About a week ago Tempy, from Crackers & Juiceboxes posted a blog entry about how being suicidal (whether you ever attempt or not) is in itself a traumatic event that can continue to haunt you even after you are no longer suicidal. Click here to ready Tempy's post. The truth of this realization and concept really resonated with me. Being someone who was chronically suicidal for close to 5 years and who prayed for death years before that, I am filled with intense anxiety any time I have feelings that are remotely similar to those I felt when suicidal.
Yesterday, I spent a lot of my session with therapist talking about something I've recently realized and how it's proving to be a challenge to me in my current life. My realization: feelings feel the same no matter what the situation. Sadness feels like sadness no matter what the situation that caused the sadness. Excitement, anxiety, fear, happiness, anger - they always feel the same even if the situations evoking the feelings are as different as night and day. For example: Anxiety about starting a new job resonates the same way in me that anxiety surrounding a memory or flashback does.
As a result, days that I am sad or depressed due to (sometimes normal) present day issues, can lead to panic attacks and irrational fears if not cognitively challenged because the association of these feelings with the low, scary, nearly impossible place I was in 3 years ago is sooooooooooo strong. Because these feelings were associated with me just trying to stay alive for so long, the association is automatic. I have to consciously make myself separate them out. I have to constantly remind myself that a bad day today does not mean I am automatically headed into another 5 year stint of being chronically suicidal. Panic tends to set in quickly when sadness, anxiety, or depression are strong b/c there is a HUGE fear of returning to the place that we were. My initial reaction is to think I'd rather die than go back there again. I'd like to differentiate that I am not suicidal when I have these thoughts, but more it just shows how huge our aversion of living like that again is. In these moments, it's almost as if I'm having flashbacks and some PTSD around my adult years of trying to work through my past and surviving my present.
Last evening I had the honor of talking to a friend of mine who has lived through things that I can't even imagine. Our lives are so different, but oddly we always seem to be in the same general spot in healing. I do believe her feelings and struggles are more intense than mine b/c she lived through more years of abuse and more intense abuse. I don't say this to downplay what happened to me, but more to validate her struggles. Sometimes I believe she feels like a failure in her fight b/c she compares her functioning to that of other abuse survivors who just didn't live through the same intensity and severity of abuse that she endured. Last night my friend was very panicked and she was having trouble being grounded. It was hard for her to form her thoughts, but the more she was able to share what she was feeling and thinking, the more it felt like she was living what I'd just been talking to therapist about an hour earlier. Most of her sentiments revolved around saying that she couldn't go back to that life of being chronically suicidal... of day in day out struggles to just breathe. She had experienced some rough feelings and memories recently (she's going through more tough therapeutic work). I am not an expert, but it appeared to me that the depression, anxiety, sadness, etc. that she was feeling seemed to be panicking her more out of a fear of returning to the place she used to be than b/c the present feelings were too overwhelming. It appeared as if she was in a flashback from 2 years ago when she was barely alive more so than that she was in a flashback from her childhood.
Speaking to her last night validated my belief that surviving memories, feelings, and therapy as an adult can have traumatic implications that may often times get overlooked b/c even clients don't give their struggles as an adult enough credence. Please hear me. THE PREVIOUS STATEMENT IS NOT BASHING THERAPY. I would have been dealing with all of this whether I was in therapy or not. Therapy and the care, concern, and respect of my counselor is what kept me alive. I merely am just trying to share my realization that the intensity of what one may feel as an adult when having to deal with childhood abuse can be traumatic in and of itself. This realization has actually helped me combat some present day panic attacks b/c I can reality test and call my feelings what they truly are - not a backslide, but a fear of backsliding into that hell hole of a living space. It's for sure not a magic cure, and it doesn't work every time, but many times it can help to keep feelings manageable and not overwhelming.
I guess calling a spade, a spade truly does have it's benefits.
Showing posts with label flashbacks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label flashbacks. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Satan's Tactics
Last night I had a horrible dream. I've always been a vivid dreamer. My dreams are usually so intricate and detailed, that I am unable to tell that I am dreaming until after I wake up. Many times it takes me awhile after I wake up to fully realize that what just happened was in a dream and not my reality. This morning was one of those mornings. I woke up shaking. I could tell I'd been crying a lot, and for a good 5 minutes, I was convinced my dream was real. Only when I was able to truly realize where I was and what was going on around me did I begin to realize it was a dream and be able to calm down.
Last night I dreamt that my husband was home. He'd been home from deployment for a bit and was daily walking through my current therapy struggles with me. Long story short, in my dream he told me that he'd had enough... that my crazy and my issues were too much for him... he was done.. it was over between us... and there was nothing I can do change his mind. I was heartbroken. The man who has done more to understand than any other man in my life; The man who promised me forever; The man who I adored was walking out. In my dream I was thinking if he wouldn't stay, no one ever will.
Praise God this was only a dream!!! Even though it was a dream, I found myself having a hard time shaking the feelings this morning. I wanted nothing more to call hubby and have him put my mind and heart at ease. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that since he is deployed. Fortunately, I serve a God who is always available. As I turned to God to relieve my pain and fears from this dream, I got hit with a couple of realities:
1. I didn't reach for God first to calm my fears. I was looking for human comfort first. Now, I believe human comfort is good and very much needed. However, I've been learning over the past several years that human comfort doesn't compare to the peace and contentment that God can provide. I'm not beating myself up over this, but it was a good reality check and a good opportunity to refocus my mind on God first and on my family and friends second.
2. Satan uses anything he can to undermine anything positive and healthy in our lives. When I think back over my life, dreams/nightmares are a way that satan has always reached me and tormented me. It's pretty creative and sneaky to attack me in my sleep.. to plant doubts, fears, and horrors in my mind while I sleep. These type of attacks are so much harder to recognize and combat than the obvious and blatant ones. I have no doubt that satan knows this and uses it to his advantage.
These two realities, while not fun, really helped me to regain focus this morning, reality test the dream and put satan back in his place. I ended up having a pretty decent day today. In the past, I would have stayed debilitated internally by a dream like this, but today we let it go and trusted God that he was watching over us, our husband, and the truth.
I count this as a victory, but I wish sometimes there weren't so many battles to fight. The only promise any of us have been given though is that God will see us through all of them and He has won them all. Praise Him for that!
Last night I dreamt that my husband was home. He'd been home from deployment for a bit and was daily walking through my current therapy struggles with me. Long story short, in my dream he told me that he'd had enough... that my crazy and my issues were too much for him... he was done.. it was over between us... and there was nothing I can do change his mind. I was heartbroken. The man who has done more to understand than any other man in my life; The man who promised me forever; The man who I adored was walking out. In my dream I was thinking if he wouldn't stay, no one ever will.
Praise God this was only a dream!!! Even though it was a dream, I found myself having a hard time shaking the feelings this morning. I wanted nothing more to call hubby and have him put my mind and heart at ease. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that since he is deployed. Fortunately, I serve a God who is always available. As I turned to God to relieve my pain and fears from this dream, I got hit with a couple of realities:
1. I didn't reach for God first to calm my fears. I was looking for human comfort first. Now, I believe human comfort is good and very much needed. However, I've been learning over the past several years that human comfort doesn't compare to the peace and contentment that God can provide. I'm not beating myself up over this, but it was a good reality check and a good opportunity to refocus my mind on God first and on my family and friends second.
2. Satan uses anything he can to undermine anything positive and healthy in our lives. When I think back over my life, dreams/nightmares are a way that satan has always reached me and tormented me. It's pretty creative and sneaky to attack me in my sleep.. to plant doubts, fears, and horrors in my mind while I sleep. These type of attacks are so much harder to recognize and combat than the obvious and blatant ones. I have no doubt that satan knows this and uses it to his advantage.
These two realities, while not fun, really helped me to regain focus this morning, reality test the dream and put satan back in his place. I ended up having a pretty decent day today. In the past, I would have stayed debilitated internally by a dream like this, but today we let it go and trusted God that he was watching over us, our husband, and the truth.
I count this as a victory, but I wish sometimes there weren't so many battles to fight. The only promise any of us have been given though is that God will see us through all of them and He has won them all. Praise Him for that!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Ask Me How I Know...
