Less than 3 weeks till my wedding day and I'm feeling all of the stress of it. My family is very helpful but they are definitely increasing my stress level. All of the minute detailings seem to be building up and some days I feel no one else sees themselves able to make any decisions. Some days I feel as though I get 500 questions a day and that 490 of them could have been answered and handled without talking to me.
In addition, my internal world has finally decided to make their feelings known about their fears of being married through the form of body memories (mainly a nauseous stomach and gastrointestinal problems). I've been asking for 11 months for them to share only getting answers from a couple. Now, 3 weeks before the wedding, I'm being overwhelmed with thoughts, fears, flashbacks.. Ugh.
The wedding we're having is so much larger and grander than anything I ever wanted either. I wanted something small with just family and a couple of close friends. We're having a huge catered event with close to 130 guests. Now, I will admit, the actual wedding weekend sounds like a blast if I can get to it without having a major meltdown or developing an ulcer first. I am going to get to see so many dear friends that I haven't seen in awhile, and I am very excited about that! Sometimes though it feels like I'm just planning the party of the year for our family and friends and the idea that fiance and I are getting married seems to be a by-product.
I've been so moody and irritable the past few days. I know I'm not fun to be around despite my best efforts to suppress the worst of my negative feelings from reaching the words that actually come out of my mouth. Finace really has been great through all of this. I know he's not happy with my attitude the past few days, but at the same time I think it's helped him realize that I need him to step up and help me out more too.
Tonight before he went to his house, he told me to make him one promise: Starting 12:01am Friday, May 28 I have to be through working. From that time on until after the wedding, everyone else does for me. I don't work the wedding weekend.
Now, that is a promise I look very forward to keeping, and his patience and concern the past few days are continued reminders of why I am marrying this man in less than 3 weeks.
This bride is definitely ready to have the wedding behind her and married life in front of her!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
East To West
For some reason I've had Casting Crown's song "East To West" on my mind and in my heart all day.... so much so that I'm feeling compelled to post the lyrics here. So if anyone out there needs these words right now, here ya go:
Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me
Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other
Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me
Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Memorial Service *TW* Talk of Suicide
I attended my first military memorial service today. At times, there was some discomfort for me in the formality of the event, but at the same time there was a sense of honor and respect being paid to the deceased because of the protocol being followed. Overall, I left very impressed with the way the memorial service was handled.
The reason for the service was another reason. The sergeant we were memorializing committed suicide last week. My fiance was deployed with him in Afghanistan until they came home in Dec. All I heard about this sergeant that may have played into his suicide were that he came home from deployment to his wife divorcing him and then the weekend before he passed away, his girlfriend broke up with him. These issues on top of reintegration from war, send a "well duh" thought through my head. However, it seems no one else saw it coming. He had future trips planned, he wasn't giving away everything he owned, etc.
Many of those (including my fiance) that I had the privilege to speak with are in total shock. I understand their shock. Even with friends that have committed suicide and I knew they were in a space they might do that, there is a shock that comes along with not being able to believe they actually followed through. At the same time, being someone who was suicidal for so many years and watching close friends of mine struggle with suicidality, I highly doubt there were no signs. The signs were just too subtle for the "normal" person to notice.
I say "normal" b/c I believe those of us who have been suicidal at one point or another in our life or have people close to us who are gain a better understanding of what to look for and a gut feeling of when someone else might be struggling that much, even if they're hiding it from 95% of the people in their life. I believe it's also hard for a person who has never been suicidal to fathom situations or feelings that would push someone to that point. I bet you anything, those closest to him didn't realize the internal turmoil he'd probably been dealing with since returning home in Dec or even before. All it took was something big (or small) to be his breaking point.
Memorial services for someone who dies from suicide always feel so much sadder and more painful for me. When someone dies in battle, or in a car wreck, or in some way that is out of their control, for some reason it is easier to cope with. It's easier to think they've found peace with Jesus. NOTE: I do NOT believe suicide equates the inability for God's grace to cover you and grant you eternal life with him. I do find myself feeling more that the person's life was cut short though. What great things might they still have seen, done, or felt in the name of the Lord if they'd just stuck it out? Feelings are ever changing. I do know what it's like to be chronically depressed and suicidal for 5 straight years, so I know it's tiring, but I also know that the depression and impulses did wax and wane during that time, and it is possible to overcome.
