I feel as though I've been all over the place emotionally in the past week. The anger that I discussed in my last post subsided and was replaced with state of alternating between desperation for help and feeling resigned to just be. I felt incredibly alone over the weekend dealing with some new and painful memories that I couldn't share b/c other parts were so adamant that we could not share the information. Parts were threatening self-injury and death if we told. Now, that may not have happened, but I've learned over the years not to take those threats lightly. I've never been in a place of truly wanting to share the pain I was in and feeling "bullied" into not being able to. Other parts were in that place while the abuse was occurring, but I didn't have that specific experience. I've not shared things in the past by my choice, but never b/c someone else wouldn't let me.
Monday's therapy session broke through a lot of barriers and diffused some parts who were threatening self-harm. I gotta admit. I don't think therapist knew exactly what she was doing, but she did some great work helping parts do a 180 in thinking really quickly. I actually think this is part of what makes her an awesome therapist. She does great work even when she's not fully sure what to do to help me. :) By the time we left her office Monday, safety was no longer an issue and we were able to share the information we'd been dying to share but were too afraid to share.
Over the next couple of days, my rational mind thought this was great. In some aspects I had more of my life back. My emotional mind was still a wreck. There's a lot of new pain setting in regarding the new information that was shared and the shifting taking place inside. Safety is not an issue but some of the pain still feels overwhelming. Several younger parts who are in a lot of pain noticed that we didn't talk to therapist as much and she didn't check in on us between sessions once safety wasn't a concern. This a+b=c thinking led parts to think that the only way to get the attention that they felt we needed was to threaten to or actually self-injure. We spent the next 48 hours arguing with ourselves about how self-injury does not actually equate to safety just b/c people pay more attention to us. We got to talk to therapist about this yesterday, and it was helpful. It didn't "fix" everything, but she helped put parts minds at ease that she doesn't forget about them or not care about them during the times we're not speaking to her - it's not an out of sight, out of mind situation.
Today I feel blah. Not having any self-injury impulses, thankfully. But I want to cry and I think I'd be very content to just lie on my couch all day. On top of all of this therapy stuff, I've had a lot of strong emotions regarding my husband. See, he's on his way home from his 2nd deployment to Afghanistan. He started his trip home Sunday and we thought he'd be home yesterday, but there have been delays, and as of yesterday he was still in Afghanistan. I haven't talked to him in almost 24 hours, so I'm praying he's somewhere in route home now, but I really have no idea. I'm so ready for him to be home, and the emotional drain of thinking he's on his way, then he's not, then he is, then he's not, and now I don't know is almost more than I can handle on top of all of the other emotionally draining situations.
I haven't blogged in several days b/c I don't feel I've been able to articulate what I really feel or want to say. I'm still not sure I succeeded to day. I'm really just hoping this entry makes sense at this time.
Showing posts with label safety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label safety. Show all posts
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
wall of ignorance down; 20 new walls up
I guess I got a bit of insight today in therapy. A lot of things are still fuzzy and unaswered, and I'm doing my best to not fill in the blanks b/c I tend to catastrophize when I do that, but it's hard not to.
Yesterday I blogged about feeling clueless about what's going on internally and wondering if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Today I learned that the reason I can't hear anything internally is that a part I haven't heard from in over 2 years has put up walls among all of us. We are all isolated from each other. A younger part managed to find her way out during therapy today and explain to therapist how scared and alone she was and that she couldn't hear anyone else inside. While this part was talking, I actually did a little bit of internal exploration (I know. Shocking that I would do this on purpose.). It seems as though we are all walled off from each other and even moreso that I am the only part that has access to the external world easily.
Therapist started talking about possibly moving these new walls or finding ways around them to restore internal communication among parts. Her theory is there is fear and adjustment issues regarding some of us doing so well and other still struggling so much, thus the seperation and changes inside. I could go along with that except that I switched out to another part neither of us has heard from in a couple of years who stated that the walls were not to be moved and were to be left alone. She was adament about us not meddling with things.
I am sure this part isn't purposely trying to hurt us. Last time she was present, she appeared as an introject and put our safety into question multiple times. With a lot of work and extra therapy help, we were able to get to her true identity and understand that he had created her to do and say such things should we ever reach a certain place in healing. We helped her understand how he had manipulated her and that what she was doing was actually hurting the body not keeping it safe. Once she understood the differences, she was very amiable and wanted to be helpful. Then she just went quiet.
With her back again and causing a complete blackout on internal communication, it's hard for me not to think she's been triggered to "sabotage" again. I do believe like last time we can show her the truth and we can work through this, but I don't trust her at all right now as far as acting out goes. And if this does play out this way, husband's gonna get a good does of DID dysfunction rather quickly into our marriage. It's strange that I fear more for him right now than for me. Not fear as in I/we might hurt him physically. But my gut is telling me that the purpose of what's going on internally now is to disrupt what is currently a very happy marriage.
See, when I fill in the gaps, I do sort of catastrophize, but it's really hard not to when I'm going off of past experiences. The major thing I do have going for me this time around is that through prayer and the examples of friends, I am more convicted than ever to turn this over to God and let him do the major battle.
I have full faith that things will be okay on the other side of this and that my marriage is safe. It is founded on Christ after all. However, I think the next few weeks may be a really bumpy ride that I really don't want to sign up for.
But, one day at a time, right?
Yesterday I blogged about feeling clueless about what's going on internally and wondering if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Today I learned that the reason I can't hear anything internally is that a part I haven't heard from in over 2 years has put up walls among all of us. We are all isolated from each other. A younger part managed to find her way out during therapy today and explain to therapist how scared and alone she was and that she couldn't hear anyone else inside. While this part was talking, I actually did a little bit of internal exploration (I know. Shocking that I would do this on purpose.). It seems as though we are all walled off from each other and even moreso that I am the only part that has access to the external world easily.
Therapist started talking about possibly moving these new walls or finding ways around them to restore internal communication among parts. Her theory is there is fear and adjustment issues regarding some of us doing so well and other still struggling so much, thus the seperation and changes inside. I could go along with that except that I switched out to another part neither of us has heard from in a couple of years who stated that the walls were not to be moved and were to be left alone. She was adament about us not meddling with things.
I am sure this part isn't purposely trying to hurt us. Last time she was present, she appeared as an introject and put our safety into question multiple times. With a lot of work and extra therapy help, we were able to get to her true identity and understand that he had created her to do and say such things should we ever reach a certain place in healing. We helped her understand how he had manipulated her and that what she was doing was actually hurting the body not keeping it safe. Once she understood the differences, she was very amiable and wanted to be helpful. Then she just went quiet.
