I don't have a ton of time right now, and I also think I'm probably not in the best frame of mind to blog right now because it will probably come out as a rant and rave... more than just a vent. I'm likely to type and publish things now that I will regret later b/c I am so angry.
More than anything, I just felt it important to blog that I AM ANGRY. Anger is a feeling most of us inside have always avoided at all costs. It's a scary feeling. It's an uncomfortable feeling. There is nothing about it I like. Many time in my life, anger was not displayed appropriately, and I think only recently am I/are we learning how anger can be felt and expressed in a healthy manner.
Some of the things I am angry about, I have every right to be angry about. I do not think I am overreacting in the least. Other things I am angry about, by themselves, would not warrant this strong of a feeling, but right now they're piggy-backing on top of the other things that are making angry.... like adding more fuel to the fire.
While I am controlling myself, externally, things feel out of control internally. There's this boiling feeling in my stomach, and I have a feeling similar to indigestion in my chest. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, and I have more energy in my arms than I know what to do with. I want to lash out at someone, but I know that won't make me feel any better.
In fact, I'm so afraid of saying something I'll regret, I can't even blog about the things that have me so upset right now. All I can do is blog about my experience of feeling anger. I have therapy in 30 minutes and I'm praying it will help me sort some stuff out, so they at least won't feel so out of control inside.
I also want to tease things out so that I do take action on the things I need to, but that I do so in an appropriate way, and in a way that helps the situation and doesn't just release the feelings welling up inside of me.
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *Silent screams* for now at least...
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Still breathing
This past week has been one for the birds!! If it could go wrong, it has gone wrong. God is faithful and He is meeting all my needs. But I am emotionally drained, physically tired, and just want my husband home. I want life to slow down, I want a time-out. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to deal with the stupid management company. I want to call my therapist and continue to process this week. But I just talked to her this morning.. Besides, it's way too late to call her for a non-crisis situation. I just feel crappy. I need a vacation.
I need sleep. I should go to bed.
I need sleep. I should go to bed.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Why Gray is Better than Really Bad
Over the past week, I've received a couple of not so subtle reminders that the "gray" space I've been living in really is better than where I used to be. Gray is hard and uncomfortable, and I feel confused a lot. But most days it's not gut-wrenching, turn my stomach inside out, uncontrollable tears, depression, etc.
This past week I've been experiencing some of those feelings from a really bad place. They're not so bad I'm considering self-injuring or anything like that, but they are definitely worse than anything I have felt for awhile and they continue on going and dull - even when I get really distracted.
My hubby left Thursday morning for a 10 day pre-deployment trip to Afghanistan. I'm praying it's only 10 days anyways. Saying good-bye to him when he's going into a war zone is so much harder than saying good-bye to him when he's going to training. That evening I picked up a dear friend of mine who had the whole bottom fall out from under her this week. I feel so blessed to have her here with me a bit and do what I can to help. She is not draining on me because of anything she is or is not doing, but I care about her so much that I'm drained emotionally regarding all of my feelings about her situation - none of which are her fault. Her situation, while very different, has been a strong reminder to me of Dr. M's abandonment of me almost 7 years ago. I thought I had dealt with most of our feelings around that event, and most of the time I never think about it all. Now I find myself partially reliving those feelings I had with her and then wanting to transfer my feelings onto those who have unintentionally hurt my friend so deeply.
In addition, Saturday I met with the company who is managing my husband's rental property and it was a disaster. This company is so incompetent. What good does it do to have a management company if you have to manage the management company? It's totally stuff I can handle, but now is really not the time to have to fool with this mess too. I really would like to scream and run and hide until all of this blows over.
I know I say this a lot lately, but praise God for my therapist. I haven't talked to her since Thursday, but just knowing that she is there and that she is my anchor through all of this really helps. I know I can go into her office tomorrow evening and cry about all of this - my husband, my friend, my feelings, and I don't have to guard anything I say for fear of offending someone or being misunderstood.
It's amazing how much you remember yet forget when you don't feel in crisis mode all of the time anymore. I forgot just exactly how hard it was to concentrate. I forgot what it's like to use every ounce of energy to be where you're supposed to be when all you really want to do is crawl up in a ball and cry and sleep.