I think part of the sickening thud that settles in my stomach when I hear of a suicide and especially if I attend the person's funeral or know the person personally is b/c I know how close I was in the Spring of 2008 of causing that pain on so many around me. In the moment, I couldn't see past what was directly in front of me, so I don't hold guilt per say. I was very sick. But I constantly praise God that he put me in a place where people could intervene and I could be given another chance and receive help from people who could help me.
At the memorial service today, I cried. I never met this sergeant. My fiance didn't know him all that well. Yet we were both greatly affected today by his death. For me, it's just another reminder that people I don't even know might be effected if I chose to end my life before God calls me home.
I am very much in prayer for the family and friends of this sergeant and of anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide. In addition, I am in deep prayer for those people I know and those I don't know who are having suicidal impulses. God always provides a way out, we just have to choose to pay attention to it and take it.
And praise God that he took care of me when I didn't want to pay attention or take advantage of my way out of my suicidal impulses and acted on them. If I had succeeded, I would not be getting married to the man of my dreams in less than 4 weeks, I wouldn't have been able to realize my dream to be a therapist - and a good one at that. And I for sure wouldn't have realized my desire to function well and happy on only 20mg of Prozac instead of 10 psychotropic meds at one time.
God is bigger than suicide. I wish I knew how to help people (including myself) remember this in moments of utter despair when all you can see, think, feel, act on is getting out of this world and ending this life as soon as possible!!!!
The reason for the service was another reason. The sergeant we were memorializing committed suicide last week. My fiance was deployed with him in Afghanistan until they came home in Dec. All I heard about this sergeant that may have played into his suicide were that he came home from deployment to his wife divorcing him and then the weekend before he passed away, his girlfriend broke up with him. These issues on top of reintegration from war, send a "well duh" thought through my head. However, it seems no one else saw it coming. He had future trips planned, he wasn't giving away everything he owned, etc.
Many of those (including my fiance) that I had the privilege to speak with are in total shock. I understand their shock. Even with friends that have committed suicide and I knew they were in a space they might do that, there is a shock that comes along with not being able to believe they actually followed through. At the same time, being someone who was suicidal for so many years and watching close friends of mine struggle with suicidality, I highly doubt there were no signs. The signs were just too subtle for the "normal" person to notice.
I say "normal" b/c I believe those of us who have been suicidal at one point or another in our life or have people close to us who are gain a better understanding of what to look for and a gut feeling of when someone else might be struggling that much, even if they're hiding it from 95% of the people in their life. I believe it's also hard for a person who has never been suicidal to fathom situations or feelings that would push someone to that point. I bet you anything, those closest to him didn't realize the internal turmoil he'd probably been dealing with since returning home in Dec or even before. All it took was something big (or small) to be his breaking point.
Memorial services for someone who dies from suicide always feel so much sadder and more painful for me. When someone dies in battle, or in a car wreck, or in some way that is out of their control, for some reason it is easier to cope with. It's easier to think they've found peace with Jesus. NOTE: I do NOT believe suicide equates the inability for God's grace to cover you and grant you eternal life with him. I do find myself feeling more that the person's life was cut short though. What great things might they still have seen, done, or felt in the name of the Lord if they'd just stuck it out? Feelings are ever changing. I do know what it's like to be chronically depressed and suicidal for 5 straight years, so I know it's tiring, but I also know that the depression and impulses did wax and wane during that time, and it is possible to overcome.
I think part of the sickening thud that settles in my stomach when I hear of a suicide and especially if I attend the person's funeral or know the person personally is b/c I know how close I was in the Spring of 2008 of causing that pain on so many around me. In the moment, I couldn't see past what was directly in front of me, so I don't hold guilt per say. I was very sick. But I constantly praise God that he put me in a place where people could intervene and I could be given another chance and receive help from people who could help me.
At the memorial service today, I cried. I never met this sergeant. My fiance didn't know him all that well. Yet we were both greatly affected today by his death. For me, it's just another reminder that people I don't even know might be effected if I chose to end my life before God calls me home.
I am very much in prayer for the family and friends of this sergeant and of anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide. In addition, I am in deep prayer for those people I know and those I don't know who are having suicidal impulses. God always provides a way out, we just have to choose to pay attention to it and take it.
