Balancing Life and Therapy: Part II

This is the second part of the last post. I broke it into two parts b/c I was afraid it was getting too long.

Continuing...

In the winter of 2008, I hit rock bottom. Everything I had tried to rescue my life and my future seemed to fail. I'd spent 10 years in therapy, 3 years totally devoted to therapy, and I was still in and out of hospitals and no more closer having the life I wanted than when I started.

I have to give credit to the changes that took place in the winter/spring of 2008 to God. Sure, I worked my tail off, but the changes for me happened when I quit trying how to figure out how to make things better myself and I turned the 'how' over to Him. In the past 3 years, I've manged to make some good progress in therapy and do things I never thought possible in my life. I got a full-time job and did great there. I met an amazing man, fell in love, got married, and am actually in a healthy relationship. I went back to school and got a 2nd graduate degree and enjoyed going to school.

I've needed to deal with some more serious therapeutic work the past few months as new events in life have awakened new triggers, memories, feelings, etc. I so wanted to be done with the space in my life where my past makes my present difficult. I wanted to get back into the train of thought that you can knock out this type of therapy and then just go on with your life like nothing ever happened for the rest of your life. What I am learning is that I now believe this type of therapy may be a life long work. Different phases in life will present with new blessing and new challenges and new triggers. If I fully wait to live my life until I get everything fixed, I'll be dead from old age before I can start living. On the flip side, I've learned the hard way how things just continue and continue to deteriorate if I try to just live life and not take my past and perceptions into account in my present day life.

The past couple of weeks I've been thinking back over the last almost 13 years of therapy and life.... I believe I've learned that there are times in my life when I will need to slow down, cut back, be more internally focused. However, this does not mean for years on end. At other times, my past won't be as pervasive in my present. In these life periods, it's great for me to do the things I want to do and desire to do with my life. I can do both life and therapy as long as I'm smart about it and recognize the signs.

The reason getting married and going back to school went so well and are not considered distractions from dealing with my past are b/c I wasn't running from anything at that time. It was a great time in life for these experiences. I'm even more fully aware of this because of the challenges and struggles I'm facing right now. Going to school right now or starting a family with my husband right now would be distractions to not have to work through the painful issues that have recently presented in therapy. It doesn't mean I will never have a family or get my PhD. It means not now, and I'm learning that listening to my body and to God on when to focus on what means a healthier life for me all the way around.

At times I feel I can't catch up in life for getting behind. My younger (and only) sister is pregnant. I'm thrilled for her, but I sometimes get hit with waves of jealousy. I'm 3 1/2 years older than her. I was supposed to get married first, have the first grandchild, etc. All of my friends are having their 2nd kids, are established in their careers... doing all of the 'normal' life stuff.

In these moments, I have to take a step back. I have to remember that the only timetable I have to be on is my own.. not society's. I'm getting better and better about learning to actually live my life and not survive it. It may not look how I thought my life would look at 30, but it is way better than I really dreamt it would be. My life is good. There are so major internal struggles right now. Lately, the days have felt almost impossible. Yet, I know this is a season and in the right time, my husband and I will enjoy a family, and I can have the job I've always wanted, and fulfill any other dreams I have in my life. For now, I need to focus on the current therapeutic issues enough to get back to a place where my current, external life holds more meaning again.

I know these last two posts have been long, but I guess I've just been thinking that if I've needed to hear this message so much lately, maybe others out there have too. So my big take away from all that I've written is: It is possible to have the life you want and to do the therapeutic work you may need throughout your life. They don't have to be mutually exclusive. You'll just have to learn the balance that works for you.

5 Year Anniversary!!

5 years ago today I walked into therapist's office for the very first time feeling discouraged, defeated, but not completely without fight. I didn't really believe therapist could help me, but I knew finding a therapist was my only hope at survival at the time. If I couldn't find a therapist, I truly felt that my symptoms would kill me... and in all honesty, there's a very good chance they would have.

Therapist has been amazing from the beginning. She hasn't always been an expert on DID, but she read and learned and talked to people who had worked with DID and trauma longer. She grew professionally as I grew to trust her. In the beginning I was convinced that she was too naive to know that I would be too much for her, and it would only be a matter of time before she came to that realization herself. No other therapist had been able to stick it out with me, and I knew I hadn't even hit the worst of it yet. PRAISE GOD SHE PROVED ME WRONG!!!!! She has walked through more fires with me than all of my other therapists combined and never once hinted about needing to refer me on to someone else. She never once suggested that maybe she couldn't help me... even on days that neither one of us were quite sure what the best move would be. This commitment on her end was what I needed more than anything. Truly knowing that she was walking this road with me no matter how many road blocks, dead ends, and mountains we hit. See, we finally have this person in our life who knows our deepest, darkest secrets, who has put up with tests, games, and gazillions of questions trying to push her away before we got too attached, and still cares about us and even likes us! My brain says this shouldn't be possible for me, but she's proved it year after year after year.

Today we celebrated 5 years with cupcakes and milk! Every now and then it's nice to take a session to reflect on the journey we've been on together. Today I walked into her office, sat in my spot on the couch, and embraced the safety and comfort that her office has come to provide.... so different than our first meeting 5 years ago. I asked her why she returned my initial call and agreed to meet with me regularly when so many other therapists never returned my calls, refused to meet me b/c of my diagnoses, or bailed after a few sessions. Her response: "You sounded like you really wanted and needed the help." This is my paraphrase of her words, but I was amazed that her response was that simple. I needed help, so she wanted to help. I'm sure her decision making process was more complex than that, but bottom line is that she didn't see my desperate cries for help as a turn off. She wasn't afraid of my diagnoses. And she was up for an awesome challenge, that I truly believe has benefited both of us over the past 5 years.

Therapist is a true gift from God. I pray that every one in therapy can have such an amazing therapist. For those of you who are having trouble finding a good one, DON'T GIVE UP!!! Good therapists are hard to find, but it is so worth the effort and the search. We've seen infinite more healing in the past 5 years than we did during the years prior to that. I know we've done the work, but I know there is no way we could have done it without therapist's support and help.

So... Happy 5 years together Therapist!!!!! Thank you for believing in me... in all of us...

Words

I need words that I don't have.

I am having intense, almost overwhelming feelings, yet I have no idea how to express them. Therapist just asked me if I wanted/needed to talk. I turned her down, because I have no idea what to say. I would LOVE to talk to her, but that's just the problem, I don't have the words. Sitting on the phone with her, just sitting there doesn't really help her know better how to help me.