I wouldn't have my friend anywhere else in the world than here with me right now. I am so honored to be able to offer her whatever support I can. I think I finally understand what it's like to have someone you love so much hurt sooo deeply. It hurts you really deeply too and you feel helpless b/c there's only so much you can do to help the other person. I do wish my husband was here to be a rock for me, but I have God and he is bigger than all of these situations.
Who know I'd ever write that I think I might prefer the gray after these past several days?? Think I'm going to count this as progress.
This past week I've been experiencing some of those feelings from a really bad place. They're not so bad I'm considering self-injuring or anything like that, but they are definitely worse than anything I have felt for awhile and they continue on going and dull - even when I get really distracted.
My hubby left Thursday morning for a 10 day pre-deployment trip to Afghanistan. I'm praying it's only 10 days anyways. Saying good-bye to him when he's going into a war zone is so much harder than saying good-bye to him when he's going to training. That evening I picked up a dear friend of mine who had the whole bottom fall out from under her this week. I feel so blessed to have her here with me a bit and do what I can to help. She is not draining on me because of anything she is or is not doing, but I care about her so much that I'm drained emotionally regarding all of my feelings about her situation - none of which are her fault. Her situation, while very different, has been a strong reminder to me of Dr. M's abandonment of me almost 7 years ago. I thought I had dealt with most of our feelings around that event, and most of the time I never think about it all. Now I find myself partially reliving those feelings I had with her and then wanting to transfer my feelings onto those who have unintentionally hurt my friend so deeply.
In addition, Saturday I met with the company who is managing my husband's rental property and it was a disaster. This company is so incompetent. What good does it do to have a management company if you have to manage the management company? It's totally stuff I can handle, but now is really not the time to have to fool with this mess too. I really would like to scream and run and hide until all of this blows over.
I know I say this a lot lately, but praise God for my therapist. I haven't talked to her since Thursday, but just knowing that she is there and that she is my anchor through all of this really helps. I know I can go into her office tomorrow evening and cry about all of this - my husband, my friend, my feelings, and I don't have to guard anything I say for fear of offending someone or being misunderstood.
It's amazing how much you remember yet forget when you don't feel in crisis mode all of the time anymore. I forgot just exactly how hard it was to concentrate. I forgot what it's like to use every ounce of energy to be where you're supposed to be when all you really want to do is crawl up in a ball and cry and sleep.
I wouldn't have my friend anywhere else in the world than here with me right now. I am so honored to be able to offer her whatever support I can. I think I finally understand what it's like to have someone you love so much hurt sooo deeply. It hurts you really deeply too and you feel helpless b/c there's only so much you can do to help the other person. I do wish my husband was here to be a rock for me, but I have God and he is bigger than all of these situations.
Who know I'd ever write that I think I might prefer the gray after these past several days?? Think I'm going to count this as progress.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
More Gray
This week the "gray" that we're trying to navigate invaded our feelings regarding our relationship with therapist. Not because she changed in any way, but because we are still grossly insecure in apparently the most secure relationships.
With every therapist we've ever had (minus inpatient ones), we've always been the therapist's most acute client. We've been the client in crisis all of the time, the one needing the most help outside of sessions, etc. These are not things we're so much proud of, but they have been definite identifiers that, in our mind, caused us to stick out to our therapists. Sometimes it's meant we got extra attention from the therapist and sometimes it's meant the therapist has dropped us b/c we were "too much to handle." It has never been a fun or pleasant place to be, but no matter what the situation, it was easy to see that our therapist could not just consider us "another client", "another paycheck", another "hour blocked off on the calendar". In a morbid sort of way this acuity made us feel special and noticed.
We've been with current therapist for almost 4 1/2 years. She's seen us at our worst and she's seen us at our best (so far). She has been unwavering in her commitment to us and care for us. She truly has been a gift straight from God in our lives. Still we found ourselves in a panic this week full of fear that we would begin to disappear off her radar since we weren't acute anymore. We feared being "replaced" by a new client that may come in who was more acute or more needy than us. It seems despite everything she has done for us, we still look at things as though she is only helping us b/c we're broken. And we are far from well, but we're mending. So, if we're not completely broken, will she still want to put the same effort and care into us? It's as though there is a wall that prevents us from seeing that she cares about us and helps us just b/c we are and not based on how bad we are. It is so hard to believe that she will stick with us as long as we want her to b/c she wants to b/c she cares about us as a human and a person.
