Not up to writing much. I don't know if it makes sense to say I have peace about the future, but I'm still going through a great amount of depression and sadness. Hubby deploys sometime at the end of this week. We have a general idea of when, but for safety and security reasons, we probably won't know a definite time until 24 hours out.
He is being so amazing dealing with all of my tears. He even seems to really understand that I know I can let him go and that I will go on with my life while he is away, but NO part of my being wants him to go or wants to let him go. I'm glad he gets this because it helps me feel less guilty like I might be making things worse for him by adding to his plate extra worry about me.
I know God's hand is in this and He has great plans for both of us during our time apart and in our individual mission fields. This part is exciting! Unfortunately, today and the past several days, I've only been able to recognize this at a mental level. Emotionally I'm just a basket case and don't even want to be made to feel better...
Praise God he understands me even when I don't, and that He loves me in the midst of all my humanness.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Insight... and Just for laughs
So hubby is selling the most awful brown sectional couch on Craigslist. It's a miracle he's actually selling it. For a long time he was unwilling to part with it, so it's been taking up a ton of space in the garage for the past several months. A few people have shown interest, and I am amazed that they seem willing to pay what he's asking for the couch. But, hey, if he can make a nice profit, more power to him. Anyways, apparently a person wants to come and pick it up today. I'm never all that comfortable being home alone when someone comes to pick up something we've sold on Craigslist, but my hesitation is always greater when I haven't been the one communicating with the potential buyers.
So, long story short, he comes into the bedroom this morning to tell me someone wants to come pick the couch up, and did I care what time they came? My response was: "I don't want them to come when you're not going to be home." He looked at me for a second then said: "So, do you want them to come morning or afternoon?" I responded, "Don't you have to work today?" He said "Yes." So, after looking at him with a very puzzled expression for a minute, I responded again with, "I am not comfortable being home alone when a stranger is coming to our house." So then he says, "Okay, I'll tell them to come late afternoon." I followed up with: "Are you leaving work early today?" He said "No." (At this point I don't know whether to laugh at the insanity of this conversation or to be annoyed that he's not truly hearing me.)I'm pretty sure in his mind, he thinks if he asks enough and he asks sweetly enough that I'll give in and let the people come whenever. WRONG!! One more time I say to him: "I don't know how to say this more clearly. I DO NOT want these people coming to our house when you are not home!" So, he e-mailed them and told them they could come after 5:30 tonight.. I mean it is a week night. It makes me nervous if both the husband and the wife could come in the middle of the day.
I'm sure to him, this is nothing.... but he's a guy. Also, I've been feeling a bit more anxious lately.. Not all the time, just less trusting of people around me that I don't know.
And here's the insight part.... Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to hubby snuggling with me and he had an arm over my shoulder. In a half-asleep state, I freaked! I remember feeling trapped and smothered. I've never felt this way with him before, and it's not uncommon to wake up with one of his limbs on top of me. My guess at this point is that parts are pushing hubby away and making him less safe so the pain of him leaving next week may be met with relief instead of all pain. If his leaving "feels" safer, then it won't hurt as much to say good-bye. By default, if parts are putting hubby in a place of being 'unsafe' than strangers get catapulted to an even higher status of 'unsafe'. Thus being adamant about the Craigslist people not coming by when hubby isn't home.
How's that for a long way around to get to my small insight today. Good thing we have therapy in an hour! Lots to talk about and talk through!!!
So, long story short, he comes into the bedroom this morning to tell me someone wants to come pick the couch up, and did I care what time they came? My response was: "I don't want them to come when you're not going to be home." He looked at me for a second then said: "So, do you want them to come morning or afternoon?" I responded, "Don't you have to work today?" He said "Yes." So, after looking at him with a very puzzled expression for a minute, I responded again with, "I am not comfortable being home alone when a stranger is coming to our house." So then he says, "Okay, I'll tell them to come late afternoon." I followed up with: "Are you leaving work early today?" He said "No." (At this point I don't know whether to laugh at the insanity of this conversation or to be annoyed that he's not truly hearing me.)I'm pretty sure in his mind, he thinks if he asks enough and he asks sweetly enough that I'll give in and let the people come whenever. WRONG!! One more time I say to him: "I don't know how to say this more clearly. I DO NOT want these people coming to our house when you are not home!" So, he e-mailed them and told them they could come after 5:30 tonight.. I mean it is a week night. It makes me nervous if both the husband and the wife could come in the middle of the day.