The only words I have found are that I am struck with an intense anxiety. The kind that has your stomach doing flips constantly. In the past, I would have easily popped an Ativan or a Xanax by now. I don't have a Rx for either one of those anymore, and as much as I'd like the help, I'm glad. I worked so hard to get off those meds, and I haven't needed them in so long. I DO NOT want to go back on them. I gotta find another way to stick this out. The anxiety has been waxing and waning for the past few weeks, but on Thursday morning it hit, and hasn't left.

I haven't let the anxiety stop me from doing anything. Although, I will admit all that I want to do is curl up under a blanket and hide from the world. I'm still making myself get out and do things. I'm not giving into this, but it's getting harder.

The most frustrating part is that I have no idea who internally or what is causing this intense anxiety. It's hard to work on making it better when no one will tell you what the issue is. Having intense feelings and having no idea why you're having them is the worst! It makes me feel so stuck.

So yeah, I can vocalize this part, but this is all the words I have. So, as much as I would love to talk to Therapist right now, I'm not sure there's anything she can do. Plus, it's Saturday. No reason to tie her up sitting on the phone with me. She should at least get to enjoy her day, right?

I've been praying for God to take this away, but He hasn't yet. I do trust that His plan is bigger than mine, but this is still oh so hard! So, all I know to do in the meantime is just to sit with it.

Man this sucks!

A little shakey

Can't place my finger on what's going on inside of me, but I know I'm feeling a little shaky. It's almost like being on an emotional roller coaster ride again, but it's not quite as intense and it seems to be affecting me more than just emotionally.

One minute I am doing well. Another I am in tears. And another I'm almost literally shaking and questioning myself on everything. And then I'll get back to a place where everything feels like it's going pretty well and I'm doing pretty good again. The rapid changes and unpredictability are getting old quickly. I'm just feeling unstable even though I don't know exactly why and it's hard to explain.

I know there's some stuff going on inside that's creating an undercurrent of these feelings, but I believe the intensity is rising. Today in therapy I was talking to therapist, and she asked me a few different times how I really was doing. I kept saying okay b/c at the time I felt a lot better than I did when we talked on Monday and b/c I don't even have the words to explain well what I feel and what's going on. I did wonder why therapist kept asking me. I'm not used to her doing that. I guess b/c I usually fear that if I don't find a way to come right out and tell her everything I'm thinking and feeling, then she'll never know anything is going on. On some level I'm sure this is very true. However, I guess, working together for the past 5 years gives her a window into me than many others can't see. She could tell from my eyes today that there was more stuff going on than what I was sharing, and she actually put words to some of it better than I'd been able to.

I am so glad to know that I don't have to do any of this alone. I have a therapist right there to help me through this, and I have a loving God who is with me 24/7 reminding me that even when I feel utterly unstable, He is forever stable and I rest in His arms. That's a hope and peace I plan to do my best to cling to during a time period when I feel very unstable.

Feeling Alone in a Sea of People who Care

Looking at my life it makes no sense. I am so loved by family, friends (near and far), and by a God greater than I can even comprehend. I have a therapist that has never failed me and will never abandon me as long as she has say so. I have an amazing husband who goes out of his way to show his love for me even while he is in a war zone on the other side of the world. Yet here I sit.... feeling so alone. It's a feeling that has been growing over the past couple of weeks. I can tell you the things that are making me feel more lonely than usual. Maybe it would be helpful to put it all out there. However I'm feeling a little gun shy from even my anonymous blog right now. See, I tried to talk to my mother today, and I tried to talk to a dear friend who I've known since I was 6. Both conversations were failures. Mom didn't seem to understand why things were so upsetting, and my friend didn't see the importance of making the time for me and ended our conversation a bit abruptly while I was mid-sentence. Another part of it could be that I still need to work on choosing better words to express what I'm trying to share. I know that is lacking, but today was the first time I've tried to vocalize any of this.

I just want to talk to someone and share my struggles and not feel judged... No one flat out condemned me today, but I feel like sharing my true feelings wasn't okay either. I was being corrected... asked why I was feeling that way... told how to make things better... And as much as I'd even like to vaguely address the issues weighing heavy on my heart, at this point I'm wondering if I am making a big deal out of nothing... I've considered myself a huge proponent recently about the importance of not keeping things inside and to oneself. When it's inside of you and no one else knows about it, satan can grab hold and pull you down with those issues. There's no one who is able to help you reality check and see things in true light. But what do you do when you feel shot down and invalidated when you finally share? Even if the comments family and friends made turn out to be truths, how do I get the guts to keep talking about things to be able to process things? When you feel shot down by the people you trust the most, who do you turn to? And what about when there are other people that you trust and you know love you that may have compassion but you feel aren't in a space or don't know enough to be able really talk things out with you? I want someone to talk this stuff out with me. I don't want someone to just listen.

My mind is telling my feelings that God hears. God understands. God will deliver. I do believe this. I truly do. But oh how I'd love someone who I can touch, hear, smell, see, etc. to be available to talk with me and not judge me. So tonight, despite knowing I am loved and cared for, I feel utterly alone, and I'm scared to reach out again.

Satan's Tactics

Last night I had a horrible dream. I've always been a vivid dreamer. My dreams are usually so intricate and detailed, that I am unable to tell that I am dreaming until after I wake up. Many times it takes me awhile after I wake up to fully realize that what just happened was in a dream and not my reality. This morning was one of those mornings. I woke up shaking. I could tell I'd been crying a lot, and for a good 5 minutes, I was convinced my dream was real. Only when I was able to truly realize where I was and what was going on around me did I begin to realize it was a dream and be able to calm down.

Last night I dreamt that my husband was home. He'd been home from deployment for a bit and was daily walking through my current therapy struggles with me. Long story short, in my dream he told me that he'd had enough... that my crazy and my issues were too much for him... he was done.. it was over between us... and there was nothing I can do change his mind. I was heartbroken. The man who has done more to understand than any other man in my life; The man who promised me forever; The man who I adored was walking out. In my dream I was thinking if he wouldn't stay, no one ever will.

