Holiday Celebrations

This 4th of July was the 3rd one that hubby and I have been in a relationship over, but the first one we've actually been able to spend together. July 4, 2008 he was in California training for deployment. July 4, 2009 he was in Afghanistan working hard so I and everyone else in the US could enjoy our 4th of July freedom. This year he was home and with me. We had a 4 day weekend and spent a couple of days at an amusement part and then a couple of days at the lake with my family.

Since meeting hubby and especially since his return from deployment all holidays seem to carry more weight. Hubby enjoys the holidays and the time off from work, but his mind is constantly thinking of those soldiers who are deployed and not at home to enjoy the holidays with their family. Patriotic holidays are the worst. They are a curse and a blessing for him right now (and for me too). On one hand, there is a much greater understanding of what American freedom means and how great the cost was and is, but on the other hand hubby struggles with guilt that he is here enjoying that freedom while others are constantly risking their lives overseas. Next 4th of July he will again be serving in Afghanistan (boo for me), and he is able to understand that this is his time home to rest and retrain. When he goes back over, the guys there now will have their time home to rest and get ready to go back. Everything he does at work now revolves around deploying again. He rarely has out of site out of mind moments (like most of us do) about the war that is still raging in the Middle East. In fact, the only times I ever see hubby tear up are when he's talking about deployed soldiers - during the toast at our wedding on Memorial Day weekend and talking to me during the fireworks show 4th of July night. He struggles not to get frustrated by how little people actually know and understand about what's going on. He gets that it's because so many are just no exposed to the war or much information about it on a regular basis, so he works hard to keep things in perspective and be gracious, but I know patriotic holidays are extra hard for him.

While I am now walking this road with him and I have a much greater and personal understanding of all the sacrifices and danger involved, I also realize I do not walk this road at the same level he does, and I'm working hard to be supportive and find ways that help him express whatever he feels without feeling judged or told to "get over it."

Thinking about this situation with him the past couple of days has gotten me thinking about how so many of us walk our own war and battles (either with memories or current dangerous situations) and most of society has no clue the toll it's taking on you or others you know who are fighting the same battle. If you're blessed, you have a spouse, family, or friends who do their best to understand and be supportive... and who may even get things to an extent as they walk through life with you, but no one can really understand it like you do, and those that come the closest to understanding are the ones who have walked or are walking the same battles.

In some ways I feel like hubby and I are both fighting "quieted" wars. His is sometimes in the media and uses weapons and explosives, but the majority of the world has no clue as to what things are really like. Only those I tell know about my war and it seems the overall war against fighting sexual abuse and assault is one that is pushed under the carpet too much b/c it's too heinous to think that people are actually that perverted and cruel. But I know my struggles, I see my friends' struggles and it is all very real.... Just as real as the war in the Middle East... and no matter how much the general population may want to ingore both, they are happening and affecting a larger number of people than I think anyone can imagine.

On a personal level, my prayers that hubby and I can continue to learn how to best support each other in our battles and also reach out to those in similar circumstances as us and offer support and encouragment as well.

Memorial Day

I've always considered myself to be pretty patriotic. Both of my grandfathers were in the military. I have a 2nd cousin serving in Afghanistan right now. On Memorial Day I always take the time to remember those who have died for our freedom and those who are currently fighting for our freedom and safety. I sing the patriotic songs along with the radio, spend time with my family. Overall it's a generally happy holiday for me.

This year has been totally different. With boyfriend currently over in Afghanistan, days like today take on a new meaning. Most of the day I was still really happy. I was very proud to tell my family about the latest things my boyfriend is doing overseas and proud to tell my friends and everyone that he was my boyfriend. I am so proud of his commitment and his bravery.

My drive from my family's place to mine is about an hour and a half. I cranked up the radio and planned to sing along in the car like I usually do. Since it was Memorial Day, most of the Country stations were playing all of their patriotic songs. I knew all of the songs. I've sung along with most of them several times. Tonight though, they overwhelmed me. All I could think about was how far away boyfriend is, how he's at WAR, and how there is the possibility he will never come home to me. Mostly I keep these thoughts in my subconscious and just pretend he's on a trip or something. He'll be home in 2 1/2 weeks for his R&R. I haven't seen him in 6 months. The fact that I'm close to seeing him is making my missing him even worse and my fear that something will stop him from making it home is growing as well. Not to mention he'll only be here for 2 weeks and then he has to go back to Afghanistan for another 6 months.

Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked. After about 30 minutes in the car listening to the radio, I guess emotions I've been stuffing or not wanting to feel finally surfaced. All those patriotic songs were having an impact. I had a major meltdown. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Everyone says I've been handling things so well. A meltdown every now and then should be expected. I haven't cried that hard for that long in a very long time. The fear and the heartache were so strong.

This isn't like the abuse or anything to be ashamed of, so I could have called anyone for support. My family, my friends, my therapist, but I didn't want to call anyone. It felt like I needed to grieve this alone. I'm assuming it's because I've grieved most major things in my life alone b/c sharing them with someone else was out of the question. To a degree, I guess it's become my preferred way of grieving. I don't know what's healthy or not. I just know I noticed that I didn't want to talk to anyone when I was in the middle of my meltdown. I also know by the time I got home, I was loathing the fact that it was Memorial Day b/c I am tired of being reminded why this day exists in the first place.

I know this is all just my emotions going crazy because boyfriend has been gone so long and I'm hearing about how many soldiers have died in war and specifically in Afghanistan. I love boyfriend so much. Thoughts of him not coming home to me feel unbearable, so I just don't go there. Today I was kind of forced to. I hope it's not patriotic that I will be happy when this day is over and I don't have to be reminded every second about how dangerous war is and how much I miss boyfriend.

Ugh. Waterworks starting again... Think I'm just going to crawl into bed.