For those of you walking the same journey of healing from childhood sexual abuse and have a diagnosis of DID like me have probably experienced some growing pains associated with healing. Sometimes it's in the form of things seeming to get worse before they get better. Sometimes it's finally making it through one set of issues only to run into another. For me, it seems the next set of issues were always there, they were just not as pressing or they were difficult to see because of my current issues. Lately, most of my growing pains have revolved around learning what 'normal every day life' is like. It's thrilling to be in a place where "normal" problems are what I deal with on a lot of days, but I've also realized I don't know how to deal with everyday life stuff and have had to learn just like I had to learn grounding and containment and all of the things to help me cope with PTSD and DID.
In the last few months I've faced a new set of growing pains. They aren't actually my growing pains, but I am direcctly affected by them. They are the growing pains of friends and family who are being forced to grow because I have grown. They are having to grow and recognize me as the person I am now. While so many have wanted me to be in a more stable place, it seems now that I am in one, it is difficult for them to recognize, honor, and respect this. In all of the places I saw challenges, I never expected to see them in helping people close to be to allow me to be the me I am now.
I do understand with some people in my life I am having to regain trust and prove that I can make smart decisions for myself b/c for a long time I was not making safe decisions if left to my own devices because I was in so much pain and wanted nothing more than for everything to end. Those poeple had to make sure I stayed safe and did not make a decision I would regret or could be fatal or final.
I must I must admit that I was surprised by several people who seem to be having issues letting me grow and heal who are in my life and who knew of my struggles but did not daily walk through them with me. There have been moments in the last couple of weeks when I wish I could call everyone together for a meeting and bring therapist and have a huge group therapy session to get everyone up to date, out of the past, and on the same page with me. LOL! I can only imagine how crazy that would be.
I am realizing what really matters most is that fiance and I are on the same page (the page we both feel God wants us on) and that therapist and I believe we are helping him understand my current issues and struggles and how he can be helpful. While it would be nice if everyone else was on board too, it doesn't really matter.
Therapist feels we are on the right track (as do I) and fiancee really gets things. When it comes down to it, that's all I need to get married in 5 1/2 weeks. Everyone else is just going to have to find a way to trust me and leave their concerns at the church door.
Who knew your growth and progress would actually cause growing pains for others in your life as well?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Changes in perspective
I've been so busy with wedding stuff, wrapping up school and work stuff, some recent friend drama, that I feel I'm neglecting my inside world.
While my inside world is not so chaotic that I still lose time, switch uncontrollably, and lots of other symptoms I used to struggle with, there is still a very active world in my each. Each part with her own thoughts and feelings and running commentaries. While I continue to feel more and more connected to several of these parts, there are still a few 'outliers' that feel very foreign to me, and I sometimes forget that they are me, just as I am them.
One of these parts had a drastic change in her perspective in a therapy session a couple of weeks ago. I've wanted to blog about it and check in with her more often to see how she is doing, but before I even made it home from that therapy session where the break-thru happened, I had major drama with a bridesmaid that derailed several other parts internally and played on some of my deepest fears regarding my upcoming wedding. With all of that sorted out and back on track, I feel the need to return to this part and her changing perspective and the fall-out from that.
However, as I was telling therapist today, I can't seem to get into that space to reconnect with her. The day she shared in therapy, I felt horrible (switching headache, nausea from memories, overwhelming emotions of sadness, guilt, depression from her) but there was also a lot of clarity. Despite the awful feelings, I was looking forward to processing this experience and the progress she'd made b/c I knew it was important, and I also knew to her it didn't feel like progress, only more confusion. For whatever reason, I was not granted that opportunity.
Now, 2 weeks later, my mind knows I need to go back there and I am concerned for her, but at the same time I am feeling so drained from life in general. It's hard for me to go search her out and get back in that space with her. I know she needs me to. I think that will be the plan for therapy on Wednesday. However, if we don't get some internal work started before Wednesday, I'm not sure we'll get to her.
