Shame

Recently I've come to the realization that shame is a theme throughout my entire life. It seems to be satan's preferred mode of attack. While many new things in therapy have come out over the last few months and that which has been hidden is coming to light, the ever present, almost impenetrable barrier and common factor is shame. In addition to my abuse struggles, our current-day struggles of infertility are covered in shame - some of it self-inflicted and some of it coming from well-meaning people who are ignorant and don't realize what they're really saying.

I want to let go of the shame. Being filled with shame is not a fun place to be. However, it has been so deeply ingrained and programmed into my mind, into my being, since I was such a young child, the process feels like trying to manually separate my muscles from my bones. It feels impossible. Shame feels so much a part of me and my identity at this point, it feels impossible to just let go of it and not own it anymore.
Therapist believes it is possible, and I am grateful for her hope and commitment to me, but I have a very hard time believing it's no more possible than it is for me to get a new body and get rid of this one that holds so many awful memories.

Therapy itself is a minefield right now. I told therapist last night that doing this work feels like being in my own version of the game Jumanji. Every roll of the dice, every move forward towards winning "the game" sets off some massive event to avoid, wade through, or overcome - many of which are life threatening. Even if I believe there has to be an ending to all of this with no more surprises or triggers or flipped switches, I sometimes wonder if we'll survive all of the "traps and switches" between here and there. Shame is what drives the thought processes of most of these current struggles, and while in and of itself may not pose safety issues, I definitely feel it is our hardest hurdle to overcome.

Today I am alive and breathing. Today I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and try to focus on how God sees me - as spotless and blameless because of Jesus' sacrifice. It's all I can do and thankfully it's all He asks of me.

You Know Your System is Hiding Something When....

They throw a part they've been protecting for years and vowed they'd die before letting you meet is "thrown under the bus" as a means to distract Therapist.

This was last Thursday's session. Therapist has been talking with parts trying to continue work that was started over a year ago and then put on hold for several months due to me not living locally. The resistance to her speaking with certain parts and gaining certain information is so strong that on Thursday, Therapist ended up having the opportunity to meet the CORE.... 8 year old us who has been protected from any knowledge of the abuse and goes by the body's given name. Up to Thursday there had been multiple parts who had stated their life's work was to keep the core safe and allow no one to interact with her. In previous therapy sessions, agreements had been made between Therapist and these parts that she could pursue certain avenues of therapy and interactions with parts as long as she left the Core alone.

What information is so crucial to keep hidden, that parts inside would decide it was better to throw the Core out forward to interact with Therapist and distract her than to continue to keep the Core safe and hidden? They're not stupid though because it totally worked. Therapist was awed about getting to meet the Core and spent the rest of the session talking with her. It wasn't a waste of a session. I think therapist got some good info and gained new insight. However, it was still sucessful in distracting therapist from her main goal of trying to get to the root of the lies our abuser placed in us in order to cause a huge, positive system shift.

Currently I feel like my body has been hijacked, and I don't know if I'm coming or going half the time. We're still safe and functioning appropriately in our external life, but, good grief, I feel like a walking circus right now. I'm wondering how big the internal stunts are going to get before the finale of this showdown.

Has anyone invented a "time-out" button yet?

Unsettling Side Effects from Current Therapeutic Work

We're carefully broaching, dancing around, and slowly starting some therapeutic work that seems to be met with more resistance than anything we've done so far. It's amazing the physical reactions I'm having just talking about talking about these issues. My most recent, yet consistent symptoms when trying to do this work are a numbing of my arms that starts between my shoulder and elbow and extends to my fingertips and a a numbing of my legs starting mid-thigh and running down through my toes. They still work and do what my brain tells them to do, but they don't feel attached, and they for sure don't feel like mine. In addition to this, whenever therapist starts to try to talk with us about these issues, I get overwhelmingly dizzy and struggle to keep my eyes open. I have this almost impossible to fight urge to just go to sleep, and it takes everything in me to fight it.... which means I actually hear and process very little of what therapist is saying. It's an incredibly effective way for parts inside to shut down communication with therapist, and I've yet to figure out any way to overcome it.

In addition, after each session lately I feel anxious, depressed, and have a great need to find a small place to curl up and just be. We find ourselves wanting to call Therapist to ask for help, but we have no idea what to even ask for or what we need. All we know is everything around us seems to feel incredibly unsafe after sessions. If I really stop and think what might make us feel a little better, it would be to stay with Therapist after sessions and let her just hold us and let us feel safe in her arms. Unfortunately, even if Therapist had the time in her schedule to do this, ethical boundaries would say I can't just stay with her for hours after our session letting her hold us like the body is still a small child. Shoot, if I'm being really honest about what we truly wish for.. We'd ask therapist if we could move in with her and be with her 24/7 until we got through the worst of this.... Being with her is the only time we feel safe right now. My rational mind knows this wouldn't be healthy for me or her, but our emotional mind longs for it.

