Too much to do. Not enough time.

Hey everyone. Sorry I've been MIA for about a week. Unfortunately, this pattern is probably going to continue for another 3 weeks. I've been running around like crazy finishing up last minute wedding details and putting out very small fires. I've had a couple of posts I've really wanted to get up here. One on grief and one on forgiveness, but it seems I never have enough time to get them written out and posted, so I keep putting them off.

In addition, part of me feels I should be using my blog better as an avenue regarding all of the feelings I/we have about getting married next weekend and the honeymoon. Even in therapy this has been hard to talk about the past couple of weeks because I'm feeling sort of numb about it all. I don't think it's numb in a bad way. I think it's more the fact that I've been working on and planning this wedding for 11months and I just want the day to get here. I want to enjoy it with my family and closest friends. And then I want it to be OVER WITH! From everything I've gathered most brides hit this point, so at least I know I'm "normal".

The real question is how will I be feeling and what will surface when everything is over and things calm down? Is there more internal chaos going on than I am able to recognize at the moment? Will I be let down b/c I won't be planning and doing anymore? Will I feel relief? I'm definitely hoping for the positive emotions, but knowing myself like I do, I know that even if I'm unintentionally ignoring parts right now b/c my external life is so crazy, they always make sure I'm aware of everything going on the minute my external life slows down.

So, my current goal is to hope for something in the middle. Mostly feelings of relief and excitement about being married to fiance finally with some difficult feelings that aren't fun but are manageable and can be worked through with coping skills and internal communication.

I know it will be beneficial for me to post this next week up until we leave for our honeymoon (don't know if we have internet where we're going), but if I don't get to, don't worry. It just means I'm a buzy bee. I'll post again as soon as I'm able.

With that.... Off to do more tasks!

Reminders

Everyday I have some very close friends who struggle with suicidal ideations. I hate this struggle for the because I spent so many years there myself and even have reoccurences of those feelings occassionally these days. With people that struggle in these situations, I feel I stay well aware of how fragile life is and how I might lose one of them at any moment if they allow life to overcome them.... not that I would blame them. They're dealing with some rough stuff.... but I also truly believe God will sustain us if we trust him and don't life overwhelm us to the point of choosing to end our own.

However, I still am always taken aback by the sudden, unexpected deaths that weren't at one's own hand. In these moments I am reminded how fragile life is for everyone on this planet.... how easily someone we love may be called away from this earth or how fragile my life still is even though I am no longer my number one death threat.

I apologize that this post sounds so morbid. It's just what I've been reflecting on this evening. See, fiance and I had dinner at his commander's house tonight with a couple of other captains and their wives. We were all having a wonderful time. They are such nice people, and it's very nice for me to actually know some of the women whose husbands will be deploying with mine in Feb. As we were wrapping up dinner, fiance's commander got a phone call. The call was to tell him that his mother had just passed away. Obviously, this was the end of the dinner party. The 6 of us guests helped clear the table and tried to do as much as we could to make clean up easier on the family. I got the impression that the major's mother was not ill and the phone call of her death was a shock.

"You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath." Psalm 39:5


I need to remember that I do not know how many days I will be blessed to have those I love here with me or how many days God is going to bless me with on this planet. No day or moment should be taken for granted. Lord help me remember this when wedding stress or PMS or bad moods keep me from appreciating all of my blessings and keeping my focus on what is most important.

Wedding Rollercoaster

Less than 3 weeks till my wedding day and I'm feeling all of the stress of it. My family is very helpful but they are definitely increasing my stress level. All of the minute detailings seem to be building up and some days I feel no one else sees themselves able to make any decisions. Some days I feel as though I get 500 questions a day and that 490 of them could have been answered and handled without talking to me.

In addition, my internal world has finally decided to make their feelings known about their fears of being married through the form of body memories (mainly a nauseous stomach and gastrointestinal problems). I've been asking for 11 months for them to share only getting answers from a couple. Now, 3 weeks before the wedding, I'm being overwhelmed with thoughts, fears, flashbacks.. Ugh.

The wedding we're having is so much larger and grander than anything I ever wanted either. I wanted something small with just family and a couple of close friends. We're having a huge catered event with close to 130 guests. Now, I will admit, the actual wedding weekend sounds like a blast if I can get to it without having a major meltdown or developing an ulcer first. I am going to get to see so many dear friends that I haven't seen in awhile, and I am very excited about that! Sometimes though it feels like I'm just planning the party of the year for our family and friends and the idea that fiance and I are getting married seems to be a by-product.

I've been so moody and irritable the past few days. I know I'm not fun to be around despite my best efforts to suppress the worst of my negative feelings from reaching the words that actually come out of my mouth. Finace really has been great through all of this. I know he's not happy with my attitude the past few days, but at the same time I think it's helped him realize that I need him to step up and help me out more too.

Tonight before he went to his house, he told me to make him one promise: Starting 12:01am Friday, May 28 I have to be through working. From that time on until after the wedding, everyone else does for me. I don't work the wedding weekend.

Now, that is a promise I look very forward to keeping, and his patience and concern the past few days are continued reminders of why I am marrying this man in less than 3 weeks.

This bride is definitely ready to have the wedding behind her and married life in front of her!

Memorial Service *TW* Talk of Suicide

I attended my first military memorial service today. At times, there was some discomfort for me in the formality of the event, but at the same time there was a sense of honor and respect being paid to the deceased because of the protocol being followed. Overall, I left very impressed with the way the memorial service was handled.

The reason for the service was another reason. The sergeant we were memorializing committed suicide last week. My fiance was deployed with him in Afghanistan until they came home in Dec. All I heard about this sergeant that may have played into his suicide were that he came home from deployment to his wife divorcing him and then the weekend before he passed away, his girlfriend broke up with him. These issues on top of reintegration from war, send a "well duh" thought through my head. However, it seems no one else saw it coming. He had future trips planned, he wasn't giving away everything he owned, etc.

Many of those (including my fiance) that I had the privilege to speak with are in total shock. I understand their shock. Even with friends that have committed suicide and I knew they were in a space they might do that, there is a shock that comes along with not being able to believe they actually followed through. At the same time, being someone who was suicidal for so many years and watching close friends of mine struggle with suicidality, I highly doubt there were no signs. The signs were just too subtle for the "normal" person to notice.