I'm sure to him, this is nothing.... but he's a guy. Also, I've been feeling a bit more anxious lately.. Not all the time, just less trusting of people around me that I don't know.
And here's the insight part.... Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to hubby snuggling with me and he had an arm over my shoulder. In a half-asleep state, I freaked! I remember feeling trapped and smothered. I've never felt this way with him before, and it's not uncommon to wake up with one of his limbs on top of me. My guess at this point is that parts are pushing hubby away and making him less safe so the pain of him leaving next week may be met with relief instead of all pain. If his leaving "feels" safer, then it won't hurt as much to say good-bye. By default, if parts are putting hubby in a place of being 'unsafe' than strangers get catapulted to an even higher status of 'unsafe'. Thus being adamant about the Craigslist people not coming by when hubby isn't home.
How's that for a long way around to get to my small insight today. Good thing we have therapy in an hour! Lots to talk about and talk through!!!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Frustrated with myself
So I'm still really struggling, and this frustrates me. I don't know if it should or not, but it does. I will say that the sad, depressive feelings fluctuate now, so that's an improvement. Actually, yesterday and today I'm finding that I going along doing pretty well, but that I am extremely sensitive to people's tones, words, and actions right now. I'm always sorta sensitive, but this is way amplified. My mind has the ability to keep things in perspective, but my heart and my gut just feel like they're getting ripped open a lot.
It's not even big things today. Our kitchen faucet broke last night, so I called our apt. managers. They in turn called the plumber who called me back about coming to fix the problem. All of that was well and good, except this plumber had an attitude with me from the get go. I don't know if it's because he was having a rough day or if he assumed I didn't know what I was talking about because I was female, but it was a difficult conversation that left me feeling frustrated because he wasn't listening to me and he was talking to me like I was an idiot. After hanging up with him, I called husband (who was at home) to let him know the repair man would be coming by before 3pm. Hubby answered the phone "Yeah?". I kinda froze on the other end b/c I didn't know how to respond. On one hand my blood was boiling and my feelings were hurt b/c he answered my phone call that way, on another I felt bad b/c it sounded like my phone call was apparently a huge inconvenience and was interrupting something very important. After hanging up the phone with hubby, my emotions tanked.... Depression, tears, lethargy.... I was feeling it all... except I was outside of Wal-Mart and still had to do the grocery shopping.
While going through the store, I prayed to God to help me change my attitude and my feelings. I quoted memorized scripture and reminded myself that I cannot control others, but I can control the way I respond.
So far the only results I've gotten is the ability to get done what needs done and hide the yucky feelings from people who don't need to see it (grocery clerk, lady at Walgreens, etc.). I'm home now. I'm working hard to pull out of this funk. I am able to talk to hubby without sounding depressed or breaking into tears every two seconds, but it truly is a battle.
I know a lot of this is just underlying emotions running rampant about husband deploying in about 10 days and that I'm just way more sensitive to everything. I also know that God found no fault in King David's laments, tears, and agony that we can find in the Psalms David's written. I mean, he was the "man after God's own heart."
However, I also find I am frustrated with myself, b/c if I was truly allowing God and the Holy Spirit to envelop me, wouldn't I be feeling his peace inside me? Wouldn't joy be more than just a mindset right now? Wouldn't I at least feel a little of it?
I have an amazing friend who continues to astonish and amaze me. She is new in her personal walk with Christ, but is constantly teaching me new things and challenging me to grow my relationship more. It's a very awesome gift she is giving me. I know she still faces a lot of struggles and there are so many unknowns in her life, but she is also full of praise because of our Savior. It kinda has me wondering where I'm missing the mark right now? I can praise God for my blessings and really mean the praises and really count my blessings, but there's not a happiness associated with it right now. There is gratitude and a humble recognition of all my blessings, but no part of me has the desire to stand on the roof tops and proclaim to the world how awesome God is and how He's moving mountains. I want to be in that place. Why can I not be in that place and face these struggles at the same time? Am I asking too much? Am I missing the mark somewhere?
