Today has pretty much sucked. Well, I can't say the whole day has been bad, but the bad things from today have definitely outweighed the good.
Last night I dreamt I was raped twice by a male friend that I actually truly trust. We've been friends for 12 years, and he's married to one of my best friends. He's more of a big brother to me, and has never been anything but gracious to me. Why in the heck would I have this dream??? And why am I dreaming about being hurt as an adult by one of the few people in my life I really do trust? Nothing in this realm has happened to me since this body grew up, and the man in my dream has never been remotely inappropriate towards me. So why?????? And why does it have to be one of those dreams I can't shake no matter how hard I try? Randomly I briefly spoke to my friend (the wife of the man in my nightmare last night) on the phone tonight, and I felt so awkward. I felt ashamed and like I had something to hide or owed her an apology. grrr...
Then I found out this afternoon that my grandmother has cancer again and we know for sure it's in her liver. She has to have more tests to find out if it's anywhere else as well, but it doesn't look good. She's had cancer before and has said she won't do chemo again. So I wonder, did my grandmother basically just get her death sentence today? Obviously finding out she has cancer today, doesn't change how fast or slow the cancer has been growing, but it's been nice living in denial this past week, letting myself think she had gallbladder issues.
I hope I get tired soon. I just want today to be over. Maybe if I sleep well tonight, I can have a better perspective on things tomorrow. Right now it just feels like everything sucks.... even though I know this is not true.... this is still how I feel.
Blah.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Emotional Blockade
I realize I haven't blogged in about a month. That wasn't my intention. Therapist has suggested that I make more effort to journal with a paper and pen (like I used to do faithfully). It seems I am more free flowing in my writing when it's in a journal versus on my blog. I guess whether I mean to or not, I do censor myself in this type of forum. Anonymity just doesn't equate total secrecy (meaning no one sees what I write unless I choose to share it with therapist). I'm not planning to abandon my blog. I'm just learning that keeping up a journal and a blog isn't so easy for me, so posts my be sporadic until I get a better hang of things.
So lately I've noticed that I'm rather emotionally blunted. I'm crying less than usual (for me), and I've not had strong emotions towards things that should have evoked strong emotions in me. Granted, I may still be more emotional than many people out there, but it is much, much less for me. In some ways I'm feeling sort of numb, but I'm not really sure why.
A couple of examples:
1. Last weekend I walked the Overnight walk in NYC with Tempy and her brother. It was a walk to raise money for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They work to provide resources for those feeling suicidal and to family members who have lost someone to suicide. It was 18 miles of walking that left me exhausted and sore. I'm pretty sure all 2000 walk participants had lost someone to suicide or had struggled with it themselves. The emotional energy that night was high. I could feel it all around me. Other than a few tears during an emotional speech by a participant at the beginning, I mostly felt nothing the entire evening. In fact, what I felt most was the blisters that formed on my feet about 9 miles into the walk... physical pain - of course. I mean, it is way easier to deal with than emotional pain. I hated that I couldn't be in the moment more for Tempy. After all, we met b/c a mutual friend of ours committed suicide in 2004. I've lost another friend, a cousin, and struggled myself with suicide, yet I couldn't tap into any of those feelings. I wanted to be in the moment that night. Instead, I could have easily been walking 18 miles to say "I love dogs." I believe so much in the Overnight Walk, and it's so frustrating to not have been able to be emotionally present during the event for myself and for Tempy.
2. My grandmother is in the hospital. She admitted to me yesterday that she's been feeling bad for several weeks, but she hadn't said anything prior to our trip to the beach b/c she wanted to make sure she got to go on the vacation. She's afraid it may be her last, and she didn't want to miss it. I got a text from my mother this morning saying that my grandmother was in the E.R. and they were running tests. I don't know anything past this, but she's already beat cancer once, so I don't know how lightly we can take illnesses these days. Normally, I would be so concerned and tearful. Instead, while I am concerned, I'm feeling nothing. I've spent the majority of the day hanging out with friends, laughing, carrying on as normal.