Amy Grant released the song 'Ask Me How I Know' in 1991 on her Heart In Motion CD. For a few of different reasons this song has been going through my head almost constantly for the past several days. First of all, in 1991, Amy Grant was my most favorite singer on the planet. I knew all of her songs by heart. I'd seen her in concert and had an autographed picture framed and on my bedroom wall. Secondly, the first time I heard this song, it struck me in a funny way. I had blocked all memory of my childhood abuse at this point, but I still found myself strangely drawn to and repulsed by the lyrics in this song at the same time. They struck a painful chord inside of me that I wouldn't understand for about 6 more years. In the past several days, this song has been playing through my head b/c more painful feelings and memories have surfaced again and these lyrics seem to fit oh so well. Below is the first part of the song:
I see her as a little girl hiding in her room
She takes another bath and she sprays her momma's perfume
To try to wipe away the scent he left behind
But it haunts her mind.
You see she's his little rag, nothing more than just a waif
And he's mopping up his need, she is tired and afraid
Maybe she'll find a way through these awful years to disappear.
Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heavens
I see no mercy and no one down here's naming names
Nobody's naming names.
Having DID can be quite interesting at times. While I have made so much progress in therapy and in my healing, other parts inside of me stay buried deep most of the time and are stuck either in the past or still in the place of hopeless despair that I found myself in 3 years ago. On Monday, therapist talked to one of these parts. Our session turned into a 2 hour session of stopping flashbacks, quieting old tapes and messages, and trying to help this part begin to get some sort of footing in the present. While my faith in God is strong and runs deep, somehow she has not been blessed to know God or His healing grace yet. The first part of Amy Grant's song really reminds me of where she is right now. She wonders where was God? She wonders where was anyone? Why did no one tell and no one save her?
This part cried harder than I'd ever seen her cry before. She actually grieved her pain and what has happened to her in front of therapist. While it has been incredibly taxing on me and the entire system, it's kinda cool that she is finally opening up to someone about what she really thinks and feels after 12 years of therapy. It's very hard to sit with her feelings of anxiety, vulnerability, sadness, etc., but I'm doing my best to be okay in this space. I can't expect her to catch up on the past 21 years of my/our life in 3 days or develop a solid faith in God that fast to provide her with peace. I definitely feel the resiliency from other parts and myself who have found differing levels of healing, and that is a HUGE help. However, this is still wickedly painful, and while I truly believe this is worth it, I think we're going to have a long slow road going forward for a bit.... but praise God I'm at least moving forward, right??
The 2nd half of Amy Grant's song basically shares this same thought. The girl in the song is not fully healed. She still struggles with fear and mistrust, but God is bringing her healing. God is giving her a new life. The life she never got to have as a child.... and while it's a tough road, it's a pretty, stinkin' awesome one.
Now she's looking in the mirror at a lovely woman face
No more frightened little girl, like she's gone without a trace
Still she leaves the light burning in the hall
It's hard to sleep at all.
Still she crawls up in her bed acting quiet as a mouse
Deep inside she's listening for a creaking in the house
But noone's left to harm her, she's finally safe and sound
There's a peace she's found.
Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heavens
She said His mercy is bringing her life again.
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heaven
(How do you know?)
Where did He go in the middle of her shame
(Where did He go?)
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
She said his mercy is bringing her life again
She's coming to life again.
He's in the middle of her pain
In the middle of her shame
Mercy brings life
He's in the middle
Mercy in the middle.
So ask me how I know
Ask me how I know, yeah
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heaven
(How do you know?)
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
Yeah, ask me how I know
(How do you know?)
Ask me
Ask me
Ask me how I know
(How do you know?)
There's a God up in the heavens
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens.
This is the video on Youtube if you'd like to hear the song.
I see her as a little girl hiding in her room
She takes another bath and she sprays her momma's perfume
To try to wipe away the scent he left behind
But it haunts her mind.
You see she's his little rag, nothing more than just a waif
And he's mopping up his need, she is tired and afraid
Maybe she'll find a way through these awful years to disappear.
Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heavens
I see no mercy and no one down here's naming names
Nobody's naming names.
Having DID can be quite interesting at times. While I have made so much progress in therapy and in my healing, other parts inside of me stay buried deep most of the time and are stuck either in the past or still in the place of hopeless despair that I found myself in 3 years ago. On Monday, therapist talked to one of these parts. Our session turned into a 2 hour session of stopping flashbacks, quieting old tapes and messages, and trying to help this part begin to get some sort of footing in the present. While my faith in God is strong and runs deep, somehow she has not been blessed to know God or His healing grace yet. The first part of Amy Grant's song really reminds me of where she is right now. She wonders where was God? She wonders where was anyone? Why did no one tell and no one save her?
This part cried harder than I'd ever seen her cry before. She actually grieved her pain and what has happened to her in front of therapist. While it has been incredibly taxing on me and the entire system, it's kinda cool that she is finally opening up to someone about what she really thinks and feels after 12 years of therapy. It's very hard to sit with her feelings of anxiety, vulnerability, sadness, etc., but I'm doing my best to be okay in this space. I can't expect her to catch up on the past 21 years of my/our life in 3 days or develop a solid faith in God that fast to provide her with peace. I definitely feel the resiliency from other parts and myself who have found differing levels of healing, and that is a HUGE help. However, this is still wickedly painful, and while I truly believe this is worth it, I think we're going to have a long slow road going forward for a bit.... but praise God I'm at least moving forward, right??
The 2nd half of Amy Grant's song basically shares this same thought. The girl in the song is not fully healed. She still struggles with fear and mistrust, but God is bringing her healing. God is giving her a new life. The life she never got to have as a child.... and while it's a tough road, it's a pretty, stinkin' awesome one.
Now she's looking in the mirror at a lovely woman face
No more frightened little girl, like she's gone without a trace
Still she leaves the light burning in the hall
It's hard to sleep at all.
Still she crawls up in her bed acting quiet as a mouse
Deep inside she's listening for a creaking in the house
But noone's left to harm her, she's finally safe and sound
There's a peace she's found.
Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heavens
She said His mercy is bringing her life again.
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heaven
(How do you know?)
Where did He go in the middle of her shame
(Where did He go?)
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
She said his mercy is bringing her life again
She's coming to life again.
He's in the middle of her pain
In the middle of her shame
Mercy brings life
He's in the middle
Mercy in the middle.
So ask me how I know
Ask me how I know, yeah
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heaven
(How do you know?)
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
Yeah, ask me how I know
(How do you know?)
Ask me
Ask me
Ask me how I know
(How do you know?)
There's a God up in the heavens
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens.
This is the video on Youtube if you'd like to hear the song.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
And the Nightmares Return
I had wishingly hoped my nightmares had stopped forever. I've always been a dreamer. Six our of seven days a week, I can tell you what I dreamt about the night before. Forever they were nightmares or flashbacks in my dreams. However, over the last year or so, most of them had been silly or nonsensical dreams - and usually based around something going on in my current life.
Three nights running now I've had nightmares again. The kind that are a mix of flashbacks, current people, and stuff that hasn't or doesn't currently exist in my life. So, on one hand, when I wake up, I can tell that these dreams are not totally real events that occurred because past and present and fiction are all blurred together in one dream. On the other hand, the nightmares feel so life-like that I've been waking up in the fetal position, shaking in fear, with a level of anxiety and depression that I haven't felt for a couple of years. Grounding and distraction have helped me get up and get through my days, but nothing is fully shaking the anxiety and looming sense of doom.
I'm getting a better picture of where this may be coming from internally and where this may be headed, but most of it is still very foggy and just trapped in feelings. What I am aware of tells me this isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's gonna be a beast of a ride for a bit. :P
I am still in a much better place with this going on than I have been in the past, but I must admit that I'm wondering... Will I ever talk, heal enough that new waves won't keep cropping up?
I want so badly to talk to hubby... to tell him what's going on... to let him walk this with me to feel supported but to also help him understand some of what I went through before we met. But he's on the other side of the world putting his life on the line every day. The last thing I want is for his attention to be focused on me or worrying about me. I need him to focus on his job so he can come back home to me in one piece. I also am not sure how much he can understand via e-mail and occasional video chatting. Part of me is wondering if telling him will make it harder instead of easier if he can't understand b/c of the distance and lack of communication between us right now.
I can't believe this hurts so much and I feel so alone in this. We've done stuff like this before. We know we can get to the other side of this. But it's been almost 3 years since we felt this badly. I really really thought that part of my life might be over with. I really am ready to move on with my life. Goodness knows I still have enough day to day issues that were keeping me in therapy. Do we really need to go back and cover more of this stuff??