I say "normal" b/c I believe those of us who have been suicidal at one point or another in our life or have people close to us who are gain a better understanding of what to look for and a gut feeling of when someone else might be struggling that much, even if they're hiding it from 95% of the people in their life. I believe it's also hard for a person who has never been suicidal to fathom situations or feelings that would push someone to that point. I bet you anything, those closest to him didn't realize the internal turmoil he'd probably been dealing with since returning home in Dec or even before. All it took was something big (or small) to be his breaking point.

Memorial services for someone who dies from suicide always feel so much sadder and more painful for me. When someone dies in battle, or in a car wreck, or in some way that is out of their control, for some reason it is easier to cope with. It's easier to think they've found peace with Jesus. NOTE: I do NOT believe suicide equates the inability for God's grace to cover you and grant you eternal life with him. I do find myself feeling more that the person's life was cut short though. What great things might they still have seen, done, or felt in the name of the Lord if they'd just stuck it out? Feelings are ever changing. I do know what it's like to be chronically depressed and suicidal for 5 straight years, so I know it's tiring, but I also know that the depression and impulses did wax and wane during that time, and it is possible to overcome.

I think part of the sickening thud that settles in my stomach when I hear of a suicide and especially if I attend the person's funeral or know the person personally is b/c I know how close I was in the Spring of 2008 of causing that pain on so many around me. In the moment, I couldn't see past what was directly in front of me, so I don't hold guilt per say. I was very sick. But I constantly praise God that he put me in a place where people could intervene and I could be given another chance and receive help from people who could help me.

At the memorial service today, I cried. I never met this sergeant. My fiance didn't know him all that well. Yet we were both greatly affected today by his death. For me, it's just another reminder that people I don't even know might be effected if I chose to end my life before God calls me home.

I am very much in prayer for the family and friends of this sergeant and of anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide. In addition, I am in deep prayer for those people I know and those I don't know who are having suicidal impulses. God always provides a way out, we just have to choose to pay attention to it and take it.

And praise God that he took care of me when I didn't want to pay attention or take advantage of my way out of my suicidal impulses and acted on them. If I had succeeded, I would not be getting married to the man of my dreams in less than 4 weeks, I wouldn't have been able to realize my dream to be a therapist - and a good one at that. And I for sure wouldn't have realized my desire to function well and happy on only 20mg of Prozac instead of 10 psychotropic meds at one time.

God is bigger than suicide. I wish I knew how to help people (including myself) remember this in moments of utter despair when all you can see, think, feel, act on is getting out of this world and ending this life as soon as possible!!!!

Growing Pains

For those of you walking the same journey of healing from childhood sexual abuse and have a diagnosis of DID like me have probably experienced some growing pains associated with healing. Sometimes it's in the form of things seeming to get worse before they get better. Sometimes it's finally making it through one set of issues only to run into another. For me, it seems the next set of issues were always there, they were just not as pressing or they were difficult to see because of my current issues. Lately, most of my growing pains have revolved around learning what 'normal every day life' is like. It's thrilling to be in a place where "normal" problems are what I deal with on a lot of days, but I've also realized I don't know how to deal with everyday life stuff and have had to learn just like I had to learn grounding and containment and all of the things to help me cope with PTSD and DID.

In the last few months I've faced a new set of growing pains. They aren't actually my growing pains, but I am direcctly affected by them. They are the growing pains of friends and family who are being forced to grow because I have grown. They are having to grow and recognize me as the person I am now. While so many have wanted me to be in a more stable place, it seems now that I am in one, it is difficult for them to recognize, honor, and respect this. In all of the places I saw challenges, I never expected to see them in helping people close to be to allow me to be the me I am now.

I do understand with some people in my life I am having to regain trust and prove that I can make smart decisions for myself b/c for a long time I was not making safe decisions if left to my own devices because I was in so much pain and wanted nothing more than for everything to end. Those poeple had to make sure I stayed safe and did not make a decision I would regret or could be fatal or final.

I must I must admit that I was surprised by several people who seem to be having issues letting me grow and heal who are in my life and who knew of my struggles but did not daily walk through them with me. There have been moments in the last couple of weeks when I wish I could call everyone together for a meeting and bring therapist and have a huge group therapy session to get everyone up to date, out of the past, and on the same page with me. LOL! I can only imagine how crazy that would be.

I am realizing what really matters most is that fiance and I are on the same page (the page we both feel God wants us on) and that therapist and I believe we are helping him understand my current issues and struggles and how he can be helpful. While it would be nice if everyone else was on board too, it doesn't really matter.

Therapist feels we are on the right track (as do I) and fiancee really gets things. When it comes down to it, that's all I need to get married in 5 1/2 weeks. Everyone else is just going to have to find a way to trust me and leave their concerns at the church door.

Who knew your growth and progress would actually cause growing pains for others in your life as well?

Changes in perspective

I've been so busy with wedding stuff, wrapping up school and work stuff, some recent friend drama, that I feel I'm neglecting my inside world.

While my inside world is not so chaotic that I still lose time, switch uncontrollably, and lots of other symptoms I used to struggle with, there is still a very active world in my each. Each part with her own thoughts and feelings and running commentaries. While I continue to feel more and more connected to several of these parts, there are still a few 'outliers' that feel very foreign to me, and I sometimes forget that they are me, just as I am them.

One of these parts had a drastic change in her perspective in a therapy session a couple of weeks ago. I've wanted to blog about it and check in with her more often to see how she is doing, but before I even made it home from that therapy session where the break-thru happened, I had major drama with a bridesmaid that derailed several other parts internally and played on some of my deepest fears regarding my upcoming wedding. With all of that sorted out and back on track, I feel the need to return to this part and her changing perspective and the fall-out from that.

However, as I was telling therapist today, I can't seem to get into that space to reconnect with her. The day she shared in therapy, I felt horrible (switching headache, nausea from memories, overwhelming emotions of sadness, guilt, depression from her) but there was also a lot of clarity. Despite the awful feelings, I was looking forward to processing this experience and the progress she'd made b/c I knew it was important, and I also knew to her it didn't feel like progress, only more confusion. For whatever reason, I was not granted that opportunity.

Now, 2 weeks later, my mind knows I need to go back there and I am concerned for her, but at the same time I am feeling so drained from life in general. It's hard for me to go search her out and get back in that space with her. I know she needs me to. I think that will be the plan for therapy on Wednesday. However, if we don't get some internal work started before Wednesday, I'm not sure we'll get to her.