I'm beginning to feel the deadline of my upcoming wedding when it comes to therapy issues. My fiance is great! I couldn't ask for more. He is being so supportive. I am not worried about him pressuring me into anything I'm not ready for - even on our wedding night. I am very excited to be his wife! At the same time, there are areas that need to be addressed more in therapy and it's frustrating when life gets in the way and keeps me from being able to focus our sessions where I'd like. Lately it seems there's always some sort of mini-crisis that takes precedence in therapy.
I've been being made more and more aware of the spiritual warfare going on around me and I can't help but wonder if these are satan's distractions to keep me from goals and potential progress that will help me.... much like I find him doing when it comes to spending time with God or in the word... Distractions cause me to lose my focus and my goal more than anything else.
Okay so this has been a random blog about lots of things that aren't very coherent, but I'm still gonna post it b/c it's what's going through my head right now.
While my inside world is not so chaotic that I still lose time, switch uncontrollably, and lots of other symptoms I used to struggle with, there is still a very active world in my each. Each part with her own thoughts and feelings and running commentaries. While I continue to feel more and more connected to several of these parts, there are still a few 'outliers' that feel very foreign to me, and I sometimes forget that they are me, just as I am them.
One of these parts had a drastic change in her perspective in a therapy session a couple of weeks ago. I've wanted to blog about it and check in with her more often to see how she is doing, but before I even made it home from that therapy session where the break-thru happened, I had major drama with a bridesmaid that derailed several other parts internally and played on some of my deepest fears regarding my upcoming wedding. With all of that sorted out and back on track, I feel the need to return to this part and her changing perspective and the fall-out from that.
However, as I was telling therapist today, I can't seem to get into that space to reconnect with her. The day she shared in therapy, I felt horrible (switching headache, nausea from memories, overwhelming emotions of sadness, guilt, depression from her) but there was also a lot of clarity. Despite the awful feelings, I was looking forward to processing this experience and the progress she'd made b/c I knew it was important, and I also knew to her it didn't feel like progress, only more confusion. For whatever reason, I was not granted that opportunity.
Now, 2 weeks later, my mind knows I need to go back there and I am concerned for her, but at the same time I am feeling so drained from life in general. It's hard for me to go search her out and get back in that space with her. I know she needs me to. I think that will be the plan for therapy on Wednesday. However, if we don't get some internal work started before Wednesday, I'm not sure we'll get to her.
I'm beginning to feel the deadline of my upcoming wedding when it comes to therapy issues. My fiance is great! I couldn't ask for more. He is being so supportive. I am not worried about him pressuring me into anything I'm not ready for - even on our wedding night. I am very excited to be his wife! At the same time, there are areas that need to be addressed more in therapy and it's frustrating when life gets in the way and keeps me from being able to focus our sessions where I'd like. Lately it seems there's always some sort of mini-crisis that takes precedence in therapy.
I've been being made more and more aware of the spiritual warfare going on around me and I can't help but wonder if these are satan's distractions to keep me from goals and potential progress that will help me.... much like I find him doing when it comes to spending time with God or in the word... Distractions cause me to lose my focus and my goal more than anything else.
Okay so this has been a random blog about lots of things that aren't very coherent, but I'm still gonna post it b/c it's what's going through my head right now.
Water Works
I'm in the process of writing 3 different blog entries. They are not finished because the last of the ones I will probably post (of the ones I'm currently working on) happened yesterday and has been pretty consuming all of last night and today.
However, this one is short but still something I didn't want to get away from me. I realized during therapy yesterday how I am still amazed that I can walk into a therapy session feeling great with no agenda of things I felt "had" to be discussed and all therapist has to do is ask the right set of questions or ask to talk to a specific part and BAM: water works! and not just little tears.. crocodile tears and irregular breathing.
I find myself wondering. Where does all of this hide the rest of the week? I don't walk around always feeling like I need to cry. I don't find this upsetting or disconcerting..... just an interesting observation.
However, this one is short but still something I didn't want to get away from me. I realized during therapy yesterday how I am still amazed that I can walk into a therapy session feeling great with no agenda of things I felt "had" to be discussed and all therapist has to do is ask the right set of questions or ask to talk to a specific part and BAM: water works! and not just little tears.. crocodile tears and irregular breathing.