God, please just take this part away. I don't want to go through more nightmares, flashbacks, and memories. I get what happened to us. I haven't tried to deny it in a long time. Please don't make me relive all of it. I feel like I know and have felt enough. Please, please just take this away and replace it with your peace... Your miraculous peace that passes all understanding. Please.
Three nights running now I've had nightmares again. The kind that are a mix of flashbacks, current people, and stuff that hasn't or doesn't currently exist in my life. So, on one hand, when I wake up, I can tell that these dreams are not totally real events that occurred because past and present and fiction are all blurred together in one dream. On the other hand, the nightmares feel so life-like that I've been waking up in the fetal position, shaking in fear, with a level of anxiety and depression that I haven't felt for a couple of years. Grounding and distraction have helped me get up and get through my days, but nothing is fully shaking the anxiety and looming sense of doom.
I'm getting a better picture of where this may be coming from internally and where this may be headed, but most of it is still very foggy and just trapped in feelings. What I am aware of tells me this isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's gonna be a beast of a ride for a bit. :P
I am still in a much better place with this going on than I have been in the past, but I must admit that I'm wondering... Will I ever talk, heal enough that new waves won't keep cropping up?
I want so badly to talk to hubby... to tell him what's going on... to let him walk this with me to feel supported but to also help him understand some of what I went through before we met. But he's on the other side of the world putting his life on the line every day. The last thing I want is for his attention to be focused on me or worrying about me. I need him to focus on his job so he can come back home to me in one piece. I also am not sure how much he can understand via e-mail and occasional video chatting. Part of me is wondering if telling him will make it harder instead of easier if he can't understand b/c of the distance and lack of communication between us right now.
I can't believe this hurts so much and I feel so alone in this. We've done stuff like this before. We know we can get to the other side of this. But it's been almost 3 years since we felt this badly. I really really thought that part of my life might be over with. I really am ready to move on with my life. Goodness knows I still have enough day to day issues that were keeping me in therapy. Do we really need to go back and cover more of this stuff??
God, please just take this part away. I don't want to go through more nightmares, flashbacks, and memories. I get what happened to us. I haven't tried to deny it in a long time. Please don't make me relive all of it. I feel like I know and have felt enough. Please, please just take this away and replace it with your peace... Your miraculous peace that passes all understanding. Please.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Wedding Rollercoaster
Less than 3 weeks till my wedding day and I'm feeling all of the stress of it. My family is very helpful but they are definitely increasing my stress level. All of the minute detailings seem to be building up and some days I feel no one else sees themselves able to make any decisions. Some days I feel as though I get 500 questions a day and that 490 of them could have been answered and handled without talking to me.
In addition, my internal world has finally decided to make their feelings known about their fears of being married through the form of body memories (mainly a nauseous stomach and gastrointestinal problems). I've been asking for 11 months for them to share only getting answers from a couple. Now, 3 weeks before the wedding, I'm being overwhelmed with thoughts, fears, flashbacks.. Ugh.
The wedding we're having is so much larger and grander than anything I ever wanted either. I wanted something small with just family and a couple of close friends. We're having a huge catered event with close to 130 guests. Now, I will admit, the actual wedding weekend sounds like a blast if I can get to it without having a major meltdown or developing an ulcer first. I am going to get to see so many dear friends that I haven't seen in awhile, and I am very excited about that! Sometimes though it feels like I'm just planning the party of the year for our family and friends and the idea that fiance and I are getting married seems to be a by-product.
I've been so moody and irritable the past few days. I know I'm not fun to be around despite my best efforts to suppress the worst of my negative feelings from reaching the words that actually come out of my mouth. Finace really has been great through all of this. I know he's not happy with my attitude the past few days, but at the same time I think it's helped him realize that I need him to step up and help me out more too.
Tonight before he went to his house, he told me to make him one promise: Starting 12:01am Friday, May 28 I have to be through working. From that time on until after the wedding, everyone else does for me. I don't work the wedding weekend.
Now, that is a promise I look very forward to keeping, and his patience and concern the past few days are continued reminders of why I am marrying this man in less than 3 weeks.
This bride is definitely ready to have the wedding behind her and married life in front of her!
In addition, my internal world has finally decided to make their feelings known about their fears of being married through the form of body memories (mainly a nauseous stomach and gastrointestinal problems). I've been asking for 11 months for them to share only getting answers from a couple. Now, 3 weeks before the wedding, I'm being overwhelmed with thoughts, fears, flashbacks.. Ugh.
The wedding we're having is so much larger and grander than anything I ever wanted either. I wanted something small with just family and a couple of close friends. We're having a huge catered event with close to 130 guests. Now, I will admit, the actual wedding weekend sounds like a blast if I can get to it without having a major meltdown or developing an ulcer first. I am going to get to see so many dear friends that I haven't seen in awhile, and I am very excited about that! Sometimes though it feels like I'm just planning the party of the year for our family and friends and the idea that fiance and I are getting married seems to be a by-product.
I've been so moody and irritable the past few days. I know I'm not fun to be around despite my best efforts to suppress the worst of my negative feelings from reaching the words that actually come out of my mouth. Finace really has been great through all of this. I know he's not happy with my attitude the past few days, but at the same time I think it's helped him realize that I need him to step up and help me out more too.
Tonight before he went to his house, he told me to make him one promise: Starting 12:01am Friday, May 28 I have to be through working. From that time on until after the wedding, everyone else does for me. I don't work the wedding weekend.
Now, that is a promise I look very forward to keeping, and his patience and concern the past few days are continued reminders of why I am marrying this man in less than 3 weeks.
This bride is definitely ready to have the wedding behind her and married life in front of her!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Clear as Mud
Yep. That's about how clear everthing feels in my head right now. Before I proceed, I should probably preface this entry with
*TW S*xual Content* - please read at a time when you feel you are in a safe place.
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Despite my intial reasons for creating this blog to be an online journal to discuss my healing and issues around the childhood abuse we suffered, I very rarely speak on anything specfically related to this content. In all honesty, I believe it's more of an attempt to spare myself than anyone else. I only started this blog a year ago. It's been almost 2 years that I've been in a pretty good place. I think days that remind me of the dark spaces I've been in lead me to not want to blog and to distract and to forget as soon as possible. I like my new "healthy" happy life not overrun by utter despair, pain and desperation.
Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) we've entered into a space, a set of therapeutic work that needs to be done, that is going to make it impossible to try and stay in my nice little bubble. Vacation is over. It's time to put the gloves back on and enter the ring again. Ugh.
I know I mention fiancee a lot in my blogs, but typically it's about how something he said or did affected me emotionally. He is involved in my current issue, but more indirectly as this has nothing to do with anything he's done right or wrong or even anything he's completely aware of at the moment.
Our wedding is in 3 months and 29 days! I am so excited! Final details for invitations are coming together, bridesmaids dresses and tuxes have been ordered, wedding bands picked out, etc. I am so excited to be marrying fiancee!!! I/we are not excited about the wedding night. We never have been, but we've been working hard on our own and talking through some things in therapy. I thought we were making great progress (and I think maybe we were) until some progress we made this weekend sent my mind spinning. We contained everything until therapy today, but then when it was a safe place to talk about anything and everything with someone who has never judged us, it felt as if all hell broke lose in my head.
Let me back up just a bit. I don't judge other couples' physical decisions in their relationships. I think each couple needs to make that decision for themselves. However, based upon the way I was raised and fiancee and mine's spiritual beliefs, he and I have decided to wait until we're married to have sex. In fact, most would be surprised to find out how strict our physical boundaries are. This has been fantastic for me in our dating relationship b/c fiancee has never done anything to physically trigger me or any other part. We feel safe with him and feel respected when it comes to our body. In less than 4 months, technically, all boundaries are gone. Now, fiancee will respect whatever I need and am comfortable with, but at the same time, the poor guy will have waited 2 years to have sex with me. What kind of a wedding night will it be if I say "No thanks, can we just make out instead?" or if we follow through and then I end up in a flashback or overcome by guilt and shame afterwards - not b/c of anything to do with him but because it reminds me of all of those times as a child when..... well, I'm sure you can fill in the blank.
So, this weekend I tried a few, um exercises with the goal of hoping to make some things we're fearing less scary. The good news is that things went better than expected. That's also the bad news. You'd think by now that things that seem to solidify the abuse would make me feel better in the sense that I know I'm not making any of it up, but it doesn't. All of these old painful memories resurfaced instead and I find myself mourning so many things I thought I'd mourned all over again. In addition, it felt wrong that I didn't mind some things. My mind knows that sex and sexual acts are supposed to be pleasurable things, but I still feel such guilt when I enjoy something.