With her back again and causing a complete blackout on internal communication, it's hard for me not to think she's been triggered to "sabotage" again. I do believe like last time we can show her the truth and we can work through this, but I don't trust her at all right now as far as acting out goes. And if this does play out this way, husband's gonna get a good does of DID dysfunction rather quickly into our marriage. It's strange that I fear more for him right now than for me. Not fear as in I/we might hurt him physically. But my gut is telling me that the purpose of what's going on internally now is to disrupt what is currently a very happy marriage.
See, when I fill in the gaps, I do sort of catastrophize, but it's really hard not to when I'm going off of past experiences. The major thing I do have going for me this time around is that through prayer and the examples of friends, I am more convicted than ever to turn this over to God and let him do the major battle.
I have full faith that things will be okay on the other side of this and that my marriage is safe. It is founded on Christ after all. However, I think the next few weeks may be a really bumpy ride that I really don't want to sign up for.
But, one day at a time, right?
Monday, March 22, 2010
Familiar craziness
Well, last week's unfamiliar craziness settled into old familiar craziness after therapy today. On one hand, the way we're feeling now is familiar so there's more an idea of what to expect. On the other hand, I know the potential and places this crazy can take us.
A part that seems to constantly struggle more than her fair share who disoriented us so much last week and made us aware of some things in our internal world that we were unaware of talked again in therapy today.
Let me back up just a bit. I don't have the best internal communication with this part so when she wants to fly below the radar, it's very easy for her to do. Somehow over the past few months she'd managed to take all of her feelings and memories that she held and get them outside of her. For her, this was the most peace she's ever felt. She told therapist today that her body now feels hollow and that she doesn't feel anything. The only drawback to having everything out of her is that it had her completely cut off from the external world, thus the total disorientation.
During therapy today, the black hands (as she calls them) tried to pull her back in while she was forward like they did last session. Therapist worked hard to help keep this part forward. I guess it was working b/c the black hands decided to push all of her feelings and memories back up into her while she was forward since they weren't able to pull her down into it. It was the craziest thing to watch from the inside. It was like all of these pictures and feelings and words filled her hollow body up like a liquid going into a pitcher until she was completely full again.
The pain of having everything back had her wailing in therapy for a bit, then she seemed to very quicky resign to the idea that this is "her lot in life." She then started asking questions about the outside world that she's been missing out on. She was rather surprised to learn that the wedding that was forever away when she first found out is only 2 months away. She has agreed to talk to therapist about her fears and try to understand why marriage and having a man around all the time is a good idea, but I'll admit that I'm scared.
I know she will work hard, but I've been so excited that my wedding is getting close. I feel ready to be married and wish the wedding was next weekend (except for the fact that everything's not done yet). With this part always being the most against an intimate relationship with another human being, especially a male now able to and interested in paying attention to the outside world again, 2 months does NOT feel like enough time. Therapist says she believes this part does not have the energy or is oriented enough to the present yet to sabotage my relationship with fiancee or do something to call the wedding off, but I'm not as convinced. This part is the one who managed to tie our bed sheet in a knot to the bed and the other end into a noose around our neck and try to strangle us while having a flashback in an inpatient hospital. There is the potential she could have succeeded had staff not intervened.
I'm not expecting this part to act on anything anytime soon and hopefully not at all. Still, I hated the familiar thoughts and feelings that were going through my head as I drove home today. At one point, we drove past a truck on the interstate who had a casket company logo on the side. The thought that went through my head.... "I want to be in a casket. I want to stop breathing and rest forever." No part of me planned to do anything to act on those thoughts, but I guess I just got used to not having thoughts like that automatically flow through my head.
For now, I guess we're just going to consider this a work in progress and stay hopeful. :-P
A part that seems to constantly struggle more than her fair share who disoriented us so much last week and made us aware of some things in our internal world that we were unaware of talked again in therapy today.
Let me back up just a bit. I don't have the best internal communication with this part so when she wants to fly below the radar, it's very easy for her to do. Somehow over the past few months she'd managed to take all of her feelings and memories that she held and get them outside of her. For her, this was the most peace she's ever felt. She told therapist today that her body now feels hollow and that she doesn't feel anything. The only drawback to having everything out of her is that it had her completely cut off from the external world, thus the total disorientation.
During therapy today, the black hands (as she calls them) tried to pull her back in while she was forward like they did last session. Therapist worked hard to help keep this part forward. I guess it was working b/c the black hands decided to push all of her feelings and memories back up into her while she was forward since they weren't able to pull her down into it. It was the craziest thing to watch from the inside. It was like all of these pictures and feelings and words filled her hollow body up like a liquid going into a pitcher until she was completely full again.
The pain of having everything back had her wailing in therapy for a bit, then she seemed to very quicky resign to the idea that this is "her lot in life." She then started asking questions about the outside world that she's been missing out on. She was rather surprised to learn that the wedding that was forever away when she first found out is only 2 months away. She has agreed to talk to therapist about her fears and try to understand why marriage and having a man around all the time is a good idea, but I'll admit that I'm scared.
I know she will work hard, but I've been so excited that my wedding is getting close. I feel ready to be married and wish the wedding was next weekend (except for the fact that everything's not done yet). With this part always being the most against an intimate relationship with another human being, especially a male now able to and interested in paying attention to the outside world again, 2 months does NOT feel like enough time. Therapist says she believes this part does not have the energy or is oriented enough to the present yet to sabotage my relationship with fiancee or do something to call the wedding off, but I'm not as convinced. This part is the one who managed to tie our bed sheet in a knot to the bed and the other end into a noose around our neck and try to strangle us while having a flashback in an inpatient hospital. There is the potential she could have succeeded had staff not intervened.
I'm not expecting this part to act on anything anytime soon and hopefully not at all. Still, I hated the familiar thoughts and feelings that were going through my head as I drove home today. At one point, we drove past a truck on the interstate who had a casket company logo on the side. The thought that went through my head.... "I want to be in a casket. I want to stop breathing and rest forever." No part of me planned to do anything to act on those thoughts, but I guess I just got used to not having thoughts like that automatically flow through my head.
For now, I guess we're just going to consider this a work in progress and stay hopeful. :-P
Thursday, February 11, 2010
A little better
I didn't mean for an entire week to go by without posting a blog entry. The good news is that I got some at least temporary relief from last week's issues and got so caught up and busy during this week that I haven't found the time to blog.
One of the key things that I believe has helped me so much more this week came from a realization that I had last week about it being February. Now, I say "I came to a realization" but I'm pretty sure it was a part inside pounding it into my head until I actually listened. Being able to cut myself slack that this is only the 2nd Feb. in 7 years that I haven't been inpatient has really helped a lot. It didn't make anything better, but it helped let off of the shame and guilt I was feeling for not being able to keep things together as well as I'd liked.
I also talked to a very good friend about my fears and shame related to being intimate with my soon to be husband. On one hand I hate that she can absolutely relate to those feelings, but on the other hand, her insight was extremely helpful in helping me keep my thoughts in check so I don't automatically assume the worst.