Praise God this was only a dream!!! Even though it was a dream, I found myself having a hard time shaking the feelings this morning. I wanted nothing more to call hubby and have him put my mind and heart at ease. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that since he is deployed. Fortunately, I serve a God who is always available. As I turned to God to relieve my pain and fears from this dream, I got hit with a couple of realities:

1. I didn't reach for God first to calm my fears. I was looking for human comfort first. Now, I believe human comfort is good and very much needed. However, I've been learning over the past several years that human comfort doesn't compare to the peace and contentment that God can provide. I'm not beating myself up over this, but it was a good reality check and a good opportunity to refocus my mind on God first and on my family and friends second.

2. Satan uses anything he can to undermine anything positive and healthy in our lives. When I think back over my life, dreams/nightmares are a way that satan has always reached me and tormented me. It's pretty creative and sneaky to attack me in my sleep.. to plant doubts, fears, and horrors in my mind while I sleep. These type of attacks are so much harder to recognize and combat than the obvious and blatant ones. I have no doubt that satan knows this and uses it to his advantage.

These two realities, while not fun, really helped me to regain focus this morning, reality test the dream and put satan back in his place. I ended up having a pretty decent day today. In the past, I would have stayed debilitated internally by a dream like this, but today we let it go and trusted God that he was watching over us, our husband, and the truth.

I count this as a victory, but I wish sometimes there weren't so many battles to fight. The only promise any of us have been given though is that God will see us through all of them and He has won them all. Praise Him for that!

This is Tough

So, I'm still here. The past 4 days have been tough. Moving A. into a room in the common area has allowed us to take better care of her, but her emotions are so painful and so intense, it's really taking a toll on everyone inside. Externally I'm still functioning and participating in life rather well. Internally, the anxiety and sadness is almost overwhelming. I'm able to still reality check well, and that's been invaluable this week b/c nowhere feels safe anymore. Everywhere feels too exposed - even therapist's office, which has always been a safe haven.

Saw therapist today. We spent a lot of our session talking about where I feel I am and how I can continue to cope okay externally while allowing A. and other parts to do the work they need to do in order to heal. I was pleased that I could tell therapist that I feel I'm still doing better than just surviving from session to session. However, I do have to admit that I'm not really 'living life' right now either. It's somewhere between the two. I'm okay being here now knowing that it's temporary. There is fear that if the feelings last too long at this intensity, we will fall into the state of just surviving. However, at therapist's suggestion, we're not going to worry about that right now. Right now things are still manageable, so that's what we're going to focus on.

The time between sessions just feels really hard when I'm at a place where the therapeutic work needing to be done isn't really something I should attempt on my own or outside of a session. We're dedicated to helping A. through this process, but I so don't want my life to return to a place of revolving around therapy again - even temporarily.

I'm also working on coming up with an adjective to describe the state I'm in. Words seem to escape me. Therapist won't let me use the term 'crazy' unless I'm 100% joking. I know I'm not really crazy, but many times I feel that way still, so I can't use that word. Irrational doesn't do the situation justice, so I can't use that word either. Therapist said I'm in a 'traumatic state'... My symptoms are classic PTSD. Maybe so, but that's not an easy term to say to other people. "Don't mind me right now. I'm in a traumatic state." LOL! Soooo much easier to just say I'm crazy for right now.....

The last thing therapist and I talked about today was how I can fill hubby in on what's going on. I don't want to keep him in the dark, but I don't want him to worry about me while he's deployed. We never get to talk long enough or have a clear enough signal for this type of conversation. I don't want him to miss something I say and get confused or overly concerned. So, we've settled on sending him an e-mail to get all of the information to him, and we'll hopefully be able to follow up with phone calls and Skyping so he can see that I am okay and that while things may be rough, I'm still progressing.

I wish so badly husband was here to walk this with me. How ironic that this latest set of work was triggered by him leaving... Going to work on that e-mail over the next couple of days. I want to do my best to keep him in the loop and have him share in this with me without freaking him out or making him feel guilty for leaving. He is such a blessing to me. He's always loved me as I am, and I want nothing more than to continue to share the 'scary' parts of my life with him. The love that husband shows me, even I think he should think I'm crazy and he should run away is a gift I never thought I'd have. Sometimes I think I cherish it so much, that I do get afraid I'm going to still run him off... So, I will spend forever crafting this e-mail to make sure it portrays the real issues, but in a way that will make sense to him and still highlighting all of the positives.

For now though, we need sleep. More to come.

Ask Me How I Know...

Amy Grant released the song 'Ask Me How I Know' in 1991 on her Heart In Motion CD. For a few of different reasons this song has been going through my head almost constantly for the past several days. First of all, in 1991, Amy Grant was my most favorite singer on the planet. I knew all of her songs by heart. I'd seen her in concert and had an autographed picture framed and on my bedroom wall. Secondly, the first time I heard this song, it struck me in a funny way. I had blocked all memory of my childhood abuse at this point, but I still found myself strangely drawn to and repulsed by the lyrics in this song at the same time. They struck a painful chord inside of me that I wouldn't understand for about 6 more years. In the past several days, this song has been playing through my head b/c more painful feelings and memories have surfaced again and these lyrics seem to fit oh so well. Below is the first part of the song:


I see her as a little girl hiding in her room
She takes another bath and she sprays her momma's perfume
To try to wipe away the scent he left behind
But it haunts her mind.

You see she's his little rag, nothing more than just a waif
And he's mopping up his need, she is tired and afraid
Maybe she'll find a way through these awful years to disappear.

Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heavens
I see no mercy and no one down here's naming names
Nobody's naming names.


Having DID can be quite interesting at times. While I have made so much progress in therapy and in my healing, other parts inside of me stay buried deep most of the time and are stuck either in the past or still in the place of hopeless despair that I found myself in 3 years ago. On Monday, therapist talked to one of these parts. Our session turned into a 2 hour session of stopping flashbacks, quieting old tapes and messages, and trying to help this part begin to get some sort of footing in the present. While my faith in God is strong and runs deep, somehow she has not been blessed to know God or His healing grace yet. The first part of Amy Grant's song really reminds me of where she is right now. She wonders where was God? She wonders where was anyone? Why did no one tell and no one save her?