I'm beginning to feel the deadline of my upcoming wedding when it comes to therapy issues. My fiance is great! I couldn't ask for more. He is being so supportive. I am not worried about him pressuring me into anything I'm not ready for - even on our wedding night. I am very excited to be his wife! At the same time, there are areas that need to be addressed more in therapy and it's frustrating when life gets in the way and keeps me from being able to focus our sessions where I'd like. Lately it seems there's always some sort of mini-crisis that takes precedence in therapy.

I've been being made more and more aware of the spiritual warfare going on around me and I can't help but wonder if these are satan's distractions to keep me from goals and potential progress that will help me.... much like I find him doing when it comes to spending time with God or in the word... Distractions cause me to lose my focus and my goal more than anything else.

Okay so this has been a random blog about lots of things that aren't very coherent, but I'm still gonna post it b/c it's what's going through my head right now.

Familiar craziness

Well, last week's unfamiliar craziness settled into old familiar craziness after therapy today. On one hand, the way we're feeling now is familiar so there's more an idea of what to expect. On the other hand, I know the potential and places this crazy can take us.

A part that seems to constantly struggle more than her fair share who disoriented us so much last week and made us aware of some things in our internal world that we were unaware of talked again in therapy today.

Let me back up just a bit. I don't have the best internal communication with this part so when she wants to fly below the radar, it's very easy for her to do. Somehow over the past few months she'd managed to take all of her feelings and memories that she held and get them outside of her. For her, this was the most peace she's ever felt. She told therapist today that her body now feels hollow and that she doesn't feel anything. The only drawback to having everything out of her is that it had her completely cut off from the external world, thus the total disorientation.

During therapy today, the black hands (as she calls them) tried to pull her back in while she was forward like they did last session. Therapist worked hard to help keep this part forward. I guess it was working b/c the black hands decided to push all of her feelings and memories back up into her while she was forward since they weren't able to pull her down into it. It was the craziest thing to watch from the inside. It was like all of these pictures and feelings and words filled her hollow body up like a liquid going into a pitcher until she was completely full again.

The pain of having everything back had her wailing in therapy for a bit, then she seemed to very quicky resign to the idea that this is "her lot in life." She then started asking questions about the outside world that she's been missing out on. She was rather surprised to learn that the wedding that was forever away when she first found out is only 2 months away. She has agreed to talk to therapist about her fears and try to understand why marriage and having a man around all the time is a good idea, but I'll admit that I'm scared.

I know she will work hard, but I've been so excited that my wedding is getting close. I feel ready to be married and wish the wedding was next weekend (except for the fact that everything's not done yet). With this part always being the most against an intimate relationship with another human being, especially a male now able to and interested in paying attention to the outside world again, 2 months does NOT feel like enough time. Therapist says she believes this part does not have the energy or is oriented enough to the present yet to sabotage my relationship with fiancee or do something to call the wedding off, but I'm not as convinced. This part is the one who managed to tie our bed sheet in a knot to the bed and the other end into a noose around our neck and try to strangle us while having a flashback in an inpatient hospital. There is the potential she could have succeeded had staff not intervened.

I'm not expecting this part to act on anything anytime soon and hopefully not at all. Still, I hated the familiar thoughts and feelings that were going through my head as I drove home today. At one point, we drove past a truck on the interstate who had a casket company logo on the side. The thought that went through my head.... "I want to be in a casket. I want to stop breathing and rest forever." No part of me planned to do anything to act on those thoughts, but I guess I just got used to not having thoughts like that automatically flow through my head.

For now, I guess we're just going to consider this a work in progress and stay hopeful. :-P

Ramblings about my week

I can't believe another week has gone by between blog entries. Things seem to be going a mile a minute right now. Crackers and Juice (aka Tempy) came to visit for the weekend. She has an awesome designing talent and hand designed my wedding invitations. Not being near as artistic as she is, she flew down to print them, cut them, and help me assemble them (well, really I think I helped her assemble them). A project that should have taken about a day and a half ended up taking almost 3 days due to ignorant people in this redneck town I'm currently living in. We ran into issues at FedEx with their inability to correctly cut the special paper Tempy ordered for me, issues at Hobby Lobby changing their ribbon color and style slightly while claiming it's the exact same thing, and issues finding a stupid UHU glue stick at office stores that claimed to be carriers. I don't think I could have kept away the tears and laughed so hard if Tempy wasn't with me. Well, the DQ blizzard helped some too.

Sunday night I took Tempy to the airport so she could fly home and then headed off to meet my fiancee. I threw him and his roommate a joint birthday party Sunday night. Not as many people could make it as I hoped, but everyone loved the restaurant that I picked!

Monday was middle schoolers and therapy. Tuesdays was middle schoolers and fiancee's actual birthday. I had assumed we'd go out to dinner but silly boy forgot that Tuesday was his actual birthday and made plans for us to meet with a couple who is doing some informal pre-marital counseling with us. We both really respect this couple and the dinner and meeting with them was great. It was very intense, and of course I ended up in tears at one point. Seems I do that all too often these days.

The conversation actually helped me gain some clarity on some bigger issues for me. We didn't get everything resolved last night, so of course my mind started obsessing on how I probably handled things wrong and was overreacting to everything fiancee said. My dear friend Emily let me call her and cry into the phone for an hour and helped me sort through what was craziness in my head, what was trauma related, and what was completely validated.

I spent last night and all day today in prayer asking God for peace and wisdom and was able to have a very beneficial conversation with fiancee tonight. Whew! It was an excellent way to end the day b/c I need a good night's sleep. I had therapy this morning (therapist was very helpful in helping me tease things out better too) then went to work and saw 4 clients, then went to class, then went to get clarity on a cell phone bill and made it home at the exact same time fiancee got to my place.

Tomorrow I'm working all day and going to Bible study in the evening. It's hard for me to get motivated for bible study in the evening b/c I'm usually spent at the end of the day, but when I go it's so rewarding. Friday after work, I'm picking up my soon to be mother-in-law at the airport and we're headed to my hometown for a couple of wedding showers. I'll drop her off at the airport on Monday and things will start up all over again.

Hope it's not another week before I blog again, but it might be. No worries. I'm still here. Just crazy busy!!!!!