I spent the weekend with 6 very good girlfriends from college, all of whom are married. The conversations over the weekend helped me better understand what is normal relationship stuff and what are the things I really need to address with fiance. I was amazed at how many things I thought were abnormal to me are very common in most relationships. I guess this is what happens when you've spent most of your life too scared to have a significant relationship with the opposite sex.
The current therapeutic challenge is to help a few parts that are really struggling with the idea of us purposely having sex and it being an okay thing. In fact, just dancing around the topic in session on Monday caused one part to get so upset that I became nauseous and had the old feeling that my body was disgusting. I'm healthy enough not to act on any impulses, but I wanted more than anything to rip my skin off so I could get out of this filth we're forced to live in on a regular basis.
These thoughts kind of freaked me out a bit on Monday. I, at least, don't often feel disgusted in my own body anymore and rarely have impulses to self-harm anymore. I was amazed at how strongly I felt all of these feelings during and after session Monday. Thankfully, they only lasted an hour or so and my external life got busy; I got distracted, and now just plan to leave it contained until Monday's session.
Seems we definitely know where our work needs to go in therapy though. Ugh. I know it's necessary, and I'm on board with doing the work, but I really really hate the work that makes you feel like shit in the process of trying to get to where you feel better. I can only hope and pray that one day I will run out of this type of therapeutic work to do.
One of the key things that I believe has helped me so much more this week came from a realization that I had last week about it being February. Now, I say "I came to a realization" but I'm pretty sure it was a part inside pounding it into my head until I actually listened. Being able to cut myself slack that this is only the 2nd Feb. in 7 years that I haven't been inpatient has really helped a lot. It didn't make anything better, but it helped let off of the shame and guilt I was feeling for not being able to keep things together as well as I'd liked.
I also talked to a very good friend about my fears and shame related to being intimate with my soon to be husband. On one hand I hate that she can absolutely relate to those feelings, but on the other hand, her insight was extremely helpful in helping me keep my thoughts in check so I don't automatically assume the worst.
I spent the weekend with 6 very good girlfriends from college, all of whom are married. The conversations over the weekend helped me better understand what is normal relationship stuff and what are the things I really need to address with fiance. I was amazed at how many things I thought were abnormal to me are very common in most relationships. I guess this is what happens when you've spent most of your life too scared to have a significant relationship with the opposite sex.
The current therapeutic challenge is to help a few parts that are really struggling with the idea of us purposely having sex and it being an okay thing. In fact, just dancing around the topic in session on Monday caused one part to get so upset that I became nauseous and had the old feeling that my body was disgusting. I'm healthy enough not to act on any impulses, but I wanted more than anything to rip my skin off so I could get out of this filth we're forced to live in on a regular basis.
These thoughts kind of freaked me out a bit on Monday. I, at least, don't often feel disgusted in my own body anymore and rarely have impulses to self-harm anymore. I was amazed at how strongly I felt all of these feelings during and after session Monday. Thankfully, they only lasted an hour or so and my external life got busy; I got distracted, and now just plan to leave it contained until Monday's session.
Seems we definitely know where our work needs to go in therapy though. Ugh. I know it's necessary, and I'm on board with doing the work, but I really really hate the work that makes you feel like shit in the process of trying to get to where you feel better. I can only hope and pray that one day I will run out of this type of therapeutic work to do.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Suicide *TW*
One of my fiance's best friends had a friend commit suicide yesterday. I do not know the person that died or anything about the situation, but every time I hear of someone committing suicide my mind seems to go so many places all at once.
Obviously I feel sorry for my fiance's friend and the family of the person who passed. Where my mind seems to go the most is to the person who actually committed suicide. Wishing for death for so many years personally and being in and out of suicidal phases myself, even attempting once, I understand the depths of pain and despair one must be in to actually reach this place and then either attempt or succeed in following through. I wonder what was going on in this guy's life? I wonder what was so painful and so horrible that he decided he couldn't go on one more day... one more minute? I feel so sorry for him that he was experiencing such intense pain and suffering. It is a feeling of utter hopelessness that I would not wish on my worst enemy.
I wonder if anyone was aware and if they were trying to help or not? Was he carrying this burden all alone and putting up a great facade on the outside? Maybe it was a combination of both. When I was at my lowest, most people in my life would have had no clue that suicide was running through my mind constantly. However, my therapist knew, all of my doctors at the inpatient unit and a few close friends knew my struggles. It wasn't enough for me. For me it wasn't about not having support. It was about not feeling I had the energy or desire to continue one more day. My only option - my only way out - was death.
I feel very blessed that I did have people intervene in my life, and that I am here to write this post today. My life is a much different story less than 2 years after my attempt. I wish this guy had been able to find the strength to hold on b/c what I've learned is that God truly is faithful and he will deliver you.... even when you have no idea how and all you see in front of you is a black abyss of hopelessness.
I pray this guy has finally found the peace that he was so desperately searching for and now I pray for peace to those who he left behind who will miss him greatly.
I wonder as time passes from my own darkest hour if my intense feelings of pain for someone who commits suicide (whether I know them or not) will fade or if it will always strike a cord this close to home?
Obviously I feel sorry for my fiance's friend and the family of the person who passed. Where my mind seems to go the most is to the person who actually committed suicide. Wishing for death for so many years personally and being in and out of suicidal phases myself, even attempting once, I understand the depths of pain and despair one must be in to actually reach this place and then either attempt or succeed in following through. I wonder what was going on in this guy's life? I wonder what was so painful and so horrible that he decided he couldn't go on one more day... one more minute? I feel so sorry for him that he was experiencing such intense pain and suffering. It is a feeling of utter hopelessness that I would not wish on my worst enemy.
I wonder if anyone was aware and if they were trying to help or not? Was he carrying this burden all alone and putting up a great facade on the outside? Maybe it was a combination of both. When I was at my lowest, most people in my life would have had no clue that suicide was running through my mind constantly. However, my therapist knew, all of my doctors at the inpatient unit and a few close friends knew my struggles. It wasn't enough for me. For me it wasn't about not having support. It was about not feeling I had the energy or desire to continue one more day. My only option - my only way out - was death.
I feel very blessed that I did have people intervene in my life, and that I am here to write this post today. My life is a much different story less than 2 years after my attempt. I wish this guy had been able to find the strength to hold on b/c what I've learned is that God truly is faithful and he will deliver you.... even when you have no idea how and all you see in front of you is a black abyss of hopelessness.
I pray this guy has finally found the peace that he was so desperately searching for and now I pray for peace to those who he left behind who will miss him greatly.
I wonder as time passes from my own darkest hour if my intense feelings of pain for someone who commits suicide (whether I know them or not) will fade or if it will always strike a cord this close to home?