I have therapy tomorrow for the first time in 2 weeks (courtesy of all of my travels). I plan to discuss this situation with her tomorrow. I'm not sure why I am so disconnected, but I know I totally am. On the other hand, numbing doesn't feel terrible at all. I like my emotions not really getting in the way. However, I am realizing that it leaves me not always responding correctly in certain situations b/c I don't have an emotional guide.
I'm not trying to figure this out now. it just seemed important to note what's going on.
So lately I've noticed that I'm rather emotionally blunted. I'm crying less than usual (for me), and I've not had strong emotions towards things that should have evoked strong emotions in me. Granted, I may still be more emotional than many people out there, but it is much, much less for me. In some ways I'm feeling sort of numb, but I'm not really sure why.
A couple of examples:
1. Last weekend I walked the Overnight walk in NYC with Tempy and her brother. It was a walk to raise money for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They work to provide resources for those feeling suicidal and to family members who have lost someone to suicide. It was 18 miles of walking that left me exhausted and sore. I'm pretty sure all 2000 walk participants had lost someone to suicide or had struggled with it themselves. The emotional energy that night was high. I could feel it all around me. Other than a few tears during an emotional speech by a participant at the beginning, I mostly felt nothing the entire evening. In fact, what I felt most was the blisters that formed on my feet about 9 miles into the walk... physical pain - of course. I mean, it is way easier to deal with than emotional pain. I hated that I couldn't be in the moment more for Tempy. After all, we met b/c a mutual friend of ours committed suicide in 2004. I've lost another friend, a cousin, and struggled myself with suicide, yet I couldn't tap into any of those feelings. I wanted to be in the moment that night. Instead, I could have easily been walking 18 miles to say "I love dogs." I believe so much in the Overnight Walk, and it's so frustrating to not have been able to be emotionally present during the event for myself and for Tempy.
2. My grandmother is in the hospital. She admitted to me yesterday that she's been feeling bad for several weeks, but she hadn't said anything prior to our trip to the beach b/c she wanted to make sure she got to go on the vacation. She's afraid it may be her last, and she didn't want to miss it. I got a text from my mother this morning saying that my grandmother was in the E.R. and they were running tests. I don't know anything past this, but she's already beat cancer once, so I don't know how lightly we can take illnesses these days. Normally, I would be so concerned and tearful. Instead, while I am concerned, I'm feeling nothing. I've spent the majority of the day hanging out with friends, laughing, carrying on as normal.
I have therapy tomorrow for the first time in 2 weeks (courtesy of all of my travels). I plan to discuss this situation with her tomorrow. I'm not sure why I am so disconnected, but I know I totally am. On the other hand, numbing doesn't feel terrible at all. I like my emotions not really getting in the way. However, I am realizing that it leaves me not always responding correctly in certain situations b/c I don't have an emotional guide.
I'm not trying to figure this out now. it just seemed important to note what's going on.
Monday, May 16, 2011
5 Year Anniversary!!
5 years ago today I walked into therapist's office for the very first time feeling discouraged, defeated, but not completely without fight. I didn't really believe therapist could help me, but I knew finding a therapist was my only hope at survival at the time. If I couldn't find a therapist, I truly felt that my symptoms would kill me... and in all honesty, there's a very good chance they would have.
Therapist has been amazing from the beginning. She hasn't always been an expert on DID, but she read and learned and talked to people who had worked with DID and trauma longer. She grew professionally as I grew to trust her. In the beginning I was convinced that she was too naive to know that I would be too much for her, and it would only be a matter of time before she came to that realization herself. No other therapist had been able to stick it out with me, and I knew I hadn't even hit the worst of it yet. PRAISE GOD SHE PROVED ME WRONG!!!!! She has walked through more fires with me than all of my other therapists combined and never once hinted about needing to refer me on to someone else. She never once suggested that maybe she couldn't help me... even on days that neither one of us were quite sure what the best move would be. This commitment on her end was what I needed more than anything. Truly knowing that she was walking this road with me no matter how many road blocks, dead ends, and mountains we hit. See, we finally have this person in our life who knows our deepest, darkest secrets, who has put up with tests, games, and gazillions of questions trying to push her away before we got too attached, and still cares about us and even likes us! My brain says this shouldn't be possible for me, but she's proved it year after year after year.