Someone inside asked her why she was so good to us tonight. Why she doesn't think about leaving us? Everyone else in her position has always bailed when they've had the chance. How can she know so much about us and still want to be around us? She doesn't have to now b/c we're not in a life or death place anymore. Yet she's choosing to stay.
She is a saint b/c in therapy today she had to reassure us over and over again that she wasn't going anywhere. That we don't lose our importance or significance in her life b/c we're no longer acute or always in crisis. She is being so incredibly patient as we fumble around and try to figure out how we fit in this world and into therapy as we are now...... not constantly in crisis and not free from PTSD triggers and all the like associated with trauma.
Have I mentioned lately that I hate gray?? Black and white may be painful but it makes sense and is easy to understand. The vast grayness that lies between despair and "better" is not life threatening but brings with it it's own pains and struggles and anxieties. Most days I am keenly aware that it is a much better place than where we were, but other days (more than not lately) I just feel so lost and like I'm stumbling around in the dark hoping I'm still going in the right direction.
Praise God that I'm not on this journey alone!!!
With every therapist we've ever had (minus inpatient ones), we've always been the therapist's most acute client. We've been the client in crisis all of the time, the one needing the most help outside of sessions, etc. These are not things we're so much proud of, but they have been definite identifiers that, in our mind, caused us to stick out to our therapists. Sometimes it's meant we got extra attention from the therapist and sometimes it's meant the therapist has dropped us b/c we were "too much to handle." It has never been a fun or pleasant place to be, but no matter what the situation, it was easy to see that our therapist could not just consider us "another client", "another paycheck", another "hour blocked off on the calendar". In a morbid sort of way this acuity made us feel special and noticed.
We've been with current therapist for almost 4 1/2 years. She's seen us at our worst and she's seen us at our best (so far). She has been unwavering in her commitment to us and care for us. She truly has been a gift straight from God in our lives. Still we found ourselves in a panic this week full of fear that we would begin to disappear off her radar since we weren't acute anymore. We feared being "replaced" by a new client that may come in who was more acute or more needy than us. It seems despite everything she has done for us, we still look at things as though she is only helping us b/c we're broken. And we are far from well, but we're mending. So, if we're not completely broken, will she still want to put the same effort and care into us? It's as though there is a wall that prevents us from seeing that she cares about us and helps us just b/c we are and not based on how bad we are. It is so hard to believe that she will stick with us as long as we want her to b/c she wants to b/c she cares about us as a human and a person.
Someone inside asked her why she was so good to us tonight. Why she doesn't think about leaving us? Everyone else in her position has always bailed when they've had the chance. How can she know so much about us and still want to be around us? She doesn't have to now b/c we're not in a life or death place anymore. Yet she's choosing to stay.
She is a saint b/c in therapy today she had to reassure us over and over again that she wasn't going anywhere. That we don't lose our importance or significance in her life b/c we're no longer acute or always in crisis. She is being so incredibly patient as we fumble around and try to figure out how we fit in this world and into therapy as we are now...... not constantly in crisis and not free from PTSD triggers and all the like associated with trauma.
Have I mentioned lately that I hate gray?? Black and white may be painful but it makes sense and is easy to understand. The vast grayness that lies between despair and "better" is not life threatening but brings with it it's own pains and struggles and anxieties. Most days I am keenly aware that it is a much better place than where we were, but other days (more than not lately) I just feel so lost and like I'm stumbling around in the dark hoping I'm still going in the right direction.
Praise God that I'm not on this journey alone!!!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Living in the Gray
Living in the Gray.... This has become our new norm (which is good but very uncomfortable). We no longer live in constant crises state where self-injury is the norm and the goal is just to survive the day. We no longer feel our insides constantly screaming with pain. BUT things are not all better. We are not completely free from our past. We still hold pain inside. Sometimes it's severe and scary and other times it's rather mild. And some days we actually just feel good.