I find myself wondering. Where does all of this hide the rest of the week? I don't walk around always feeling like I need to cry. I don't find this upsetting or disconcerting..... just an interesting observation.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Still here
Hey everyone! I apologize for not posting anything in two weeks. I'm still here and kicking. There never seems to be enough time in the day to do everything I want to do and sadly blogging always seems to be at the bottom of my list of things that must get done.
Wrapping up school for the semester, passing off clients to other counselors because my GA position ends when school ends, getting ready for the wedding in 6 weeks and moving next weekend seems to leave little time for things I'd like to be taking time to do.
Forgive my if my posts continue to be sporadic until about mid-June. Everything should calm down then, and I'll be married - meaning I'm sure many parts will have lots to say regarding being married and s*x and all sorts of things that we haven't had to deal with before. Good times.
Anyways, just wanted to post to say that I'm hanging in there pretty well. I appreciate you all still stopping by and checking in.
Take care.
Wrapping up school for the semester, passing off clients to other counselors because my GA position ends when school ends, getting ready for the wedding in 6 weeks and moving next weekend seems to leave little time for things I'd like to be taking time to do.
Forgive my if my posts continue to be sporadic until about mid-June. Everything should calm down then, and I'll be married - meaning I'm sure many parts will have lots to say regarding being married and s*x and all sorts of things that we haven't had to deal with before. Good times.
Anyways, just wanted to post to say that I'm hanging in there pretty well. I appreciate you all still stopping by and checking in.
Take care.
Friday, March 26, 2010
My Voice For Today
Ahh... allergies... Yep, it's that time of year and apparently this new city that I'm living in blooms the exact things that I'm allergic to. Lucky me. I lost my voice Wed night and it has yet to return, so for now typing is my best form of communication.
It is amazing that when I get sick it seems so much easier to prioritize things, and things that seemed so important beforehand fall to the wayside without a second thought. I've been sleeping so much more this week during the daytime, but all of the "important" stuff is still getting done. I finished my homework assignment earlier in the week than I normally do. I still have a mid-term due by midnight on Sunday, but I'm not worried about it getting done. Wedding stuff is coming along, so yeah, I'm on top of things.
But I HATE not being able to talk. Verbal communication is how I stay connected to 95% of the people in my life that I care about. On days when I can't be in the physical presense of others, I always have my phone or Skype or some other way to communicate with others and feel connected.
Laringitis is my worst enemy! LOL! Okay, I can probably think of much worse things, but it is one of the few physical ailments that affects me mentally as well because I feel cut off from the rest of the world against my will.... Hmmm, bet if it dug hard enough there's some past memory and/or issue related to being cut off from the rest of the world against my will. However, since I'm sick and it's Friday, I think I'll wait and go there with therapist on Monday.
Hopefully resting all day today and tomorrow, along with staying inside and away from everything that's blooming will help my voice to return and my body to heal faster. *fingers crossed*
It is amazing that when I get sick it seems so much easier to prioritize things, and things that seemed so important beforehand fall to the wayside without a second thought. I've been sleeping so much more this week during the daytime, but all of the "important" stuff is still getting done. I finished my homework assignment earlier in the week than I normally do. I still have a mid-term due by midnight on Sunday, but I'm not worried about it getting done. Wedding stuff is coming along, so yeah, I'm on top of things.
But I HATE not being able to talk. Verbal communication is how I stay connected to 95% of the people in my life that I care about. On days when I can't be in the physical presense of others, I always have my phone or Skype or some other way to communicate with others and feel connected.
Laringitis is my worst enemy! LOL! Okay, I can probably think of much worse things, but it is one of the few physical ailments that affects me mentally as well because I feel cut off from the rest of the world against my will.... Hmmm, bet if it dug hard enough there's some past memory and/or issue related to being cut off from the rest of the world against my will. However, since I'm sick and it's Friday, I think I'll wait and go there with therapist on Monday.
Hopefully resting all day today and tomorrow, along with staying inside and away from everything that's blooming will help my voice to return and my body to heal faster. *fingers crossed*
Monday, March 22, 2010
Familiar craziness
Well, last week's unfamiliar craziness settled into old familiar craziness after therapy today. On one hand, the way we're feeling now is familiar so there's more an idea of what to expect. On the other hand, I know the potential and places this crazy can take us.
