Hey everyone. I've wanted to blog so badly the past 2 days. I have several blog posts just sitting in my head waiting to be typed out, but the past couple of days have been really busy, and I've been forced to do a lot more coping and distraction than allowing my feelings to be in the moment and truly feel them until it's close to 10 o'clock at night. When it's this late, I don't want to get into any of it because I'm exhausted, and it has the potential to take me to a place where I don't want to be right before bedtime and increase my chance of nightmares.
All of that said, tomorrow late afternoon/early evening should afford me the time I need to post a couple of blog entries. Therapy yesterday was 2 hours long, intense, and really eye opening - in a good but very painful way. I'm hoping to post a couple entries on that and what has happened since the session in an effort to help me think through things more clearly and give a voice to things that have never had a voice before.
Also, I just wanted to say thanks to those of you who take the time to read my blog. I know I post infrequently and sometimes about random thing. My blog is not as focused or as topic oriented as many people's, but it is my life. It's kinda cool to know that total strangers and friends take the time and stop to read my words as if I have/had something important to say. Anyways, just thank you.. to all of you who read and to those of you who sometimes respond to my entries with your thoughts and feedback. It's nice to not feel all alone even when you are alone. :)
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
And the Nightmares Return
I had wishingly hoped my nightmares had stopped forever. I've always been a dreamer. Six our of seven days a week, I can tell you what I dreamt about the night before. Forever they were nightmares or flashbacks in my dreams. However, over the last year or so, most of them had been silly or nonsensical dreams - and usually based around something going on in my current life.
Three nights running now I've had nightmares again. The kind that are a mix of flashbacks, current people, and stuff that hasn't or doesn't currently exist in my life. So, on one hand, when I wake up, I can tell that these dreams are not totally real events that occurred because past and present and fiction are all blurred together in one dream. On the other hand, the nightmares feel so life-like that I've been waking up in the fetal position, shaking in fear, with a level of anxiety and depression that I haven't felt for a couple of years. Grounding and distraction have helped me get up and get through my days, but nothing is fully shaking the anxiety and looming sense of doom.
I'm getting a better picture of where this may be coming from internally and where this may be headed, but most of it is still very foggy and just trapped in feelings. What I am aware of tells me this isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's gonna be a beast of a ride for a bit. :P
I am still in a much better place with this going on than I have been in the past, but I must admit that I'm wondering... Will I ever talk, heal enough that new waves won't keep cropping up?
I want so badly to talk to hubby... to tell him what's going on... to let him walk this with me to feel supported but to also help him understand some of what I went through before we met. But he's on the other side of the world putting his life on the line every day. The last thing I want is for his attention to be focused on me or worrying about me. I need him to focus on his job so he can come back home to me in one piece. I also am not sure how much he can understand via e-mail and occasional video chatting. Part of me is wondering if telling him will make it harder instead of easier if he can't understand b/c of the distance and lack of communication between us right now.
I can't believe this hurts so much and I feel so alone in this. We've done stuff like this before. We know we can get to the other side of this. But it's been almost 3 years since we felt this badly. I really really thought that part of my life might be over with. I really am ready to move on with my life. Goodness knows I still have enough day to day issues that were keeping me in therapy. Do we really need to go back and cover more of this stuff??
God, please just take this part away. I don't want to go through more nightmares, flashbacks, and memories. I get what happened to us. I haven't tried to deny it in a long time. Please don't make me relive all of it. I feel like I know and have felt enough. Please, please just take this away and replace it with your peace... Your miraculous peace that passes all understanding. Please.
Three nights running now I've had nightmares again. The kind that are a mix of flashbacks, current people, and stuff that hasn't or doesn't currently exist in my life. So, on one hand, when I wake up, I can tell that these dreams are not totally real events that occurred because past and present and fiction are all blurred together in one dream. On the other hand, the nightmares feel so life-like that I've been waking up in the fetal position, shaking in fear, with a level of anxiety and depression that I haven't felt for a couple of years. Grounding and distraction have helped me get up and get through my days, but nothing is fully shaking the anxiety and looming sense of doom.