Part of me says I'm being to hard on myself and God accepts me exactly where I am. I truly do believe he accepts me wherever I am, and that if this truly is my best right now, I know he is pleased with me.... But God's promises are great and true. Philippians 4:19 says "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. So, is feeling good not a need in this moment or is it a lack of truly turning this over to God?
Sometimes it's so hard for me to tell. There have been many times in my life and especially in my recovery where I am working hard and am convinced that I have turned everything over to the Lord - or at least everything in the specific area of concern. Later, however, my eyes have been opened as to how I had not truly turned everything over to him despite my best efforts to do so.
And then I think things through so much that I get myself thoroughly confused, like now. At least in this place, I know God is going to have to be in control and make things better b/c I've talked myself into so tight of a circle that I have no clue how to get out. ;)
For those of you who read this. Thanks for letting me ramble. It really helps to get things out these days without being judged for them or being told "It'll get better." I KNOW it will get better. I'm just trying to figure out how to best live this moment...
It's not even big things today. Our kitchen faucet broke last night, so I called our apt. managers. They in turn called the plumber who called me back about coming to fix the problem. All of that was well and good, except this plumber had an attitude with me from the get go. I don't know if it's because he was having a rough day or if he assumed I didn't know what I was talking about because I was female, but it was a difficult conversation that left me feeling frustrated because he wasn't listening to me and he was talking to me like I was an idiot. After hanging up with him, I called husband (who was at home) to let him know the repair man would be coming by before 3pm. Hubby answered the phone "Yeah?". I kinda froze on the other end b/c I didn't know how to respond. On one hand my blood was boiling and my feelings were hurt b/c he answered my phone call that way, on another I felt bad b/c it sounded like my phone call was apparently a huge inconvenience and was interrupting something very important. After hanging up the phone with hubby, my emotions tanked.... Depression, tears, lethargy.... I was feeling it all... except I was outside of Wal-Mart and still had to do the grocery shopping.
While going through the store, I prayed to God to help me change my attitude and my feelings. I quoted memorized scripture and reminded myself that I cannot control others, but I can control the way I respond.
So far the only results I've gotten is the ability to get done what needs done and hide the yucky feelings from people who don't need to see it (grocery clerk, lady at Walgreens, etc.). I'm home now. I'm working hard to pull out of this funk. I am able to talk to hubby without sounding depressed or breaking into tears every two seconds, but it truly is a battle.
I know a lot of this is just underlying emotions running rampant about husband deploying in about 10 days and that I'm just way more sensitive to everything. I also know that God found no fault in King David's laments, tears, and agony that we can find in the Psalms David's written. I mean, he was the "man after God's own heart."
However, I also find I am frustrated with myself, b/c if I was truly allowing God and the Holy Spirit to envelop me, wouldn't I be feeling his peace inside me? Wouldn't joy be more than just a mindset right now? Wouldn't I at least feel a little of it?
I have an amazing friend who continues to astonish and amaze me. She is new in her personal walk with Christ, but is constantly teaching me new things and challenging me to grow my relationship more. It's a very awesome gift she is giving me. I know she still faces a lot of struggles and there are so many unknowns in her life, but she is also full of praise because of our Savior. It kinda has me wondering where I'm missing the mark right now? I can praise God for my blessings and really mean the praises and really count my blessings, but there's not a happiness associated with it right now. There is gratitude and a humble recognition of all my blessings, but no part of me has the desire to stand on the roof tops and proclaim to the world how awesome God is and how He's moving mountains. I want to be in that place. Why can I not be in that place and face these struggles at the same time? Am I asking too much? Am I missing the mark somewhere?
Part of me says I'm being to hard on myself and God accepts me exactly where I am. I truly do believe he accepts me wherever I am, and that if this truly is my best right now, I know he is pleased with me.... But God's promises are great and true. Philippians 4:19 says "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. So, is feeling good not a need in this moment or is it a lack of truly turning this over to God?
Sometimes it's so hard for me to tell. There have been many times in my life and especially in my recovery where I am working hard and am convinced that I have turned everything over to the Lord - or at least everything in the specific area of concern. Later, however, my eyes have been opened as to how I had not truly turned everything over to him despite my best efforts to do so.