Today we celebrated 5 years with cupcakes and milk! Every now and then it's nice to take a session to reflect on the journey we've been on together. Today I walked into her office, sat in my spot on the couch, and embraced the safety and comfort that her office has come to provide.... so different than our first meeting 5 years ago. I asked her why she returned my initial call and agreed to meet with me regularly when so many other therapists never returned my calls, refused to meet me b/c of my diagnoses, or bailed after a few sessions. Her response: "You sounded like you really wanted and needed the help." This is my paraphrase of her words, but I was amazed that her response was that simple. I needed help, so she wanted to help. I'm sure her decision making process was more complex than that, but bottom line is that she didn't see my desperate cries for help as a turn off. She wasn't afraid of my diagnoses. And she was up for an awesome challenge, that I truly believe has benefited both of us over the past 5 years.
Therapist is a true gift from God. I pray that every one in therapy can have such an amazing therapist. For those of you who are having trouble finding a good one, DON'T GIVE UP!!! Good therapists are hard to find, but it is so worth the effort and the search. We've seen infinite more healing in the past 5 years than we did during the years prior to that. I know we've done the work, but I know there is no way we could have done it without therapist's support and help.
So... Happy 5 years together Therapist!!!!! Thank you for believing in me... in all of us...
Therapist has been amazing from the beginning. She hasn't always been an expert on DID, but she read and learned and talked to people who had worked with DID and trauma longer. She grew professionally as I grew to trust her. In the beginning I was convinced that she was too naive to know that I would be too much for her, and it would only be a matter of time before she came to that realization herself. No other therapist had been able to stick it out with me, and I knew I hadn't even hit the worst of it yet. PRAISE GOD SHE PROVED ME WRONG!!!!! She has walked through more fires with me than all of my other therapists combined and never once hinted about needing to refer me on to someone else. She never once suggested that maybe she couldn't help me... even on days that neither one of us were quite sure what the best move would be. This commitment on her end was what I needed more than anything. Truly knowing that she was walking this road with me no matter how many road blocks, dead ends, and mountains we hit. See, we finally have this person in our life who knows our deepest, darkest secrets, who has put up with tests, games, and gazillions of questions trying to push her away before we got too attached, and still cares about us and even likes us! My brain says this shouldn't be possible for me, but she's proved it year after year after year.
Today we celebrated 5 years with cupcakes and milk! Every now and then it's nice to take a session to reflect on the journey we've been on together. Today I walked into her office, sat in my spot on the couch, and embraced the safety and comfort that her office has come to provide.... so different than our first meeting 5 years ago. I asked her why she returned my initial call and agreed to meet with me regularly when so many other therapists never returned my calls, refused to meet me b/c of my diagnoses, or bailed after a few sessions. Her response: "You sounded like you really wanted and needed the help." This is my paraphrase of her words, but I was amazed that her response was that simple. I needed help, so she wanted to help. I'm sure her decision making process was more complex than that, but bottom line is that she didn't see my desperate cries for help as a turn off. She wasn't afraid of my diagnoses. And she was up for an awesome challenge, that I truly believe has benefited both of us over the past 5 years.
Therapist is a true gift from God. I pray that every one in therapy can have such an amazing therapist. For those of you who are having trouble finding a good one, DON'T GIVE UP!!! Good therapists are hard to find, but it is so worth the effort and the search. We've seen infinite more healing in the past 5 years than we did during the years prior to that. I know we've done the work, but I know there is no way we could have done it without therapist's support and help.