Ugh. We're starting down a rough road that I can already tell there's no turning back from. :/

More Pockets than I Realized

I spent the afternoon going through a large tub box at my parents' house full of middle school and high school memorabilia. I'm trying to de-clutter some and this box has been on the list for awhile. Going through the tub box was fun. There were a lot of old letters and cards that were fun to read again. I found an old prayer journal and an old diary. The diary has one of those cheap locks on it, so I've still got to find something to clip the lock to read what I wrote so long ago. I have no idea where the key to the diary might be. The thing that surprised me the most was how many cards and letters I read from people who I apparently knew well at one point, but I have no recollection of them today. I guess there are more pockets in my memory that I've ever realized.

For example: There was a letter some guy named Tommy who lived a few counties over wrote to me when I was 16. In this letter he tells me he loves me. I had a few letters from him in the tub box - all sweet and caring. I have no idea who Tommy is or where I would have met him. How do I not remember a guy at all who apparently professed his love for me on multiple occasions?

I found letters from girls who appear to have been close friends at one time. I apparently impacted their lives positively, and I'm grateful for that. However, I have no idea who many of these girls are. There were also other letters from other guys who I apparently responded to frequently. You'd think after knowing I was DID for over 14 years, things like this wouldn't surprise me or catch me off guard. I guess I just never thought I really lost any time in high school. I know I lost time throughout college, but I wasn't diagnosed with DID until the summer between high school and college, and even then I don't remember ever switching as a teenager outside of my therapist's office. When I was 17, I became aware of 'conversations' going on in my head... sometimes in the form of a peanut gallery commenting on my life... other times conversations going on in my head that I wasn't even a part of. I finally got the courage to bring this up to the therapist I was seeing at the time. I don't even remember every question she asked me after that, but I know she asked me if the voices had names and strangely enough they did. Then she asked to speak to one of the voice in my head... I thought she was crazy, and even if I wanted to let her, I had no idea how. It was several sessions of us just talking about what I was experiencing in my head before I actually switched in her office. I don't remember losing time or switching before then.

Maybe there's another explanation than dissociation as to why I can't remember people who I had more than a superficial relationship with while in high school, but I can't think of one. I could explain away not remember certain events or conversations or even letters I'd written, but I don't know how to explain away not having the slightest idea of who someone was at that age in my life. Ugh...

Tightrope

I feel like I'm walking a tightrope right now. I haven't fallen yet and I'm actually still on top of everything, but it all feels precarious. One mistep, one strong wind, a random bird flying by, or any number of possible stumbling block and down, down, down I'll fall. I don't feel steady on my feet. The rope under my feet bounces and gives. I think "so far, so good" but my confidence of actually making it to the other side of the tightrope in one piece is fading.

The other side of the tightrope... That's what I have to focus on.... My goal. From gymnastics, I remember focusing on one point helps keep a person steady and balanced. It was a crucial skill to master on the balance beam if you didn't want to fall. I believe the same applies now. I have to focus on the point... on the goal.. the reason I continue to go to therapy and talk about horiffic events... the reason I work through issues that make me feel dizzy, ungrounded, and stir up self-injury impulses. I used to think that goal was complete healing. These days, I don't feel complete healing will occur this side of heaven, but I strive for all parts inside to feel safe and know their self-worth. The memories are always going to hurt. We're never going to be the person we would have been if the abuse had never occurred. But maybe, just maybe, all of us can feel safe and loved and make decisions for ourselves rather than feeling scared and alone and acting based upon old programming and conditioning.

If only it was as easy as putting one foot in front of the other across the tightrope. Unfortunately, it feels distractions that take my eyes off of my focus point are constantly being hurled in my direction. Lately it seems there are so many things that can cause me to lose my balance, and I'm constantly correcting and overcorrecting just trying not to fall. I'm learning that standing still and trying not to fall does nothing to get me to the solid ground on the other side of the rope. I've got to take forward steps and face the stumbling blocks and distractions if I ever want to get off this tightrope that seems to be suspended over ultimate doom and destruction.

To be honest, I'm not sure how to move forward without falling. Doing therapy in Therapist's office again does provide us a small safety net that didn't exist before, but for some, it feels the fall would be too fast for her to catch us and we'd break right through the net. I know we can't just stay put. Things are pressing too hard internally, but I don't have any great ideas or new techniques to try that might make this process feel safer. Some days I'm not sure I have the courage to even try to take another step towards solid ground. But what is the alternative? Staying put in the middle of this tightrope trying to hold on for dear life? No thank you.

So, next therapy session, we'll take another step along the tightrope praying for dear life that God keeps us standing and functioning.

Two Years....

Wow! I didn't realize it had been 2 years since I'd written on this blog. I've done some paper journaling and online journaling in the meantime, but I still didn't think it'd been 2 years since I posted here. I'm still working with the same therapist, but in the last 2 years I've moved 3 times, courtesey of the military. I've lived in 2 different states and just last week moved back to my home state because my husband just left for his 3rd deployment to Afghanistan. It was kind of surreal reading my last post where I was waiting for my husband to get home from his 2nd deployment.