Learning new things (possibly TW)

Today therapist talked to a part that I've been aware of and had communication with almost since the beginning of when I became aware of "others" in my head. Therapist wanted to talk to her b/c she's scared some other parts over her extreme eagerness for sex once we're married. She basically has said she's been patient for a long time and now it's her time and there's nothing wrong with it b/c the body is an adult and we'll be married, so everyone else just needs to deal.

As long as I've known her she's wanted to push the envelope. She considered herself to be 21 years old long before the body was actually 21. Nothing was out of reach or illegal for her. Over most of the last 10 years, overwhelming negative reactions to her behaviors by parts inside has mostly kept her in line. The "consequences" weren't worth the fun. She also is able to recognize that doing something illegal would not be smart. I guess I just always assumed and characterized her as the part that just wanted to have fun and didn't want to be bound by rules.

A lot more than that came out in therapy today. Therapist managed to break through her happy-go-lucky exterior and get to some much deeper things I never knew existed. Turns out she's excited to have sex b/c she realizes the power she has as a woman over men in that department. She could really care less about sex itself or the pleasure that may come from it. She could really care less about fiance. He's just the man in our life that is available. She couldn't even remember his name half of the time she was talking.

She also talked about wanting to use this "power" to hurt fiance - emotionally. She wants to feel powerful and in control. She sees no issue with this other than she can recognize that we DO NOT agree with her and could hear what therapist has to say. However, there seems to be no moral compass or guilt in these thoughts for her. I know she's not on a mission to hurt fiance, per say. He's neither here nor there to her. It could very easily be a different man. But this hurts my heart so much!!

I love fiance' more than I can put in to words. I can't imagine any part of me hurting him on purpose. I want all of us inside to love him as much as I do.

Given our past, this part's attitude makes sense, and I believe if she continues to work with therapist she can place her anger and desires for power over someone where they belong - on our abuser. However, it's so hard to reconcile that a part of me is not bothered at all by the thought of us hurting another person. I guess I've always felt peace in the fact that I've never been able to fathom how someone hurts another person even if they were hurt themselves b/c this is something I believed none of us struggled with internally.

It's sorta like being introduced to someone you've known for a long time whose motives are not as light or as innocent as you always believed. It's a lot to try and wrap my mind around.

The good news is that I do not believe she will act on these thoughts or desires she has, and I feel safe that we will not hurt anyone in our life. It's just very disconcerting to discover and admit to myself that a part of us feels capable of causing pain to someone else and feeling no guilt over it.

Sometimes I really feel like a stranger to myself.

Too much to do. Not enough sleep.

This pretty much sums up my life over the past week. Nothing horrible has happened, and for that I am very thankful. But I am EXHAUSTED!!!!! I feel like I hit the ground running last Wednesday and haven't stopped. Trying to fit in work, classes, my practicum, intensified wedding planning, bible study, quality time with my fiance', and time with other important people in my life has left me feeling like a chicken with my head cut off..... And with all this going on, I had to give up a therapy session this week (which wasn't the end of the world, but I hate not having time for therapy) and I haven't been able to talk to a good friend who not only helps me unwind and sort through messes in my head that I create from time to time, but also doesn't demand anything from me other than that I just sorta be around.

It's all just normal life stuff this week, and I know part of it is readjusting to a 40+ hour work week and a social life. I had neither of those in the Fall. I also think if I ever got a truly good night's sleep more than once in a blue moon that would help too. It's so frustrating being this tired even when I know it's normal. I hate feeling like I'm going to break down sobbing if I have to do one more thing today. I did back out of tonight's plans b/c I just didn't feel we could handle it. I think that was a smart move and thankfully fiance' was gracious about it, even though I'm not sure he understands.

Hopefully resting tonight and no plans on Saturday will help me function better next week. I'm gonna need the energy. We're about to hit some rough stuff in therapy.

Okay. Going to stop for tonight. Having trouble stringing thoughts together. Think I'll just watch the Olympics. Hopefully chat with my friend and go to bed early.

A little better

I didn't mean for an entire week to go by without posting a blog entry. The good news is that I got some at least temporary relief from last week's issues and got so caught up and busy during this week that I haven't found the time to blog.

One of the key things that I believe has helped me so much more this week came from a realization that I had last week about it being February. Now, I say "I came to a realization" but I'm pretty sure it was a part inside pounding it into my head until I actually listened. Being able to cut myself slack that this is only the 2nd Feb. in 7 years that I haven't been inpatient has really helped a lot. It didn't make anything better, but it helped let off of the shame and guilt I was feeling for not being able to keep things together as well as I'd liked.

I also talked to a very good friend about my fears and shame related to being intimate with my soon to be husband. On one hand I hate that she can absolutely relate to those feelings, but on the other hand, her insight was extremely helpful in helping me keep my thoughts in check so I don't automatically assume the worst.

I spent the weekend with 6 very good girlfriends from college, all of whom are married. The conversations over the weekend helped me better understand what is normal relationship stuff and what are the things I really need to address with fiance. I was amazed at how many things I thought were abnormal to me are very common in most relationships. I guess this is what happens when you've spent most of your life too scared to have a significant relationship with the opposite sex.

The current therapeutic challenge is to help a few parts that are really struggling with the idea of us purposely having sex and it being an okay thing. In fact, just dancing around the topic in session on Monday caused one part to get so upset that I became nauseous and had the old feeling that my body was disgusting. I'm healthy enough not to act on any impulses, but I wanted more than anything to rip my skin off so I could get out of this filth we're forced to live in on a regular basis.

These thoughts kind of freaked me out a bit on Monday. I, at least, don't often feel disgusted in my own body anymore and rarely have impulses to self-harm anymore. I was amazed at how strongly I felt all of these feelings during and after session Monday. Thankfully, they only lasted an hour or so and my external life got busy; I got distracted, and now just plan to leave it contained until Monday's session.

Seems we definitely know where our work needs to go in therapy though. Ugh. I know it's necessary, and I'm on board with doing the work, but I really really hate the work that makes you feel like shit in the process of trying to get to where you feel better. I can only hope and pray that one day I will run out of this type of therapeutic work to do.

February

Who can tell how I'm going to be from one moment to the next? One minute I'm doing tons better and the next I'm a basketcase all over again. I know I need to cut myself some slack. Not only is it that time of the month, but it's the beginning of February. We're smack dead in the middle of winter and here I sit wondering why I'm way more emotional that usual. How quickly I forget.... Up until last Februrary, I spent the 5 Februarys before that inpatient because things got so bad this time of year... and the years before that I probably needed inpatient care but wasn't in a therapy setting decent enough for the therapist to realize it.