This part cried harder than I'd ever seen her cry before. She actually grieved her pain and what has happened to her in front of therapist. While it has been incredibly taxing on me and the entire system, it's kinda cool that she is finally opening up to someone about what she really thinks and feels after 12 years of therapy. It's very hard to sit with her feelings of anxiety, vulnerability, sadness, etc., but I'm doing my best to be okay in this space. I can't expect her to catch up on the past 21 years of my/our life in 3 days or develop a solid faith in God that fast to provide her with peace. I definitely feel the resiliency from other parts and myself who have found differing levels of healing, and that is a HUGE help. However, this is still wickedly painful, and while I truly believe this is worth it, I think we're going to have a long slow road going forward for a bit.... but praise God I'm at least moving forward, right??

The 2nd half of Amy Grant's song basically shares this same thought. The girl in the song is not fully healed. She still struggles with fear and mistrust, but God is bringing her healing. God is giving her a new life. The life she never got to have as a child.... and while it's a tough road, it's a pretty, stinkin' awesome one.

Now she's looking in the mirror at a lovely woman face
No more frightened little girl, like she's gone without a trace
Still she leaves the light burning in the hall
It's hard to sleep at all.

Still she crawls up in her bed acting quiet as a mouse
Deep inside she's listening for a creaking in the house
But noone's left to harm her, she's finally safe and sound
There's a peace she's found.

Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heavens
She said His mercy is bringing her life again.

Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heaven
(How do you know?)
Where did He go in the middle of her shame
(Where did He go?)
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
She said his mercy is bringing her life again
She's coming to life again.

He's in the middle of her pain
In the middle of her shame
Mercy brings life
He's in the middle
Mercy in the middle.

So ask me how I know
Ask me how I know, yeah
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heaven
(How do you know?)
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
Yeah, ask me how I know
(How do you know?)
Ask me
Ask me
Ask me how I know
(How do you know?)
There's a God up in the heavens
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens.

This is the video on Youtube if you'd like to hear the song.

And the Nightmares Return

I had wishingly hoped my nightmares had stopped forever. I've always been a dreamer. Six our of seven days a week, I can tell you what I dreamt about the night before. Forever they were nightmares or flashbacks in my dreams. However, over the last year or so, most of them had been silly or nonsensical dreams - and usually based around something going on in my current life.

Three nights running now I've had nightmares again. The kind that are a mix of flashbacks, current people, and stuff that hasn't or doesn't currently exist in my life. So, on one hand, when I wake up, I can tell that these dreams are not totally real events that occurred because past and present and fiction are all blurred together in one dream. On the other hand, the nightmares feel so life-like that I've been waking up in the fetal position, shaking in fear, with a level of anxiety and depression that I haven't felt for a couple of years. Grounding and distraction have helped me get up and get through my days, but nothing is fully shaking the anxiety and looming sense of doom.

I'm getting a better picture of where this may be coming from internally and where this may be headed, but most of it is still very foggy and just trapped in feelings. What I am aware of tells me this isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's gonna be a beast of a ride for a bit. :P

I am still in a much better place with this going on than I have been in the past, but I must admit that I'm wondering... Will I ever talk, heal enough that new waves won't keep cropping up?

I want so badly to talk to hubby... to tell him what's going on... to let him walk this with me to feel supported but to also help him understand some of what I went through before we met. But he's on the other side of the world putting his life on the line every day. The last thing I want is for his attention to be focused on me or worrying about me. I need him to focus on his job so he can come back home to me in one piece. I also am not sure how much he can understand via e-mail and occasional video chatting. Part of me is wondering if telling him will make it harder instead of easier if he can't understand b/c of the distance and lack of communication between us right now.

I can't believe this hurts so much and I feel so alone in this. We've done stuff like this before. We know we can get to the other side of this. But it's been almost 3 years since we felt this badly. I really really thought that part of my life might be over with. I really am ready to move on with my life. Goodness knows I still have enough day to day issues that were keeping me in therapy. Do we really need to go back and cover more of this stuff??

God, please just take this part away. I don't want to go through more nightmares, flashbacks, and memories. I get what happened to us. I haven't tried to deny it in a long time. Please don't make me relive all of it. I feel like I know and have felt enough. Please, please just take this away and replace it with your peace... Your miraculous peace that passes all understanding. Please.

Lack of Words

I've been around the past several days. I've had plenty of time to blog. It's snowing way more than usual this year, and this State isn't used to handling this much snow, so everything's pretty much been shut down since Monday night. I got a bit stir crazy today. The mix of ice and snow made things not safe to get out on unless you had to, so I stayed in today. I only got out for a couple of hours yesterday, and it's questionable if I'll be able to get out tomorrow. Praying that the street scrapers will at least have the main roads cleared tomorrow.

Anyways, all this to say I've had plenty of time to blog, and there are things stirring inside that probably need to be blogged about, but so far I have no words, so I've just been avoiding my blog. Feelings usually come before words with me. It usually means they're someone else's feelings (internally) and I don't have the memories or insights to go with it. It's a slightly scary place to be. It leaves me wondering if I'm about to blindsided by something unexpected. Sometimes these 'dark' feelings inside end up not being as huge as I fear they'll be. Other times they've knocked the wind out of me. It's been awhile since I've had feelings this intense, so it has me a bit nervous. I wish I knew how to better gauge these feelings. I know it'll all come clear with time, but part of me doesn't want it to. I want to push whatever this is back down and continue on with my happier life - the one where my main depressive feelings are related to missing my husband and not rooted in trauma or the abuse.

In all honesty, God has blessed me with a nice reprieve. I do have more energy reserves, and I've had a long period of time that's been relatively good, so I probably have the strength and coping skills to get through whatever this is - big or small. My distractions are less right now too, so it makes more sense that I would be more aware of things internally.

I eluded to as much in therapy on Monday, but I felt very far removed from it felt I might be reading into something that wasn't there. Each day that goes by, things inside are getting harder to ignore. I even spent some time listening today, but all I "hear" is the pain I feel. I have no words, memories, pictures or anything to go with the feelings yet. I like not having those parts of it, but I know I can't work through this and get the feeling out of us until the issue(s) is addressed. I'm really hoping some of this will come out in therapy tomorrow. Maybe if parts won't tell me, they'll tell therapist.

Or maybe if I close my eyes hard enough, it will just all go away.... okay, kidding there.... that one hasn't worked in a really long time...

So I feel like I just wrote a lot and said absolutely nothing. Oh well, at least I put it out there that there's some dark stuff stirring inside of me right now. That's more than I've admitted out loud to anyone else...