Some of this, I believe, is due to a 10 year old part who found pleasure in certain acts when the body was a child and carries an immense amount of guilt over this. As much as she's trying, she still can't quite comprehend why those same feelings can mean good things now. She knows what happened to us was bad so she thinks having positive feelings about them was bad. To her, it makes no sense that having those feelings in the present can be good. She and therapist talked for a long time tonight. I think some seeds were planted but right now I'm feeling more confused than ever.
Right now this feels like a lose/lose situation. Either when we have sex with fiance we do okay and even potentially enjoy it (if not the first time, at some point) which will lead to immense guilt and shame - none of which will be his fault; or we will freak out, not have sex, and poor fiancee will have to help us pick up the pieces from whatever memory or flashback came up.
Therapist says we're on a tough road but we can do this and there is a way to have sexual pleasure without feeling extreme guilt and/or to not freak out when husband will go to our "no zones" (those places off limits, at least until the wedding night). Because she says it, I believe her. However, right now I feel trapped. I don't feel there's a good way out of this situation and I'm frustrated b/c we've entered into default mode. Default mode is where we start thinking how if we were just dead then this whole issue would go away from everyone. To clarify.. These are NOT the same as our suicidal thoughts. Default mode just means we go into thinking how we and everyone else in our lives would be better off if we were just dead. It feels like we're on the verge of pulling fiancee down into this spiral with us and I want so bad to spare him. I can't imagine living without him though. Haven't we made enough people hurt with us in this process? I feel like we've tried to warn him, but he just doesn't see, and one day soon, he's going to get knocked upside the head with the reality of how screwed up everything in my head still is no matter how many days or months in a row I may appear "normal".
This is getting long and I need to take a break. Part II will follow.
*TW S*xual Content* - please read at a time when you feel you are in a safe place.
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Despite my intial reasons for creating this blog to be an online journal to discuss my healing and issues around the childhood abuse we suffered, I very rarely speak on anything specfically related to this content. In all honesty, I believe it's more of an attempt to spare myself than anyone else. I only started this blog a year ago. It's been almost 2 years that I've been in a pretty good place. I think days that remind me of the dark spaces I've been in lead me to not want to blog and to distract and to forget as soon as possible. I like my new "healthy" happy life not overrun by utter despair, pain and desperation.
Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) we've entered into a space, a set of therapeutic work that needs to be done, that is going to make it impossible to try and stay in my nice little bubble. Vacation is over. It's time to put the gloves back on and enter the ring again. Ugh.
I know I mention fiancee a lot in my blogs, but typically it's about how something he said or did affected me emotionally. He is involved in my current issue, but more indirectly as this has nothing to do with anything he's done right or wrong or even anything he's completely aware of at the moment.
Our wedding is in 3 months and 29 days! I am so excited! Final details for invitations are coming together, bridesmaids dresses and tuxes have been ordered, wedding bands picked out, etc. I am so excited to be marrying fiancee!!! I/we are not excited about the wedding night. We never have been, but we've been working hard on our own and talking through some things in therapy. I thought we were making great progress (and I think maybe we were) until some progress we made this weekend sent my mind spinning. We contained everything until therapy today, but then when it was a safe place to talk about anything and everything with someone who has never judged us, it felt as if all hell broke lose in my head.
Let me back up just a bit. I don't judge other couples' physical decisions in their relationships. I think each couple needs to make that decision for themselves. However, based upon the way I was raised and fiancee and mine's spiritual beliefs, he and I have decided to wait until we're married to have sex. In fact, most would be surprised to find out how strict our physical boundaries are. This has been fantastic for me in our dating relationship b/c fiancee has never done anything to physically trigger me or any other part. We feel safe with him and feel respected when it comes to our body. In less than 4 months, technically, all boundaries are gone. Now, fiancee will respect whatever I need and am comfortable with, but at the same time, the poor guy will have waited 2 years to have sex with me. What kind of a wedding night will it be if I say "No thanks, can we just make out instead?" or if we follow through and then I end up in a flashback or overcome by guilt and shame afterwards - not b/c of anything to do with him but because it reminds me of all of those times as a child when..... well, I'm sure you can fill in the blank.
So, this weekend I tried a few, um exercises with the goal of hoping to make some things we're fearing less scary. The good news is that things went better than expected. That's also the bad news. You'd think by now that things that seem to solidify the abuse would make me feel better in the sense that I know I'm not making any of it up, but it doesn't. All of these old painful memories resurfaced instead and I find myself mourning so many things I thought I'd mourned all over again. In addition, it felt wrong that I didn't mind some things. My mind knows that sex and sexual acts are supposed to be pleasurable things, but I still feel such guilt when I enjoy something.
Some of this, I believe, is due to a 10 year old part who found pleasure in certain acts when the body was a child and carries an immense amount of guilt over this. As much as she's trying, she still can't quite comprehend why those same feelings can mean good things now. She knows what happened to us was bad so she thinks having positive feelings about them was bad. To her, it makes no sense that having those feelings in the present can be good. She and therapist talked for a long time tonight. I think some seeds were planted but right now I'm feeling more confused than ever.
Right now this feels like a lose/lose situation. Either when we have sex with fiance we do okay and even potentially enjoy it (if not the first time, at some point) which will lead to immense guilt and shame - none of which will be his fault; or we will freak out, not have sex, and poor fiancee will have to help us pick up the pieces from whatever memory or flashback came up.
Therapist says we're on a tough road but we can do this and there is a way to have sexual pleasure without feeling extreme guilt and/or to not freak out when husband will go to our "no zones" (those places off limits, at least until the wedding night). Because she says it, I believe her. However, right now I feel trapped. I don't feel there's a good way out of this situation and I'm frustrated b/c we've entered into default mode. Default mode is where we start thinking how if we were just dead then this whole issue would go away from everyone. To clarify.. These are NOT the same as our suicidal thoughts. Default mode just means we go into thinking how we and everyone else in our lives would be better off if we were just dead. It feels like we're on the verge of pulling fiancee down into this spiral with us and I want so bad to spare him. I can't imagine living without him though. Haven't we made enough people hurt with us in this process? I feel like we've tried to warn him, but he just doesn't see, and one day soon, he's going to get knocked upside the head with the reality of how screwed up everything in my head still is no matter how many days or months in a row I may appear "normal".
This is getting long and I need to take a break. Part II will follow.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Good Talk
Fiancee and I had a really good talk yesterday afternoon after I got my nice vent out here on my blog. I was able to figure out what I really wanted from him and how I wanted to say it. The conversation went really well, and while he was aware of some things, he really was clueless about some of the things that had been hurting my feelings. Hopefully he also understands now that I need periodic reassurance that he is still happy he chose me and he wants to marry me over continuing to be a bachelor. I don't want to take him away from his friends totally, but I needed to know we were on the same page as far as what our engagement meant to each of us and how we see things after we're married.
We also laid the groundwork for us to continue talks about therapy and why it is helpful for me and will hopefully naturally lead into explaining DID at the right time. Yesterday we spent time mostly just explaining to him why I'm in therapy "still" and how it is helpful. Because he came into my life after I stopped self-injuring and was no longer having suicidal ideations, he's not seen a lot of things that I/we've dealt with, and as a result, he struggles to understand why I'm in therapy at all. I love that he sees me as one of the strongest women he's ever met, but I also want him to see that I am vulnerable and not near as self-assured as I appear. I also began to explain PTSD to him in the sense how everyday "normal life" events can at times be more overwhelming for me than other people because they trigger old memories, flashbacks, or messages from the abuser and things feel compounded. I talked about how at these times it's hard to seperate past from present, and that these issues are things I'm still currently working on in therapy. I summed things up by saying that therapy now is not crisis therapy to help me stay alive. It is now therapy to help me live the life I want to live and not be inhibited by a past that wants to cling to me like an old tattoo you wish you'd never gotten.
I know there is much more to tell him and help him understand. However, he's only been home for a week and he's still struggling with sleep deprivation and adjusting to life being home. We have plenty of time. Plus, letting him process what I've told him so far will help him take in more info later.
It feels so much better to feel on the same page with him again and to have my feelings validated and some questions answered. I also hope our conversation will help him feel able to come to me if/when he has issues with me. As much as I try to be, I know I am far from perfect, so I hope he will return the favor when necessary.