Last year was tough, but not inpatient worthy. That was thrilling. I don't feel near needing inpatient help right now either, but in a moment of clarity, I wonder why I'm just now realizing that this is always a hard time of year for me? On top of things coming up in therapy, adjustments fiance and I are both having to make, planning a wedding, and just normal every day crap, I'm in the worst time of the year for me. Duh! No wonder I'm a basketcase.

It doesn't make the pain or depression any less and it doesn't make things easier to deal with, but I think I can start to cut myself a little bit more slack now. I am not turning into some needy, emotional girl who has a secret plan to run her fiance off by draining the life out of him. I realize some of you may almost laugh at that statement, but for a time, I really was afraid I was starting to self-sabotage our relationship b/c so much of the time (even though he's being insensitive and driving me crazy lately) I feel like he's more than I deserve and it's only a matter of time before he wakes up and realizes that.

What I am doing is surviving February the best way we know how at the moment. And while I want to be handling it better, I do need to give shout-outs to everyone inside for working so hard b/c even in this struggle, there are no impulses to self-harm. Just lots and lots of tears!! Tears we can handle. There is also the realization that by the mid to end of March, this will have passed and Spring will be here. Our mood and ability to handle and cope with strong emotions always improves in the Spring and through the Summer.

I talked to a dear friend last night who helped me put fears from my last post into perspective. While I still plan to talk to fiance b/c I want him to understand as much as possible, she helped me to see how many of my thoughts, fears, etc. are still rooted in the PTSD and the shame from the abuse.... and really have nothing to do at all with the current situation or fiance.

Right now I have to trust the people in my life who truly know me/us (the good and the bad) that we will not be dragging fiance into some downward spiral with us b/c we are on our way up. Yes, there are still great struggles, but the progress we've made over the past couple of years only lends to the progress we can continue to make that fiance can share in with us.

I sometimes wonder if abuse victims ever learn well enough that they don't have to be perfect and do everything right and keep to this impossible standard in order to be truly loved and cared about? I know there are people in my life that do that for me, but will I ever get rid of the fear that they may decide to leave one day? Will I ever trust that whether I'm being emotional, irrational, irritating or just a pill, someone else is truly going to stick with me? Are you ever able to let go of the fear that you may run everyone in your life away? And what does that say about me if I believe I actually have the power to do that? Sounds kind of grandiose.

For now, I have therapist, a few very dear friends, family and a fiancee that love me. This is more of a blessing than most of the people I know. I want to learn to cherish this rather than living in fear of losing it. At the same time, I'm going to remember to cut myself some slack. It is February after all.

Didn't Sleep It Off

For the first time in what feels like quite awhile, I wasn't able to sleep last night's feelings off. I woke up feeling pretty miserable this morning. In fact, it was really hard to wake up and I didn't even get out of my pajamas until after noon. I ended up being pretty productive today despite that fact. Actually, once I got going, I really used distraction to my advantage.

My mom called and we talked wedding invitation wording. Then a good friend of mine who is designing my invitations, called and I talked details with her. Tuesday nights are date night with fiancee, so I got busy getting things ready for tonight. I decided to cook a meal and rent a movie. I'm not ready to talk to fiancee yet. If I can't explain what I need or process things okay with therapist right now, it seems impossible I could do so with him. Therapist and I have been together 2 years longer than fiancee and me. She knows things about me that I hope to be as open with him about, but he doesn't know yet. She has never judged me harshly no matter what horrid things I may have shared with her. It seems as though I base everyone else's ability to understand and show compassion off of her reaction. That may be wrong, but the feeling is if/until she gets it, how can I expect anyone else to? No matter how much they may love me.

It actually ended up being a nice normal night with fiancee, and I am grateful. I'm feeling better now than I have all day. How quickly I/we forget the safety we feel when he's around. It's so easy to get scared of him or what will happen with him when he's not around for a couple of days. I'm glad we had a 'normal' and fun night tonight. Things are so busy right now it seems we're either always talking wedding stuff or relationship stuff. I want some fun times so he won't be afraid every time we're together equals a major conversation. I need some fun with him too. Having dinner and a movie kept us busy and entertained enough that I don't believe he was able to pick up on the internal struggle - and like I said, we were feeling a bit better by the time he left. Not because anything has changed, but just because we had a nice night with him.

I still feel everything I did in the posts last night. Therapist and I will for sure have lots to talk about tomorrow and I see many many more tears in my near future. It's been awhile since we've had to sit with such a strong inner turmoil. I'm really proud of us that there have been no impulses or desires to act on anything unsafe. I'm also kinda glad we're allowing these feelings to be (in all honesty, it seems to be because I can't put them away). It is definitely not fun and it is making some everyday things difficult, but it's going to make us work through them sooner rather than later if we can't ignore them.

Tomorrow will be my first day working as a counselor when my own issues feel they have the potential to interfere with my ability to help my clients. I've had struggles in my personal life while in this job, sure, but they were external issues with other people. They weren't abuse related issues and they didn't cause such intense reactions from soooo many parts inside.

It took everything in me to not call therapist today and cry into the phone about everything we blogged about here and ask for reassurance. I know she wouldn't have minded if we did call, but I guess we felt inconsolable and we weren't in crisis, so it seemed pointless. I don't think she could convince us of anything different and what would it benefit her arguing with us on the phone for 15 minutes while we sob that it's just too much and she just can't understand?..... Even though, we really do think she gets it.

This dull nauseous feeling in my stomach is getting old too. How did I function for years with a feeling like this in my stomach? Does it feel worse now b/c it reminds me of those really dark days? Or was I just blessed to grow unaccustomed to the feeling I am now having again? Either way, I'm going to trust and pray this will be short term. I am also fervently praying for wisdom and reassurance from God on how to handle things internally and externally. This will NOT consume my life long term.

Part II

In case I'm posting these entries too close together, the first part of this entry is entitled: Clear as Mud.

Assuming default mode passes in time, we've got to come up with a way to handle the current situation. A couple of ideas come to mind, but I don't know if they're good ones or not. Obviously, therapist and I will continue to work on things in therapy and she can talk with parts who have fears, concerns, memories, etc.