So... Happy 5 years together Therapist!!!!! Thank you for believing in me... in all of us...
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Still Plugging Along
Just wanted to say that I'm still plugging along. Had 2 therapy sessions this week. Both were intense but both were helpful. It's good to be informed and to be getting information from parts again, but there's a lot to digest too.
Yesterday I confessed my fear to my therapist of one day disappearing and not being forward and running my life as our healing process continues. I fear that as healing takes place, if we get closer to the core and as she heals, that she will take back over, and I won't be 'needed' anymore. I feel more than ever like I'm doing a 'job' instead of 'living my life'. I know this life is all of ours, but because I've been the one forward 99% of the time for as long as I can remember, it has felt like mine that I'm sharing with others. Now it kinda feels like I'm running this life for someone else and that I'll have to give it up at some point. Therapist says I'm jumping the gun. The core may never want to be forward, and we have tons of work to do before we even consider that. She also tried to reassure me that this life is still as much mine now as it was before I had this current information. I think my head agrees with this, but my heart is struggling to catch up.
Two of my best and dearest friends are coming into town this weekend. I am sooooooooo excited!!!!!!! These ladies understand me better than anyone in the world, and we're just gonna hang out, catch up, laugh a lot, cry if we need to, probably eat some yummy food, and whatever else we feel like doing all weekend. I think it's a much needed fun spot for all of us right now, but I feel so blessed that they're both hopping on planes and coming to me!
Despite all of my current internal struggles, I feel I am so blessed. As I type this, I'm sitting in my grandmother's hospital room. She's been sick off and on since November. Right now she's working to recover from double pneumonia. She's sleeping and my grandfather is in another chair in the room asleep too. They're snoring in unison, and I can't help but smile. I don't know how much longer I'll be blessed to have them in my life, so these little moments are sweet (even if they do take place in a hospital). They have taught me so much about love, family, and faith. The lessons they've taught me and passed on to my dad that he showed me, I know for sure have been a major factor into why so much of my life is "healthy and normal" despite all of the years of childhood abuse (by a neighbor) and the PTSD, DID, Major Depression, and any other diagnoses doctors may have labeled me with. I just pray that I do them justice passing on this love and these lessons to my own family one day. I want them to be as proud of me as I am to tell people that I'm their granddaughter.
Bittersweet moments all intermingled. I guess that does make my life pretty normal after all. :)
Yesterday I confessed my fear to my therapist of one day disappearing and not being forward and running my life as our healing process continues. I fear that as healing takes place, if we get closer to the core and as she heals, that she will take back over, and I won't be 'needed' anymore. I feel more than ever like I'm doing a 'job' instead of 'living my life'. I know this life is all of ours, but because I've been the one forward 99% of the time for as long as I can remember, it has felt like mine that I'm sharing with others. Now it kinda feels like I'm running this life for someone else and that I'll have to give it up at some point. Therapist says I'm jumping the gun. The core may never want to be forward, and we have tons of work to do before we even consider that. She also tried to reassure me that this life is still as much mine now as it was before I had this current information. I think my head agrees with this, but my heart is struggling to catch up.
Two of my best and dearest friends are coming into town this weekend. I am sooooooooo excited!!!!!!! These ladies understand me better than anyone in the world, and we're just gonna hang out, catch up, laugh a lot, cry if we need to, probably eat some yummy food, and whatever else we feel like doing all weekend. I think it's a much needed fun spot for all of us right now, but I feel so blessed that they're both hopping on planes and coming to me!
