Safety

So we made it a year and a month with almost no major self-injury impulses. We're really proud of that, and we're still SI free, but I'm not sure how much longer that will last. Therapist talked to a part yesterday who is really struggling. This part has been struggling for a long time, but this is a different kind of struggle because the beliefs she's held about herself and the whole world her entire life are being challenged by therapist. Sifting through truth and lies trying to find out what reality really is is kind of pushing her over the edge. So far, we're managing as a system, but it hasn't been this hard in over a year. This is the first time that I'm not sure we can keep a safety contract. In the past, I've not wanted to keep them, but I knew we could. This feels a little out of control.



The only way therapist got this part to make a short-term safety contract was to mention police if we ignored safety check-ins. We all understood, calling the police would not be a punishment. It would be done out of fear that we were not safe and needed help b/c we were not checking in or answering calls from therapist to affirm we were still safe. The fear of causing a scene was enough to get a safety contract, so I guess it worked. We checked in with therapist three times last night and then once this morning, just to say we're still keeping our safety contract. I don't really know if we're supposed to check in anymore between now and our Thursday appointment. I'm sure we can if we want to, but therapist didn't say we had to. We did promise to call her before self-injuring, so I guess if things do get worse, we will be checking in whether we want to or not.

Not convinced we're on the precipice of another downward spiral yet, but still finding the place we're in right now frustrating and disheartening. We haven't been here in a year. I was hoping this part was behind us. Now I think maybe things are just cyclical. Maybe they'll get better again when we work through this next wave of crap, and they'll stay good until it's time to deal with the next level. Are there always going to be levels and layers of stuff to get through? I don't think we have anything left to remember. I thought that would be the biggest part, but now it seems as remembering was just the beginning and now the real work is starting.

I don't know. Hopefully I'm just being a pessimist today and I'll feel differently in a day or two. Really really not wanting to go back into that dark place! Not sure how to avoid it and still do the work that needs to be done though. *Sigh*

I'm an idiot!

My sweet boyfriend sent me a gift package from Bath & Body Works today. It's this incredibly cute canvas tote an inside was a set of four Bath & Body works products all scented Japanese Blossom. Now, I struggle with strong fragrances and some flower scents in the sense that they can be very triggering smells for me. I'd never smelled Japanese Blossom, so rather than doing the smart thing and spraying the body spray into the air and smelling it, I go ahead and spray it on my wrists to smell it. It is a wonderful smell, but it is triggering the mess out of me at the same time. Boyfriend is not aware of my sensitivity to perfumes/colognes b/c the kind he wears wasn't triggering to me, so I never said anything. I don't blame him at all, and I think I can go to B &B Works and exchange the items for a non-triggering scent. He is so good to me.

Here's the deal. Since I had to try something on, why didn't I try the lotion or the body gel? They would have been easier to wash off. Then I would be sitting here at my desk 2 hours later trying to keep my hands as far away from my face as possible. I'm my own walking trigger today. Smart.... real smart!

I love my boyfriend and my therapist!

Probably a really weird title, but it's the truth. Both of them saved me from panic attacks today. Boyfriend's been in Afghanistan for almost 4 months, and while we talk a lot, I didn't realize how much not getting to see his body language and feel his touch would affect me. I'm trying to make future plans, and I want him to be included in those. Over the past few days I'd become fearful that maybe he wasn't still planning to include me in his future plans. (He had not done anything to make me feel this way or given any indication that he loved me any less - this was just an insecurity on my part.) I sent him an e-mail asking him if he could call me on the phone this weekend. He responded and said he would call tonight.

I tried to get my thoughts together today about what I needed from him, what I wanted to share with him, all the different things/scenarios I'm thinking about. The more I thought about it, the more came into my head. I wrote it all out, but that only served to make me think about it more and bring up more questions. Looking at everything I was potentially considering telling him and asking him started to freak me out b/c I became afraid that I would overwhelm him or scare him and ruin the best thing in my life right now. I was looking for a little clarification and so many of my thoughts and fears where coming forward that it turned into more of wanting to share things or ask for things that I don't really need to right now.

I called my therapist at 3:45pm today hoping to leave a message to see if she had time to talk on the phone before my talk with boyfriend tonight. To my delight she answered her phone and had 45 minutes until her next client. My work is close to her office, so I asked if I could come by and talk to her in person, she allowed me to. It helped me to be able to show her all the craziness I'd written out and tell at least one person everything that was running through my head knowing I wouldn't freak her out. She then helped me sort through all the craziness and figure out what I really needed/wanted right now and what didn't really matter. She also helped me find the right words, expressions, and phrases to say what I want to say in a good way. She says I'm a fast learner, but I took notes while we were talking, so I had her words right there in front of me when I was on the phone with boyfriend. :)

Talk with boyfriend went great tonight! I stayed with the few topics therapist and I said were most important to know for now. I used words that didn't portray I was looking for anything specific, i.e. a lifelong commitment, but was still able to convey how much I really do love him and care about him. I knew it deep down, but it was really nice to hear him say the same back to me. He's much better at showing me than telling me, which is fine when he's in the States, but doesn't work so well when he's in Afghanistan. And the best part... we're still thinking along the same lines for our future...... marriage one day. Neither of us are rushing that, but we both want it. That makes me so excited!!!!!!!!! How can this awesome guy after 10 months still consider me marriage material and say he cares about me more and more everyday? I am so blessed!!!!