In the last 2 years, there's been some pretty significant movement interally. We've been introduced to an entire new set of parts who hold memories that are still hard for me to believe are real because they seem so far fetched, and I have no personal recollection of anything remotely close to what they're saying ever occuring... but I guess I personally don't remember that much of our childhood, so maybe that's not the best gauge. I've had to accept that at least some level of programming was used by my abuser. I naively thought programming only occurred in ritualistic abuse situations, and therefore couldn't have happened to me. The programming stuff is still really new and therapist and I are working on how we're going to navigate this work. We've spent the past 2 years Skyping with therapist because we lived too far away to do sessions in her office. Last week was the first week we've been in her office again, and it's amazing how much more intense the sessions get when we're in the same room with her. It's like this internal governor we keep on ourselves in the rest of our life can come down when we're actually in her office because we know she'll keep us safe from ourselves as well as anyone else.... things quickly become more of a free-for-all in her office. It's good for therapy but I'm not used to it anymore.

For 18 months I was medication free, then I decided back in May to go back on Prozac. I was coping, but life was a lot harder for me than it needed to be. Going back on the Prozac didn't take away any of my struggles, but it gave me more resources to deal with those sturggles in a healthier way and not constantly feel anxious, depressed, and overwhelmed.

For 16 months my husband and I tried to start a family. We saw a dr. and did 6 cycles of fertility drugs, but God has continued to say "not yet" to our desire to start a family. We weren't able to look into any other fertility options due to my husband's deployment, so for now growing our family is on hold. This is probably good from a therapy standpoint, but the body is almost 33 and I truly desire to be a mom, so it's going to be hard to wait this year while husband is away. This topic alone could be dozens more blog entries, so for tonight it will just be an update on what's been going on.

Hoping to get back into blogging. May even start a new blog focusing more on what we've learned and the current struggles we're facing in an effort to be more real about how life is not perfect, but God is... and to talk more about how I'm living life and struggling through life. Life recently has taught me how grateful I am for people who are honest about their struggles but are still striving towards Christ and a better life. It makes it feel so much more attainable for me and helps me not put as many unrealistic expectations on myself. If something in my story can do that for someone else, then how can I not share?

This doesn't do the past 2 years justice, but it's a start.

The past week

I feel as though I've been all over the place emotionally in the past week. The anger that I discussed in my last post subsided and was replaced with state of alternating between desperation for help and feeling resigned to just be. I felt incredibly alone over the weekend dealing with some new and painful memories that I couldn't share b/c other parts were so adamant that we could not share the information. Parts were threatening self-injury and death if we told. Now, that may not have happened, but I've learned over the years not to take those threats lightly. I've never been in a place of truly wanting to share the pain I was in and feeling "bullied" into not being able to. Other parts were in that place while the abuse was occurring, but I didn't have that specific experience. I've not shared things in the past by my choice, but never b/c someone else wouldn't let me.

Monday's therapy session broke through a lot of barriers and diffused some parts who were threatening self-harm. I gotta admit. I don't think therapist knew exactly what she was doing, but she did some great work helping parts do a 180 in thinking really quickly. I actually think this is part of what makes her an awesome therapist. She does great work even when she's not fully sure what to do to help me. :) By the time we left her office Monday, safety was no longer an issue and we were able to share the information we'd been dying to share but were too afraid to share.

Over the next couple of days, my rational mind thought this was great. In some aspects I had more of my life back. My emotional mind was still a wreck. There's a lot of new pain setting in regarding the new information that was shared and the shifting taking place inside. Safety is not an issue but some of the pain still feels overwhelming. Several younger parts who are in a lot of pain noticed that we didn't talk to therapist as much and she didn't check in on us between sessions once safety wasn't a concern. This a+b=c thinking led parts to think that the only way to get the attention that they felt we needed was to threaten to or actually self-injure. We spent the next 48 hours arguing with ourselves about how self-injury does not actually equate to safety just b/c people pay more attention to us. We got to talk to therapist about this yesterday, and it was helpful. It didn't "fix" everything, but she helped put parts minds at ease that she doesn't forget about them or not care about them during the times we're not speaking to her - it's not an out of sight, out of mind situation.

Today I feel blah. Not having any self-injury impulses, thankfully. But I want to cry and I think I'd be very content to just lie on my couch all day. On top of all of this therapy stuff, I've had a lot of strong emotions regarding my husband. See, he's on his way home from his 2nd deployment to Afghanistan. He started his trip home Sunday and we thought he'd be home yesterday, but there have been delays, and as of yesterday he was still in Afghanistan. I haven't talked to him in almost 24 hours, so I'm praying he's somewhere in route home now, but I really have no idea. I'm so ready for him to be home, and the emotional drain of thinking he's on his way, then he's not, then he is, then he's not, and now I don't know is almost more than I can handle on top of all of the other emotionally draining situations.

I haven't blogged in several days b/c I don't feel I've been able to articulate what I really feel or want to say. I'm still not sure I succeeded to day. I'm really just hoping this entry makes sense at this time.

Fighting

I feel like fighting... I don't care who. I don't care how. My frustration and anger levels are running so high today that I just want to fight. Luckily I am still grounded enough to know that nothing good would come from fighting. I've holed up in my house today and am avoiding basically everyone. I don't trust myself to not lash out hurtfully at people I don't really want to hurt.