Despite all of my current internal struggles, I feel I am so blessed. As I type this, I'm sitting in my grandmother's hospital room. She's been sick off and on since November. Right now she's working to recover from double pneumonia. She's sleeping and my grandfather is in another chair in the room asleep too. They're snoring in unison, and I can't help but smile. I don't know how much longer I'll be blessed to have them in my life, so these little moments are sweet (even if they do take place in a hospital). They have taught me so much about love, family, and faith. The lessons they've taught me and passed on to my dad that he showed me, I know for sure have been a major factor into why so much of my life is "healthy and normal" despite all of the years of childhood abuse (by a neighbor) and the PTSD, DID, Major Depression, and any other diagnoses doctors may have labeled me with. I just pray that I do them justice passing on this love and these lessons to my own family one day. I want them to be as proud of me as I am to tell people that I'm their granddaughter.
Bittersweet moments all intermingled. I guess that does make my life pretty normal after all. :)
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Update
So, I've wanted to blog since Wednesday, but time and my mental state haven't allowed for it. I feel I should tell you up front that emotions may not be conveyed strongly in this post because I am feeling rather removed from all events at the moment, but I assure you they are there, and I fully expect them to be addressed in therapy on Monday. For now, numbing and distancing seem to be working well for coping skills, and since I'm spending the weekend with a TON of family, I'm not objecting. It's not the best time to have any sort of an emotional breakdown. Too many people, and I'd have to do too much explaining. A loving family is FANTASTIC! I wouldn't trade it for anything, but a downfall is the fact that everyone cares about you so much that tears require more of an explanation than they might in another setting.
So, this past Wednesday sort of felt like our most recent D-Day. We had a 2 hour session scheduled with therapist so we could hopefully get through some walls and figure out what was going on internally over the past month that caused parts to feel the need to put up a stone wall cutting off all communication. Our session turned into a 2.5 hour session, and while we gained a ton of information, it was incredibly draining. I got home around 1 in the afternoon and slept til almost 6pm... just trying to recover.
Brief rundown of what I learned:
1. There really is a core inside, and I am not it. I've known deep down for a very long time that I was not the core, but I always still hoped I was. I have the birth name and I've managed all of our external relationships for the past 20 years. This life is mostly the one I've built for us. So, while I've always known I was not the one who was "born", I guess I always hoped I was b/c it made my identity easier to establish. While this doesn't necessarily change anything in the way I live my life now, it has led me to do some identity questioning, and there's a lot of sadness I'm not tapping into right now over this. I figure this is pretty normal for anyone who's been in my situation though, so while it's not fun, I'm not too worried about it.
2. I met a new part who calls herself the Gatekeeper (really hoping she'll pick a normal name soon). Apparently it has been her job all of these years to keep the core safe from any more hurt or damage. This girl is tough. She's not letting anyone through. She's the one who put up the wall in the first place b/c she decided A. had been talking too much to therapist and was sharing too much information. I guess the rationale is that the more information is shared, the closer therapist will get to the core, and that is not acceptable to the Gatekeeper.
So, obviously there was more leading up to that, but that's the gist of what went down on Wednesday. We ended with therapist promising not to actively push to reach the core and the Gatekeeper agreeing to not immediately put the wall back up. So, my head feels more "normal" again, but it's still reeling from more new stuff than I know how to process yet.. hence the numbness.
For me, the scariest part right now is remembering how strong A. was before therapist broke through to her. If A. was the first line of defense before the Gatekeeper, it is scary how much energy and power this part may have and may use if she feels threatened.
Guess all I can do for right now though is try and enjoy my Easter weekend, and bring all of my thoughts and concerns to therapist on Monday. It's scarier than I care to experience, but I am relieved to finally know what's going on inside.
So, anyways, there's my update from the past week.
So, this past Wednesday sort of felt like our most recent D-Day. We had a 2 hour session scheduled with therapist so we could hopefully get through some walls and figure out what was going on internally over the past month that caused parts to feel the need to put up a stone wall cutting off all communication. Our session turned into a 2.5 hour session, and while we gained a ton of information, it was incredibly draining. I got home around 1 in the afternoon and slept til almost 6pm... just trying to recover.