The other options I have so far:
1. Keep boundaries the way they are, inform fiancee of my fears, and pray harder than I ever have that God will take care of all of our needs so that sex is not the issue I see it being right now by the time our wedding actually rolls around.

2. Talk to fiance about the possibility of relaxing our physical boundaries a bit so that we can continue to slowly adjust to being more physical with him over a longer period of time.

While I truly believe my God is great enough to allow the first to happen, both of these feel manipulative towards fiancee on my end. Either I think he's not totally going to "get it" until after he says, I do. Or I'm asking him to potentially adjust his moral standards for my benefit.

And again I default back to how this whole situation would just be easier if I wasn't alive. Fiance could find a girl who can love him with all of her, who won't always having her past come up and bite hard during times that are supposed to be the happiest, who won't always feel so needy and insecure whether she tells you about it or not.

I know for so many years I walked around this and even more turmoil on me and held down a job and/or school, frienships, etc, but right now, for the life of me, I have no idea how. Things are shut down here tomorrow because of snow, and I am so thrilled that I don't have to go anywhere or be anything b/c honestly, I don't feel I could fake it right now.

Clear as Mud

Yep. That's about how clear everthing feels in my head right now. Before I proceed, I should probably preface this entry with

*TW S*xual Content* - please read at a time when you feel you are in a safe place.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

Despite my intial reasons for creating this blog to be an online journal to discuss my healing and issues around the childhood abuse we suffered, I very rarely speak on anything specfically related to this content. In all honesty, I believe it's more of an attempt to spare myself than anyone else. I only started this blog a year ago. It's been almost 2 years that I've been in a pretty good place. I think days that remind me of the dark spaces I've been in lead me to not want to blog and to distract and to forget as soon as possible. I like my new "healthy" happy life not overrun by utter despair, pain and desperation.

Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) we've entered into a space, a set of therapeutic work that needs to be done, that is going to make it impossible to try and stay in my nice little bubble. Vacation is over. It's time to put the gloves back on and enter the ring again. Ugh.

I know I mention fiancee a lot in my blogs, but typically it's about how something he said or did affected me emotionally. He is involved in my current issue, but more indirectly as this has nothing to do with anything he's done right or wrong or even anything he's completely aware of at the moment.

Our wedding is in 3 months and 29 days! I am so excited! Final details for invitations are coming together, bridesmaids dresses and tuxes have been ordered, wedding bands picked out, etc. I am so excited to be marrying fiancee!!! I/we are not excited about the wedding night. We never have been, but we've been working hard on our own and talking through some things in therapy. I thought we were making great progress (and I think maybe we were) until some progress we made this weekend sent my mind spinning. We contained everything until therapy today, but then when it was a safe place to talk about anything and everything with someone who has never judged us, it felt as if all hell broke lose in my head.

Let me back up just a bit. I don't judge other couples' physical decisions in their relationships. I think each couple needs to make that decision for themselves. However, based upon the way I was raised and fiancee and mine's spiritual beliefs, he and I have decided to wait until we're married to have sex. In fact, most would be surprised to find out how strict our physical boundaries are. This has been fantastic for me in our dating relationship b/c fiancee has never done anything to physically trigger me or any other part. We feel safe with him and feel respected when it comes to our body. In less than 4 months, technically, all boundaries are gone. Now, fiancee will respect whatever I need and am comfortable with, but at the same time, the poor guy will have waited 2 years to have sex with me. What kind of a wedding night will it be if I say "No thanks, can we just make out instead?" or if we follow through and then I end up in a flashback or overcome by guilt and shame afterwards - not b/c of anything to do with him but because it reminds me of all of those times as a child when..... well, I'm sure you can fill in the blank.

So, this weekend I tried a few, um exercises with the goal of hoping to make some things we're fearing less scary. The good news is that things went better than expected. That's also the bad news. You'd think by now that things that seem to solidify the abuse would make me feel better in the sense that I know I'm not making any of it up, but it doesn't. All of these old painful memories resurfaced instead and I find myself mourning so many things I thought I'd mourned all over again. In addition, it felt wrong that I didn't mind some things. My mind knows that sex and sexual acts are supposed to be pleasurable things, but I still feel such guilt when I enjoy something.

Some of this, I believe, is due to a 10 year old part who found pleasure in certain acts when the body was a child and carries an immense amount of guilt over this. As much as she's trying, she still can't quite comprehend why those same feelings can mean good things now. She knows what happened to us was bad so she thinks having positive feelings about them was bad. To her, it makes no sense that having those feelings in the present can be good. She and therapist talked for a long time tonight. I think some seeds were planted but right now I'm feeling more confused than ever.

Right now this feels like a lose/lose situation. Either when we have sex with fiance we do okay and even potentially enjoy it (if not the first time, at some point) which will lead to immense guilt and shame - none of which will be his fault; or we will freak out, not have sex, and poor fiancee will have to help us pick up the pieces from whatever memory or flashback came up.

Therapist says we're on a tough road but we can do this and there is a way to have sexual pleasure without feeling extreme guilt and/or to not freak out when husband will go to our "no zones" (those places off limits, at least until the wedding night). Because she says it, I believe her. However, right now I feel trapped. I don't feel there's a good way out of this situation and I'm frustrated b/c we've entered into default mode. Default mode is where we start thinking how if we were just dead then this whole issue would go away from everyone. To clarify.. These are NOT the same as our suicidal thoughts. Default mode just means we go into thinking how we and everyone else in our lives would be better off if we were just dead. It feels like we're on the verge of pulling fiancee down into this spiral with us and I want so bad to spare him. I can't imagine living without him though. Haven't we made enough people hurt with us in this process? I feel like we've tried to warn him, but he just doesn't see, and one day soon, he's going to get knocked upside the head with the reality of how screwed up everything in my head still is no matter how many days or months in a row I may appear "normal".

This is getting long and I need to take a break. Part II will follow.

Almost a week

I didn't mean for almost a week to go by before I blogged again. It's not like it's been an uneventful week. For some reason, I just haven't made the time to blog. A couple of times it was because after I talked to friends and therapist, I felt too exhausted to rehash everything in a blog entry. It was very beneficial for me to get immediate feedback, but not so good for blogging purpose, because now everything will just be an abbreviated version, almost more like a documentation.

Most of my ups and downs this week revolve around fiance. I guess that's not too surprising to some of you. That would be "normal" everyday issues that most people deal with in any significant relationship in their lives.