I'm getting a better picture of where this may be coming from internally and where this may be headed, but most of it is still very foggy and just trapped in feelings. What I am aware of tells me this isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's gonna be a beast of a ride for a bit. :P
I am still in a much better place with this going on than I have been in the past, but I must admit that I'm wondering... Will I ever talk, heal enough that new waves won't keep cropping up?
I want so badly to talk to hubby... to tell him what's going on... to let him walk this with me to feel supported but to also help him understand some of what I went through before we met. But he's on the other side of the world putting his life on the line every day. The last thing I want is for his attention to be focused on me or worrying about me. I need him to focus on his job so he can come back home to me in one piece. I also am not sure how much he can understand via e-mail and occasional video chatting. Part of me is wondering if telling him will make it harder instead of easier if he can't understand b/c of the distance and lack of communication between us right now.
I can't believe this hurts so much and I feel so alone in this. We've done stuff like this before. We know we can get to the other side of this. But it's been almost 3 years since we felt this badly. I really really thought that part of my life might be over with. I really am ready to move on with my life. Goodness knows I still have enough day to day issues that were keeping me in therapy. Do we really need to go back and cover more of this stuff??
God, please just take this part away. I don't want to go through more nightmares, flashbacks, and memories. I get what happened to us. I haven't tried to deny it in a long time. Please don't make me relive all of it. I feel like I know and have felt enough. Please, please just take this away and replace it with your peace... Your miraculous peace that passes all understanding. Please.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Lack of Words
I've been around the past several days. I've had plenty of time to blog. It's snowing way more than usual this year, and this State isn't used to handling this much snow, so everything's pretty much been shut down since Monday night. I got a bit stir crazy today. The mix of ice and snow made things not safe to get out on unless you had to, so I stayed in today. I only got out for a couple of hours yesterday, and it's questionable if I'll be able to get out tomorrow. Praying that the street scrapers will at least have the main roads cleared tomorrow.
Anyways, all this to say I've had plenty of time to blog, and there are things stirring inside that probably need to be blogged about, but so far I have no words, so I've just been avoiding my blog. Feelings usually come before words with me. It usually means they're someone else's feelings (internally) and I don't have the memories or insights to go with it. It's a slightly scary place to be. It leaves me wondering if I'm about to blindsided by something unexpected. Sometimes these 'dark' feelings inside end up not being as huge as I fear they'll be. Other times they've knocked the wind out of me. It's been awhile since I've had feelings this intense, so it has me a bit nervous. I wish I knew how to better gauge these feelings. I know it'll all come clear with time, but part of me doesn't want it to. I want to push whatever this is back down and continue on with my happier life - the one where my main depressive feelings are related to missing my husband and not rooted in trauma or the abuse.
In all honesty, God has blessed me with a nice reprieve. I do have more energy reserves, and I've had a long period of time that's been relatively good, so I probably have the strength and coping skills to get through whatever this is - big or small. My distractions are less right now too, so it makes more sense that I would be more aware of things internally.
I eluded to as much in therapy on Monday, but I felt very far removed from it felt I might be reading into something that wasn't there. Each day that goes by, things inside are getting harder to ignore. I even spent some time listening today, but all I "hear" is the pain I feel. I have no words, memories, pictures or anything to go with the feelings yet. I like not having those parts of it, but I know I can't work through this and get the feeling out of us until the issue(s) is addressed. I'm really hoping some of this will come out in therapy tomorrow. Maybe if parts won't tell me, they'll tell therapist.
Or maybe if I close my eyes hard enough, it will just all go away.... okay, kidding there.... that one hasn't worked in a really long time...
So I feel like I just wrote a lot and said absolutely nothing. Oh well, at least I put it out there that there's some dark stuff stirring inside of me right now. That's more than I've admitted out loud to anyone else...