And then I think things through so much that I get myself thoroughly confused, like now. At least in this place, I know God is going to have to be in control and make things better b/c I've talked myself into so tight of a circle that I have no clue how to get out. ;)
For those of you who read this. Thanks for letting me ramble. It really helps to get things out these days without being judged for them or being told "It'll get better." I KNOW it will get better. I'm just trying to figure out how to best live this moment...
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Struggling a bit today
No crises here. Just struggling a little bit today. Last night was the winter formal for my husband's military brigade. It was also the final hoorah before the soldiers start deploying in 12 days. It was a wonderful evening. I had so much fun, and evenings like that always boost my patriotism and respect for not only the job my husband does but for the job that every soldier in our country does year round - whether at home or overseas.
Today the hoopla is over, and it's nice to stay in my pj's all day and just do stuff around the house. The struggle comes in b/c last night was the last big thing to anticipate and to plan for other than hubby's deployment. No more big events to look forward to... no more trips... now all of our planning and activities are based upon getting things ready for him to leave and for me to take over while I stay here. The reality of his deployment in 12 days has set in.
I've been helping out as much as I can today despite overwhelming lethargy and in between crying spells. Hubby's right when he says he's not gone yet, but now his leaving is imminent. I've also learned that my grieving tends to be more on the front end of events and less (still some)on the tail end. I will grieve his leaving more while I have him with me (and I guess somewhere deep inside hope things will change and he won't deploy) than I will after he leaves. Yes, I will be down and out for the first few days after he leaves, but I pick up the parts of our life that are mine and keep trucking. Today, though, I just want to shut down. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere. I want time to stop. I don't want to let hubby out of my sight, except he's busy getting things done and I'm struggling to get off the couch.
My daily Bible readings did help a bit today, but it's not gonna be a 180 in feelings day. I praise God that that's okay too. That can have down, blue, and off days and it doesn't mean my faith is lacking. It means I'm struggling today.
What a blessing to know I am not alone even though I feel alone in this right now. I will definitely be praying that every day up until he leaves is not a day like today, though!
I'm really glad 'blah days' are allowed. :)
Today the hoopla is over, and it's nice to stay in my pj's all day and just do stuff around the house. The struggle comes in b/c last night was the last big thing to anticipate and to plan for other than hubby's deployment. No more big events to look forward to... no more trips... now all of our planning and activities are based upon getting things ready for him to leave and for me to take over while I stay here. The reality of his deployment in 12 days has set in.
I've been helping out as much as I can today despite overwhelming lethargy and in between crying spells. Hubby's right when he says he's not gone yet, but now his leaving is imminent. I've also learned that my grieving tends to be more on the front end of events and less (still some)on the tail end. I will grieve his leaving more while I have him with me (and I guess somewhere deep inside hope things will change and he won't deploy) than I will after he leaves. Yes, I will be down and out for the first few days after he leaves, but I pick up the parts of our life that are mine and keep trucking. Today, though, I just want to shut down. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere. I want time to stop. I don't want to let hubby out of my sight, except he's busy getting things done and I'm struggling to get off the couch.
My daily Bible readings did help a bit today, but it's not gonna be a 180 in feelings day. I praise God that that's okay too. That can have down, blue, and off days and it doesn't mean my faith is lacking. It means I'm struggling today.
What a blessing to know I am not alone even though I feel alone in this right now. I will definitely be praying that every day up until he leaves is not a day like today, though!
I'm really glad 'blah days' are allowed. :)
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Trusting the Future
I am finally home from all of our traveling and slowly getting caught up on laundry, mail, and all of the other things I ignored while traveling. The trip was amazing, and I was sad to come home b/c I knew I was coming home to so many unknowns. However, I must admit that it has been nice to sleep in my own bed and be surrounded by my own things that make me feel comfortable.
Up to this point, I've coped with all of the unknowns in my life by basically ignoring them and staying busy. My current uncertainties:
1. I'm done with school but no jobs are panning out, so while I keep applying for jobs and making an effort to gain employment, I find myself avoiding conversations with my husband and friends about the topic. We can be okay financially if I don't work, but I will start to go stir crazy if I go too many weeks without some "purpose." I have batted around doing volunteer work if I don't get a job b/c it would give me a way to be involved in a helping way, but up to now I haven't had time to research volunteer options. I plan to start doing that, hopefully today, while still applying for jobs and pray that God puts me where I can be of most use.