And praise God that he took care of me when I didn't want to pay attention or take advantage of my way out of my suicidal impulses and acted on them. If I had succeeded, I would not be getting married to the man of my dreams in less than 4 weeks, I wouldn't have been able to realize my dream to be a therapist - and a good one at that. And I for sure wouldn't have realized my desire to function well and happy on only 20mg of Prozac instead of 10 psychotropic meds at one time.
God is bigger than suicide. I wish I knew how to help people (including myself) remember this in moments of utter despair when all you can see, think, feel, act on is getting out of this world and ending this life as soon as possible!!!!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
When the effort is worth it...
I've known since high school that I wanted to be a counselor - before I ever had a day of therapy on my own, before I ever had any diagnoses, before any hospitalizations, etc. I somehow (umm... the somehow is probably God and being DID) managed to keep all of my crap together during semesters and use holidays for hospitalizations long enough to obtain a bachelor's degree in Psychology and a master's degree in Counseling. Once I actually did finish school, sh*t pretty much hit the fan. Best I can tell my system was tired of keeping everything together and appearing normal and was exhausted from all of the unhealthy coping skills we were engaging in.
On more than one hospital stay I was told I would never be able to be a counselor. It would be better for me to give up that ideal and focus on something I might enjoy that was within my realms of capability. So, for 4 years, I worked a job doing research at a university. It wasn't a bad job, but it wasn't glamorous or exciting. It was a no-brainer and allowed me to spend a lot of time on therapy and doing the work I needed to get things more on track. Plus, being a large corporation, I was able to get away with 2 hospitalizations while employed without the fear of being fired thanks to FMLA. Throughout this time I never gave up on my hope/dream of one day being a counselor.
Last Spring I decided I felt ready. I started applying and interviewing for counseling jobs. No full-time jobs panned out, but I got into a local university to get my Ed.S. degree in School Counseling and I was granted a graduate assistant (GA) position in the Student Counseling department. Since I already had a Master's in Counseling they gladly set me up in an office and started assigning me a caseload. Talk about jumping in head first!
It was a bit nerve wracking at first and I was very unsure of myself. However, other than issues with a co-worker that I had in Fall semester, this has been one of the best jobs of my life! I love coming to work and meeting with my clients! Tomorrow is the last day of my GA. I would continue to keep working but my contract won't let me. Since tomorrow is my last day, I'm terminating with clients and hooking them up with other counselors in our department.
I got a letter from one of my clients today b/c she said she was afraid if she tried to speak the words she would cry too hard and not get through it. She asked me to wait and read it after she left. I did. Her words touched me so deeply. Not only because we've faced some tough struggles together in her life over the past 9 months but also because her letter told me that I CAN be a counselor and a half decent one at that. It may be childish but I feel like calling up those people who told me a couldn't and sticking out my tongue and saying "na na na na! Could so do it!" Silly I know, but I'd still like to do it.
My client's letter is below. Obviously names are removed for confidentiality reasons. I don't know why I feel so strongly I want to share this letter with those of you who read this. Maybe it's just to toot my own horn. I'd like to think it goes deeper than that. I'd like to think it's another example of someone who's struggled for so long but is continuing to fight b/c someone helped her feel less alone on her journey.
Dear Bravehearts,
Well, it seems like this year has just completely flown by. Things have gotten pretty shitty for me at certain times and at other times they were great. I am so thankful that I had you to help me through my roller coaster. I have learned a lot from meeting with you for counseling, most importantly I learned that there are people in the world who make me feel less alone on this tiring journey that I have been on.
One thing I have always looked forward to was coming to our appointments. It was like a water break during a marathon.
I'm sure you remember how I felt when I first started seeing you. I have convinced myself that if I did not succeed in school then I was done - no more trying. Well, I have most certainly failed (academically - I guess), yet here I am, putting one foot in front of the other. I want you to know that you have helped me find the steam to keep walking. Thank you for that help.
I am very sad that I will not be able to come sit in your office every Wednesday at 1:00pm, but I do feel somewhat hopeful that I can find something to do that will make me feel proud and less empty.
You have a gift in what you do and I'm sure whatever way you choose to use it will make a difference to many more people, not just me.
Thanks so much for your help and much needed support. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
Gratefully,
Client
Wow! A letter like that makes all of our difficult sessions and extra sessions worth it. No doubt in my mind that this is what God has called me to do, and I love doing it. Enough said.