Brief rundown of what I learned:
1. There really is a core inside, and I am not it. I've known deep down for a very long time that I was not the core, but I always still hoped I was. I have the birth name and I've managed all of our external relationships for the past 20 years. This life is mostly the one I've built for us. So, while I've always known I was not the one who was "born", I guess I always hoped I was b/c it made my identity easier to establish. While this doesn't necessarily change anything in the way I live my life now, it has led me to do some identity questioning, and there's a lot of sadness I'm not tapping into right now over this. I figure this is pretty normal for anyone who's been in my situation though, so while it's not fun, I'm not too worried about it.
2. I met a new part who calls herself the Gatekeeper (really hoping she'll pick a normal name soon). Apparently it has been her job all of these years to keep the core safe from any more hurt or damage. This girl is tough. She's not letting anyone through. She's the one who put up the wall in the first place b/c she decided A. had been talking too much to therapist and was sharing too much information. I guess the rationale is that the more information is shared, the closer therapist will get to the core, and that is not acceptable to the Gatekeeper.
So, obviously there was more leading up to that, but that's the gist of what went down on Wednesday. We ended with therapist promising not to actively push to reach the core and the Gatekeeper agreeing to not immediately put the wall back up. So, my head feels more "normal" again, but it's still reeling from more new stuff than I know how to process yet.. hence the numbness.
For me, the scariest part right now is remembering how strong A. was before therapist broke through to her. If A. was the first line of defense before the Gatekeeper, it is scary how much energy and power this part may have and may use if she feels threatened.
Guess all I can do for right now though is try and enjoy my Easter weekend, and bring all of my thoughts and concerns to therapist on Monday. It's scarier than I care to experience, but I am relieved to finally know what's going on inside.
So, anyways, there's my update from the past week.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Words
I need words that I don't have.
I am having intense, almost overwhelming feelings, yet I have no idea how to express them. Therapist just asked me if I wanted/needed to talk. I turned her down, because I have no idea what to say. I would LOVE to talk to her, but that's just the problem, I don't have the words. Sitting on the phone with her, just sitting there doesn't really help her know better how to help me.
The only words I have found are that I am struck with an intense anxiety. The kind that has your stomach doing flips constantly. In the past, I would have easily popped an Ativan or a Xanax by now. I don't have a Rx for either one of those anymore, and as much as I'd like the help, I'm glad. I worked so hard to get off those meds, and I haven't needed them in so long. I DO NOT want to go back on them. I gotta find another way to stick this out. The anxiety has been waxing and waning for the past few weeks, but on Thursday morning it hit, and hasn't left.
I haven't let the anxiety stop me from doing anything. Although, I will admit all that I want to do is curl up under a blanket and hide from the world. I'm still making myself get out and do things. I'm not giving into this, but it's getting harder.
The most frustrating part is that I have no idea who internally or what is causing this intense anxiety. It's hard to work on making it better when no one will tell you what the issue is. Having intense feelings and having no idea why you're having them is the worst! It makes me feel so stuck.
So yeah, I can vocalize this part, but this is all the words I have. So, as much as I would love to talk to Therapist right now, I'm not sure there's anything she can do. Plus, it's Saturday. No reason to tie her up sitting on the phone with me. She should at least get to enjoy her day, right?
I've been praying for God to take this away, but He hasn't yet. I do trust that His plan is bigger than mine, but this is still oh so hard! So, all I know to do in the meantime is just to sit with it.
Man this sucks!
I am having intense, almost overwhelming feelings, yet I have no idea how to express them. Therapist just asked me if I wanted/needed to talk. I turned her down, because I have no idea what to say. I would LOVE to talk to her, but that's just the problem, I don't have the words. Sitting on the phone with her, just sitting there doesn't really help her know better how to help me.
The only words I have found are that I am struck with an intense anxiety. The kind that has your stomach doing flips constantly. In the past, I would have easily popped an Ativan or a Xanax by now. I don't have a Rx for either one of those anymore, and as much as I'd like the help, I'm glad. I worked so hard to get off those meds, and I haven't needed them in so long. I DO NOT want to go back on them. I gotta find another way to stick this out. The anxiety has been waxing and waning for the past few weeks, but on Thursday morning it hit, and hasn't left.