Whew! It's nice to just feel happy for a bit again.
We also laid the groundwork for us to continue talks about therapy and why it is helpful for me and will hopefully naturally lead into explaining DID at the right time. Yesterday we spent time mostly just explaining to him why I'm in therapy "still" and how it is helpful. Because he came into my life after I stopped self-injuring and was no longer having suicidal ideations, he's not seen a lot of things that I/we've dealt with, and as a result, he struggles to understand why I'm in therapy at all. I love that he sees me as one of the strongest women he's ever met, but I also want him to see that I am vulnerable and not near as self-assured as I appear. I also began to explain PTSD to him in the sense how everyday "normal life" events can at times be more overwhelming for me than other people because they trigger old memories, flashbacks, or messages from the abuser and things feel compounded. I talked about how at these times it's hard to seperate past from present, and that these issues are things I'm still currently working on in therapy. I summed things up by saying that therapy now is not crisis therapy to help me stay alive. It is now therapy to help me live the life I want to live and not be inhibited by a past that wants to cling to me like an old tattoo you wish you'd never gotten.
I know there is much more to tell him and help him understand. However, he's only been home for a week and he's still struggling with sleep deprivation and adjusting to life being home. We have plenty of time. Plus, letting him process what I've told him so far will help him take in more info later.
It feels so much better to feel on the same page with him again and to have my feelings validated and some questions answered. I also hope our conversation will help him feel able to come to me if/when he has issues with me. As much as I try to be, I know I am far from perfect, so I hope he will return the favor when necessary.
Whew! It's nice to just feel happy for a bit again.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Text Message
I received a text message this evening from my crazy ex-roommate. I went back through blog entries b/c I was going to link to the blog that explained about crazy roommate for those who are newer to reading my blog and realized I started this blog right after I moved out of her house, so she never made a blog entry. So before I explain tonight's text, I need to give a little background.
I lived with (let's call her B) from May 2008 - Jan 2009. We went to church together and she seemed cool. My previous roommate's sister was moving to town and they wanted to live together, so I was desperately looking for another place to live. My job didn't pay enough for me to get a place of my own. Plus, at this time, I hadn't had the best track record of staying safe when I was alone. B had just bought a 3 bedroom townhome and was looking for roommates to share the bills. Seemed liked perfect timing, so I moved in with B. Of course, her boyfriend (who was a friend of mine from college) broke up with her the week before I moved in because that's my luck. Now, before you think I'm taking an awful situation about her and making it about me, I was very sad for her and supportive. For several months I didn't talk to my college friend b/c I was being her friend and roommate. The problem developed when I realized how obsessive she was about this guy and how many times a day she called him, drove by his house, sent him text messages, and anything else she could think of to still be in contact with him. She was also constantly accusing him of having a new girlfriend and cheating on her. I don't know how you cheat on someone you've broken up with, but she was a wreck. In all honesty, I don't think I would have lasted as long as I did, except I met my fiance' about 2 weeks after moving in with her, and he was a huge support and distraction for me.
Anyways, the longer I lived with B, the more "issues" I realized she had. Now, I'm not one to move out on someone b/c of issues. Heavens knows I have tons on my own, and I truly do have compassion for people and their struggles. The problem is that she had/has no desire to overcome or even acknowledge her major issues and instead uses them to manipulate situations and people to get her way and always be the center of attention. There are several examples, but one is how she somehow guilted me into throwing her a surprise birthday party for her birthday in October. The main issue B liked to focus on was her eating disorder. She did have a legit eating disorder. The ED itself didn't bother me. The fact that she told everyone under the sun who would listen to her that she had one and how hard it was and how she was working to overcome it, and then at home would come into my room to tell me she just took a box of laxitives. After a few ER trips, it became apparent that her ED was out of control, and I was tired of taking off of work to take her to and/or pick her up from the ER if I was unable to stay with her the whole time.
In November, she finally admitted she needed help and left for a 3 month inpatient ED program in California. At the time, I was so proud of her for finally wanting to live healthy and being willing to take the necessary steps to do so - meaning she would miss Thanksgiving and Christmas with her family, plus risk losing her job. I didn't understand why she invited 30 people over to our place the night before she left. Everytime I've been IP, it's been hard enough for me to tell my family and closest friends, and most of the time I've only told those it was necessary to tell b/c my absence would be noticed - like at work or a roommate. But at this point, I still thought - to each his own.
The events that pushed me over the edge actually occurred during the 3 months that she was gone. She was constantly texting me trying to get me to pay her portion of our bills b/c she had no money b/c she wasn't working and was in treatment. I didn't have money to pay her portion and she wouldn't give me her parents info so I could ask them to help me pay her part of the bills. One day towards the end of her stay in California, I received a text from her asking for prayers b/c she'd done something wrong and gotten in trouble at the Ranch. That evening she texted me again and asked me to purchase her a plane ticket home b/c she couldn't take it there anymore. She was too upset to talk to me on the phone and tell me why she needed to come home but wanted me to shell out the money for a plane ticket for her. When I kept asking questions, she quit responding to me, and I didn't hear anything for 2 days.
At this point, I'm really struggling with my own issues. Fiance had recently deployed to Afghanistan and I was in the process of trying to survive a Christmas and January that didn't end in a hospitalization of my own. I didn't have the resources to deal with my roommates issues as well, especially since she was hundreds of miles away. Finally, I decided we needed some boundaries in place before she came home, so I texted her and asked to have a conference call with her and her counselor or social worker before she came home. She responded by telling me she'd already left the Ranch and was at her parents' place in Indiana. She would be coming home tomorrow. I asked her what happened, and the actual story was nothing like what she led me to believe had happened or was going on. I was livid! She'd been manipulating me the whole time. After we hung up, I thought about the entire 9 months we'd lived together and began to see that she carries a lot of traits of someone with borderline personality disorder and all of the ways that she had manipulated me and those around me.
Even before this last conversation with her, my family, close friends, and therapist had been encouraging me to find a new place to live b/c my own mental/emotional health was going downhill rapidly - so rapidly I couldn't even fake things. The conversation on the phone that Sunday night was the final straw. I found another friend I could move in with, called my parents and asked them to come over and help me move the following weekend, and I texted B and told her we needed to have a serious conversation when she came to town the next day. When she arrived home, I told her I was moving out and that I would continue to pay the rent that I owed her, but I would not be living in the same house with her or be part of her support system now that she was back home. She spent the next week using her grandparents, parents, prayer, and any other method she could think of to guilt me into stay and to convince me she had changed. Sadly for her, she didn't realize that everything she was doing only reinforced that she had not changed at all, still put her interests before anyone else, and was as manipulative as ever.
In the end, this entire situation ended up being very triggering for me and parts inside. Typically we're not good at moving, but everyone was happy and felt safer the day we moved out of that place and have not regretted the decision once. We still have to interact with her some, but thankfully it's less and less. I know this is a long entry, but sadly it doesn't do the situation near the justice or explain the torment she put my system through.
All of this to say, I guess I forgot that she still has my cell number and she sent out a mass text this evening. She included me on the text, as she does on most even though I've asked her not to. The text said " My dear friends, tomorrow is a celebration.... it marks 1 year since I've abused laxitives and left 2 go 2 treatment! Praise God! Thx 4 the prayers and support!" In and of itself, I guess this isn't a horrible text. Other than I KNOW she probably sent this to everyone in her address book.... and we were NEVER dear friends! I think what bothered me most is how many awful memories this one text brought up for us. Sadly this text was a pretty large trigger for us this evening. We felt a lot of anger, pain, sadness, and hurt... So many of her manipulative behaviors were linked to manipulative behaviors of our ab*ser b/c of similarities in tactics, so after the horrible memories associated with her, I got hit with a wave of childhood memories. Amazing the small things that will throw your system for a loop when you least expect it!
One positive thing is that we have been able to recognize that we were able to get ourselves out of the unhealthy situation with B and that we can look around and see that we're in a different home now and safe and that we continue to move through time further and further away from our time with B.
For those of you who made it all the way through this post, thank you for reading. I tried to reach my therapist tonight, but she didn't respond. We're not in crisis and this isn't near an emergency, so we're just going to wait and talk to her at our session tomorrow. Her reassurance and support would have been nice tonight, but maybe handling this on our own and just blogging about it will prove to be better for us in the long run.