Anyways, what started off as an anxiety-filled, obsessive thinking day, is ending with lots of good feelings, peace, love for my boyfriend, and an ever increasing level of gratitude for my therapist.

So tired

Not sure why, but I am so tired. I slept a lot this weekend. I thought that would help. It seemed to until this morning. I've been so tired all day. Things have been better emotionally the past few days, and I'm not physically sick, so the best I can come up with is that my dreams are becoming more intense. Most nights I do have bad dreams, but even on nights that I have neutral or good dreams, they can still be so intense and draining.

I did a sleep study in college. They diagnosed me with Periodic Limb Movement Disorder - basically I jerk in my sleep. I know I also grind my teeth when I sleep and I have mouth guards for that, and I've been told that I talk in my sleep. I must be a joy to share a room or bed with, huh?

I tend to think that these are the reasons I'm tired a lot. Every now and then, like today, I wonder if more of it is rooted in internal turmoil than I actually give it credit for. The flashes I was getting on Thurs, Fri, and Sat have stopped for the time being. I assume they're not gone. Have they just manifested themselves internally and the result is exhaustion on my part? Maybe I'm trying to find something that's not there. Maybe I just have physical issues and this the way that I sleep. I'm always going to require more sleep than the normal person to get the same quality of sleep.

Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight. If I get a lot sleep and I'm still exhausted, we can explore this more thoroughly in therapy on Thursday.

Flashes

Red boa. Red lipstick. I'm cold. Lots of flashes of light coming from the dark. Lights shining bright on me. Darkness in front of me beyond the lights. Someone is ordering me around, but the words are too distant. I can't hear them. I'm moving around but staying in the same place.

And that is all I know right now. Since yesterday evening I've been plagued by what I assume is part of a memory for someone inside. I don't understand it right now. I don't really want to, but I don't think it's going away. Ugh.

Triggers

Triggers.... Do you ever overcome all of them? Are new ones always going to pop up? Will they always touch such a deep pain?

I had planned to go with some friends to Kentucky this weekend to help with clean-up from the horrible ice storms they had about a month ago. I found out last night my former roommate is going, so I'm not going anymore. We have a lot of mutual friends, so I see her a lot, but I avoid small group situations. I can't remember if I've written about my former roommate. Everything with her would be multiple other posts, and I may in the future, but for now I'll leave it at that she is very manipulative, self-absorbed, and incredibly triggering to parts inside. We were strong enough to recognize it was a bad situation and move out, but a lot of damage was still done - and I think to an extent I'm just now realizing how much.

So today I was struggling with being frustrated for backing out on a trip I wanted to go on b/c I was freaking out inside about this weekend. I knew a roadtrip in the same car with her would surely result in me being triggered and having a meltdown. At the same time I was feeling really guilty today about backing out of my commitment to help these people who need help.

Therapist and I talked about this in session today. I am amazed at how much I can still forget and in a relatively short period of time. Therapist reminded me how roommate was a huge trigger for Angel, and how serious things were right before I moved out. I remember that now, but I had forgotten. I've only lived in my new place for 2 months. How do I forget something that major so quickly? This realization allowed us to trace back what about former roommate's words and behaviors triggered past memories, and even though it doesn't make anything any easier, it at least helps with the guilt and makes it easier to just accept the feelings as they are and accept ourselves where we are. There's a reason for the feelings and fears again. They are no longer meaningless and an overreacting to a current situation.

Even though I'm feeling less anxious and less guilty, I'm still feeling depressed. I wonder if parts of my life are always going to be dictated by my past. Are there always going to be things I can't handle, can't do, overreact to? Can I ever be in the present without associating most situations to something in the past? When does being strong and able to stop a current negative situation have enough power to not trigger old, scared feelings? When does making positive steps in your present life start to take away the power of childhood experiences when you had no control? Will that ever happen? Or will I learn how to protect us now while always feeling vulnerable and scared inside?

I don't even feel safe with myself tonight. Nothing feels safe, but my mind knows we are very safe. What the mind knows doesn't matter right now though. I've got to find plans for this weekend. New roommate is out of town and good friends in town are going on the KY trip. Being alone all weekend is not a smart idea. Even if we are able to stay safe, I think we will mentally and emotionally struggle a lot if I don't find an external distraction that is also low stress.

Starting to feel little. Think I'm going to stop right here. Afraid my ability to make sense is about to leave.

A big difference

So, it's almost 12 hours since my last post, and I am in a completely different place emotionally and mentally. How does that happen? I am not Bipolar - this is not manic... This is just happy and everything is funny. No grandiose thoughts, no out of control behavior. In fact, I didn't even go out for St. Patty's Day. I came home and applied for new jobs while I watched American Idol. What an exciting evening!!!!!!!!! :)

I shouldn't question why things are different and should just go with it, but I want to know so I can replicate this next time I'm having a really hard day emotionally. I talked to Tempy on the phone tonight and she noticed the difference as well. She asked if I could bottle up some and send to her. I sure would if I could. However, I don't know how and I don't know why things are feeling so good and peaceful now when this morning things felt in such turmoil.

Maybe some insight will come to me while I'm asleep. Sadly, that's how I get informed of most things going on internally.