Anyways, all this to say I've had plenty of time to blog, and there are things stirring inside that probably need to be blogged about, but so far I have no words, so I've just been avoiding my blog. Feelings usually come before words with me. It usually means they're someone else's feelings (internally) and I don't have the memories or insights to go with it. It's a slightly scary place to be. It leaves me wondering if I'm about to blindsided by something unexpected. Sometimes these 'dark' feelings inside end up not being as huge as I fear they'll be. Other times they've knocked the wind out of me. It's been awhile since I've had feelings this intense, so it has me a bit nervous. I wish I knew how to better gauge these feelings. I know it'll all come clear with time, but part of me doesn't want it to. I want to push whatever this is back down and continue on with my happier life - the one where my main depressive feelings are related to missing my husband and not rooted in trauma or the abuse.
In all honesty, God has blessed me with a nice reprieve. I do have more energy reserves, and I've had a long period of time that's been relatively good, so I probably have the strength and coping skills to get through whatever this is - big or small. My distractions are less right now too, so it makes more sense that I would be more aware of things internally.
I eluded to as much in therapy on Monday, but I felt very far removed from it felt I might be reading into something that wasn't there. Each day that goes by, things inside are getting harder to ignore. I even spent some time listening today, but all I "hear" is the pain I feel. I have no words, memories, pictures or anything to go with the feelings yet. I like not having those parts of it, but I know I can't work through this and get the feeling out of us until the issue(s) is addressed. I'm really hoping some of this will come out in therapy tomorrow. Maybe if parts won't tell me, they'll tell therapist.
Or maybe if I close my eyes hard enough, it will just all go away.... okay, kidding there.... that one hasn't worked in a really long time...
So I feel like I just wrote a lot and said absolutely nothing. Oh well, at least I put it out there that there's some dark stuff stirring inside of me right now. That's more than I've admitted out loud to anyone else...
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Heavy heart
My heart is heavy today. The pain of hubby being away really isn't letting up. I'm just finding that I can distract from it for periods of time.
I have a little good news. I got a temp job yesterday, so starting Friday I'll have at least 6 weeks of employment. Gotta start somewhere, and I'm trusting God to either turn this into a permanent position or provide me with something else when this 6 weeks is up. It was very hard to make this decision without being able to talk to hubby first. I'd been hoping another job was going to come through, and I guess it still might, but I got offered this temp job and I still haven't heard back from the other one. I'm tired of being jobless, so I'm going forward with this, but it was hard decision to make knowing it affects both hubby and me, and I couldn't talk to him about it first. I have talked to him since I made the decision, and he is supportive, but it was just another reminder of how things are going to be very different for awhile and how much I miss him.
I think I blogged last week about a very close friend of mine admitting that she had an affair. I've spent what I could of the last week e-mailing with her and talking through this with her. I don't condone what she did at all, but she's my friend and I love her. I want to do everything I can to help her get back on the right track... whether her marriage is salvageable or not. We talked on the phone as recent as last night and she was telling me all the steps she was taking to improve things and that her husband had agreed to go to a 911 marriage seminar with her to see if there was any chance of their marriage surviving... A long way to go, but they all felt like positive steps.
Today I got an e-mail from her asking for forgiveness and prayers b/c she had continued contact with the man she had an affair with all last week, over the weekend, and even saw him yesterday. She says it was to say good-bye and cut ties. She says she really is through and really wants to save her marriage. She says she knows she's let us down and lied to us again. This e-mail felt like a huge punch in the gut. After getting over the initial shock and hurt of being lied to for months, I reached out and have tried to help her in any way I could. To find out today that she was still lying and non-repentant breaks my heart. In her e-mail, she says she is broken and repentant now, but I don't know why I should give her the benefit of the doubt and believe her.
It's going to take lots of prayer, but I will forgive her. We are commanded to forgive even when the same sin is committed against us over and over again (Matthew 18:22). Rebuilding that trust with her is going to be a much longer road than I ever anticipated though.... And, it just breaks my heart that satan has her in his grips so tightly. With God, we know she can over come this, but she has to want to. She says she wants to, but she said that before and wasn't even remotely trying to. It's hard to know if it's truth this time.