A little better today

Just wanted to write a quick update to say that today is going better. Yesterday I stayed in my pj's or on the couch or in my bed all day. My only communications were a couple of phone calls and the Internet. There were times I wanted to reach out more for support and help, but I didn't have any words to put with my pain, and I wasn't sure what would feel comforting to even know what to ask my friends and family for. Maybe I just needed the rest and grief time.

I went to bed by midnight last night - which shows how tired I was since I didn't get up until 1pm yesterday. I did sleep in until 11am today too, but I felt more rested and little more clear-minded today when I did get up. Husband called at 8am and I woke up long enough to talk to him. He's made it to his first destination safely, and it was soooooooooooo good to hear his voice. I am amazed how gradually with time (and I didn't notice it happening while it was) his voice has become a very calming and soothing thing for me (his smell does the same for me too). Hearing his voice on the phone this morning made everything better. It hurt when it was time to hang up with him, but I know even that short phone call has helped put a pep in my step today, and I praise God for that. It wasn't too many years ago that the smell of any man would have sent me running the other direction and nothing about a man was soothing to me. Now (as it should be, but I wondered if it was ever possible) my husband's smell and voice are two of the most soothing things in my life.

If I stop and think too long, I will start crying again. The pain is for sure not gone, and life will take some getting used to. I still brewed enough coffee for both of us this morning before I realized that I'd made too much. One of the habits I'll have to temporarily break.

Thankfully God has blessed me today with beautiful weather (sunny and in the mid 50's) and enough energy and drive to get out in it. Took a 6 mile bike ride today. The sun, fresh air, and energy expenditure was amazing. The fact that I haven't ridden my bike in 6 months meant the cardio was rough and I will pay for it my legs tomorrow. Totally worth it though. This got me motivated to do a few more things around the house that felt totally overwhelming yesterday. Some tasks still feel too overwhelming, but seeing this improvement from yesterday gives me much hope that other tasks will become more do-able over the next several days as well.

Gonna go make myself shower and put on some real clothes now. Time to start living again.

*Sigh*

It's almost 6am. I've been home for about 30 minutes. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally, and I've even made it into bed... But I don't want to lie down and go to sleep. Tonight (well, I guess it's actually day now) I sleep alone. Hubby is away for 6 months, and this is the first 'night' without him. I don't know if I can sleep without another body in the bed.... without him stealing the covers, accidentally elbowing me in the nose, and making funny and annoying noises in his sleep.

My heart just hurts so much. I just keep reminding myself(us) that hubby is going in God's hands. God is in control, and I can pray safety over hubby. Praise God that someone.. that He is in control. I have no control over this situation anymore, and while it was so much harder than last time to let hubby leave today, it is good to find a small amount of comfort knowing that he will never be on his own and that God is on his side.

Hopefully with a couple of good cries and some sleep, I'll feel better and be in a place where I can start to figure out what my "normal" routine is going to be while hubby is gone.

I just keep screaming in my head "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!" And maybe it's not, but life isn't fair. Hubby signed up to do the job he does, and I've known for awhile that today was coming. It hurts for both of us, but I am so proud of him and his commitment. It's totally worth the pain of having to be apart from him to have the honor and joy of being his wife, but that in no way means this pain is easy.

Okay...gonna try to lie down. Think exhaustion may win out soon and I'll sleep anyways.

Night...err...good morning y'all.

Reminders of why to only put full faith in God

The pros of doing multiple Bible studies at the same time is that I am learning more than I expected and I'm being challenged to grow and it's keeping a fire in me lit at a time when my emotions want it to fizzle, so I can just "be."

The cons of doing multiple bible studies at one time is that I currently cannot find in which book and what Scriptures my thoughts for today are coming from because I cannot remember which book the thought was first placed in my head by to share with you, and I'm on a tight schedule right now, but really want to get this posted. So, forgive me for now for not having references. I promise to come back and add them later in the day or sometime in the next few days when I have time to search for them again.

The lesson on my heart the past week has been how I need to put all of my trust and faith in God and not in any human(s). I've had quiet times, scriptures, and supplemental readings all seem to be pointing to this idea. My natural thoughts have been God was sending this to me b/c I'm finding myself having thoughts, like "I can't let hubby deploy b/c I can't function if he leaves." I was independent for several, several years before I ever met husband, so this was a weird feeling for me to have, but it felt very true. I assumed God was gently reminding me that I did just fine before I met hubby; I survived hubby's first deployment; I've survived hubby's month long trainings away from home; and that I can survive this deployment. There is definitely something that changes with marriage, though. Husband and I are two completely different people (sometimes foreign to each other), but there is also something very true to the statement that "two become one". I feel so connected to him that it feels like my heart is ripping out letting him go. I also felt God had been telling me to put my trust in God to take care of hubby. Sending hubby in God's arms and with his protection is definitely comforting, and while my tears seem to be ever flowing, I have been finding peace in this most of the time.

Yesterday God brought this lesson to me on a whole new level. A dear friend of mine since my senior year of high school, a peer that I have always looked up to spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. She married and the mom of two precious girls and has always seemed to know how to do everything just right. Yesterday she called me on the phone and confessed to having been involved in an affair with a married man (her best friend's husband who is also the associate minister at their church) for the past 6 months. If my jaw could have literally hit the floor, it would have. When I asked her what convicted her to share this now, she replied that they'd been caught by the other man's wife. Wow! So, according to her the affair is officially over because "it has to be", but who knows how long it would have gone on if they hadn't gotten caught? Her husband and his wife are devastated, obviously.

I know my friend has been hurting for awhile. She's young (31) and her husband was diagnosed with MS 2 years ago. They have two small children and she's been drained, stressed, and doing everything alone for awhile. However, I am amazed at how well she's been lying to me about this affair for the past 6 months. I had wondered if she might separate from her husband for a time just to get a "break", but I had NO idea she was engaged in an affair. My heart breaks for all of those involved. I told my friend yesterday that I was glad she got caught if that's what it was going to take to end the affair. I told her that I loved her and wasn't going to stop being her friend. This is a great example of separating the sin from the sinner b/c I in no way condone what my friend has done. There is NO excuse good enough. But I still love her, and I will do everything in my power to help her get back on the right path with Christ and then her husband (if he's even interested).