Anger is just boiling under the surface and refusing to take it out on myself has me now wishing to express it externally. I got ready to go for a run thinking I could wear myself out. Usually exercise is a great outlet for me. Today, however, I feel utterly exhausted despite the emotional energy under the surface. My body didn't want to cooperate, and the run didn't happen. Part of my low energy yesterday and today may be due to adjusting my diet. My doctor suggested I cut out dairy b/c of some digestive issues to see if that helps. Dairy has always been a huge source of protein, calcium, and energy for me, so this is a challenge. It's only day 2, so I'm not good at finding alternates yet. It's a work in progress that will improve, but I'm probably failing at getting all of the nutrients I need right now.

I've tried busying myself with housework, and I've watched a movie. These things are keeping me busy but nothing has help. I spent some time in prayer and tried to work on a Bible study. The Bible study doesn't seem to be happening either. Satan leave me alone!!!

Gripe, gripe, gripe... Whine, whine, whine... Pity party. I'm so over myself. Can I get a break from me?

Balancing Life and Therapy: Part II

This is the second part of the last post. I broke it into two parts b/c I was afraid it was getting too long.

Continuing...

In the winter of 2008, I hit rock bottom. Everything I had tried to rescue my life and my future seemed to fail. I'd spent 10 years in therapy, 3 years totally devoted to therapy, and I was still in and out of hospitals and no more closer having the life I wanted than when I started.

I have to give credit to the changes that took place in the winter/spring of 2008 to God. Sure, I worked my tail off, but the changes for me happened when I quit trying how to figure out how to make things better myself and I turned the 'how' over to Him. In the past 3 years, I've manged to make some good progress in therapy and do things I never thought possible in my life. I got a full-time job and did great there. I met an amazing man, fell in love, got married, and am actually in a healthy relationship. I went back to school and got a 2nd graduate degree and enjoyed going to school.

I've needed to deal with some more serious therapeutic work the past few months as new events in life have awakened new triggers, memories, feelings, etc. I so wanted to be done with the space in my life where my past makes my present difficult. I wanted to get back into the train of thought that you can knock out this type of therapy and then just go on with your life like nothing ever happened for the rest of your life. What I am learning is that I now believe this type of therapy may be a life long work. Different phases in life will present with new blessing and new challenges and new triggers. If I fully wait to live my life until I get everything fixed, I'll be dead from old age before I can start living. On the flip side, I've learned the hard way how things just continue and continue to deteriorate if I try to just live life and not take my past and perceptions into account in my present day life.

The past couple of weeks I've been thinking back over the last almost 13 years of therapy and life.... I believe I've learned that there are times in my life when I will need to slow down, cut back, be more internally focused. However, this does not mean for years on end. At other times, my past won't be as pervasive in my present. In these life periods, it's great for me to do the things I want to do and desire to do with my life. I can do both life and therapy as long as I'm smart about it and recognize the signs.

The reason getting married and going back to school went so well and are not considered distractions from dealing with my past are b/c I wasn't running from anything at that time. It was a great time in life for these experiences. I'm even more fully aware of this because of the challenges and struggles I'm facing right now. Going to school right now or starting a family with my husband right now would be distractions to not have to work through the painful issues that have recently presented in therapy. It doesn't mean I will never have a family or get my PhD. It means not now, and I'm learning that listening to my body and to God on when to focus on what means a healthier life for me all the way around.

At times I feel I can't catch up in life for getting behind. My younger (and only) sister is pregnant. I'm thrilled for her, but I sometimes get hit with waves of jealousy. I'm 3 1/2 years older than her. I was supposed to get married first, have the first grandchild, etc. All of my friends are having their 2nd kids, are established in their careers... doing all of the 'normal' life stuff.

In these moments, I have to take a step back. I have to remember that the only timetable I have to be on is my own.. not society's. I'm getting better and better about learning to actually live my life and not survive it. It may not look how I thought my life would look at 30, but it is way better than I really dreamt it would be. My life is good. There are so major internal struggles right now. Lately, the days have felt almost impossible. Yet, I know this is a season and in the right time, my husband and I will enjoy a family, and I can have the job I've always wanted, and fulfill any other dreams I have in my life. For now, I need to focus on the current therapeutic issues enough to get back to a place where my current, external life holds more meaning again.

I know these last two posts have been long, but I guess I've just been thinking that if I've needed to hear this message so much lately, maybe others out there have too. So my big take away from all that I've written is: It is possible to have the life you want and to do the therapeutic work you may need throughout your life. They don't have to be mutually exclusive. You'll just have to learn the balance that works for you.

Balancing Life and Therapy: Background

When I first started therapy, I thought it was something I would do, work through, and then move on with my life. I started therapy over Christmas break my senior year of high school. I thought I would go to therapy for the 8 months before I moved away to college and then I'd move on with my life. Little did I know I would only scratch the surface during that time...