I really wish hubby was here. We are not my friend and her husband, but hugs of reassurance and being able to talk to him face to face about this would be so comforting. God this has to be in your hands. It's way bigger than me, and I don't know what to do.
I have a little good news. I got a temp job yesterday, so starting Friday I'll have at least 6 weeks of employment. Gotta start somewhere, and I'm trusting God to either turn this into a permanent position or provide me with something else when this 6 weeks is up. It was very hard to make this decision without being able to talk to hubby first. I'd been hoping another job was going to come through, and I guess it still might, but I got offered this temp job and I still haven't heard back from the other one. I'm tired of being jobless, so I'm going forward with this, but it was hard decision to make knowing it affects both hubby and me, and I couldn't talk to him about it first. I have talked to him since I made the decision, and he is supportive, but it was just another reminder of how things are going to be very different for awhile and how much I miss him.
I think I blogged last week about a very close friend of mine admitting that she had an affair. I've spent what I could of the last week e-mailing with her and talking through this with her. I don't condone what she did at all, but she's my friend and I love her. I want to do everything I can to help her get back on the right track... whether her marriage is salvageable or not. We talked on the phone as recent as last night and she was telling me all the steps she was taking to improve things and that her husband had agreed to go to a 911 marriage seminar with her to see if there was any chance of their marriage surviving... A long way to go, but they all felt like positive steps.
Today I got an e-mail from her asking for forgiveness and prayers b/c she had continued contact with the man she had an affair with all last week, over the weekend, and even saw him yesterday. She says it was to say good-bye and cut ties. She says she really is through and really wants to save her marriage. She says she knows she's let us down and lied to us again. This e-mail felt like a huge punch in the gut. After getting over the initial shock and hurt of being lied to for months, I reached out and have tried to help her in any way I could. To find out today that she was still lying and non-repentant breaks my heart. In her e-mail, she says she is broken and repentant now, but I don't know why I should give her the benefit of the doubt and believe her.
It's going to take lots of prayer, but I will forgive her. We are commanded to forgive even when the same sin is committed against us over and over again (Matthew 18:22). Rebuilding that trust with her is going to be a much longer road than I ever anticipated though.... And, it just breaks my heart that satan has her in his grips so tightly. With God, we know she can over come this, but she has to want to. She says she wants to, but she said that before and wasn't even remotely trying to. It's hard to know if it's truth this time.
I really wish hubby was here. We are not my friend and her husband, but hugs of reassurance and being able to talk to him face to face about this would be so comforting. God this has to be in your hands. It's way bigger than me, and I don't know what to do.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
A little better today
Just wanted to write a quick update to say that today is going better. Yesterday I stayed in my pj's or on the couch or in my bed all day. My only communications were a couple of phone calls and the Internet. There were times I wanted to reach out more for support and help, but I didn't have any words to put with my pain, and I wasn't sure what would feel comforting to even know what to ask my friends and family for. Maybe I just needed the rest and grief time.
I went to bed by midnight last night - which shows how tired I was since I didn't get up until 1pm yesterday. I did sleep in until 11am today too, but I felt more rested and little more clear-minded today when I did get up. Husband called at 8am and I woke up long enough to talk to him. He's made it to his first destination safely, and it was soooooooooooo good to hear his voice. I am amazed how gradually with time (and I didn't notice it happening while it was) his voice has become a very calming and soothing thing for me (his smell does the same for me too). Hearing his voice on the phone this morning made everything better. It hurt when it was time to hang up with him, but I know even that short phone call has helped put a pep in my step today, and I praise God for that. It wasn't too many years ago that the smell of any man would have sent me running the other direction and nothing about a man was soothing to me. Now (as it should be, but I wondered if it was ever possible) my husband's smell and voice are two of the most soothing things in my life.