I haven't let the anxiety stop me from doing anything. Although, I will admit all that I want to do is curl up under a blanket and hide from the world. I'm still making myself get out and do things. I'm not giving into this, but it's getting harder.
The most frustrating part is that I have no idea who internally or what is causing this intense anxiety. It's hard to work on making it better when no one will tell you what the issue is. Having intense feelings and having no idea why you're having them is the worst! It makes me feel so stuck.
So yeah, I can vocalize this part, but this is all the words I have. So, as much as I would love to talk to Therapist right now, I'm not sure there's anything she can do. Plus, it's Saturday. No reason to tie her up sitting on the phone with me. She should at least get to enjoy her day, right?
I've been praying for God to take this away, but He hasn't yet. I do trust that His plan is bigger than mine, but this is still oh so hard! So, all I know to do in the meantime is just to sit with it.
Man this sucks!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
A little shakey
Can't place my finger on what's going on inside of me, but I know I'm feeling a little shaky. It's almost like being on an emotional roller coaster ride again, but it's not quite as intense and it seems to be affecting me more than just emotionally.
One minute I am doing well. Another I am in tears. And another I'm almost literally shaking and questioning myself on everything. And then I'll get back to a place where everything feels like it's going pretty well and I'm doing pretty good again. The rapid changes and unpredictability are getting old quickly. I'm just feeling unstable even though I don't know exactly why and it's hard to explain.
I know there's some stuff going on inside that's creating an undercurrent of these feelings, but I believe the intensity is rising. Today in therapy I was talking to therapist, and she asked me a few different times how I really was doing. I kept saying okay b/c at the time I felt a lot better than I did when we talked on Monday and b/c I don't even have the words to explain well what I feel and what's going on. I did wonder why therapist kept asking me. I'm not used to her doing that. I guess b/c I usually fear that if I don't find a way to come right out and tell her everything I'm thinking and feeling, then she'll never know anything is going on. On some level I'm sure this is very true. However, I guess, working together for the past 5 years gives her a window into me than many others can't see. She could tell from my eyes today that there was more stuff going on than what I was sharing, and she actually put words to some of it better than I'd been able to.
I am so glad to know that I don't have to do any of this alone. I have a therapist right there to help me through this, and I have a loving God who is with me 24/7 reminding me that even when I feel utterly unstable, He is forever stable and I rest in His arms. That's a hope and peace I plan to do my best to cling to during a time period when I feel very unstable.
One minute I am doing well. Another I am in tears. And another I'm almost literally shaking and questioning myself on everything. And then I'll get back to a place where everything feels like it's going pretty well and I'm doing pretty good again. The rapid changes and unpredictability are getting old quickly. I'm just feeling unstable even though I don't know exactly why and it's hard to explain.
I know there's some stuff going on inside that's creating an undercurrent of these feelings, but I believe the intensity is rising. Today in therapy I was talking to therapist, and she asked me a few different times how I really was doing. I kept saying okay b/c at the time I felt a lot better than I did when we talked on Monday and b/c I don't even have the words to explain well what I feel and what's going on. I did wonder why therapist kept asking me. I'm not used to her doing that. I guess b/c I usually fear that if I don't find a way to come right out and tell her everything I'm thinking and feeling, then she'll never know anything is going on. On some level I'm sure this is very true. However, I guess, working together for the past 5 years gives her a window into me than many others can't see. She could tell from my eyes today that there was more stuff going on than what I was sharing, and she actually put words to some of it better than I'd been able to.
I am so glad to know that I don't have to do any of this alone. I have a therapist right there to help me through this, and I have a loving God who is with me 24/7 reminding me that even when I feel utterly unstable, He is forever stable and I rest in His arms. That's a hope and peace I plan to do my best to cling to during a time period when I feel very unstable.
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