A part that seems to constantly struggle more than her fair share who disoriented us so much last week and made us aware of some things in our internal world that we were unaware of talked again in therapy today.
Let me back up just a bit. I don't have the best internal communication with this part so when she wants to fly below the radar, it's very easy for her to do. Somehow over the past few months she'd managed to take all of her feelings and memories that she held and get them outside of her. For her, this was the most peace she's ever felt. She told therapist today that her body now feels hollow and that she doesn't feel anything. The only drawback to having everything out of her is that it had her completely cut off from the external world, thus the total disorientation.
During therapy today, the black hands (as she calls them) tried to pull her back in while she was forward like they did last session. Therapist worked hard to help keep this part forward. I guess it was working b/c the black hands decided to push all of her feelings and memories back up into her while she was forward since they weren't able to pull her down into it. It was the craziest thing to watch from the inside. It was like all of these pictures and feelings and words filled her hollow body up like a liquid going into a pitcher until she was completely full again.
The pain of having everything back had her wailing in therapy for a bit, then she seemed to very quicky resign to the idea that this is "her lot in life." She then started asking questions about the outside world that she's been missing out on. She was rather surprised to learn that the wedding that was forever away when she first found out is only 2 months away. She has agreed to talk to therapist about her fears and try to understand why marriage and having a man around all the time is a good idea, but I'll admit that I'm scared.
I know she will work hard, but I've been so excited that my wedding is getting close. I feel ready to be married and wish the wedding was next weekend (except for the fact that everything's not done yet). With this part always being the most against an intimate relationship with another human being, especially a male now able to and interested in paying attention to the outside world again, 2 months does NOT feel like enough time. Therapist says she believes this part does not have the energy or is oriented enough to the present yet to sabotage my relationship with fiancee or do something to call the wedding off, but I'm not as convinced. This part is the one who managed to tie our bed sheet in a knot to the bed and the other end into a noose around our neck and try to strangle us while having a flashback in an inpatient hospital. There is the potential she could have succeeded had staff not intervened.
I'm not expecting this part to act on anything anytime soon and hopefully not at all. Still, I hated the familiar thoughts and feelings that were going through my head as I drove home today. At one point, we drove past a truck on the interstate who had a casket company logo on the side. The thought that went through my head.... "I want to be in a casket. I want to stop breathing and rest forever." No part of me planned to do anything to act on those thoughts, but I guess I just got used to not having thoughts like that automatically flow through my head.
For now, I guess we're just going to consider this a work in progress and stay hopeful. :-P
A part that seems to constantly struggle more than her fair share who disoriented us so much last week and made us aware of some things in our internal world that we were unaware of talked again in therapy today.
Let me back up just a bit. I don't have the best internal communication with this part so when she wants to fly below the radar, it's very easy for her to do. Somehow over the past few months she'd managed to take all of her feelings and memories that she held and get them outside of her. For her, this was the most peace she's ever felt. She told therapist today that her body now feels hollow and that she doesn't feel anything. The only drawback to having everything out of her is that it had her completely cut off from the external world, thus the total disorientation.
During therapy today, the black hands (as she calls them) tried to pull her back in while she was forward like they did last session. Therapist worked hard to help keep this part forward. I guess it was working b/c the black hands decided to push all of her feelings and memories back up into her while she was forward since they weren't able to pull her down into it. It was the craziest thing to watch from the inside. It was like all of these pictures and feelings and words filled her hollow body up like a liquid going into a pitcher until she was completely full again.
The pain of having everything back had her wailing in therapy for a bit, then she seemed to very quicky resign to the idea that this is "her lot in life." She then started asking questions about the outside world that she's been missing out on. She was rather surprised to learn that the wedding that was forever away when she first found out is only 2 months away. She has agreed to talk to therapist about her fears and try to understand why marriage and having a man around all the time is a good idea, but I'll admit that I'm scared.
I know she will work hard, but I've been so excited that my wedding is getting close. I feel ready to be married and wish the wedding was next weekend (except for the fact that everything's not done yet). With this part always being the most against an intimate relationship with another human being, especially a male now able to and interested in paying attention to the outside world again, 2 months does NOT feel like enough time. Therapist says she believes this part does not have the energy or is oriented enough to the present yet to sabotage my relationship with fiancee or do something to call the wedding off, but I'm not as convinced. This part is the one who managed to tie our bed sheet in a knot to the bed and the other end into a noose around our neck and try to strangle us while having a flashback in an inpatient hospital. There is the potential she could have succeeded had staff not intervened.