For lots of issues, 8 months is plenty of time. For child abuse and PTSD issues, I'm not sure there is a finite period of time. I did leave for college on time, and for undergraduate school, I managed both school/life and therapy pretty well. Sometimes school took precedence and sometimes therapy. Luckily school work came easy for me, so I could still pull good grades even during times when I didn't have the energy or mental capacity to do school as usual. I thought for sure that I'd be finished with therapy before or by the time I graduated college - that was 4 whole years after all!

Unfortunately, while I was definitely making progress in therapy, things were beginning to unravel in the same way that cleaning out a closet makes a huge mess before it's all put back together nicely and neatly. I chose to stay at my university and start a graduate degree b/c I would be able to continue to see the same therapist I'd been working with for the past 18 months, and I didn't know what else to do with myself. A dear friend, suggested that I was using school as a distraction from dealing with real stuff, and I should take a break from school and focus on healing. I'm not sure I agree with her in regards to my first semester of grad school, but she was completely right for the rest of my master's degree program. At the beginning of my 2nd semester of grad school, the therapist I'd been working with for 2 years terminated with me b/c she didn't believe she could help me enough. She referred me to a therapist who was an hour away who claimed to be an 'expert' in child abuse and DID. The new lady was a quack! And my world spun out of control. I buried myself into my school work. It was a total distraction, but in some ways it was my saving grace b/c it's all I had to focus on outside of the abuse and flashbacks.

After my second psych hospital stay in a 4 month period, it probably would have been smart for me to take a break from school and get stable again. However, I was stubborn, and I pushed on. I was young, and stubborn, and so angry! I was mad that my life was in some ways being controlled by abuse from so long ago and everything felt like it was falling apart. My way of retaliating was to tell myself that my past wasn't going to run my life and I pushed forward as if nothing was wrong and I wasn't affected at all. I did manage to graduate on time and with a 4.0, but the week after graduation, I was admitted to a psych unit where I stayed for 2 months.

Upon coming home, I got a full-time, high stress job in my field. Again, I wanted to prove that I could live a 'normal' life and not be controlled by my past. 3 months later I was inpatient again for another 6 weeks. After this stay, I went the opposite direction, totally putting my life, dreams, and everything but therapy on hold. I did manage to stay outpatient for a year, but I think that's more b/c I was out of hospital days than b/c I was doing well. I was miserable during this time period too. All of my hopes and dreams for my life and future were all but crushed, and I had pretty much been convinced by treatment teams and doctors that I should just apply for disability - that my life would never be better or anything near 'normal'. I spent 2 years in this space... giving up on life and mostly being ruled by my past and internal world.

By the beginning of 2008 (10 years after starting therapy), I'd survived (it wasn't really living) both extremes. I did life and tried to mostly ignore therapy and my past. I did therapy and embraced my past while not participating much in my current life and external world. I've heard theories on why either of these approaches may be good or better than the other, but in my experience, neither are a place to be long term. Sure, at times in our life, the past is going to be stronger, more influential, and require more time, and current life will sometimes require more attention and energy that therapeutic healing. I think this healing and growing and adjusting perspectives may be a lifelong journey; So, I want to balance this therapetuic work with living a real life in the present right now.

My new goal has been learning this balance. And that leads me to part II of this post.

I'd Like to Forget Today

Today has pretty much sucked. Well, I can't say the whole day has been bad, but the bad things from today have definitely outweighed the good.

Last night I dreamt I was raped twice by a male friend that I actually truly trust. We've been friends for 12 years, and he's married to one of my best friends. He's more of a big brother to me, and has never been anything but gracious to me. Why in the heck would I have this dream??? And why am I dreaming about being hurt as an adult by one of the few people in my life I really do trust? Nothing in this realm has happened to me since this body grew up, and the man in my dream has never been remotely inappropriate towards me. So why?????? And why does it have to be one of those dreams I can't shake no matter how hard I try? Randomly I briefly spoke to my friend (the wife of the man in my nightmare last night) on the phone tonight, and I felt so awkward. I felt ashamed and like I had something to hide or owed her an apology. grrr...

Then I found out this afternoon that my grandmother has cancer again and we know for sure it's in her liver. She has to have more tests to find out if it's anywhere else as well, but it doesn't look good. She's had cancer before and has said she won't do chemo again. So I wonder, did my grandmother basically just get her death sentence today? Obviously finding out she has cancer today, doesn't change how fast or slow the cancer has been growing, but it's been nice living in denial this past week, letting myself think she had gallbladder issues.

I hope I get tired soon. I just want today to be over. Maybe if I sleep well tonight, I can have a better perspective on things tomorrow. Right now it just feels like everything sucks.... even though I know this is not true.... this is still how I feel.

Blah.

Emotional Blockade

I realize I haven't blogged in about a month. That wasn't my intention. Therapist has suggested that I make more effort to journal with a paper and pen (like I used to do faithfully). It seems I am more free flowing in my writing when it's in a journal versus on my blog. I guess whether I mean to or not, I do censor myself in this type of forum. Anonymity just doesn't equate total secrecy (meaning no one sees what I write unless I choose to share it with therapist). I'm not planning to abandon my blog. I'm just learning that keeping up a journal and a blog isn't so easy for me, so posts my be sporadic until I get a better hang of things.