2. My husband is deploying to Afghanistan for the 2nd time on/around Jan. 27. I have no idea what time of day he'll be leaving and if it will be a day earlier or a day later. I probably won't know until 2 or 3 days before he leaves. I don't know exactly when he'll be coming home again (approximately 6-7 months, but that could easily change to longer), and life just feels uncertain b/c of the constant danger he's in while he's deployed.
3. After hubby comes home (hopefully late summer)we'll be moving to another state for 6 months for training for him and then moving again to another location (we won't know where until 3 months into his training). So, we'll be moving twice in the next year, and half of it is unknown. With all of these moves, it makes finding a job or knowing what type of job to look for even harder. In addition, all of these moves will take me away from therapist, and while we will still be in touch, I won't be able to go to her office and sit on her red couch and talk to her.
Up until today, I've been living in the moment and avoiding thinking about the future. This is not necessarily a bad thing b/c the Lord never promised us tomorrow. However, at this point, I believe it will begin to hinder my usefulness and prevent me for good opportunities.
A good friend of mine Tempy recommended a daily devotional book to me the other day that I know has been beneficial to her over the past few months. It's called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Today's devotional fits very well with this struggle I'm having, and actually helped me to recognize that this is a bigger issue than I'm admitting. The words and Scriptures were a good reminder of who really is in control and where my focus should be.
Let me prepare you for the day that stretches out before you. I know exactly what this day will contain, whereas you have only vague ideas about it. You would like to see a map, showing all of the twists and turns of your journey. You'd feel more prepared if you could somehow visualize what is on the road ahead. However, there is a better way to be prepared for whatever you will encounter today: Spend quality time with me.
I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey. My living Presence is your Companion each step of the way. Stay in continual communication with Me, whispering My Name whenever you need to redirect your thoughts. Thus, you can walk through this day with your focus on Me. My abiding Presence is the best road map available. Exodus 33:14; John 15:4-7
Wow! Kinda steps on my toes a bit, but it's so nice to find guidance even when I still have no more clue about what the future holds for me let alone what today or tomorrow holds for me.
Anyways, just my ramblings about where I am today.
Up to this point, I've coped with all of the unknowns in my life by basically ignoring them and staying busy. My current uncertainties:
1. I'm done with school but no jobs are panning out, so while I keep applying for jobs and making an effort to gain employment, I find myself avoiding conversations with my husband and friends about the topic. We can be okay financially if I don't work, but I will start to go stir crazy if I go too many weeks without some "purpose." I have batted around doing volunteer work if I don't get a job b/c it would give me a way to be involved in a helping way, but up to now I haven't had time to research volunteer options. I plan to start doing that, hopefully today, while still applying for jobs and pray that God puts me where I can be of most use.
2. My husband is deploying to Afghanistan for the 2nd time on/around Jan. 27. I have no idea what time of day he'll be leaving and if it will be a day earlier or a day later. I probably won't know until 2 or 3 days before he leaves. I don't know exactly when he'll be coming home again (approximately 6-7 months, but that could easily change to longer), and life just feels uncertain b/c of the constant danger he's in while he's deployed.
3. After hubby comes home (hopefully late summer)we'll be moving to another state for 6 months for training for him and then moving again to another location (we won't know where until 3 months into his training). So, we'll be moving twice in the next year, and half of it is unknown. With all of these moves, it makes finding a job or knowing what type of job to look for even harder. In addition, all of these moves will take me away from therapist, and while we will still be in touch, I won't be able to go to her office and sit on her red couch and talk to her.
Up until today, I've been living in the moment and avoiding thinking about the future. This is not necessarily a bad thing b/c the Lord never promised us tomorrow. However, at this point, I believe it will begin to hinder my usefulness and prevent me for good opportunities.
A good friend of mine Tempy recommended a daily devotional book to me the other day that I know has been beneficial to her over the past few months. It's called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Today's devotional fits very well with this struggle I'm having, and actually helped me to recognize that this is a bigger issue than I'm admitting. The words and Scriptures were a good reminder of who really is in control and where my focus should be.