I lived with (let's call her B) from May 2008 - Jan 2009. We went to church together and she seemed cool. My previous roommate's sister was moving to town and they wanted to live together, so I was desperately looking for another place to live. My job didn't pay enough for me to get a place of my own. Plus, at this time, I hadn't had the best track record of staying safe when I was alone. B had just bought a 3 bedroom townhome and was looking for roommates to share the bills. Seemed liked perfect timing, so I moved in with B. Of course, her boyfriend (who was a friend of mine from college) broke up with her the week before I moved in because that's my luck. Now, before you think I'm taking an awful situation about her and making it about me, I was very sad for her and supportive. For several months I didn't talk to my college friend b/c I was being her friend and roommate. The problem developed when I realized how obsessive she was about this guy and how many times a day she called him, drove by his house, sent him text messages, and anything else she could think of to still be in contact with him. She was also constantly accusing him of having a new girlfriend and cheating on her. I don't know how you cheat on someone you've broken up with, but she was a wreck. In all honesty, I don't think I would have lasted as long as I did, except I met my fiance' about 2 weeks after moving in with her, and he was a huge support and distraction for me.
Anyways, the longer I lived with B, the more "issues" I realized she had. Now, I'm not one to move out on someone b/c of issues. Heavens knows I have tons on my own, and I truly do have compassion for people and their struggles. The problem is that she had/has no desire to overcome or even acknowledge her major issues and instead uses them to manipulate situations and people to get her way and always be the center of attention. There are several examples, but one is how she somehow guilted me into throwing her a surprise birthday party for her birthday in October. The main issue B liked to focus on was her eating disorder. She did have a legit eating disorder. The ED itself didn't bother me. The fact that she told everyone under the sun who would listen to her that she had one and how hard it was and how she was working to overcome it, and then at home would come into my room to tell me she just took a box of laxitives. After a few ER trips, it became apparent that her ED was out of control, and I was tired of taking off of work to take her to and/or pick her up from the ER if I was unable to stay with her the whole time.
In November, she finally admitted she needed help and left for a 3 month inpatient ED program in California. At the time, I was so proud of her for finally wanting to live healthy and being willing to take the necessary steps to do so - meaning she would miss Thanksgiving and Christmas with her family, plus risk losing her job. I didn't understand why she invited 30 people over to our place the night before she left. Everytime I've been IP, it's been hard enough for me to tell my family and closest friends, and most of the time I've only told those it was necessary to tell b/c my absence would be noticed - like at work or a roommate. But at this point, I still thought - to each his own.
The events that pushed me over the edge actually occurred during the 3 months that she was gone. She was constantly texting me trying to get me to pay her portion of our bills b/c she had no money b/c she wasn't working and was in treatment. I didn't have money to pay her portion and she wouldn't give me her parents info so I could ask them to help me pay her part of the bills. One day towards the end of her stay in California, I received a text from her asking for prayers b/c she'd done something wrong and gotten in trouble at the Ranch. That evening she texted me again and asked me to purchase her a plane ticket home b/c she couldn't take it there anymore. She was too upset to talk to me on the phone and tell me why she needed to come home but wanted me to shell out the money for a plane ticket for her. When I kept asking questions, she quit responding to me, and I didn't hear anything for 2 days.
At this point, I'm really struggling with my own issues. Fiance had recently deployed to Afghanistan and I was in the process of trying to survive a Christmas and January that didn't end in a hospitalization of my own. I didn't have the resources to deal with my roommates issues as well, especially since she was hundreds of miles away. Finally, I decided we needed some boundaries in place before she came home, so I texted her and asked to have a conference call with her and her counselor or social worker before she came home. She responded by telling me she'd already left the Ranch and was at her parents' place in Indiana. She would be coming home tomorrow. I asked her what happened, and the actual story was nothing like what she led me to believe had happened or was going on. I was livid! She'd been manipulating me the whole time. After we hung up, I thought about the entire 9 months we'd lived together and began to see that she carries a lot of traits of someone with borderline personality disorder and all of the ways that she had manipulated me and those around me.
Even before this last conversation with her, my family, close friends, and therapist had been encouraging me to find a new place to live b/c my own mental/emotional health was going downhill rapidly - so rapidly I couldn't even fake things. The conversation on the phone that Sunday night was the final straw. I found another friend I could move in with, called my parents and asked them to come over and help me move the following weekend, and I texted B and told her we needed to have a serious conversation when she came to town the next day. When she arrived home, I told her I was moving out and that I would continue to pay the rent that I owed her, but I would not be living in the same house with her or be part of her support system now that she was back home. She spent the next week using her grandparents, parents, prayer, and any other method she could think of to guilt me into stay and to convince me she had changed. Sadly for her, she didn't realize that everything she was doing only reinforced that she had not changed at all, still put her interests before anyone else, and was as manipulative as ever.
In the end, this entire situation ended up being very triggering for me and parts inside. Typically we're not good at moving, but everyone was happy and felt safer the day we moved out of that place and have not regretted the decision once. We still have to interact with her some, but thankfully it's less and less. I know this is a long entry, but sadly it doesn't do the situation near the justice or explain the torment she put my system through.
All of this to say, I guess I forgot that she still has my cell number and she sent out a mass text this evening. She included me on the text, as she does on most even though I've asked her not to. The text said " My dear friends, tomorrow is a celebration.... it marks 1 year since I've abused laxitives and left 2 go 2 treatment! Praise God! Thx 4 the prayers and support!" In and of itself, I guess this isn't a horrible text. Other than I KNOW she probably sent this to everyone in her address book.... and we were NEVER dear friends! I think what bothered me most is how many awful memories this one text brought up for us. Sadly this text was a pretty large trigger for us this evening. We felt a lot of anger, pain, sadness, and hurt... So many of her manipulative behaviors were linked to manipulative behaviors of our ab*ser b/c of similarities in tactics, so after the horrible memories associated with her, I got hit with a wave of childhood memories. Amazing the small things that will throw your system for a loop when you least expect it!
One positive thing is that we have been able to recognize that we were able to get ourselves out of the unhealthy situation with B and that we can look around and see that we're in a different home now and safe and that we continue to move through time further and further away from our time with B.
For those of you who made it all the way through this post, thank you for reading. I tried to reach my therapist tonight, but she didn't respond. We're not in crisis and this isn't near an emergency, so we're just going to wait and talk to her at our session tomorrow. Her reassurance and support would have been nice tonight, but maybe handling this on our own and just blogging about it will prove to be better for us in the long run.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Smart therapist *May trigger*
So, I guess it's part of the reason I continue to go to therapy... Not only to deal with childhood hurts and current difficulties but also to gain insight and perspective. I must say I am mostly grateful, but sometimes after I talk over something with her, the answer makes so much sense that I wonder why I didn't see it myself?
Today in therapy we talked about the nightmare I had Monday night. After talking over with therapist the dream now makes sense. A lot of the later, more extensive abuse took place in my abuser's basement. The new apt. that I just moved into is in the basement of a house and a family lives in the house upstairs. While my new apartment is completely finished, furnished, and looks nothing like the basement from my childhood, it is very feasible that the literal similarities of being in a basement witn an older man living in the house above us could have majorly triggered parts. Thankfully therapist and I both think these feelings will be passing the longer we stay and see that this situation is a safe one and very different from our childhood memories. The family that owns the house and the apartment have been nothing but great to me. They are safe people and hopefully this will prove to be a great learning experience for all of us.
In the meantime, we will just continue to talk things out in therapy and pray that the nightmares get less and less everynight until they're gone. We also aren't under any contract at this place, so should our symptoms get worse as time goes on (which I highly doubt), we can move out at any point into a new place. I think that's comforting to some inside. We are not trapped in this living situation at all.
We're out of town for the rest of the week and weekend, so maybe when we're back in the apartment Monday night we'll be rested and ready to give the new place a go again.
Today in therapy we talked about the nightmare I had Monday night. After talking over with therapist the dream now makes sense. A lot of the later, more extensive abuse took place in my abuser's basement. The new apt. that I just moved into is in the basement of a house and a family lives in the house upstairs. While my new apartment is completely finished, furnished, and looks nothing like the basement from my childhood, it is very feasible that the literal similarities of being in a basement witn an older man living in the house above us could have majorly triggered parts. Thankfully therapist and I both think these feelings will be passing the longer we stay and see that this situation is a safe one and very different from our childhood memories. The family that owns the house and the apartment have been nothing but great to me. They are safe people and hopefully this will prove to be a great learning experience for all of us.