So lately I've noticed that I'm rather emotionally blunted. I'm crying less than usual (for me), and I've not had strong emotions towards things that should have evoked strong emotions in me. Granted, I may still be more emotional than many people out there, but it is much, much less for me. In some ways I'm feeling sort of numb, but I'm not really sure why.

A couple of examples:

1. Last weekend I walked the Overnight walk in NYC with Tempy and her brother. It was a walk to raise money for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They work to provide resources for those feeling suicidal and to family members who have lost someone to suicide. It was 18 miles of walking that left me exhausted and sore. I'm pretty sure all 2000 walk participants had lost someone to suicide or had struggled with it themselves. The emotional energy that night was high. I could feel it all around me. Other than a few tears during an emotional speech by a participant at the beginning, I mostly felt nothing the entire evening. In fact, what I felt most was the blisters that formed on my feet about 9 miles into the walk... physical pain - of course. I mean, it is way easier to deal with than emotional pain. I hated that I couldn't be in the moment more for Tempy. After all, we met b/c a mutual friend of ours committed suicide in 2004. I've lost another friend, a cousin, and struggled myself with suicide, yet I couldn't tap into any of those feelings. I wanted to be in the moment that night. Instead, I could have easily been walking 18 miles to say "I love dogs." I believe so much in the Overnight Walk, and it's so frustrating to not have been able to be emotionally present during the event for myself and for Tempy.

2. My grandmother is in the hospital. She admitted to me yesterday that she's been feeling bad for several weeks, but she hadn't said anything prior to our trip to the beach b/c she wanted to make sure she got to go on the vacation. She's afraid it may be her last, and she didn't want to miss it. I got a text from my mother this morning saying that my grandmother was in the E.R. and they were running tests. I don't know anything past this, but she's already beat cancer once, so I don't know how lightly we can take illnesses these days. Normally, I would be so concerned and tearful. Instead, while I am concerned, I'm feeling nothing. I've spent the majority of the day hanging out with friends, laughing, carrying on as normal.

I have therapy tomorrow for the first time in 2 weeks (courtesy of all of my travels). I plan to discuss this situation with her tomorrow. I'm not sure why I am so disconnected, but I know I totally am. On the other hand, numbing doesn't feel terrible at all. I like my emotions not really getting in the way. However, I am realizing that it leaves me not always responding correctly in certain situations b/c I don't have an emotional guide.

I'm not trying to figure this out now. it just seemed important to note what's going on.

5 Year Anniversary!!

5 years ago today I walked into therapist's office for the very first time feeling discouraged, defeated, but not completely without fight. I didn't really believe therapist could help me, but I knew finding a therapist was my only hope at survival at the time. If I couldn't find a therapist, I truly felt that my symptoms would kill me... and in all honesty, there's a very good chance they would have.

Therapist has been amazing from the beginning. She hasn't always been an expert on DID, but she read and learned and talked to people who had worked with DID and trauma longer. She grew professionally as I grew to trust her. In the beginning I was convinced that she was too naive to know that I would be too much for her, and it would only be a matter of time before she came to that realization herself. No other therapist had been able to stick it out with me, and I knew I hadn't even hit the worst of it yet. PRAISE GOD SHE PROVED ME WRONG!!!!! She has walked through more fires with me than all of my other therapists combined and never once hinted about needing to refer me on to someone else. She never once suggested that maybe she couldn't help me... even on days that neither one of us were quite sure what the best move would be. This commitment on her end was what I needed more than anything. Truly knowing that she was walking this road with me no matter how many road blocks, dead ends, and mountains we hit. See, we finally have this person in our life who knows our deepest, darkest secrets, who has put up with tests, games, and gazillions of questions trying to push her away before we got too attached, and still cares about us and even likes us! My brain says this shouldn't be possible for me, but she's proved it year after year after year.

Today we celebrated 5 years with cupcakes and milk! Every now and then it's nice to take a session to reflect on the journey we've been on together. Today I walked into her office, sat in my spot on the couch, and embraced the safety and comfort that her office has come to provide.... so different than our first meeting 5 years ago. I asked her why she returned my initial call and agreed to meet with me regularly when so many other therapists never returned my calls, refused to meet me b/c of my diagnoses, or bailed after a few sessions. Her response: "You sounded like you really wanted and needed the help." This is my paraphrase of her words, but I was amazed that her response was that simple. I needed help, so she wanted to help. I'm sure her decision making process was more complex than that, but bottom line is that she didn't see my desperate cries for help as a turn off. She wasn't afraid of my diagnoses. And she was up for an awesome challenge, that I truly believe has benefited both of us over the past 5 years.

Therapist is a true gift from God. I pray that every one in therapy can have such an amazing therapist. For those of you who are having trouble finding a good one, DON'T GIVE UP!!! Good therapists are hard to find, but it is so worth the effort and the search. We've seen infinite more healing in the past 5 years than we did during the years prior to that. I know we've done the work, but I know there is no way we could have done it without therapist's support and help.

So... Happy 5 years together Therapist!!!!! Thank you for believing in me... in all of us...