On more than one hospital stay I was told I would never be able to be a counselor. It would be better for me to give up that ideal and focus on something I might enjoy that was within my realms of capability. So, for 4 years, I worked a job doing research at a university. It wasn't a bad job, but it wasn't glamorous or exciting. It was a no-brainer and allowed me to spend a lot of time on therapy and doing the work I needed to get things more on track. Plus, being a large corporation, I was able to get away with 2 hospitalizations while employed without the fear of being fired thanks to FMLA. Throughout this time I never gave up on my hope/dream of one day being a counselor.
Last Spring I decided I felt ready. I started applying and interviewing for counseling jobs. No full-time jobs panned out, but I got into a local university to get my Ed.S. degree in School Counseling and I was granted a graduate assistant (GA) position in the Student Counseling department. Since I already had a Master's in Counseling they gladly set me up in an office and started assigning me a caseload. Talk about jumping in head first!
It was a bit nerve wracking at first and I was very unsure of myself. However, other than issues with a co-worker that I had in Fall semester, this has been one of the best jobs of my life! I love coming to work and meeting with my clients! Tomorrow is the last day of my GA. I would continue to keep working but my contract won't let me. Since tomorrow is my last day, I'm terminating with clients and hooking them up with other counselors in our department.
I got a letter from one of my clients today b/c she said she was afraid if she tried to speak the words she would cry too hard and not get through it. She asked me to wait and read it after she left. I did. Her words touched me so deeply. Not only because we've faced some tough struggles together in her life over the past 9 months but also because her letter told me that I CAN be a counselor and a half decent one at that. It may be childish but I feel like calling up those people who told me a couldn't and sticking out my tongue and saying "na na na na! Could so do it!" Silly I know, but I'd still like to do it.
My client's letter is below. Obviously names are removed for confidentiality reasons. I don't know why I feel so strongly I want to share this letter with those of you who read this. Maybe it's just to toot my own horn. I'd like to think it goes deeper than that. I'd like to think it's another example of someone who's struggled for so long but is continuing to fight b/c someone helped her feel less alone on her journey.
Dear Bravehearts,
Well, it seems like this year has just completely flown by. Things have gotten pretty shitty for me at certain times and at other times they were great. I am so thankful that I had you to help me through my roller coaster. I have learned a lot from meeting with you for counseling, most importantly I learned that there are people in the world who make me feel less alone on this tiring journey that I have been on.
One thing I have always looked forward to was coming to our appointments. It was like a water break during a marathon.
I'm sure you remember how I felt when I first started seeing you. I have convinced myself that if I did not succeed in school then I was done - no more trying. Well, I have most certainly failed (academically - I guess), yet here I am, putting one foot in front of the other. I want you to know that you have helped me find the steam to keep walking. Thank you for that help.
I am very sad that I will not be able to come sit in your office every Wednesday at 1:00pm, but I do feel somewhat hopeful that I can find something to do that will make me feel proud and less empty.
You have a gift in what you do and I'm sure whatever way you choose to use it will make a difference to many more people, not just me.
Thanks so much for your help and much needed support. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
Gratefully,
Client
Wow! A letter like that makes all of our difficult sessions and extra sessions worth it. No doubt in my mind that this is what God has called me to do, and I love doing it. Enough said.
Issues
So apparently I'm having issues right now related to my blog or my computer. I am unsure. A friend informed me that she can see the post I wrote around the Monday timeframe on my blog, yet I am logged in on a different computer than my home one and am still unable to see it. I don't know what the deal is.
So if all of you out there can see that post I thought went missing, then I guess you can just ignore my ramblings from last night and today. At least this means I'm not losing my mind. :)
So if all of you out there can see that post I thought went missing, then I guess you can just ignore my ramblings from last night and today. At least this means I'm not losing my mind. :)
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
New Post?
I could have sworn I posted an entry on Monday but now I don't see it. Surely, I didn't imagine the whole post. I even talked about the post in therapy today. Where did it go? There seems to be no record of it.
Am I losing my mind or having computer issues? My e-mail got hacked Tuesday night. I use a different account for this blog, but maybe it messed up my computer a bit too?
Too late to figure it out tonight, but very confusing.