This vascilating place from good to severe and mostly bouncing around somewhere inbetween does NOT fit into our typical black and white thinking. There is PTSD and there is better. That's it! Now, as soon as I read what I just typed I know how rediculous it sounds. Of course there's an inbetween! And lots of steps and places inbetween. And how does one even define what "better" really looks like or feels like?
In a different way, living in this gray of being a "work in progress" is just as challenging as living in constant crisis. It's not a life-threatening place, so my mind tells me it should be less difficult, but my emotions and the struggles that come tell me differently.
It is so AWESOME to not loathe every day of life anymore and to actually enjoy participating in life. I don't regret the place we've come to at all. I guess I just didn't anticipate the gray between crisis and better to be so vast! Right now I feel like I'm living in two worlds simultaneously. My internal world that is growing and healing but still full of many unhealed and untouched hurts and my external world with a husband, friends, school, job hunting, and other responsibilities. Some days it feels things flow pretty smoothly and other days I feel like I'm riding some cosmic roller coaster ride where it's an accomplishment just to hang on all day.
In addition, I'm finding it very difficult to distinguish what are normal life ups and downs that are to be expected and what are trauma/DID related issues that may need extra attention or processing.
I'm sure most of this boils down to the fact that I'm thinking too much and trying to figure out more than I have to have figured out. But I guess having DID, I've spent most of my life trying to figure things out to just stay on top of things. Forget getting ahead...
Can I hope I'm just trying harder than I have to these days? ;)
This vascilating place from good to severe and mostly bouncing around somewhere inbetween does NOT fit into our typical black and white thinking. There is PTSD and there is better. That's it! Now, as soon as I read what I just typed I know how rediculous it sounds. Of course there's an inbetween! And lots of steps and places inbetween. And how does one even define what "better" really looks like or feels like?
In a different way, living in this gray of being a "work in progress" is just as challenging as living in constant crisis. It's not a life-threatening place, so my mind tells me it should be less difficult, but my emotions and the struggles that come tell me differently.
It is so AWESOME to not loathe every day of life anymore and to actually enjoy participating in life. I don't regret the place we've come to at all. I guess I just didn't anticipate the gray between crisis and better to be so vast! Right now I feel like I'm living in two worlds simultaneously. My internal world that is growing and healing but still full of many unhealed and untouched hurts and my external world with a husband, friends, school, job hunting, and other responsibilities. Some days it feels things flow pretty smoothly and other days I feel like I'm riding some cosmic roller coaster ride where it's an accomplishment just to hang on all day.
In addition, I'm finding it very difficult to distinguish what are normal life ups and downs that are to be expected and what are trauma/DID related issues that may need extra attention or processing.
I'm sure most of this boils down to the fact that I'm thinking too much and trying to figure out more than I have to have figured out. But I guess having DID, I've spent most of my life trying to figure things out to just stay on top of things. Forget getting ahead...
Can I hope I'm just trying harder than I have to these days? ;)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Slowly calming down
Well I finally have 2 seconds to blog again.. Yay!
Things inside are slowly calming down and settling from the raw emotional roller coaster that started about 2 weeks ago. I'm still emotional, but then when am I not emotional? haha! I can tell things are improving though because I dropped husband off yesterday morning to go away for training for 3 weeks, and I didn't bawl my eyes out.
Things are slowing down a bit in my external life too. Tomorrow through Monday is Fall break. I'm planning to spend the majority of the time working on my research thesis. It's the only thing other than my current internship that I have to finish before graduating in December. Even though I'll have plenty to keep me busy, I'm excited to get to work on my schedule and at my pace. And to SLEEP in!!!! I feel so sleep deprived.
Not much else that I feel like deeply delving into at the moment. Just wanted to say that I am getting a break in the overtly raw emotions for the time being. God is so good!!!!
Things inside are slowly calming down and settling from the raw emotional roller coaster that started about 2 weeks ago. I'm still emotional, but then when am I not emotional? haha! I can tell things are improving though because I dropped husband off yesterday morning to go away for training for 3 weeks, and I didn't bawl my eyes out.
Things are slowing down a bit in my external life too. Tomorrow through Monday is Fall break. I'm planning to spend the majority of the time working on my research thesis. It's the only thing other than my current internship that I have to finish before graduating in December. Even though I'll have plenty to keep me busy, I'm excited to get to work on my schedule and at my pace. And to SLEEP in!!!! I feel so sleep deprived.