Still Plugging Along

Just wanted to say that I'm still plugging along. Had 2 therapy sessions this week. Both were intense but both were helpful. It's good to be informed and to be getting information from parts again, but there's a lot to digest too.

Yesterday I confessed my fear to my therapist of one day disappearing and not being forward and running my life as our healing process continues. I fear that as healing takes place, if we get closer to the core and as she heals, that she will take back over, and I won't be 'needed' anymore. I feel more than ever like I'm doing a 'job' instead of 'living my life'. I know this life is all of ours, but because I've been the one forward 99% of the time for as long as I can remember, it has felt like mine that I'm sharing with others. Now it kinda feels like I'm running this life for someone else and that I'll have to give it up at some point. Therapist says I'm jumping the gun. The core may never want to be forward, and we have tons of work to do before we even consider that. She also tried to reassure me that this life is still as much mine now as it was before I had this current information. I think my head agrees with this, but my heart is struggling to catch up.

Two of my best and dearest friends are coming into town this weekend. I am sooooooooo excited!!!!!!! These ladies understand me better than anyone in the world, and we're just gonna hang out, catch up, laugh a lot, cry if we need to, probably eat some yummy food, and whatever else we feel like doing all weekend. I think it's a much needed fun spot for all of us right now, but I feel so blessed that they're both hopping on planes and coming to me!

Despite all of my current internal struggles, I feel I am so blessed. As I type this, I'm sitting in my grandmother's hospital room. She's been sick off and on since November. Right now she's working to recover from double pneumonia. She's sleeping and my grandfather is in another chair in the room asleep too. They're snoring in unison, and I can't help but smile. I don't know how much longer I'll be blessed to have them in my life, so these little moments are sweet (even if they do take place in a hospital). They have taught me so much about love, family, and faith. The lessons they've taught me and passed on to my dad that he showed me, I know for sure have been a major factor into why so much of my life is "healthy and normal" despite all of the years of childhood abuse (by a neighbor) and the PTSD, DID, Major Depression, and any other diagnoses doctors may have labeled me with. I just pray that I do them justice passing on this love and these lessons to my own family one day. I want them to be as proud of me as I am to tell people that I'm their granddaughter.

Bittersweet moments all intermingled. I guess that does make my life pretty normal after all. :)

Update

So, I've wanted to blog since Wednesday, but time and my mental state haven't allowed for it. I feel I should tell you up front that emotions may not be conveyed strongly in this post because I am feeling rather removed from all events at the moment, but I assure you they are there, and I fully expect them to be addressed in therapy on Monday. For now, numbing and distancing seem to be working well for coping skills, and since I'm spending the weekend with a TON of family, I'm not objecting. It's not the best time to have any sort of an emotional breakdown. Too many people, and I'd have to do too much explaining. A loving family is FANTASTIC! I wouldn't trade it for anything, but a downfall is the fact that everyone cares about you so much that tears require more of an explanation than they might in another setting.

So, this past Wednesday sort of felt like our most recent D-Day. We had a 2 hour session scheduled with therapist so we could hopefully get through some walls and figure out what was going on internally over the past month that caused parts to feel the need to put up a stone wall cutting off all communication. Our session turned into a 2.5 hour session, and while we gained a ton of information, it was incredibly draining. I got home around 1 in the afternoon and slept til almost 6pm... just trying to recover.

Brief rundown of what I learned:
1. There really is a core inside, and I am not it. I've known deep down for a very long time that I was not the core, but I always still hoped I was. I have the birth name and I've managed all of our external relationships for the past 20 years. This life is mostly the one I've built for us. So, while I've always known I was not the one who was "born", I guess I always hoped I was b/c it made my identity easier to establish. While this doesn't necessarily change anything in the way I live my life now, it has led me to do some identity questioning, and there's a lot of sadness I'm not tapping into right now over this. I figure this is pretty normal for anyone who's been in my situation though, so while it's not fun, I'm not too worried about it.

2. I met a new part who calls herself the Gatekeeper (really hoping she'll pick a normal name soon). Apparently it has been her job all of these years to keep the core safe from any more hurt or damage. This girl is tough. She's not letting anyone through. She's the one who put up the wall in the first place b/c she decided A. had been talking too much to therapist and was sharing too much information. I guess the rationale is that the more information is shared, the closer therapist will get to the core, and that is not acceptable to the Gatekeeper.

So, obviously there was more leading up to that, but that's the gist of what went down on Wednesday. We ended with therapist promising not to actively push to reach the core and the Gatekeeper agreeing to not immediately put the wall back up. So, my head feels more "normal" again, but it's still reeling from more new stuff than I know how to process yet.. hence the numbness.

For me, the scariest part right now is remembering how strong A. was before therapist broke through to her. If A. was the first line of defense before the Gatekeeper, it is scary how much energy and power this part may have and may use if she feels threatened.

Guess all I can do for right now though is try and enjoy my Easter weekend, and bring all of my thoughts and concerns to therapist on Monday. It's scarier than I care to experience, but I am relieved to finally know what's going on inside.

So, anyways, there's my update from the past week.

Words

I need words that I don't have.