I'm not expecting this part to act on anything anytime soon and hopefully not at all. Still, I hated the familiar thoughts and feelings that were going through my head as I drove home today. At one point, we drove past a truck on the interstate who had a casket company logo on the side. The thought that went through my head.... "I want to be in a casket. I want to stop breathing and rest forever." No part of me planned to do anything to act on those thoughts, but I guess I just got used to not having thoughts like that automatically flow through my head.
For now, I guess we're just going to consider this a work in progress and stay hopeful. :-P
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Hello craziness!
Alas, as much as I want to pretend my head is completely "normal" (whatever that means) most of the time, I am occassionally reminded of the craziness that still exists inside, biding its time while I go on with my external life. I don't think I've been trying to pretend things are okay with all parts inside when they're not. I think I've just been allowing myself to be oblivious and not purposely look at anything that appears chaotic or reminiscent of old, painful feelings.
Therapist will be frustrated that I used the word crazy in this post if she reads it. We both know that I'm not literally crazy, but I don't know how else to explain the chaotic, unrealistic things that my mind is able to create. I tell people new to DID all the time that nothing that may share is crazy b/c DID manifests itself differently in every person and is based on a person's creativity. It doesn't have to be viable in the 3D world. It just has to be sustainable in your internal world.
Yet I found myself in therapy yesterday explaining things going on inside to therapist and admitting that those things sounded rediculous as they were coming out of my mouth. I have learned over time that arguing with myself or parts about the reality or validity of the things going on is futile. Whether it makes sense or seems possible or not to me is pointless. It is real to the part(s) experiencing it and I know I must honor that.
Knowing this, I'm looking at entering another scary place in therapy that I don't really want to try to go while I'm working, going to school and planning a wedding. But hey, when has my system decided to do the hard work when my life isn't stressful? Plus, I know me. The better I feel, the busier I'll get, and I won't ever address some things unless I'm made to. :P
I'm finding the motivation to continue to do the hard work in therapy is much less when I'm not in a desperate place where I need things to change just in order to want to stay alive. Things aren't where I want them in my life, but they're good enough for now. This mindset makes it so hard for me to want to push through and continue doing the difficult and painful work that always makes you feel worse before you feel better. I know I need to do this work b/c I want all of me to feel as good as the one part of me writing this blog tonight feels. I also definitely don't want to backslide to where I was!! That alone should be motivation enough.
Therapist will be frustrated that I used the word crazy in this post if she reads it. We both know that I'm not literally crazy, but I don't know how else to explain the chaotic, unrealistic things that my mind is able to create. I tell people new to DID all the time that nothing that may share is crazy b/c DID manifests itself differently in every person and is based on a person's creativity. It doesn't have to be viable in the 3D world. It just has to be sustainable in your internal world.
Yet I found myself in therapy yesterday explaining things going on inside to therapist and admitting that those things sounded rediculous as they were coming out of my mouth. I have learned over time that arguing with myself or parts about the reality or validity of the things going on is futile. Whether it makes sense or seems possible or not to me is pointless. It is real to the part(s) experiencing it and I know I must honor that.
Knowing this, I'm looking at entering another scary place in therapy that I don't really want to try to go while I'm working, going to school and planning a wedding. But hey, when has my system decided to do the hard work when my life isn't stressful? Plus, I know me. The better I feel, the busier I'll get, and I won't ever address some things unless I'm made to. :P
I'm finding the motivation to continue to do the hard work in therapy is much less when I'm not in a desperate place where I need things to change just in order to want to stay alive. Things aren't where I want them in my life, but they're good enough for now. This mindset makes it so hard for me to want to push through and continue doing the difficult and painful work that always makes you feel worse before you feel better. I know I need to do this work b/c I want all of me to feel as good as the one part of me writing this blog tonight feels. I also definitely don't want to backslide to where I was!! That alone should be motivation enough.
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