On Friday, fiance was the greatest man alive. On Sunday, I wanted to kick him to the curb. By Tuesday, we were back to us - or as close to us as we have been since he returned from Afghanistan. I am very much learning it is going to take a lot longer than the month the military said it would take fiance to readjust to life here and to readjust to having a significant female in his life again. This is not so cool ever, but especially when you and parts inside still struggle so much internally with self-esteem issues. Thankfully we have therapist, good friends, and an ever improving fiance to make up for the times fiance is a total jerk.

Friday, fiance volunteered to give me money I wanted to give a friend who was in need of help. He has never met my friend face to face, but because he could tell how important it was to me, he gave me the money and told me to tell my friend it was a gift and she didn't have to worry about paying it back..... He's generous and I love that!

Sunday night he basically told me there's tons of stuff he wants to do, and so he's only going to hang out with me on Tuesdays and then Sunday evenings b/c of church and he didn't want me to plan any trips for the weekends b/c he wanted that time free to do what he wanted to do. He's struggling to share his life with me again and selfishness of his time. While he didn't have much free time when he was deployed, he could spend that time however he wanted and didn't have to be concerned with anyone else's feelings. He was around men 24/7 and is not only having to learn how to interact with a woman again but is having to learn how to go back to us being a "we" and that he's not just a "he" anymore. We're a team. After lots of tears on my part and confusion on his part, we sort of reached a stalemate.

I spent lots of time on Monday in prayer and consulted a couple of friends who I know have been in similar situations. They helped validate my feelings and also helped remind me of what a huge adjustment he's going through and while my expectations are not wrong, I need to have more patience. I don't think he's able to meet them all right now (even though he used to be able to), and if I ask too much too soon, I may inadvertantly push him farther away. With this in mind, I've institutde an unconditional love, increased patience approach. The hope is that he will see I really am in this for the long haul and in time, he'll begin to return the more attentive man I fell in love with. At the same time, I'm not going to let him walk all over me or not continue to make him aware when he uses insensitive words. He can still learn how to recommunicate without me holding a grudge.

I think both of us are going to fail miserably at this from time to time. I will get my feelings hurt "too easy" in his mind and he will be "incredibly insensitive" in my mind. The best thing I can say about this though is that even though we've had our struggles since he's been home, neither one of us are having second thoughts about getting married... We're just going through a few bumps... and better to learn this stuff about each other before we say 'I do' rather than being suprised after the fact.

Anyways, all that to say, we still have a ways to go in learning each other again and finding ways to communicate better again, but it's nice to feel solid in our relationship tonight.

I tell you one thing, back when I was completely consumed and overwhelmed by not "normal people issues", I had no idea how hard and challenging just normal people issues can be. I sure am learning a lot these days!!!!

Even now

Tonight is a frustrating night for me. Not because there's anything going on that I can't handle, but it's the fact that I am. If you are like me, I tend to feel particularly guilty when I'm feeling sad or depressed and I am acutely aware of all of my blessings at the same time. Tonight, I sit here feeling like I'm wallowing in sadness, depression, and self-pity but all I have to do is turn on the TV and see all of the hurting people in Haiti who have lost loved ones, homes, are injured. My first reaction is guilt and a question "Why can't I get over myself?"

My second reaction to tonight is wondering why I'm feeling this sad and this down. Today was just a normal day. Nothing bad happened today. In fact, a co-worker who I've been getting closer to lately and I had a great conversation today. I told her some about my past and she mentioned having a really good friend who was DID. I was feeling so comfortable with her that I told her I was DID as well. She responded great. Thought it was pretty cool. And we both gave the glory to God for not only surviving as a child and having the "gift" of DID but that he has brought me to the place I am now that is not fully healed, but is a place where I can work as a therapist myself and I can get married and I can be normal in most situations.

I sort of wonder if this at least part of the reason for the feelings tonight, but that doesn't make sense to me. It was SO NICE to talk to someone who is not DID and not my therapist who still understood. Also, being as she's a young PhD, it was nice to give her the heads up of things that will help and hurt her and her clients should she ever decide to work with the DID population. Maybe save her from making the same mistakes Dr. Morris did with me right out of her doctoral program.

Maybe the feelings are due to rainy weather the past couple of days. Maybe some of it is that I was going to have to drive myself onto Post tonight to go to Bible Study. For those of you who have never been on a military post. If you don't have a car sticker, you have to get a temporary pass, which is sort of a pain. After obtaining that, I was going to be driving around the post in the dark trying to find this one specific chapel. Normally, I ride with fiancee there, but he was going with some men to walk through barracks and try and recruit others to come to Bible Study. This is totally not cool for me, but then I think my convenience should not be the priority here. If Fiancee and the men with him get one new person to come to Bible Study, then that should be what's important. But I just couldn't bring myself to drive myself across town, get the gate pass and track down the chapel tonight.

We're under a severe thunderstorm warning tonight, so I used that as my excuse to fiancee as to why I would not be meeting him at Bible Study. He called and volunteered to come pick me up so I wouldn't have to drive. Of course, I couldn't let him do that. Then he wouldn't get to go through the barracks and recruit. Of course, he was so sweet and said that he didn't mind. He asked if everything else was okay. I just told him I didn't want to get out tonight. Why didn't I tell him that I don't want to go to Bible Study tonight b/c I feel so bad? I drive in watches and warnings all the time. That was just a convenient excuse. Why didn't I tell him that I'm feeling sad and down? Didn't I just post yesterday about my desire to be honest and open with him? Wasn't that a great time for me to prove it?

Maybe it's b/c I don't really know why I feel this way tonight, and I find it so hard to explain that to someone when I can't tell them why I feel the way I feel. All I know is I haven't felt this sad or this low in months, and it's awful!!!! All I can do is sit here and cry and freakin' blog. Don't even feel like I can call anyone on the phone.

I feel like such an idiot right now.

Fiance came with me to therapy

I can't say the session went how I hoped or anticipated, but I am happy to report that I believe it went well, and I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The original plan was to help fiancee gain a good understanding of PTSD as it relates to childhood abuse and help him understand the need for me to still be in therapy. If all that went well and there was time, we were going to begin to broach the whole DID thing.

