive and working so hard in therapy. My friends have put no guilt on me and would tell me it's rediculous for me to have any. I know they are all so happy for me that I'm happy right now. Still, I can't help but wonder why me? Why am I being so blessed right now while my friends suffer so greatly?

Selfishly, I have absolutely no desire to trade places with any of my friends right now. Yet somehow that feels wrong too. I think I'm going to add this to my list of things that someone should warn you about when you start feeling better. Still able to be happy, but it just feels awkward.