If I stop and think too long, I will start crying again. The pain is for sure not gone, and life will take some getting used to. I still brewed enough coffee for both of us this morning before I realized that I'd made too much. One of the habits I'll have to temporarily break.
Thankfully God has blessed me today with beautiful weather (sunny and in the mid 50's) and enough energy and drive to get out in it. Took a 6 mile bike ride today. The sun, fresh air, and energy expenditure was amazing. The fact that I haven't ridden my bike in 6 months meant the cardio was rough and I will pay for it my legs tomorrow. Totally worth it though. This got me motivated to do a few more things around the house that felt totally overwhelming yesterday. Some tasks still feel too overwhelming, but seeing this improvement from yesterday gives me much hope that other tasks will become more do-able over the next several days as well.
Gonna go make myself shower and put on some real clothes now. Time to start living again.
I went to bed by midnight last night - which shows how tired I was since I didn't get up until 1pm yesterday. I did sleep in until 11am today too, but I felt more rested and little more clear-minded today when I did get up. Husband called at 8am and I woke up long enough to talk to him. He's made it to his first destination safely, and it was soooooooooooo good to hear his voice. I am amazed how gradually with time (and I didn't notice it happening while it was) his voice has become a very calming and soothing thing for me (his smell does the same for me too). Hearing his voice on the phone this morning made everything better. It hurt when it was time to hang up with him, but I know even that short phone call has helped put a pep in my step today, and I praise God for that. It wasn't too many years ago that the smell of any man would have sent me running the other direction and nothing about a man was soothing to me. Now (as it should be, but I wondered if it was ever possible) my husband's smell and voice are two of the most soothing things in my life.
If I stop and think too long, I will start crying again. The pain is for sure not gone, and life will take some getting used to. I still brewed enough coffee for both of us this morning before I realized that I'd made too much. One of the habits I'll have to temporarily break.
Thankfully God has blessed me today with beautiful weather (sunny and in the mid 50's) and enough energy and drive to get out in it. Took a 6 mile bike ride today. The sun, fresh air, and energy expenditure was amazing. The fact that I haven't ridden my bike in 6 months meant the cardio was rough and I will pay for it my legs tomorrow. Totally worth it though. This got me motivated to do a few more things around the house that felt totally overwhelming yesterday. Some tasks still feel too overwhelming, but seeing this improvement from yesterday gives me much hope that other tasks will become more do-able over the next several days as well.
Gonna go make myself shower and put on some real clothes now. Time to start living again.
Friday, January 28, 2011
*Sigh*
It's almost 6am. I've been home for about 30 minutes. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally, and I've even made it into bed... But I don't want to lie down and go to sleep. Tonight (well, I guess it's actually day now) I sleep alone. Hubby is away for 6 months, and this is the first 'night' without him. I don't know if I can sleep without another body in the bed.... without him stealing the covers, accidentally elbowing me in the nose, and making funny and annoying noises in his sleep.
My heart just hurts so much. I just keep reminding myself(us) that hubby is going in God's hands. God is in control, and I can pray safety over hubby. Praise God that someone.. that He is in control. I have no control over this situation anymore, and while it was so much harder than last time to let hubby leave today, it is good to find a small amount of comfort knowing that he will never be on his own and that God is on his side.
Hopefully with a couple of good cries and some sleep, I'll feel better and be in a place where I can start to figure out what my "normal" routine is going to be while hubby is gone.
I just keep screaming in my head "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!" And maybe it's not, but life isn't fair. Hubby signed up to do the job he does, and I've known for awhile that today was coming. It hurts for both of us, but I am so proud of him and his commitment. It's totally worth the pain of having to be apart from him to have the honor and joy of being his wife, but that in no way means this pain is easy.
Okay...gonna try to lie down. Think exhaustion may win out soon and I'll sleep anyways.
Night...err...good morning y'all.
My heart just hurts so much. I just keep reminding myself(us) that hubby is going in God's hands. God is in control, and I can pray safety over hubby. Praise God that someone.. that He is in control. I have no control over this situation anymore, and while it was so much harder than last time to let hubby leave today, it is good to find a small amount of comfort knowing that he will never be on his own and that God is on his side.