Let me prepare you for the day that stretches out before you. I know exactly what this day will contain, whereas you have only vague ideas about it. You would like to see a map, showing all of the twists and turns of your journey. You'd feel more prepared if you could somehow visualize what is on the road ahead. However, there is a better way to be prepared for whatever you will encounter today: Spend quality time with me.
I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey. My living Presence is your Companion each step of the way. Stay in continual communication with Me, whispering My Name whenever you need to redirect your thoughts. Thus, you can walk through this day with your focus on Me. My abiding Presence is the best road map available. Exodus 33:14; John 15:4-7
Wow! Kinda steps on my toes a bit, but it's so nice to find guidance even when I still have no more clue about what the future holds for me let alone what today or tomorrow holds for me.
Anyways, just my ramblings about where I am today.
Friday, December 31, 2010
New Year's Eve
Happy New Year's Eve bloggers!!!
Quick update: I did graduate with my 2nd graduate degree on Dec. 17! I am now highly educated and unemployed! Sadly, I'd say this description fits several people in the USA and around the world right now. I'm job hunting some, but my husband and I left on Dec. 22 for some holiday traveling, and it's hard to apply and interview for jobs when you're not at home.
We spent Christmas in New England with his family and are currently out in Colorado on a ski vacation with my family. Everyone but me is out shopping right now. Late Wednesday night I came down with a horrible stomach bug that lasted a full 24+ hours and even though I woke up feeling better this morning, I am still running very low on energy. My sister seems to be doing her best to make me feel like my illness is ruining her vacation..... b/c vomiting for 24 hours sure isn't ruining mine???? A new year's resolution of mine to learn how to show more love and Christ to her no matter what her attitude towards me is or how she treats me. Since I have some alone time where I feel well enough to blog, I thought I'd just say hi. I've finished crying and feeling sorry for myself that my family has been so unsupportive this go round.
Some of it is that I want so desperately to feel well and be on top of my game. Hubby is set to deploy again on Jan. 27, and I want to take advantage of every moment I have with him right now. This is hard to do when you're either stuck in bed or stuck leaning over the porcelain throne. I'm definitely feeling more sensitive emotionally, so that's probably why I'm more sensitive than usual to my family's remarks or lack of supportive remarks.
At least hubby and I are rounding out our travels next week with 5 days (just the two of us) in Mexico. And, if I had to get sick, I'm really glad it's this week and not next week.
Since this is New Years Eve, what would a blog post be without sharing at least a few of my New Year's resolutions?:
1. Get a job or at least volunteer work in the Counseling field - no more wasting time on school or jobs that don't allow me to do what I feel God is calling me to do.
2. Eat healthier (not dieting, just healthy food) and exercise regularly. Hubby wants us both to do P90X while he's deployed and something that will be good for us and we can still do together apart. I would love to do this and plan to give it a go, but I think I'm setting myself up to fail that I don't see either of us lasting more than 30 days... If I stay unemployed, then I'll at least have plenty of time to get it done.. LOL
3. Spend more time growing a more intimate relationship with God and being more serious about committing scripture to memory. I also want to spend more time in conversations with friends I can encourage and who can encourage me to grow in our walks with Christ.
4. Continue to learn to be a better wife.
5. Continue to learn and believe of my worth in Christ and stop apologizing for deficits I feel I have that Christ has covered.
I'm sure there will be several more. I seem to have many goals for this upcoming year - most involve internal changes, but this is a start.
I hope 2011 is a great year for each of you and that we may all grow and enjoy this life we've been given more than we have in the past. Life is definitely a roller coaster, but it's a pretty awesome ride if you're strapped in right and holding on tight.
Happy New Years!!!!!
Quick update: I did graduate with my 2nd graduate degree on Dec. 17! I am now highly educated and unemployed! Sadly, I'd say this description fits several people in the USA and around the world right now. I'm job hunting some, but my husband and I left on Dec. 22 for some holiday traveling, and it's hard to apply and interview for jobs when you're not at home.
We spent Christmas in New England with his family and are currently out in Colorado on a ski vacation with my family. Everyone but me is out shopping right now. Late Wednesday night I came down with a horrible stomach bug that lasted a full 24+ hours and even though I woke up feeling better this morning, I am still running very low on energy. My sister seems to be doing her best to make me feel like my illness is ruining her vacation..... b/c vomiting for 24 hours sure isn't ruining mine???? A new year's resolution of mine to learn how to show more love and Christ to her no matter what her attitude towards me is or how she treats me. Since I have some alone time where I feel well enough to blog, I thought I'd just say hi. I've finished crying and feeling sorry for myself that my family has been so unsupportive this go round.