Not much else that I feel like deeply delving into at the moment. Just wanted to say that I am getting a break in the overtly raw emotions for the time being. God is so good!!!!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Still kicking
Just wanted to take a few minutes to post that I'm still here putting one foot in front of the other. Things have calmed down a little bit from last week, but I'm still dealing with very raw emotions, and feelings of vulnerability and instability that are higher than normal for me.
I've gotten to see hubby more this week, and that's been helpful. Still fighting with the insurance company to pay for therapy and hubby is still leaving for 3 weeks next Tuesday for training, but we have fun weekend plans, so I'm trying to stay focused on that.
We admitted to therapist yesterday that we don't "feel" safe right now. Not unsafe in the sense that we're afraid we'll hurt ourselves, but no place feels like a safe haven right now. I put "feel" in quotation marks because my rational mind knows that we're not safe. My therapist calls this "classic" PTSD. I don't know whether to be reassured or demoralized by that. I guess it doesn't really matter. I keep reassuring us that we are safe, but it doesn't seem to lessen the feelings. At least for the moment they're not too overwhelming. I know parts of me are feeling desperate though b/c they're using the fact that my weight is about 5 lbs. higher than what my optimum weight is as an excuse to restrict eating and over-exercise. My mind knows these things are bad for me and can remember that, at least for me, there is a direct correlation in getting enough nutrients and my depression levels. However, that rationality and knowledge is NOT as strong as the desires to act on these feelings and impulses. The only thing keeping this relatively under control right now is sheer will power and the desire to not get back into a really bad place.
Last night I awoke in a panicked stated with my husband asking me if I was okay. I have no idea what I was dreaming about. He left before I got up this morning, so I look forward to getting his take on things tonight.
On one hand, I still feel like we have a good grip on things and with therapist's help, this can stay very manageable (even though it won't be easy)and will even improve with time. On the other hand, I find myself praying that God can just help me stave off a total meltdown until after the first of the year. Then I can finish my internship and graduate with another blasted graduate degree that I may never use, and possibly see husband off on deployment without him having to see me at my lowest where no part of me rational.
All I know for sure right now is that I have control over my choices today, and what I need to focus on is what I can do to make smart, healthy choices right now. *Sigh*
It really sucks being back in one-day-at-a-time modality.
I've gotten to see hubby more this week, and that's been helpful. Still fighting with the insurance company to pay for therapy and hubby is still leaving for 3 weeks next Tuesday for training, but we have fun weekend plans, so I'm trying to stay focused on that.
We admitted to therapist yesterday that we don't "feel" safe right now. Not unsafe in the sense that we're afraid we'll hurt ourselves, but no place feels like a safe haven right now. I put "feel" in quotation marks because my rational mind knows that we're not safe. My therapist calls this "classic" PTSD. I don't know whether to be reassured or demoralized by that. I guess it doesn't really matter. I keep reassuring us that we are safe, but it doesn't seem to lessen the feelings. At least for the moment they're not too overwhelming. I know parts of me are feeling desperate though b/c they're using the fact that my weight is about 5 lbs. higher than what my optimum weight is as an excuse to restrict eating and over-exercise. My mind knows these things are bad for me and can remember that, at least for me, there is a direct correlation in getting enough nutrients and my depression levels. However, that rationality and knowledge is NOT as strong as the desires to act on these feelings and impulses. The only thing keeping this relatively under control right now is sheer will power and the desire to not get back into a really bad place.
Last night I awoke in a panicked stated with my husband asking me if I was okay. I have no idea what I was dreaming about. He left before I got up this morning, so I look forward to getting his take on things tonight.
On one hand, I still feel like we have a good grip on things and with therapist's help, this can stay very manageable (even though it won't be easy)and will even improve with time. On the other hand, I find myself praying that God can just help me stave off a total meltdown until after the first of the year. Then I can finish my internship and graduate with another blasted graduate degree that I may never use, and possibly see husband off on deployment without him having to see me at my lowest where no part of me rational.
All I know for sure right now is that I have control over my choices today, and what I need to focus on is what I can do to make smart, healthy choices right now. *Sigh*
It really sucks being back in one-day-at-a-time modality.
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