Hopefully with a couple of good cries and some sleep, I'll feel better and be in a place where I can start to figure out what my "normal" routine is going to be while hubby is gone.
I just keep screaming in my head "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!" And maybe it's not, but life isn't fair. Hubby signed up to do the job he does, and I've known for awhile that today was coming. It hurts for both of us, but I am so proud of him and his commitment. It's totally worth the pain of having to be apart from him to have the honor and joy of being his wife, but that in no way means this pain is easy.
Okay...gonna try to lie down. Think exhaustion may win out soon and I'll sleep anyways.
Night...err...good morning y'all.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Reminders of why to only put full faith in God
The pros of doing multiple Bible studies at the same time is that I am learning more than I expected and I'm being challenged to grow and it's keeping a fire in me lit at a time when my emotions want it to fizzle, so I can just "be."
The cons of doing multiple bible studies at one time is that I currently cannot find in which book and what Scriptures my thoughts for today are coming from because I cannot remember which book the thought was first placed in my head by to share with you, and I'm on a tight schedule right now, but really want to get this posted. So, forgive me for now for not having references. I promise to come back and add them later in the day or sometime in the next few days when I have time to search for them again.
The lesson on my heart the past week has been how I need to put all of my trust and faith in God and not in any human(s). I've had quiet times, scriptures, and supplemental readings all seem to be pointing to this idea. My natural thoughts have been God was sending this to me b/c I'm finding myself having thoughts, like "I can't let hubby deploy b/c I can't function if he leaves." I was independent for several, several years before I ever met husband, so this was a weird feeling for me to have, but it felt very true. I assumed God was gently reminding me that I did just fine before I met hubby; I survived hubby's first deployment; I've survived hubby's month long trainings away from home; and that I can survive this deployment. There is definitely something that changes with marriage, though. Husband and I are two completely different people (sometimes foreign to each other), but there is also something very true to the statement that "two become one". I feel so connected to him that it feels like my heart is ripping out letting him go. I also felt God had been telling me to put my trust in God to take care of hubby. Sending hubby in God's arms and with his protection is definitely comforting, and while my tears seem to be ever flowing, I have been finding peace in this most of the time.
Yesterday God brought this lesson to me on a whole new level. A dear friend of mine since my senior year of high school, a peer that I have always looked up to spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. She married and the mom of two precious girls and has always seemed to know how to do everything just right. Yesterday she called me on the phone and confessed to having been involved in an affair with a married man (her best friend's husband who is also the associate minister at their church) for the past 6 months. If my jaw could have literally hit the floor, it would have. When I asked her what convicted her to share this now, she replied that they'd been caught by the other man's wife. Wow! So, according to her the affair is officially over because "it has to be", but who knows how long it would have gone on if they hadn't gotten caught? Her husband and his wife are devastated, obviously.
I know my friend has been hurting for awhile. She's young (31) and her husband was diagnosed with MS 2 years ago. They have two small children and she's been drained, stressed, and doing everything alone for awhile. However, I am amazed at how well she's been lying to me about this affair for the past 6 months. I had wondered if she might separate from her husband for a time just to get a "break", but I had NO idea she was engaged in an affair. My heart breaks for all of those involved. I told my friend yesterday that I was glad she got caught if that's what it was going to take to end the affair. I told her that I loved her and wasn't going to stop being her friend. This is a great example of separating the sin from the sinner b/c I in no way condone what my friend has done. There is NO excuse good enough. But I still love her, and I will do everything in my power to help her get back on the right path with Christ and then her husband (if he's even interested).
I can't tell you how much this situation hurts, but I do know that God is showing me that even those we hold as "better Christians" than ourselves are susceptible to falling into deep sin. It reminds me that this is why I put my faith in him and not in fellow Christians. It would be tempting to say if this friend could turn her back on God in this way, then what's to keep me from doing the same? She's got it together so much better than I do. This would be foolish on my part though, because it's not about us at all. We only overcome b/c of God and Christ. Keeping my eyes on him, being dependent on him. Leaning on other Christians for support, fellowship, and guidance is still great and needed. But my hope and my trust must reside in God. He is the ONLY one who will never fail. Praise him for that!