I can't tell you how much this situation hurts, but I do know that God is showing me that even those we hold as "better Christians" than ourselves are susceptible to falling into deep sin. It reminds me that this is why I put my faith in him and not in fellow Christians. It would be tempting to say if this friend could turn her back on God in this way, then what's to keep me from doing the same? She's got it together so much better than I do. This would be foolish on my part though, because it's not about us at all. We only overcome b/c of God and Christ. Keeping my eyes on him, being dependent on him. Leaning on other Christians for support, fellowship, and guidance is still great and needed. But my hope and my trust must reside in God. He is the ONLY one who will never fail. Praise him for that!

Okay. May have gotten on my soapbox a little bit more than intended, but I've just been very struck how two very different situations in my life have reinforced the same lesson from God. So, I felt it was important to share.

Hanging On

Not up to writing much. I don't know if it makes sense to say I have peace about the future, but I'm still going through a great amount of depression and sadness. Hubby deploys sometime at the end of this week. We have a general idea of when, but for safety and security reasons, we probably won't know a definite time until 24 hours out.

He is being so amazing dealing with all of my tears. He even seems to really understand that I know I can let him go and that I will go on with my life while he is away, but NO part of my being wants him to go or wants to let him go. I'm glad he gets this because it helps me feel less guilty like I might be making things worse for him by adding to his plate extra worry about me.

I know God's hand is in this and He has great plans for both of us during our time apart and in our individual mission fields. This part is exciting! Unfortunately, today and the past several days, I've only been able to recognize this at a mental level. Emotionally I'm just a basket case and don't even want to be made to feel better...

Praise God he understands me even when I don't, and that He loves me in the midst of all my humanness.

Frustrated with myself

So I'm still really struggling, and this frustrates me. I don't know if it should or not, but it does. I will say that the sad, depressive feelings fluctuate now, so that's an improvement. Actually, yesterday and today I'm finding that I going along doing pretty well, but that I am extremely sensitive to people's tones, words, and actions right now. I'm always sorta sensitive, but this is way amplified. My mind has the ability to keep things in perspective, but my heart and my gut just feel like they're getting ripped open a lot.

It's not even big things today. Our kitchen faucet broke last night, so I called our apt. managers. They in turn called the plumber who called me back about coming to fix the problem. All of that was well and good, except this plumber had an attitude with me from the get go. I don't know if it's because he was having a rough day or if he assumed I didn't know what I was talking about because I was female, but it was a difficult conversation that left me feeling frustrated because he wasn't listening to me and he was talking to me like I was an idiot. After hanging up with him, I called husband (who was at home) to let him know the repair man would be coming by before 3pm. Hubby answered the phone "Yeah?". I kinda froze on the other end b/c I didn't know how to respond. On one hand my blood was boiling and my feelings were hurt b/c he answered my phone call that way, on another I felt bad b/c it sounded like my phone call was apparently a huge inconvenience and was interrupting something very important. After hanging up the phone with hubby, my emotions tanked.... Depression, tears, lethargy.... I was feeling it all... except I was outside of Wal-Mart and still had to do the grocery shopping.

While going through the store, I prayed to God to help me change my attitude and my feelings. I quoted memorized scripture and reminded myself that I cannot control others, but I can control the way I respond.

So far the only results I've gotten is the ability to get done what needs done and hide the yucky feelings from people who don't need to see it (grocery clerk, lady at Walgreens, etc.). I'm home now. I'm working hard to pull out of this funk. I am able to talk to hubby without sounding depressed or breaking into tears every two seconds, but it truly is a battle.

I know a lot of this is just underlying emotions running rampant about husband deploying in about 10 days and that I'm just way more sensitive to everything. I also know that God found no fault in King David's laments, tears, and agony that we can find in the Psalms David's written. I mean, he was the "man after God's own heart."

However, I also find I am frustrated with myself, b/c if I was truly allowing God and the Holy Spirit to envelop me, wouldn't I be feeling his peace inside me? Wouldn't joy be more than just a mindset right now? Wouldn't I at least feel a little of it?

I have an amazing friend who continues to astonish and amaze me. She is new in her personal walk with Christ, but is constantly teaching me new things and challenging me to grow my relationship more. It's a very awesome gift she is giving me. I know she still faces a lot of struggles and there are so many unknowns in her life, but she is also full of praise because of our Savior. It kinda has me wondering where I'm missing the mark right now? I can praise God for my blessings and really mean the praises and really count my blessings, but there's not a happiness associated with it right now. There is gratitude and a humble recognition of all my blessings, but no part of me has the desire to stand on the roof tops and proclaim to the world how awesome God is and how He's moving mountains. I want to be in that place. Why can I not be in that place and face these struggles at the same time? Am I asking too much? Am I missing the mark somewhere?

Part of me says I'm being to hard on myself and God accepts me exactly where I am. I truly do believe he accepts me wherever I am, and that if this truly is my best right now, I know he is pleased with me.... But God's promises are great and true. Philippians 4:19 says "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. So, is feeling good not a need in this moment or is it a lack of truly turning this over to God?

Sometimes it's so hard for me to tell. There have been many times in my life and especially in my recovery where I am working hard and am convinced that I have turned everything over to the Lord - or at least everything in the specific area of concern. Later, however, my eyes have been opened as to how I had not truly turned everything over to him despite my best efforts to do so.

And then I think things through so much that I get myself thoroughly confused, like now. At least in this place, I know God is going to have to be in control and make things better b/c I've talked myself into so tight of a circle that I have no clue how to get out. ;)

For those of you who read this. Thanks for letting me ramble. It really helps to get things out these days without being judged for them or being told "It'll get better." I KNOW it will get better. I'm just trying to figure out how to best live this moment...

Trusting the Future

I am finally home from all of our traveling and slowly getting caught up on laundry, mail, and all of the other things I ignored while traveling. The trip was amazing, and I was sad to come home b/c I knew I was coming home to so many unknowns. However, I must admit that it has been nice to sleep in my own bed and be surrounded by my own things that make me feel comfortable.

Up to this point, I've coped with all of the unknowns in my life by basically ignoring them and staying busy. My current uncertainties:

1. I'm done with school but no jobs are panning out, so while I keep applying for jobs and making an effort to gain employment, I find myself avoiding conversations with my husband and friends about the topic. We can be okay financially if I don't work, but I will start to go stir crazy if I go too many weeks without some "purpose." I have batted around doing volunteer work if I don't get a job b/c it would give me a way to be involved in a helping way, but up to now I haven't had time to research volunteer options. I plan to start doing that, hopefully today, while still applying for jobs and pray that God puts me where I can be of most use.