In the meantime, we will just continue to talk things out in therapy and pray that the nightmares get less and less everynight until they're gone. We also aren't under any contract at this place, so should our symptoms get worse as time goes on (which I highly doubt), we can move out at any point into a new place. I think that's comforting to some inside. We are not trapped in this living situation at all.
We're out of town for the rest of the week and weekend, so maybe when we're back in the apartment Monday night we'll be rested and ready to give the new place a go again.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
First Night Didn't Go so Well
Well, I'm definitely more settled in and have personal effects up now. My new place is really nice and I think we will like it here. However, last night was one of the worst nights of sleep/dreaming we've had in a long time.
Our new apartment is a basement/mother-in-law style apartment in the basement of this family's house where I will be attending church while in this city. They've been nothing but gracious to me and are allowing me to live here for next to nothing. If I wasn't used to substituting random people and random situations into my nightmares, then I think I would feel guilty about last nights dreams on top of how awful the dreams made me feel. Luckily, I can seperate that this was just a dream and has no bearing on the people living upstairs.
This is the part where I talk about the dream. *May be triggering*
I dreamt the man of the household held me captive in my apartment. Except the apartment wasn't in the basement of their house. It was a cabin in the woods. And the man holding me captive was my landlord, but he didn't look like the man who lives upstairs in this house. He used me and abused me. I have pictures in my mind of him raping me that are so vivid, that if I hadn't been an adult in my dream and know for a fact nothing has happened to me as an adult, I would swear these were real memories resurfacing.
I was able to escape at some point. In my dream, I told my mother (something I never did as a child or would have done in the past) and they moved me out immediately promising to find me a safer place to live. This part of the dream was validating, but I remember feeling so traumatized by the time that I was rescued that it didn't feel it mattered.
I woke up a few times during the night but was never able to stop the dream. The dream either picked up where it left off or started over again. It's been a long time since we've had a traumatic dream that appeared to take place in the present. I was so drained this morning and so overwhelmed by all the feelings and images, I wasn't able to get out of bed until noon today. Thankfully, today was just a day of unpacking, so it didn't matter much.
Really praying tonight's sleep is better. If we start a pattern of nightmares at the beginning of sleeping in this new place, then it will never feel safe to lots of parts inside and we really need home to be a safe place.
Our new apartment is a basement/mother-in-law style apartment in the basement of this family's house where I will be attending church while in this city. They've been nothing but gracious to me and are allowing me to live here for next to nothing. If I wasn't used to substituting random people and random situations into my nightmares, then I think I would feel guilty about last nights dreams on top of how awful the dreams made me feel. Luckily, I can seperate that this was just a dream and has no bearing on the people living upstairs.
This is the part where I talk about the dream. *May be triggering*
I dreamt the man of the household held me captive in my apartment. Except the apartment wasn't in the basement of their house. It was a cabin in the woods. And the man holding me captive was my landlord, but he didn't look like the man who lives upstairs in this house. He used me and abused me. I have pictures in my mind of him raping me that are so vivid, that if I hadn't been an adult in my dream and know for a fact nothing has happened to me as an adult, I would swear these were real memories resurfacing.
I was able to escape at some point. In my dream, I told my mother (something I never did as a child or would have done in the past) and they moved me out immediately promising to find me a safer place to live. This part of the dream was validating, but I remember feeling so traumatized by the time that I was rescued that it didn't feel it mattered.
I woke up a few times during the night but was never able to stop the dream. The dream either picked up where it left off or started over again. It's been a long time since we've had a traumatic dream that appeared to take place in the present. I was so drained this morning and so overwhelmed by all the feelings and images, I wasn't able to get out of bed until noon today. Thankfully, today was just a day of unpacking, so it didn't matter much.
Really praying tonight's sleep is better. If we start a pattern of nightmares at the beginning of sleeping in this new place, then it will never feel safe to lots of parts inside and we really need home to be a safe place.
Monday, August 17, 2009
rough therapy session
So I got up the nerve to ask therapist to read the blog entry about Thursday night's bed wetting incident. It felt easier to us for her to already know the incident rather than have to try to tell her. At the same time, this meant that, of course, today's session focused on the incident, the triggers, and the memories behind it.
Wow! I totally got the wind knocked out of me by today's session. I had no clue about who had felt triggered, what the trigger was or any idea about the memories associated with it when I showed up for the session. Within the first five minutes a nine year old part was forward in tears apologizing and explaining how it was an automatic reaction to certain physical sensations and feelings. Apparently the dream we were having that night triggered her and her extreme fear triggered the physical response of wetting the bed.
With some coaxing, therapist was able to have the younger part share the memories related to this trigger response. Knowing the story behind the response, it does make perfect sense, and it explains other incidences throughout my life (not all wetting the bed) that I've never been able to understand why we responded the way we did..... and especially why I responded a certain way to something I thought I had no experience with. It's so weird. They're new memories to me and need to be processed, but they make pieces of my life make more sense. Memories like these are relieving b/c they fill in gaps and sooooooo painful because they continue to solidify our past, in addition to just being painful to look at, think about, and process.
Among all of us, I think our tears ran almost solid for about 4 hours tonight. It's been awhile since we've cried that hard and that long about something. I so wished my fiance' was around tonight so he could comfort me and make me feel safe, but at the same time I was so glad he was far away and couldn't see me like that. As much progress as we're making in self-esteem and trusting him, there's still a fear that the first time he really sees us struggling (even if it's just for a few hours), he's going to change his mind. Those that know me in real life, say this is an unfounded fear. I don't think I'll be able to shake it until I see how he really does respond, but at the same time I don't want to see it on the chance it's not what I want/need.
And this loops back into the ever present struggle of whether it's better to deal with things on your own knowing you can look people in the eyes b/c they don't know your dark secrets, or reaching out for help and support and risking being let down and/or embarrassed. I am learning that talking and not doing things alone really is easier and better, and that I don't give the people in my life enough credit for what they are capable of handling. At the same time, there's always that feeling that the next issue may be the one to push them over the edge.
I don't know. I feel like I'm rambling now. I really do use this blog like my personal journal rather than thinking about what I'm going to write and posting it in a succinct and to the point manner. *Sigh.* Bedtime.
Wow! I totally got the wind knocked out of me by today's session. I had no clue about who had felt triggered, what the trigger was or any idea about the memories associated with it when I showed up for the session. Within the first five minutes a nine year old part was forward in tears apologizing and explaining how it was an automatic reaction to certain physical sensations and feelings. Apparently the dream we were having that night triggered her and her extreme fear triggered the physical response of wetting the bed.
With some coaxing, therapist was able to have the younger part share the memories related to this trigger response. Knowing the story behind the response, it does make perfect sense, and it explains other incidences throughout my life (not all wetting the bed) that I've never been able to understand why we responded the way we did..... and especially why I responded a certain way to something I thought I had no experience with. It's so weird. They're new memories to me and need to be processed, but they make pieces of my life make more sense. Memories like these are relieving b/c they fill in gaps and sooooooo painful because they continue to solidify our past, in addition to just being painful to look at, think about, and process.
Among all of us, I think our tears ran almost solid for about 4 hours tonight. It's been awhile since we've cried that hard and that long about something. I so wished my fiance' was around tonight so he could comfort me and make me feel safe, but at the same time I was so glad he was far away and couldn't see me like that. As much progress as we're making in self-esteem and trusting him, there's still a fear that the first time he really sees us struggling (even if it's just for a few hours), he's going to change his mind. Those that know me in real life, say this is an unfounded fear. I don't think I'll be able to shake it until I see how he really does respond, but at the same time I don't want to see it on the chance it's not what I want/need.
And this loops back into the ever present struggle of whether it's better to deal with things on your own knowing you can look people in the eyes b/c they don't know your dark secrets, or reaching out for help and support and risking being let down and/or embarrassed. I am learning that talking and not doing things alone really is easier and better, and that I don't give the people in my life enough credit for what they are capable of handling. At the same time, there's always that feeling that the next issue may be the one to push them over the edge.
I don't know. I feel like I'm rambling now. I really do use this blog like my personal journal rather than thinking about what I'm going to write and posting it in a succinct and to the point manner. *Sigh.* Bedtime.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
We all walk alone
I've wanted to believe for so long that when you found the right therapist, the right friend, the right boyfriend that I wouldn't have to walk this road alone anymore. The truth is we all walk this road alone. Every human pretty much walks the road of his/her life alone. You have support. People come in and out and pick you up when you need it, but no one actually walks through life with someone else.