Okay. May have gotten on my soapbox a little bit more than intended, but I've just been very struck how two very different situations in my life have reinforced the same lesson from God. So, I felt it was important to share.
The cons of doing multiple bible studies at one time is that I currently cannot find in which book and what Scriptures my thoughts for today are coming from because I cannot remember which book the thought was first placed in my head by to share with you, and I'm on a tight schedule right now, but really want to get this posted. So, forgive me for now for not having references. I promise to come back and add them later in the day or sometime in the next few days when I have time to search for them again.
The lesson on my heart the past week has been how I need to put all of my trust and faith in God and not in any human(s). I've had quiet times, scriptures, and supplemental readings all seem to be pointing to this idea. My natural thoughts have been God was sending this to me b/c I'm finding myself having thoughts, like "I can't let hubby deploy b/c I can't function if he leaves." I was independent for several, several years before I ever met husband, so this was a weird feeling for me to have, but it felt very true. I assumed God was gently reminding me that I did just fine before I met hubby; I survived hubby's first deployment; I've survived hubby's month long trainings away from home; and that I can survive this deployment. There is definitely something that changes with marriage, though. Husband and I are two completely different people (sometimes foreign to each other), but there is also something very true to the statement that "two become one". I feel so connected to him that it feels like my heart is ripping out letting him go. I also felt God had been telling me to put my trust in God to take care of hubby. Sending hubby in God's arms and with his protection is definitely comforting, and while my tears seem to be ever flowing, I have been finding peace in this most of the time.
Yesterday God brought this lesson to me on a whole new level. A dear friend of mine since my senior year of high school, a peer that I have always looked up to spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. She married and the mom of two precious girls and has always seemed to know how to do everything just right. Yesterday she called me on the phone and confessed to having been involved in an affair with a married man (her best friend's husband who is also the associate minister at their church) for the past 6 months. If my jaw could have literally hit the floor, it would have. When I asked her what convicted her to share this now, she replied that they'd been caught by the other man's wife. Wow! So, according to her the affair is officially over because "it has to be", but who knows how long it would have gone on if they hadn't gotten caught? Her husband and his wife are devastated, obviously.
I know my friend has been hurting for awhile. She's young (31) and her husband was diagnosed with MS 2 years ago. They have two small children and she's been drained, stressed, and doing everything alone for awhile. However, I am amazed at how well she's been lying to me about this affair for the past 6 months. I had wondered if she might separate from her husband for a time just to get a "break", but I had NO idea she was engaged in an affair. My heart breaks for all of those involved. I told my friend yesterday that I was glad she got caught if that's what it was going to take to end the affair. I told her that I loved her and wasn't going to stop being her friend. This is a great example of separating the sin from the sinner b/c I in no way condone what my friend has done. There is NO excuse good enough. But I still love her, and I will do everything in my power to help her get back on the right path with Christ and then her husband (if he's even interested).
I can't tell you how much this situation hurts, but I do know that God is showing me that even those we hold as "better Christians" than ourselves are susceptible to falling into deep sin. It reminds me that this is why I put my faith in him and not in fellow Christians. It would be tempting to say if this friend could turn her back on God in this way, then what's to keep me from doing the same? She's got it together so much better than I do. This would be foolish on my part though, because it's not about us at all. We only overcome b/c of God and Christ. Keeping my eyes on him, being dependent on him. Leaning on other Christians for support, fellowship, and guidance is still great and needed. But my hope and my trust must reside in God. He is the ONLY one who will never fail. Praise him for that!
Okay. May have gotten on my soapbox a little bit more than intended, but I've just been very struck how two very different situations in my life have reinforced the same lesson from God. So, I felt it was important to share.
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