2. My husband is deploying to Afghanistan for the 2nd time on/around Jan. 27. I have no idea what time of day he'll be leaving and if it will be a day earlier or a day later. I probably won't know until 2 or 3 days before he leaves. I don't know exactly when he'll be coming home again (approximately 6-7 months, but that could easily change to longer), and life just feels uncertain b/c of the constant danger he's in while he's deployed.

3. After hubby comes home (hopefully late summer)we'll be moving to another state for 6 months for training for him and then moving again to another location (we won't know where until 3 months into his training). So, we'll be moving twice in the next year, and half of it is unknown. With all of these moves, it makes finding a job or knowing what type of job to look for even harder. In addition, all of these moves will take me away from therapist, and while we will still be in touch, I won't be able to go to her office and sit on her red couch and talk to her.

Up until today, I've been living in the moment and avoiding thinking about the future. This is not necessarily a bad thing b/c the Lord never promised us tomorrow. However, at this point, I believe it will begin to hinder my usefulness and prevent me for good opportunities.

A good friend of mine Tempy recommended a daily devotional book to me the other day that I know has been beneficial to her over the past few months. It's called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Today's devotional fits very well with this struggle I'm having, and actually helped me to recognize that this is a bigger issue than I'm admitting. The words and Scriptures were a good reminder of who really is in control and where my focus should be.

Let me prepare you for the day that stretches out before you. I know exactly what this day will contain, whereas you have only vague ideas about it. You would like to see a map, showing all of the twists and turns of your journey. You'd feel more prepared if you could somehow visualize what is on the road ahead. However, there is a better way to be prepared for whatever you will encounter today: Spend quality time with me.

I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey. My living Presence is your Companion each step of the way. Stay in continual communication with Me, whispering My Name whenever you need to redirect your thoughts. Thus, you can walk through this day with your focus on Me. My abiding Presence is the best road map available. Exodus 33:14; John 15:4-7

Wow! Kinda steps on my toes a bit, but it's so nice to find guidance even when I still have no more clue about what the future holds for me let alone what today or tomorrow holds for me.

Anyways, just my ramblings about where I am today.

New Year's Eve

Happy New Year's Eve bloggers!!!

Quick update: I did graduate with my 2nd graduate degree on Dec. 17! I am now highly educated and unemployed! Sadly, I'd say this description fits several people in the USA and around the world right now. I'm job hunting some, but my husband and I left on Dec. 22 for some holiday traveling, and it's hard to apply and interview for jobs when you're not at home.

We spent Christmas in New England with his family and are currently out in Colorado on a ski vacation with my family. Everyone but me is out shopping right now. Late Wednesday night I came down with a horrible stomach bug that lasted a full 24+ hours and even though I woke up feeling better this morning, I am still running very low on energy. My sister seems to be doing her best to make me feel like my illness is ruining her vacation..... b/c vomiting for 24 hours sure isn't ruining mine???? A new year's resolution of mine to learn how to show more love and Christ to her no matter what her attitude towards me is or how she treats me. Since I have some alone time where I feel well enough to blog, I thought I'd just say hi. I've finished crying and feeling sorry for myself that my family has been so unsupportive this go round.

Some of it is that I want so desperately to feel well and be on top of my game. Hubby is set to deploy again on Jan. 27, and I want to take advantage of every moment I have with him right now. This is hard to do when you're either stuck in bed or stuck leaning over the porcelain throne. I'm definitely feeling more sensitive emotionally, so that's probably why I'm more sensitive than usual to my family's remarks or lack of supportive remarks.

At least hubby and I are rounding out our travels next week with 5 days (just the two of us) in Mexico. And, if I had to get sick, I'm really glad it's this week and not next week.

Since this is New Years Eve, what would a blog post be without sharing at least a few of my New Year's resolutions?:

1. Get a job or at least volunteer work in the Counseling field - no more wasting time on school or jobs that don't allow me to do what I feel God is calling me to do.
2. Eat healthier (not dieting, just healthy food) and exercise regularly. Hubby wants us both to do P90X while he's deployed and something that will be good for us and we can still do together apart. I would love to do this and plan to give it a go, but I think I'm setting myself up to fail that I don't see either of us lasting more than 30 days... If I stay unemployed, then I'll at least have plenty of time to get it done.. LOL
3. Spend more time growing a more intimate relationship with God and being more serious about committing scripture to memory. I also want to spend more time in conversations with friends I can encourage and who can encourage me to grow in our walks with Christ.
4. Continue to learn to be a better wife.
5. Continue to learn and believe of my worth in Christ and stop apologizing for deficits I feel I have that Christ has covered.

I'm sure there will be several more. I seem to have many goals for this upcoming year - most involve internal changes, but this is a start.

I hope 2011 is a great year for each of you and that we may all grow and enjoy this life we've been given more than we have in the past. Life is definitely a roller coaster, but it's a pretty awesome ride if you're strapped in right and holding on tight.

Happy New Years!!!!!

Why Gray is Better than Really Bad

Over the past week, I've received a couple of not so subtle reminders that the "gray" space I've been living in really is better than where I used to be. Gray is hard and uncomfortable, and I feel confused a lot. But most days it's not gut-wrenching, turn my stomach inside out, uncontrollable tears, depression, etc.

This past week I've been experiencing some of those feelings from a really bad place. They're not so bad I'm considering self-injuring or anything like that, but they are definitely worse than anything I have felt for awhile and they continue on going and dull - even when I get really distracted.

My hubby left Thursday morning for a 10 day pre-deployment trip to Afghanistan. I'm praying it's only 10 days anyways. Saying good-bye to him when he's going into a war zone is so much harder than saying good-bye to him when he's going to training. That evening I picked up a dear friend of mine who had the whole bottom fall out from under her this week. I feel so blessed to have her here with me a bit and do what I can to help. She is not draining on me because of anything she is or is not doing, but I care about her so much that I'm drained emotionally regarding all of my feelings about her situation - none of which are her fault. Her situation, while very different, has been a strong reminder to me of Dr. M's abandonment of me almost 7 years ago. I thought I had dealt with most of our feelings around that event, and most of the time I never think about it all. Now I find myself partially reliving those feelings I had with her and then wanting to transfer my feelings onto those who have unintentionally hurt my friend so deeply.