I'm not sure how well we succeeded in him really understanding PTSD. I'm not sure you can unless you're someone who has it or a therapist who works with it on a daily basis. However, he did seem to get a better grasp of why I still need therapy. Fiancee met me after my last hospitalization, after I was no longer struggling with self-injury and after all of my suicidal ideations has passed. He hasn't seen me in a true struggle and he doesn't understand where I've come from to understand that while we have made tons of progress, we still have a ways to go. I think we were able to at least help him understand a little about why therapy is still necessary and reassure him that I'm not going to stay in therapy for the rest of my life just to be in therapy. I did tell him that I would not put myself on a "healing timeline" and that I couldn't tell him when I wouldn't need/want therapy anymore. That was a decision therapist and I would make together at the appropriate time.

Since he didn't feel the need to ask any questions and had very few comments, I decided to plug on. I laid the groundwork for explaining DID by telling him how my mind was compartmentalized as a child as means of functioning through the abuse. Different compartments in my mind hold thoughts or memories or feelings and they are accessed at different times and are of different levels of intensity and that the eventual goal is for the seperation to not be so great but more fluid. I didn't go as far as to tell him these "compartments" have names and vary in age and have their own thoughts and opinions. We didn't want to freak the poor guy out. This was the first time he'd ever been in a therapist's office.

I also made it clear to him (since he kept saying he was only coming b/c I asked him to) that my goal in him coming was to make sure he knew I was making my best efforts to not have any secrets from him before our marriage. Obviously, we won't know everything about each other before marriage, but I never wanted him to feel or say that I was not the genuine me with him before marriage or I didn't give him the opportunity to talk about or ask about anything from my past that he wanted to before we said "I do."

He didn't skip a beat in saying he understood and that he appreciated what I was doing. At the same time, he didn't ask a single question or really make any statements of his own. So, not exactly what I expected, but I feel I fulfilled my "duty to warn" him before our wedding, so I'm feeling a huge weight is gone.

After we left therapy he wanted to go to Men's Warehouse and pick out his tux for the wedding, so we did. I guess this means I can happily report that we're still getting married and while he doesn't understand everything now, he's willing to deal with and try to understand things as they come up.

We'll see...

Fiancee is coming to therapy

Fiancee is coming with me to therapy on Monday afternoon. Eek! Therapist and I talked about this today, and the goal for Monday is just to help fiancee truly understand how PTSD manifests itself in someone who was sexually abused as a child and what that can mean in general for an adult. From there, I'll hopefully be able to explain more about how the PTSD manifests itself specifically in me, including the dissociation. I want him to not only understand current and potential struggles, but I want him to have an idea of where I've been, so he can share in my victories as well.

We have always been our true selves around him to the best of our ability, but because he has no understanding of childhood abuse or PTSD, there is so much he just can't understand until it's explained. I get so emotional talking about it b/c it is so personal, so therapist is going to explain it to him as a professional. Then I can relate my specific struggles to him either with her or just the two of us as it seems appropriate.

When I told him I wanted him to come b/c I wanted to make sure that he knew I was wanting to be completely open with him and that I never want him to think that I withheld some information from him and that it was really important to me, he readily agreed to come. I completely know that right now he's doing it for me and not because he wants to come. I really appreciate that he's sweet like that. I know he doesn't understand at all right now why it's so important that he meet therapist or that he understand more of my world, but I appreciate that he's willing to come because he sees how important it is to me that he comes. I also believe he will see things a lot different after we meet with therapist. Knowing him, he will need a day or two to process things before he and I talk about anything that may come up, but I think it really will help me make a lot more sense to him in ways he doesn't even understand yet.

For those of you that pray, please pray that his mind will be open and God will grant therapist and me the right words and the right amount of information to share with him in the session so that he understands and is not overwhelmed. I know my God is great and anything we ask for in his name he will give us, but I also know the more people praying, the better!!!!!!

Work/classes start tomorrow. I don't actually have a class till next week, but I will be returning to work in the Counseling Center tomorrow. It's exciting and scary. Who knows what has happened to the students over the holidays and what I might walk in to tomorrow.

One day at a time though. For tonight it's dinner, laundry, and relaxation!!!

Almost time

I talked to a great friend on the phone last night. I am amazed at the amount of challenges facing her daily and how well she is coping considering everything. All the skills we've learned from inpatient stays, talking to others who have been through similiar situations, in therapy..... she has to put all of that into practice everyday just to get through and she does! I have such respect and appreciation for her. And on top of everything else, for some reason she still loves to hear me ramble about the somtimes funny, sometimes stressful, but not near as overwhelming daily goings in my life.

Vacation will be over in 4 days. Therapy will start back up. School/work will resume. Fiancee and I will find a "normal" routine rather than things always being chaotic and traveling all of the time. That's why I entitled this entry "almost time".

It's almost time to get back to the grind... and mostly with this I'm referring to therapy. We've been functioning really well on vacation, but things have been strangely quiet in my head as well, and while parts are still present and make themselves know, no out right switching has happend (as far as I'm aware). Now, I'm not complaining about this, but there is no explainable reason for this to last long term. Things that I know need to be addressed before this can become our norm have not been addressed.

Still gotta have the talk with fiancee about us being DID. We're feeling better and better about it. I think we'll make sense to him once he knows, but I still think there's a lot to be said about discussing things at the right time and place. Gotta lot of things to work through before the wedding in 4 1/2 months. I think more than anything it will be trusting fiancee with everything. We will be under the same roof every night and it will be much harder for him to just not be around to experience some of my/our more interesting moments. Also, we do want to trust him (well, like we trust therapist). There is nothing we don't tell therapist - unless for some reason we just forget to tell her. I want everyone in my system to trust fiancee like we trust therapist. I don't want fiancee to do therapist's job, but I want everyone to know he is safe and that he respects all of us.

I think the trust thing won't fully happen by the wedding. We've been with therapist a little over 3 1/2 years to get to this point - and that was with us purposely meeting with her to share our "horrible" secrets. Still, I DO NOT want to enter a marriage feeling the need to hide anything about me/us. I think we're on the path for all of this to happen, but it means I'm going to have to buckle down and really help parts share and allow them time in therapy and out of therapy rather than just riding the wave that I've been on for the past month. It's been a nice wave, but in the long run, I know it is not the healthiest thing for our system.

So, here's to 4 more days of riding the wave, and then back to grind and continuing on the healing journey so all parts can experience the relief I experience fairly regularly now.