Friday, January 8, 2010
Almost time
I talked to a great friend on the phone last night. I am amazed at the amount of challenges facing her daily and how well she is coping considering everything. All the skills we've learned from inpatient stays, talking to others who have been through similiar situations, in therapy..... she has to put all of that into practice everyday just to get through and she does! I have such respect and appreciation for her. And on top of everything else, for some reason she still loves to hear me ramble about the somtimes funny, sometimes stressful, but not near as overwhelming daily goings in my life.
Vacation will be over in 4 days. Therapy will start back up. School/work will resume. Fiancee and I will find a "normal" routine rather than things always being chaotic and traveling all of the time. That's why I entitled this entry "almost time".
It's almost time to get back to the grind... and mostly with this I'm referring to therapy. We've been functioning really well on vacation, but things have been strangely quiet in my head as well, and while parts are still present and make themselves know, no out right switching has happend (as far as I'm aware). Now, I'm not complaining about this, but there is no explainable reason for this to last long term. Things that I know need to be addressed before this can become our norm have not been addressed.
Still gotta have the talk with fiancee about us being DID. We're feeling better and better about it. I think we'll make sense to him once he knows, but I still think there's a lot to be said about discussing things at the right time and place. Gotta lot of things to work through before the wedding in 4 1/2 months. I think more than anything it will be trusting fiancee with everything. We will be under the same roof every night and it will be much harder for him to just not be around to experience some of my/our more interesting moments. Also, we do want to trust him (well, like we trust therapist). There is nothing we don't tell therapist - unless for some reason we just forget to tell her. I want everyone in my system to trust fiancee like we trust therapist. I don't want fiancee to do therapist's job, but I want everyone to know he is safe and that he respects all of us.
I think the trust thing won't fully happen by the wedding. We've been with therapist a little over 3 1/2 years to get to this point - and that was with us purposely meeting with her to share our "horrible" secrets. Still, I DO NOT want to enter a marriage feeling the need to hide anything about me/us. I think we're on the path for all of this to happen, but it means I'm going to have to buckle down and really help parts share and allow them time in therapy and out of therapy rather than just riding the wave that I've been on for the past month. It's been a nice wave, but in the long run, I know it is not the healthiest thing for our system.
So, here's to 4 more days of riding the wave, and then back to grind and continuing on the healing journey so all parts can experience the relief I experience fairly regularly now.
Vacation will be over in 4 days. Therapy will start back up. School/work will resume. Fiancee and I will find a "normal" routine rather than things always being chaotic and traveling all of the time. That's why I entitled this entry "almost time".
It's almost time to get back to the grind... and mostly with this I'm referring to therapy. We've been functioning really well on vacation, but things have been strangely quiet in my head as well, and while parts are still present and make themselves know, no out right switching has happend (as far as I'm aware). Now, I'm not complaining about this, but there is no explainable reason for this to last long term. Things that I know need to be addressed before this can become our norm have not been addressed.
Still gotta have the talk with fiancee about us being DID. We're feeling better and better about it. I think we'll make sense to him once he knows, but I still think there's a lot to be said about discussing things at the right time and place. Gotta lot of things to work through before the wedding in 4 1/2 months. I think more than anything it will be trusting fiancee with everything. We will be under the same roof every night and it will be much harder for him to just not be around to experience some of my/our more interesting moments. Also, we do want to trust him (well, like we trust therapist). There is nothing we don't tell therapist - unless for some reason we just forget to tell her. I want everyone in my system to trust fiancee like we trust therapist. I don't want fiancee to do therapist's job, but I want everyone to know he is safe and that he respects all of us.
I think the trust thing won't fully happen by the wedding. We've been with therapist a little over 3 1/2 years to get to this point - and that was with us purposely meeting with her to share our "horrible" secrets. Still, I DO NOT want to enter a marriage feeling the need to hide anything about me/us. I think we're on the path for all of this to happen, but it means I'm going to have to buckle down and really help parts share and allow them time in therapy and out of therapy rather than just riding the wave that I've been on for the past month. It's been a nice wave, but in the long run, I know it is not the healthiest thing for our system.
So, here's to 4 more days of riding the wave, and then back to grind and continuing on the healing journey so all parts can experience the relief I experience fairly regularly now.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Text Message
I received a text message this evening from my crazy ex-roommate. I went back through blog entries b/c I was going to link to the blog that explained about crazy roommate for those who are newer to reading my blog and realized I started this blog right after I moved out of her house, so she never made a blog entry. So before I explain tonight's text, I need to give a little background.
I lived with (let's call her B) from May 2008 - Jan 2009. We went to church together and she seemed cool. My previous roommate's sister was moving to town and they wanted to live together, so I was desperately looking for another place to live. My job didn't pay enough for me to get a place of my own. Plus, at this time, I hadn't had the best track record of staying safe when I was alone. B had just bought a 3 bedroom townhome and was looking for roommates to share the bills. Seemed liked perfect timing, so I moved in with B. Of course, her boyfriend (who was a friend of mine from college) broke up with her the week before I moved in because that's my luck. Now, before you think I'm taking an awful situation about her and making it about me, I was very sad for her and supportive. For several months I didn't talk to my college friend b/c I was being her friend and roommate. The problem developed when I realized how obsessive she was about this guy and how many times a day she called him, drove by his house, sent him text messages, and anything else she could think of to still be in contact with him. She was also constantly accusing him of having a new girlfriend and cheating on her. I don't know how you cheat on someone you've broken up with, but she was a wreck. In all honesty, I don't think I would have lasted as long as I did, except I met my fiance' about 2 weeks after moving in with her, and he was a huge support and distraction for me.
Anyways, the longer I lived with B, the more "issues" I realized she had. Now, I'm not one to move out on someone b/c of issues. Heavens knows I have tons on my own, and I truly do have compassion for people and their struggles. The problem is that she had/has no desire to overcome or even acknowledge her major issues and instead uses them to manipulate situations and people to get her way and always be the center of attention. There are several examples, but one is how she somehow guilted me into throwing her a surprise birthday party for her birthday in October. The main issue B liked to focus on was her eating disorder. She did have a legit eating disorder. The ED itself didn't bother me. The fact that she told everyone under the sun who would listen to her that she had one and how hard it was and how she was working to overcome it, and then at home would come into my room to tell me she just took a box of laxitives. After a few ER trips, it became apparent that her ED was out of control, and I was tired of taking off of work to take her to and/or pick her up from the ER if I was unable to stay with her the whole time.
In November, she finally admitted she needed help and left for a 3 month inpatient ED program in California. At the time, I was so proud of her for finally wanting to live healthy and being willing to take the necessary steps to do so - meaning she would miss Thanksgiving and Christmas with her family, plus risk losing her job. I didn't understand why she invited 30 people over to our place the night before she left. Everytime I've been IP, it's been hard enough for me to tell my family and closest friends, and most of the time I've only told those it was necessary to tell b/c my absence would be noticed - like at work or a roommate. But at this point, I still thought - to each his own.