Oh well. Bed calls. Hopefully I'll have a more thoughtful entry tomorrow. :)
Am I losing my mind or having computer issues? My e-mail got hacked Tuesday night. I use a different account for this blog, but maybe it messed up my computer a bit too?
Too late to figure it out tonight, but very confusing.
Oh well. Bed calls. Hopefully I'll have a more thoughtful entry tomorrow. :)
Friday, April 23, 2010
the DES
So, I don't know how many of you out there have heard of or taken the DES (Dissociative Experiences Scale). I've taken it several times in my life. I took it again this past week as a follow-up and final part of a research study I've been participating in over the past 2 years. I found the results rather interesting and they also got me thinking. I think the DES is a valid instrument, but I'm currently wondering why it matters so much to so many professionals and why it is used a tool to determine one's ability to treat a potential client?
So, yeah, I was diagnosed DID about 10 years ago. I know I am DID. I know I dissociate. I also know I've made tons of progress and am actually functioning in this world rather fantastically (most of the time). I do not feel my dissociation keeps me from doing anything a "normal" person would do. I work; I'm finishing up my 2nd graduate degree; I'm getting married in 37 days, so I'm doing everything that entails; I have healthy relationships; I enjoy a lot about life these days. I really couldn't ask for things to be much better. Sure some rough stuff still comes up in therapy and I am not totally free from my past. I am still triggered from time to time and am continually still learning to trust myself, my emotions, and others.
What was surprising to me is that according to the way I scored on the DES, I should still be a wreck. According to that thing I am still crazy dissociative and looking at the results you wouldn't think I'd be able to function at all. On the other hand, I think some of the items on the DES are items that people without dissociative disorders experience. My mom can so get lost in a book and forget the world around her exists. She can be driving and end up where she wants to be but have no idea how she got there. My dad can compartmentalize anything. They don't have traumatic histories. They're about as normal as I'd say anyone ever gets. I wonder if I gave them the DES if they would score towards the end of having a disorder or not? Probably not, but I can guarantee you it would show they have some strong dissociative tendenices.
This makes me wonder if most everyone on this planet does? And if so, then how can the DES be used as an effective tool to determine whether someone is treatable or not?
Let me back up, I think the DES is a great tool to determine at what level and to what extent someone dissociates. I just don't think it should be used as diagnostically as a lot of people/clinicians use it.
You may disagree with me. This is just my two cents based on recent experiences. I will admit if I ever have a client who shows dissociative symptoms, I will probably give them the DES, but only as a means to help me figure out how best to help them in treatment - NEVER as a diagnostic tool.
So, yeah, I was diagnosed DID about 10 years ago. I know I am DID. I know I dissociate. I also know I've made tons of progress and am actually functioning in this world rather fantastically (most of the time). I do not feel my dissociation keeps me from doing anything a "normal" person would do. I work; I'm finishing up my 2nd graduate degree; I'm getting married in 37 days, so I'm doing everything that entails; I have healthy relationships; I enjoy a lot about life these days. I really couldn't ask for things to be much better. Sure some rough stuff still comes up in therapy and I am not totally free from my past. I am still triggered from time to time and am continually still learning to trust myself, my emotions, and others.
What was surprising to me is that according to the way I scored on the DES, I should still be a wreck. According to that thing I am still crazy dissociative and looking at the results you wouldn't think I'd be able to function at all. On the other hand, I think some of the items on the DES are items that people without dissociative disorders experience. My mom can so get lost in a book and forget the world around her exists. She can be driving and end up where she wants to be but have no idea how she got there. My dad can compartmentalize anything. They don't have traumatic histories. They're about as normal as I'd say anyone ever gets. I wonder if I gave them the DES if they would score towards the end of having a disorder or not? Probably not, but I can guarantee you it would show they have some strong dissociative tendenices.
This makes me wonder if most everyone on this planet does? And if so, then how can the DES be used as an effective tool to determine whether someone is treatable or not?
Let me back up, I think the DES is a great tool to determine at what level and to what extent someone dissociates. I just don't think it should be used as diagnostically as a lot of people/clinicians use it.
You may disagree with me. This is just my two cents based on recent experiences. I will admit if I ever have a client who shows dissociative symptoms, I will probably give them the DES, but only as a means to help me figure out how best to help them in treatment - NEVER as a diagnostic tool.
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