In addition, Saturday I met with the company who is managing my husband's rental property and it was a disaster. This company is so incompetent. What good does it do to have a management company if you have to manage the management company? It's totally stuff I can handle, but now is really not the time to have to fool with this mess too. I really would like to scream and run and hide until all of this blows over.

I know I say this a lot lately, but praise God for my therapist. I haven't talked to her since Thursday, but just knowing that she is there and that she is my anchor through all of this really helps. I know I can go into her office tomorrow evening and cry about all of this - my husband, my friend, my feelings, and I don't have to guard anything I say for fear of offending someone or being misunderstood.

It's amazing how much you remember yet forget when you don't feel in crisis mode all of the time anymore. I forgot just exactly how hard it was to concentrate. I forgot what it's like to use every ounce of energy to be where you're supposed to be when all you really want to do is crawl up in a ball and cry and sleep.

I wouldn't have my friend anywhere else in the world than here with me right now. I am so honored to be able to offer her whatever support I can. I think I finally understand what it's like to have someone you love so much hurt sooo deeply. It hurts you really deeply too and you feel helpless b/c there's only so much you can do to help the other person. I do wish my husband was here to be a rock for me, but I have God and he is bigger than all of these situations.

Who know I'd ever write that I think I might prefer the gray after these past several days?? Think I'm going to count this as progress.

This is Who I Am

My last several posts have dealt with 8 lies that many trauma survivors believe as a result of satan's lies. And while I took time in each of those to refute those lies, I thought it might be good to wrap up this little segment putting all of the truths together.

THIS IS WHO I AM

Regarded
I am a friend of the Almighty God of heave and earth. (John 15:15)
Jesus is not ashamed to call me his sister/brother. (Hebrews 2:11)
I am chosen by God, holy and without fault in His eyes. (Ephesians 1:4)
I am an heir to the riches of the Creator of the universe. (Galatians 4:7)

Important
I have been rightly called a child of God. (John 1:12)
God has made me His salt and light in the world. (Matthew 5:13-14)
I am an eternal being and will never perish. (John 3:16)

Forgiven
I am no longer condemned. (Romans 8:1)
I have been justified before the righteous Judge. (Romans 5:1)
I am at peace with God. (Romans 5:1)
God no longer remembers my sins. (Hebrews 10:17)

Valued
God loves me with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)
I am God's temple, bought at a great price. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
God knows, chose, called, justified, and glorified me. (Romans 8:29-30)

Accepted
I am accepted in Christ. (Ephesians 1:6)
I am a chosen, costly, living stone in God's building. (1 Peter 2:4-5)
I have bold, unrestricted access to God's throne of grace. (Hebrews 4:16)

Powerful
God has given me the spirit of power, love and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
God's Spirit in me is greater than any unholy spirits in the world. (1 John 4:4)
I am born of God and believe in Jesus - I'm a world-overcomer. (1 John 5:4-5)

Lovable
I am loved by God and nothing will keep us apart. (Romans 8:38-39)
I am loved supremely - enough for God to die for me. (John 15:13)
I am loved unconditionally, even when I sin. (Romans 5:8)

Connected
I am intimately attached to Christ and bearing fruit. (John 15:5)
I am a member of God's eternal family. (Galatians 3:26)
Christ is as close to me as my heart and lungs. (Galatians 2:20)
I am part of Christ's body with millions of brothers & sisters. (1 Corinthians 12:27)
I am an eternal member of God's Kingdom and household. (Ephesians 2:19)

Therapy

I admitted in therapy today that I've basically been bringing BS stuff to talk about to session for the past few weeks. I didn't know I was even going there today, and I wanted to kick myself the minute I said it. Therapist is so great about letting me talk about whatever I need to - big or small. But if she finds out the smaller stuff or maybe a better term is the stuff I could just talk to friends and family about to sessions as a means of avoiding other stuff, she gets really good at calling me on my BS. ugh!

I feel stuck in a Catch 22 right now that I never anticipated. On the one hand, it's so nice to feel good more often than I feel bad, to only "ride the crazy train" occassionally and usually only for a few hours at a time, to be free of self-injury impulses, to be able to think clearly and live in the present mentally and emotionally. On the other hand, there is much unfinished business with some parts inside that got put on hold last summer when I got engaged b/c the topic of marriage, guys, sex, and fears surrounding all of those issues to precedence. Those were absolutely not a waste of therapy sessions. Without that hard work on those issues, I don't think married life would be going as smoothly as it is right now with far fewer triggers than I ever anticipated.

Now, however, those issues have been worked with and are under control, so the natural course of action would be to go back to the stuff that got put on the back burner for awhile in order to continue in the healing process for all parts inside. Just the thought of this scares the sh*t out of me! I had the same reaction today with therapist that I had with husband a week or so ago when he asked if I was still planning to get off of my anti-depressant. It's not that I don't want to continue to get better or be med free, but right now both of those options send panic through my entire body that I'm going to struggle again like we were from 2003-2008. My brain says, I can't go through that again!!!!!

As therapist reminded me though, if I ingore the pain of other parts and make them feel they are not allowed to have a voice anymore, the repercussions may be much worse. Someone may store up their energy and take over b/c they can't just keep holding on anymore. I could find myself in an unanticipated crisis situation just from ignoring parts inside. Therapist thinks that while it's going to be crazy tough, I'm not necessarily bound for suicidal alley again as we work through another part's issues. She says my hope and strength from coming through my stuff can feed into them just as their emotions feed into me. I pray that she's right.

So now, here I sit feeling stuck. I continue on as I have been and I feel good but I definitely risk an uprising inside, or I start back into the difficult work that can be so overwhelming trying to keep the mindset that the goal is to get all parts "to the other side" of their trauma. Catch 22.

For the past week I've been posting Lies that satan tells trauma victims. Everything I've been posting is from my heart and I believe it to be true. The problem with DID is that I don't even have all of myself on board into believing it's true. It's like witnessing about Christ to 19 different people at one time except they're all in your head and they're all skeptical. I know God is the only reason I made it to this okay place, and now my challenge is to help them see that God will carry other parts of me through as well. While in the meantime, being a wife, a friend, going to work, and wanting to minister to people outside of my head.

God can do all things. I do not doubt that for one second. What I doubt are parts of me accepting that when all they've known is truama. And to do memory work again without God seems wreckless. How does anyone heal from their trauma without God? But I know I'm getting to a point where it can't continue to sit on the back burner anymore.