The events that pushed me over the edge actually occurred during the 3 months that she was gone. She was constantly texting me trying to get me to pay her portion of our bills b/c she had no money b/c she wasn't working and was in treatment. I didn't have money to pay her portion and she wouldn't give me her parents info so I could ask them to help me pay her part of the bills. One day towards the end of her stay in California, I received a text from her asking for prayers b/c she'd done something wrong and gotten in trouble at the Ranch. That evening she texted me again and asked me to purchase her a plane ticket home b/c she couldn't take it there anymore. She was too upset to talk to me on the phone and tell me why she needed to come home but wanted me to shell out the money for a plane ticket for her. When I kept asking questions, she quit responding to me, and I didn't hear anything for 2 days.
At this point, I'm really struggling with my own issues. Fiance had recently deployed to Afghanistan and I was in the process of trying to survive a Christmas and January that didn't end in a hospitalization of my own. I didn't have the resources to deal with my roommates issues as well, especially since she was hundreds of miles away. Finally, I decided we needed some boundaries in place before she came home, so I texted her and asked to have a conference call with her and her counselor or social worker before she came home. She responded by telling me she'd already left the Ranch and was at her parents' place in Indiana. She would be coming home tomorrow. I asked her what happened, and the actual story was nothing like what she led me to believe had happened or was going on. I was livid! She'd been manipulating me the whole time. After we hung up, I thought about the entire 9 months we'd lived together and began to see that she carries a lot of traits of someone with borderline personality disorder and all of the ways that she had manipulated me and those around me.
Even before this last conversation with her, my family, close friends, and therapist had been encouraging me to find a new place to live b/c my own mental/emotional health was going downhill rapidly - so rapidly I couldn't even fake things. The conversation on the phone that Sunday night was the final straw. I found another friend I could move in with, called my parents and asked them to come over and help me move the following weekend, and I texted B and told her we needed to have a serious conversation when she came to town the next day. When she arrived home, I told her I was moving out and that I would continue to pay the rent that I owed her, but I would not be living in the same house with her or be part of her support system now that she was back home. She spent the next week using her grandparents, parents, prayer, and any other method she could think of to guilt me into stay and to convince me she had changed. Sadly for her, she didn't realize that everything she was doing only reinforced that she had not changed at all, still put her interests before anyone else, and was as manipulative as ever.
In the end, this entire situation ended up being very triggering for me and parts inside. Typically we're not good at moving, but everyone was happy and felt safer the day we moved out of that place and have not regretted the decision once. We still have to interact with her some, but thankfully it's less and less. I know this is a long entry, but sadly it doesn't do the situation near the justice or explain the torment she put my system through.
All of this to say, I guess I forgot that she still has my cell number and she sent out a mass text this evening. She included me on the text, as she does on most even though I've asked her not to. The text said " My dear friends, tomorrow is a celebration.... it marks 1 year since I've abused laxitives and left 2 go 2 treatment! Praise God! Thx 4 the prayers and support!" In and of itself, I guess this isn't a horrible text. Other than I KNOW she probably sent this to everyone in her address book.... and we were NEVER dear friends! I think what bothered me most is how many awful memories this one text brought up for us. Sadly this text was a pretty large trigger for us this evening. We felt a lot of anger, pain, sadness, and hurt... So many of her manipulative behaviors were linked to manipulative behaviors of our ab*ser b/c of similarities in tactics, so after the horrible memories associated with her, I got hit with a wave of childhood memories. Amazing the small things that will throw your system for a loop when you least expect it!
One positive thing is that we have been able to recognize that we were able to get ourselves out of the unhealthy situation with B and that we can look around and see that we're in a different home now and safe and that we continue to move through time further and further away from our time with B.
For those of you who made it all the way through this post, thank you for reading. I tried to reach my therapist tonight, but she didn't respond. We're not in crisis and this isn't near an emergency, so we're just going to wait and talk to her at our session tomorrow. Her reassurance and support would have been nice tonight, but maybe handling this on our own and just blogging about it will prove to be better for us in the long run.
I lived with (let's call her B) from May 2008 - Jan 2009. We went to church together and she seemed cool. My previous roommate's sister was moving to town and they wanted to live together, so I was desperately looking for another place to live. My job didn't pay enough for me to get a place of my own. Plus, at this time, I hadn't had the best track record of staying safe when I was alone. B had just bought a 3 bedroom townhome and was looking for roommates to share the bills. Seemed liked perfect timing, so I moved in with B. Of course, her boyfriend (who was a friend of mine from college) broke up with her the week before I moved in because that's my luck. Now, before you think I'm taking an awful situation about her and making it about me, I was very sad for her and supportive. For several months I didn't talk to my college friend b/c I was being her friend and roommate. The problem developed when I realized how obsessive she was about this guy and how many times a day she called him, drove by his house, sent him text messages, and anything else she could think of to still be in contact with him. She was also constantly accusing him of having a new girlfriend and cheating on her. I don't know how you cheat on someone you've broken up with, but she was a wreck. In all honesty, I don't think I would have lasted as long as I did, except I met my fiance' about 2 weeks after moving in with her, and he was a huge support and distraction for me.
Anyways, the longer I lived with B, the more "issues" I realized she had. Now, I'm not one to move out on someone b/c of issues. Heavens knows I have tons on my own, and I truly do have compassion for people and their struggles. The problem is that she had/has no desire to overcome or even acknowledge her major issues and instead uses them to manipulate situations and people to get her way and always be the center of attention. There are several examples, but one is how she somehow guilted me into throwing her a surprise birthday party for her birthday in October. The main issue B liked to focus on was her eating disorder. She did have a legit eating disorder. The ED itself didn't bother me. The fact that she told everyone under the sun who would listen to her that she had one and how hard it was and how she was working to overcome it, and then at home would come into my room to tell me she just took a box of laxitives. After a few ER trips, it became apparent that her ED was out of control, and I was tired of taking off of work to take her to and/or pick her up from the ER if I was unable to stay with her the whole time.
In November, she finally admitted she needed help and left for a 3 month inpatient ED program in California. At the time, I was so proud of her for finally wanting to live healthy and being willing to take the necessary steps to do so - meaning she would miss Thanksgiving and Christmas with her family, plus risk losing her job. I didn't understand why she invited 30 people over to our place the night before she left. Everytime I've been IP, it's been hard enough for me to tell my family and closest friends, and most of the time I've only told those it was necessary to tell b/c my absence would be noticed - like at work or a roommate. But at this point, I still thought - to each his own.