Some of it is that I want so desperately to feel well and be on top of my game. Hubby is set to deploy again on Jan. 27, and I want to take advantage of every moment I have with him right now. This is hard to do when you're either stuck in bed or stuck leaning over the porcelain throne. I'm definitely feeling more sensitive emotionally, so that's probably why I'm more sensitive than usual to my family's remarks or lack of supportive remarks.
At least hubby and I are rounding out our travels next week with 5 days (just the two of us) in Mexico. And, if I had to get sick, I'm really glad it's this week and not next week.
Since this is New Years Eve, what would a blog post be without sharing at least a few of my New Year's resolutions?:
1. Get a job or at least volunteer work in the Counseling field - no more wasting time on school or jobs that don't allow me to do what I feel God is calling me to do.
2. Eat healthier (not dieting, just healthy food) and exercise regularly. Hubby wants us both to do P90X while he's deployed and something that will be good for us and we can still do together apart. I would love to do this and plan to give it a go, but I think I'm setting myself up to fail that I don't see either of us lasting more than 30 days... If I stay unemployed, then I'll at least have plenty of time to get it done.. LOL
3. Spend more time growing a more intimate relationship with God and being more serious about committing scripture to memory. I also want to spend more time in conversations with friends I can encourage and who can encourage me to grow in our walks with Christ.
4. Continue to learn to be a better wife.
5. Continue to learn and believe of my worth in Christ and stop apologizing for deficits I feel I have that Christ has covered.
I'm sure there will be several more. I seem to have many goals for this upcoming year - most involve internal changes, but this is a start.
I hope 2011 is a great year for each of you and that we may all grow and enjoy this life we've been given more than we have in the past. Life is definitely a roller coaster, but it's a pretty awesome ride if you're strapped in right and holding on tight.
Happy New Years!!!!!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Super Sonic Speed
Yes, that is the pace I feel my life is moving at right now. Not only have I not blogged since before Thanksgiving, but I'm not even finding time in my life to keep up with dear friends that I deeply care about. There is somewhat of an end in sight.
Today was my last day at my internship. I defend my thesis this coming Tuesday and graduate next Friday. Whew! School will be done and that will be a huge relief!!!!
My birthday was last weekend and while I had a blast and did a ton of cool things, I am glad it is over this year so I can rest. I am incredibly sleep deprived and hormonal (not a good combination - well, for anyone I suppose). My husband volunteered to stay home with me tonight for dinner before going out with the guys, and I almost started crying when I looked at him and said "But if you stay home, then I have to cook." I had been looking forward all day to not having to cook tonight. He just assumed I'd be cooking for myself and that he would be doing me a favor by spending part of the night with me. LOL! My dinner tonight was a peanut butter sandwich, and I'm pretty thrilled to be at home alone and NOT have to be doing anything. It's also nice b/c hubby is just out with the guys and not away at a training. He'll be home by bedtime. :) I can't wait until the day when it's our norm where he can go out and still comes home at night rather than the occasional exception.
Anyways, between trying to finish my thesis, celebrate my birthday, being a good wife, and finish up my internship hours, there just haven't seemed to be enough hours in the day.
On top of that I found out on Tuesday that I didn't get the job I interviewed for that I really wanted. I do trust that it means God has a better job he wants me in right now, but it was still disappointing. I did interview for another job yesterday, but after learning more about the position, I can't take it even if they offer it to me. Through my own healing, I've found as a counselor that I can work with most populations of people. I am a good counselor and have overcome my own issues enough that I am even able to work with abuse victims and keep my own stuff separate from theirs. However, I am still not ready nor am I sure I will ever be able to work with abusers. I understand many abusers are just doing behaviors they learned b/c they were abused, but it doesn't make enough of a difference internally right now for me to decide I'm okay being around that population doing therapy with them. I am soooooooooooooooo happy there are people out there who feel called to do this and who are willing and able to help those who want the help. I'm also learning, it's okay and not a deficit in me for me to admit that is not where I can help.