We're having a really rough time still. I know it will pass, but it's been awhile since feelings have been this intense and I've been so acutely aware of how bad some things still are inside. Saw therapist today for a little over an hour. I have friends I could call for support right now. Therapist even said I could call her anytime if I thought it would help us. It doesn't have to be a crisis. Safety contracts have been made. Support systems are set up.
I think the sobering thought is that I have about everything I could ask for support-wise right now, and I'm still mostly doing this alone. What we wish for is impossible.... someone to be with us 24/7.... to truely walk with us. No person has that though. Everyone on this planet faces trials, lots of people have support, but we all still walk through this world and our struggles mostly on our own. It would be impossible for someone to completely walk with you even if they wanted to. They have their own life, own issues, own commitments. It's a really nice thing to dream about, but I need to quit thinking that I'll find the right person and I won't have to do this alone anymore.
I need to use and appreciate the help that I do have and quit hoping for something that won't happen. We can take care of us. We've been doing that for a long time. It's not easy but we can do it. I realize this isn't unique to us. I hope I'm conveying that. I realize every person on this planet deals with this same issue.
It just sucks..... that's all there is to it.... I'm struggling and I'm alone and I don't want to be either!
We're having a really rough time still. I know it will pass, but it's been awhile since feelings have been this intense and I've been so acutely aware of how bad some things still are inside. Saw therapist today for a little over an hour. I have friends I could call for support right now. Therapist even said I could call her anytime if I thought it would help us. It doesn't have to be a crisis. Safety contracts have been made. Support systems are set up.
I think the sobering thought is that I have about everything I could ask for support-wise right now, and I'm still mostly doing this alone. What we wish for is impossible.... someone to be with us 24/7.... to truely walk with us. No person has that though. Everyone on this planet faces trials, lots of people have support, but we all still walk through this world and our struggles mostly on our own. It would be impossible for someone to completely walk with you even if they wanted to. They have their own life, own issues, own commitments. It's a really nice thing to dream about, but I need to quit thinking that I'll find the right person and I won't have to do this alone anymore.
I need to use and appreciate the help that I do have and quit hoping for something that won't happen. We can take care of us. We've been doing that for a long time. It's not easy but we can do it. I realize this isn't unique to us. I hope I'm conveying that. I realize every person on this planet deals with this same issue.
It just sucks..... that's all there is to it.... I'm struggling and I'm alone and I don't want to be either!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Half-birthday
So yesterday was an insightful day for me. I had a few mini revelations that I was looking forward to blogging about, but the day got away from me and then I was too exhausted to blog. I assumed I could just blog about it today. Not going to be the case. Having a really crappy day and those positive revelations from yesterday don't mean much right now.
If my title confused some of you, let me explain. Tomorrow is my half-birthday. I was born Dec. 4, so June 4 is my half-birthday. Make sense? Most of you may think this is very odd and never even thought about it before. Well, when I was a child my mother always celebrated my real birthday with just family because it was so close to Christmas and because we could never do anything outdoors. So, in order for me to get to celebrate my birthday with my friends and be able to have things like swimming pool parties, she started celebrating my 1/2 birthday with my friends. It seemed easier for kids to come because school was out and probably easier for my mom to plan since she was a teacher and off in the summers. I have a few actual good memories related to my 1/2 birthday, but overall this is a very bad day for me.
I was generally not around my abuser on my actual birthday b/c my family kept me busy, but my 1/2 birthday was different. I was home all day b/c it was summer and the parties usually only lasted a couple of hours. He chose this time to give me my "birthday present" each year. It makes me so sick to my stomach to think about that I don't think I can even go into details yet. Maybe when we're more removed from the situation. More than anything it was just such a confusing time.... being showered with gifts, told we were pretty, told we were loved, all the while being physically and sexually abused. Usually there was always something "new" for us to do on my 1/2 birthday as well. Something always worse, more painful, or more disgusting.
How do you reconcile one person playing both sides of the coin (you're beautiful/you're trash, I love you/you deserve to die, etc.) for so long at such a young age? It makes it to easy to understand why my self image is so screwed up. It's not completely horrible, but it is by no means good and can go back and forth on any given day.
For example: I got my hair cut last night. The girl that cuts my hair is putting a portfolio together b/c she wants to move out to LA and work. She asked if she could do my hair and have photos taken b/c she loves my hair. I thought okay. Then she proceeded to tell me that a professional would do my make up and someone else was going to take the pictures (so, these aren't just going to be pics of the back of my head). My photos will be used in all 3 people's portfolios. My hair stylist then goes on and on about how I should really look into going into modeling. Obviously, I think she's crazy, but I must say it was a confusing yet nice boost to my self esteem. Someone thinks I'm pretty........ Felt pretty good about myself yesterday.
Today I feel like crap. Sub-human. Not entitled to anything and feeling like I should profusely thank anyone who shows me any type of genuine kindness today. I want to crawl in a hole and disappear. And why is this starting today???? Usually it's just a day of thing. This year I'm going to get to sit with all these memories and flashbacks for at least two days. Lucky me!
Sh*t. I swear, everytime it feels like I'm really getting solid in a good place, something makes the whole ground shake and even if my whole world doesn't fall apart, any self-confidence I may have built up goes down the drain. Can I just disappear for a couple of days?
If my title confused some of you, let me explain. Tomorrow is my half-birthday. I was born Dec. 4, so June 4 is my half-birthday. Make sense? Most of you may think this is very odd and never even thought about it before. Well, when I was a child my mother always celebrated my real birthday with just family because it was so close to Christmas and because we could never do anything outdoors. So, in order for me to get to celebrate my birthday with my friends and be able to have things like swimming pool parties, she started celebrating my 1/2 birthday with my friends. It seemed easier for kids to come because school was out and probably easier for my mom to plan since she was a teacher and off in the summers. I have a few actual good memories related to my 1/2 birthday, but overall this is a very bad day for me.
I was generally not around my abuser on my actual birthday b/c my family kept me busy, but my 1/2 birthday was different. I was home all day b/c it was summer and the parties usually only lasted a couple of hours. He chose this time to give me my "birthday present" each year. It makes me so sick to my stomach to think about that I don't think I can even go into details yet. Maybe when we're more removed from the situation. More than anything it was just such a confusing time.... being showered with gifts, told we were pretty, told we were loved, all the while being physically and sexually abused. Usually there was always something "new" for us to do on my 1/2 birthday as well. Something always worse, more painful, or more disgusting.
How do you reconcile one person playing both sides of the coin (you're beautiful/you're trash, I love you/you deserve to die, etc.) for so long at such a young age? It makes it to easy to understand why my self image is so screwed up. It's not completely horrible, but it is by no means good and can go back and forth on any given day.
For example: I got my hair cut last night. The girl that cuts my hair is putting a portfolio together b/c she wants to move out to LA and work. She asked if she could do my hair and have photos taken b/c she loves my hair. I thought okay. Then she proceeded to tell me that a professional would do my make up and someone else was going to take the pictures (so, these aren't just going to be pics of the back of my head). My photos will be used in all 3 people's portfolios. My hair stylist then goes on and on about how I should really look into going into modeling. Obviously, I think she's crazy, but I must say it was a confusing yet nice boost to my self esteem. Someone thinks I'm pretty........ Felt pretty good about myself yesterday.
Today I feel like crap. Sub-human. Not entitled to anything and feeling like I should profusely thank anyone who shows me any type of genuine kindness today. I want to crawl in a hole and disappear. And why is this starting today???? Usually it's just a day of thing. This year I'm going to get to sit with all these memories and flashbacks for at least two days. Lucky me!
Sh*t. I swear, everytime it feels like I'm really getting solid in a good place, something makes the whole ground shake and even if my whole world doesn't fall apart, any self-confidence I may have built up goes down the drain. Can I just disappear for a couple of days?
Friday, March 20, 2009
Flashes
Red boa. Red lipstick. I'm cold. Lots of flashes of light coming from the dark. Lights shining bright on me. Darkness in front of me beyond the lights. Someone is ordering me around, but the words are too distant. I can't hear them. I'm moving around but staying in the same place.
And that is all I know right now. Since yesterday evening I've been plagued by what I assume is part of a memory for someone inside. I don't understand it right now. I don't really want to, but I don't think it's going away. Ugh.
And that is all I know right now. Since yesterday evening I've been plagued by what I assume is part of a memory for someone inside. I don't understand it right now. I don't really want to, but I don't think it's going away. Ugh.
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