The events that pushed me over the edge actually occurred during the 3 months that she was gone. She was constantly texting me trying to get me to pay her portion of our bills b/c she had no money b/c she wasn't working and was in treatment. I didn't have money to pay her portion and she wouldn't give me her parents info so I could ask them to help me pay her part of the bills. One day towards the end of her stay in California, I received a text from her asking for prayers b/c she'd done something wrong and gotten in trouble at the Ranch. That evening she texted me again and asked me to purchase her a plane ticket home b/c she couldn't take it there anymore. She was too upset to talk to me on the phone and tell me why she needed to come home but wanted me to shell out the money for a plane ticket for her. When I kept asking questions, she quit responding to me, and I didn't hear anything for 2 days.
At this point, I'm really struggling with my own issues. Fiance had recently deployed to Afghanistan and I was in the process of trying to survive a Christmas and January that didn't end in a hospitalization of my own. I didn't have the resources to deal with my roommates issues as well, especially since she was hundreds of miles away. Finally, I decided we needed some boundaries in place before she came home, so I texted her and asked to have a conference call with her and her counselor or social worker before she came home. She responded by telling me she'd already left the Ranch and was at her parents' place in Indiana. She would be coming home tomorrow. I asked her what happened, and the actual story was nothing like what she led me to believe had happened or was going on. I was livid! She'd been manipulating me the whole time. After we hung up, I thought about the entire 9 months we'd lived together and began to see that she carries a lot of traits of someone with borderline personality disorder and all of the ways that she had manipulated me and those around me.
Even before this last conversation with her, my family, close friends, and therapist had been encouraging me to find a new place to live b/c my own mental/emotional health was going downhill rapidly - so rapidly I couldn't even fake things. The conversation on the phone that Sunday night was the final straw. I found another friend I could move in with, called my parents and asked them to come over and help me move the following weekend, and I texted B and told her we needed to have a serious conversation when she came to town the next day. When she arrived home, I told her I was moving out and that I would continue to pay the rent that I owed her, but I would not be living in the same house with her or be part of her support system now that she was back home. She spent the next week using her grandparents, parents, prayer, and any other method she could think of to guilt me into stay and to convince me she had changed. Sadly for her, she didn't realize that everything she was doing only reinforced that she had not changed at all, still put her interests before anyone else, and was as manipulative as ever.
In the end, this entire situation ended up being very triggering for me and parts inside. Typically we're not good at moving, but everyone was happy and felt safer the day we moved out of that place and have not regretted the decision once. We still have to interact with her some, but thankfully it's less and less. I know this is a long entry, but sadly it doesn't do the situation near the justice or explain the torment she put my system through.
All of this to say, I guess I forgot that she still has my cell number and she sent out a mass text this evening. She included me on the text, as she does on most even though I've asked her not to. The text said " My dear friends, tomorrow is a celebration.... it marks 1 year since I've abused laxitives and left 2 go 2 treatment! Praise God! Thx 4 the prayers and support!" In and of itself, I guess this isn't a horrible text. Other than I KNOW she probably sent this to everyone in her address book.... and we were NEVER dear friends! I think what bothered me most is how many awful memories this one text brought up for us. Sadly this text was a pretty large trigger for us this evening. We felt a lot of anger, pain, sadness, and hurt... So many of her manipulative behaviors were linked to manipulative behaviors of our ab*ser b/c of similarities in tactics, so after the horrible memories associated with her, I got hit with a wave of childhood memories. Amazing the small things that will throw your system for a loop when you least expect it!
One positive thing is that we have been able to recognize that we were able to get ourselves out of the unhealthy situation with B and that we can look around and see that we're in a different home now and safe and that we continue to move through time further and further away from our time with B.
For those of you who made it all the way through this post, thank you for reading. I tried to reach my therapist tonight, but she didn't respond. We're not in crisis and this isn't near an emergency, so we're just going to wait and talk to her at our session tomorrow. Her reassurance and support would have been nice tonight, but maybe handling this on our own and just blogging about it will prove to be better for us in the long run.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Alone vs. Lonely
This topic has been on my mind a lot over the past several days. For the purpose of explaining my post, I'm going to give you my current working definitions for each word.
Alone: by oneself. no one else is around.
Lonely: feelings of being isolated or like no one is really around whether people are actually present or not.
Being alone is not necessarily a bad thing for us. In fact, because there are so many of us internally, we need 'alone' time from other external people to recouperate, relax, work through things we're not comfortable working on with others present, and to just be us whatever that may look like.
On the other hand, we're learning we don't handle lonely very well at all, and for us, lonely has nothing to do with how many people are around. Lonely does typically start with too much alone time, but for us, can and has persisted even into time periods when we're surrounded by many people we know. Looking back over the past several years, we can see where lonliness has been a contributing factor to some of our mental/emotional declines. It seems the feelings accompanying the lonliness (the depression and anxiety) tend to weaken the effectiveness of our coping skills, thus making it harder for us to cope with and bounce back from life challenges.
This topic has been on my mind a lot the past several days because we have become aware that we are lonely in our new city. We know several people at work and in classes, but we have no friends to do stuff with outside of work or class. This has been compounded by the fact that we have had very little time to work on developing friendships because most freetime is taken up by homework and writing papers. Typically we survive this okay during the week because free time is very limited. Bedtime and the weekends are when we struggle most. This past weekend was a prime example of this. We had no real weekend plans other than working on homework, studying for a test, and cheering on our favorite football team on TV. We ended up going to visit a cousin and spending the night with her family Saturday night. At first, it was decided just because we had some freetime and we wanted to hang out with her. By the time, it was actually time to make the trip to her house, it was a needed visit. We actually started feeling so depressed and anxious Saturday afternoon (even though we were preparing to go to cousin's house for the night and the next day) that we text therapist to see if she was busy. She did text us back but said she wasn't in a place to talk. Since we weren't in crisis at that moment, we told her it was okay. We'd just catch her up on the situation either by e-mail or at our next session.
Once we actually got to cousin's house (a place where we are known as a "we" and have only been show support and unconditional love) all of the bad feelings disappeared and we had an enjoyable evening and and enjoyable Sunday. On the car ride back to our place Sunday night, all of those awful feelings began to creep back in. Heading back to our apt (while it feels safe) meant starting another week of lonliness. We realized we are living for the weekends right now and now want to make plans to be somewhere other than here every weekend from now until December. Fiance' will be home in December. He is great at taking away our lonliness, plus he knows tons of people here that he can introduce me to and help me begin to build my own friendships with people he's already deemed safe and trustworthy.