So, next Friday I'm graduating with my second graduate degree, have no job lined up, and no leads for potential jobs. My heart knows that God is in control and all will be okay. He has never failed me. But my mind is a planner and is goal oriented. Not having the ability to make any plans past next Friday or any goals that I'm striving for does not jive with my natural goals and desires. But then again, not much of human nature does jive with what God calls us to and with the gifts he promises us. God always teaches me so much when everything is out of my control and after the fact, I am always thankful. His plans are ALWAYS greater and better than mine. However, I do wish I could learn to keep this trust and faith in him all of the time instead of having to be forced into situations where I really am out of coming up with my own options to rely on God.
This life thing is so hard, confusing, and totally awesome at the same time! Who ever thought I'd reach a point in my life where my main frustrations are that I'm not sure what my new goals are going to be or what I'm supposed to do with myself? I'm not still just trying to figure out how and why to live another day? I'm trying to figure out how to live life well and fully. As much as this sucks right now, it's totally awesome at the same time!!!!!
Okay, I've rambled enough. I'm traveling lots over the holidays but I really do enjoy blogging so I hope to get back into the routine of it soon.
Today was my last day at my internship. I defend my thesis this coming Tuesday and graduate next Friday. Whew! School will be done and that will be a huge relief!!!!
My birthday was last weekend and while I had a blast and did a ton of cool things, I am glad it is over this year so I can rest. I am incredibly sleep deprived and hormonal (not a good combination - well, for anyone I suppose). My husband volunteered to stay home with me tonight for dinner before going out with the guys, and I almost started crying when I looked at him and said "But if you stay home, then I have to cook." I had been looking forward all day to not having to cook tonight. He just assumed I'd be cooking for myself and that he would be doing me a favor by spending part of the night with me. LOL! My dinner tonight was a peanut butter sandwich, and I'm pretty thrilled to be at home alone and NOT have to be doing anything. It's also nice b/c hubby is just out with the guys and not away at a training. He'll be home by bedtime. :) I can't wait until the day when it's our norm where he can go out and still comes home at night rather than the occasional exception.
Anyways, between trying to finish my thesis, celebrate my birthday, being a good wife, and finish up my internship hours, there just haven't seemed to be enough hours in the day.
On top of that I found out on Tuesday that I didn't get the job I interviewed for that I really wanted. I do trust that it means God has a better job he wants me in right now, but it was still disappointing. I did interview for another job yesterday, but after learning more about the position, I can't take it even if they offer it to me. Through my own healing, I've found as a counselor that I can work with most populations of people. I am a good counselor and have overcome my own issues enough that I am even able to work with abuse victims and keep my own stuff separate from theirs. However, I am still not ready nor am I sure I will ever be able to work with abusers. I understand many abusers are just doing behaviors they learned b/c they were abused, but it doesn't make enough of a difference internally right now for me to decide I'm okay being around that population doing therapy with them. I am soooooooooooooooo happy there are people out there who feel called to do this and who are willing and able to help those who want the help. I'm also learning, it's okay and not a deficit in me for me to admit that is not where I can help.
So, next Friday I'm graduating with my second graduate degree, have no job lined up, and no leads for potential jobs. My heart knows that God is in control and all will be okay. He has never failed me. But my mind is a planner and is goal oriented. Not having the ability to make any plans past next Friday or any goals that I'm striving for does not jive with my natural goals and desires. But then again, not much of human nature does jive with what God calls us to and with the gifts he promises us. God always teaches me so much when everything is out of my control and after the fact, I am always thankful. His plans are ALWAYS greater and better than mine. However, I do wish I could learn to keep this trust and faith in him all of the time instead of having to be forced into situations where I really am out of coming up with my own options to rely on God.
This life thing is so hard, confusing, and totally awesome at the same time! Who ever thought I'd reach a point in my life where my main frustrations are that I'm not sure what my new goals are going to be or what I'm supposed to do with myself? I'm not still just trying to figure out how and why to live another day? I'm trying to figure out how to live life well and fully. As much as this sucks right now, it's totally awesome at the same time!!!!!
Okay, I've rambled enough. I'm traveling lots over the holidays but I really do enjoy blogging so I hope to get back into the routine of it soon.
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