On one hand, this is great insight for us. To learn something that is a major trigger for our emotional health is a great way for us to figure out ways to compensate, avoid for the moment, and work on overcoming so it may not always be a major issue. On the other hand, this reality scares us. We are very aware that we are going to have to take proactive steps over the next several weeks to make sure things don't get worse than they are now. Right now they are NOT FUN, but they are manageable. We are not feeling urges to self harm or do anything drastic. We are not struggling with work or classes. Our depressive feelings are not consistent. They fluctuate - which is good for us. As long as we know we can continue to come out of the low periods, then fighting through them is not near as challenging.
It feels good being aware of this struggle we have right now soon enough that we can do things to help before it's too late, but at the same time, it really sucks that we're having to choose to take proactive measures again to avoid a really bad place. Praise God, we are not doing this alone. We talked about all of this with therapist today, and she is willing to step things up with us and be available as we may need her to. This alone has helped to ease fears of what the next few weeks may bring, and my hope is that a couple of months from now I will be writing a blog entry stating how long and inconsequential this post ended up being.... that my fears of what may happen were WAY bigger than what actually occurred. I will be okay with admitting I was off on this one though. ;)
Alone: by oneself. no one else is around.
Lonely: feelings of being isolated or like no one is really around whether people are actually present or not.
Being alone is not necessarily a bad thing for us. In fact, because there are so many of us internally, we need 'alone' time from other external people to recouperate, relax, work through things we're not comfortable working on with others present, and to just be us whatever that may look like.
On the other hand, we're learning we don't handle lonely very well at all, and for us, lonely has nothing to do with how many people are around. Lonely does typically start with too much alone time, but for us, can and has persisted even into time periods when we're surrounded by many people we know. Looking back over the past several years, we can see where lonliness has been a contributing factor to some of our mental/emotional declines. It seems the feelings accompanying the lonliness (the depression and anxiety) tend to weaken the effectiveness of our coping skills, thus making it harder for us to cope with and bounce back from life challenges.
This topic has been on my mind a lot the past several days because we have become aware that we are lonely in our new city. We know several people at work and in classes, but we have no friends to do stuff with outside of work or class. This has been compounded by the fact that we have had very little time to work on developing friendships because most freetime is taken up by homework and writing papers. Typically we survive this okay during the week because free time is very limited. Bedtime and the weekends are when we struggle most. This past weekend was a prime example of this. We had no real weekend plans other than working on homework, studying for a test, and cheering on our favorite football team on TV. We ended up going to visit a cousin and spending the night with her family Saturday night. At first, it was decided just because we had some freetime and we wanted to hang out with her. By the time, it was actually time to make the trip to her house, it was a needed visit. We actually started feeling so depressed and anxious Saturday afternoon (even though we were preparing to go to cousin's house for the night and the next day) that we text therapist to see if she was busy. She did text us back but said she wasn't in a place to talk. Since we weren't in crisis at that moment, we told her it was okay. We'd just catch her up on the situation either by e-mail or at our next session.
Once we actually got to cousin's house (a place where we are known as a "we" and have only been show support and unconditional love) all of the bad feelings disappeared and we had an enjoyable evening and and enjoyable Sunday. On the car ride back to our place Sunday night, all of those awful feelings began to creep back in. Heading back to our apt (while it feels safe) meant starting another week of lonliness. We realized we are living for the weekends right now and now want to make plans to be somewhere other than here every weekend from now until December. Fiance' will be home in December. He is great at taking away our lonliness, plus he knows tons of people here that he can introduce me to and help me begin to build my own friendships with people he's already deemed safe and trustworthy.
On one hand, this is great insight for us. To learn something that is a major trigger for our emotional health is a great way for us to figure out ways to compensate, avoid for the moment, and work on overcoming so it may not always be a major issue. On the other hand, this reality scares us. We are very aware that we are going to have to take proactive steps over the next several weeks to make sure things don't get worse than they are now. Right now they are NOT FUN, but they are manageable. We are not feeling urges to self harm or do anything drastic. We are not struggling with work or classes. Our depressive feelings are not consistent. They fluctuate - which is good for us. As long as we know we can continue to come out of the low periods, then fighting through them is not near as challenging.
It feels good being aware of this struggle we have right now soon enough that we can do things to help before it's too late, but at the same time, it really sucks that we're having to choose to take proactive measures again to avoid a really bad place. Praise God, we are not doing this alone. We talked about all of this with therapist today, and she is willing to step things up with us and be available as we may need her to. This alone has helped to ease fears of what the next few weeks may bring, and my hope is that a couple of months from now I will be writing a blog entry stating how long and inconsequential this post ended up being.... that my fears of what may happen were WAY bigger than what actually occurred. I will be okay with admitting I was off on this one though. ;)
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Planning for the future
Fiance' called last night. It was the first time we've talked on the phone in over 2 weeks!! We got to talk for a whole 30 minutes. It was awesome!!! He's exhausted, but he's getting excited b/c in 6 weeks, he'll get to start the process of coming home. It will probably still be closer to 2 months before he's actually home, but at least 10 days of that time will be traveling, so that helps. It looks like his unit is set to deploy again Spring 2011, so at least I'll have him home for over a year before he deploys again, and we'll get to be together the first 8 months of our marriage. I know that's more than alot of newlyweds get when one of them is in the Army. I hate to think about him having to go back to Afghanistan again, but for now it's really fun to focus on all of the things that will happen and that we get to do together while he's home.
Also, in planning for the future, we're at the point in therapy where we're going to have to start addressing some majorly uncomfortable issues so that my marriage in a little less than 8 months won't send some parts into a tailspin and put my marriage in jeopardy before it even has a chance. These issues aren't even related to helping fiance' understand what he may need to in order to live with us well. They're more issues with parts and memories so that we can fulfill the role of 'wife' well without freaking out.... and dare I say some of us actually enjoying it without that being "wrong". I want to be married right now, but knowing where other parts are in accepting all of this and in their healing, I am glad we still have several months to prepare everyone and work through some things. We don't adjust to anything quickly, so it will probably take us right up to the wedding for enough parts to be okay with things that everything will go as smoothly as possible.
Did I mention that I'm working and going to school full-time to? Everything I'm doing are things I want to be doing, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if I really am just trading out certain types of 'punishment' for others. At least everything I'm doing now is considered productive from the world's standards.
Speaking of school, I gotta get back to it. Will probably be spelling things from this post out in more detail as they unfold, but for now, this is a start.
Also, in planning for the future, we're at the point in therapy where we're going to have to start addressing some majorly uncomfortable issues so that my marriage in a little less than 8 months won't send some parts into a tailspin and put my marriage in jeopardy before it even has a chance. These issues aren't even related to helping fiance' understand what he may need to in order to live with us well. They're more issues with parts and memories so that we can fulfill the role of 'wife' well without freaking out.... and dare I say some of us actually enjoying it without that being "wrong". I want to be married right now, but knowing where other parts are in accepting all of this and in their healing, I am glad we still have several months to prepare everyone and work through some things. We don't adjust to anything quickly, so it will probably take us right up to the wedding for enough parts to be okay with things that everything will go as smoothly as possible.
Did I mention that I'm working and going to school full-time to? Everything I'm doing are things I want to be doing, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if I really am just trading out certain types of 'punishment' for others. At least everything I'm doing now is considered productive from the world's standards.
Speaking of school, I gotta get back to it. Will probably be spelling things from this post out in more detail as they unfold, but for now, this is a start.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Am I missing something?
A friend of mine's dad committed suicide yesterday. Am I missing something here? It's been less than a month since my cousin committed suicide, and I know a few other people who have had unsuccessful attempts in the last few months.
I've been there. I understand the feelings of being suicidal. I understand what it even involves to plan and attempt, but I've never seen them come in a rash like this from people who don't even know each other. I don't think I am, but my mind starts to think I must be missing something if so many people around me are seeing suicide as not only a very viable option, but the best option.
Today was a rough day for me, and I've shed a lot of tears. Oddly enough, none of it was trauma related : I had some painful dental work done this morning, got called into my boss's office to discuss my work numbers being too low (this was frustrating b/c I've really been working my tail off lately - I'm not in trouble at work or anything, but it's really hard for us when our work ethic is questioned), and I said bye to my boyfriend for a few days. He's moving to a different base in Afghanistan closer to the action and we won't be able to talk for a few days at least.
This time last year, one of these would have been enough to make me think suicide. Today the thought never crossed my mind. I think I know this is a good thing, but I'm having mixed feelings. Part of me feels guilty that I don't feel so awful that killing myself is the best option and another part of me wonders if my feelings aren't trustworthy since that's not always my automatic response anymore. It goes back to the question: Do other people know something I don't? And then, there is this part of me that is able to be happy. Happy that everyday is not a "filled with thoughts of suicide" day. I question why I get to have these days when some of those closest to me are struggling so much, it takes all of their energy just to stay alive?
I really just need to learn to stop asking questions. Rarely do I get answers to them and they only seem to frustrate me or leave me feeling helpless and confused. I wonder if there's a pill you can take to stop introspection? ;)
I've been there. I understand the feelings of being suicidal. I understand what it even involves to plan and attempt, but I've never seen them come in a rash like this from people who don't even know each other. I don't think I am, but my mind starts to think I must be missing something if so many people around me are seeing suicide as not only a very viable option, but the best option.
Today was a rough day for me, and I've shed a lot of tears. Oddly enough, none of it was trauma related : I had some painful dental work done this morning, got called into my boss's office to discuss my work numbers being too low (this was frustrating b/c I've really been working my tail off lately - I'm not in trouble at work or anything, but it's really hard for us when our work ethic is questioned), and I said bye to my boyfriend for a few days. He's moving to a different base in Afghanistan closer to the action and we won't be able to talk for a few days at least.
This time last year, one of these would have been enough to make me think suicide. Today the thought never crossed my mind. I think I know this is a good thing, but I'm having mixed feelings. Part of me feels guilty that I don't feel so awful that killing myself is the best option and another part of me wonders if my feelings aren't trustworthy since that's not always my automatic response anymore. It goes back to the question: Do other people know something I don't? And then, there is this part of me that is able to be happy. Happy that everyday is not a "filled with thoughts of suicide" day. I question why I get to have these days when some of those closest to me are struggling so much, it takes all of their energy just to stay alive?
I really just need to learn to stop asking questions. Rarely do I get answers to them and they only seem to frustrate me or leave me feeling helpless and confused. I wonder if there's a pill you can take to stop introspection? ;)
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Safety
So we made it a year and a month with almost no major self-injury impulses. We're really proud of that, and we're still SI free, but I'm not sure how much longer that will last. Therapist talked to a part yesterday who is really struggling. This part has been struggling for a long time, but this is a different kind of struggle because the beliefs she's held about herself and the whole world her entire life are being challenged by therapist. Sifting through truth and lies trying to find out what reality really is is kind of pushing her over the edge. So far, we're managing as a system, but it hasn't been this hard in over a year. This is the first time that I'm not sure we can keep a safety contract. In the past, I've not wanted to keep them, but I knew we could. This feels a little out of control.
The only way therapist got this part to make a short-term safety contract was to mention police if we ignored safety check-ins. We all understood, calling the police would not be a punishment. It would be done out of fear that we were not safe and needed help b/c we were not checking in or answering calls from therapist to affirm we were still safe. The fear of causing a scene was enough to get a safety contract, so I guess it worked. We checked in with therapist three times last night and then once this morning, just to say we're still keeping our safety contract. I don't really know if we're supposed to check in anymore between now and our Thursday appointment. I'm sure we can if we want to, but therapist didn't say we had to. We did promise to call her before self-injuring, so I guess if things do get worse, we will be checking in whether we want to or not.
Not convinced we're on the precipice of another downward spiral yet, but still finding the place we're in right now frustrating and disheartening. We haven't been here in a year. I was hoping this part was behind us. Now I think maybe things are just cyclical. Maybe they'll get better again when we work through this next wave of crap, and they'll stay good until it's time to deal with the next level. Are there always going to be levels and layers of stuff to get through? I don't think we have anything left to remember. I thought that would be the biggest part, but now it seems as remembering was just the beginning and now the real work is starting.
I don't know. Hopefully I'm just being a pessimist today and I'll feel differently in a day or two. Really really not wanting to go back into that dark place! Not sure how to avoid it and still do the work that needs to be done though. *Sigh*
The only way therapist got this part to make a short-term safety contract was to mention police if we ignored safety check-ins. We all understood, calling the police would not be a punishment. It would be done out of fear that we were not safe and needed help b/c we were not checking in or answering calls from therapist to affirm we were still safe. The fear of causing a scene was enough to get a safety contract, so I guess it worked. We checked in with therapist three times last night and then once this morning, just to say we're still keeping our safety contract. I don't really know if we're supposed to check in anymore between now and our Thursday appointment. I'm sure we can if we want to, but therapist didn't say we had to. We did promise to call her before self-injuring, so I guess if things do get worse, we will be checking in whether we want to or not.
Not convinced we're on the precipice of another downward spiral yet, but still finding the place we're in right now frustrating and disheartening. We haven't been here in a year. I was hoping this part was behind us. Now I think maybe things are just cyclical. Maybe they'll get better again when we work through this next wave of crap, and they'll stay good until it's time to deal with the next level. Are there always going to be levels and layers of stuff to get through? I don't think we have anything left to remember. I thought that would be the biggest part, but now it seems as remembering was just the beginning and now the real work is starting.
I don't know. Hopefully I'm just being a pessimist today and I'll feel differently in a day or two. Really really not wanting to go back into that dark place! Not sure how to avoid it and still do the work that needs to be done though. *Sigh*
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