I am having intense, almost overwhelming feelings, yet I have no idea how to express them. Therapist just asked me if I wanted/needed to talk. I turned her down, because I have no idea what to say. I would LOVE to talk to her, but that's just the problem, I don't have the words. Sitting on the phone with her, just sitting there doesn't really help her know better how to help me.

The only words I have found are that I am struck with an intense anxiety. The kind that has your stomach doing flips constantly. In the past, I would have easily popped an Ativan or a Xanax by now. I don't have a Rx for either one of those anymore, and as much as I'd like the help, I'm glad. I worked so hard to get off those meds, and I haven't needed them in so long. I DO NOT want to go back on them. I gotta find another way to stick this out. The anxiety has been waxing and waning for the past few weeks, but on Thursday morning it hit, and hasn't left.

I haven't let the anxiety stop me from doing anything. Although, I will admit all that I want to do is curl up under a blanket and hide from the world. I'm still making myself get out and do things. I'm not giving into this, but it's getting harder.

The most frustrating part is that I have no idea who internally or what is causing this intense anxiety. It's hard to work on making it better when no one will tell you what the issue is. Having intense feelings and having no idea why you're having them is the worst! It makes me feel so stuck.

So yeah, I can vocalize this part, but this is all the words I have. So, as much as I would love to talk to Therapist right now, I'm not sure there's anything she can do. Plus, it's Saturday. No reason to tie her up sitting on the phone with me. She should at least get to enjoy her day, right?

I've been praying for God to take this away, but He hasn't yet. I do trust that His plan is bigger than mine, but this is still oh so hard! So, all I know to do in the meantime is just to sit with it.

Man this sucks!

A little shakey

Can't place my finger on what's going on inside of me, but I know I'm feeling a little shaky. It's almost like being on an emotional roller coaster ride again, but it's not quite as intense and it seems to be affecting me more than just emotionally.

One minute I am doing well. Another I am in tears. And another I'm almost literally shaking and questioning myself on everything. And then I'll get back to a place where everything feels like it's going pretty well and I'm doing pretty good again. The rapid changes and unpredictability are getting old quickly. I'm just feeling unstable even though I don't know exactly why and it's hard to explain.

I know there's some stuff going on inside that's creating an undercurrent of these feelings, but I believe the intensity is rising. Today in therapy I was talking to therapist, and she asked me a few different times how I really was doing. I kept saying okay b/c at the time I felt a lot better than I did when we talked on Monday and b/c I don't even have the words to explain well what I feel and what's going on. I did wonder why therapist kept asking me. I'm not used to her doing that. I guess b/c I usually fear that if I don't find a way to come right out and tell her everything I'm thinking and feeling, then she'll never know anything is going on. On some level I'm sure this is very true. However, I guess, working together for the past 5 years gives her a window into me than many others can't see. She could tell from my eyes today that there was more stuff going on than what I was sharing, and she actually put words to some of it better than I'd been able to.

I am so glad to know that I don't have to do any of this alone. I have a therapist right there to help me through this, and I have a loving God who is with me 24/7 reminding me that even when I feel utterly unstable, He is forever stable and I rest in His arms. That's a hope and peace I plan to do my best to cling to during a time period when I feel very unstable.

A Great Therapist Makes All of the Difference

So... nothing's any better than yesterday. Nothing internally or externally has really changed. In fact, today was a pretty crappy day all the way around.

Late afternoon I had an appointment with therapist. I was hesitant to tell her some of the things bothering me because the issues aren't really related to any of the reasons that brought me to therapy and aren't any topics therapist and I have ever talked about before. Mostly b/c in order for us to have a real conversation about them, I feared it would ask therapist to share more personal beliefs and or experiences that would be appropriate for me to ask her to share.

By the time we talked, I was so desperate to talk to someone who has never made me feel judged that I opened up to her despite fear that she wouldn't understand or that her personal beliefs might greatly conflict with mine.

She was amazing. I shared everything I felt I needed to without worrying whether my thoughts were right or wrong. She helped me think through a lot of it never telling me I was right or wrong and in a way that was supportive without revealing much of anything about herself or her personal beliefs. I've always had a tremendous amount of respect for therapist, but today brought a new level of respect. This was an area of my life that I knew therapist respected as incredibly important to me, but I wasn't sure it was an area we could discuss in a dialogue format. I'm soo happy to know that it is because therapist rocks!! It feels so amazing to know that there really is no area of my life that I cannot discuss with her. Everyone needs at least one person in their life like that.... Even if you don't tell that person everything, just knowing that you can brings an immense level of peace and security... which as a trauma survivor, are two very important and helpful feelings to have.

It still amazes me how one conversation can change my thinking from an impossible situation to one that feels do-able even when nothing in my life has changed. I don't understand it, but I am so blessed and I feel so thankful for it!

Feeling Alone in a Sea of People who Care

Looking at my life it makes no sense. I am so loved by family, friends (near and far), and by a God greater than I can even comprehend. I have a therapist that has never failed me and will never abandon me as long as she has say so. I have an amazing husband who goes out of his way to show his love for me even while he is in a war zone on the other side of the world. Yet here I sit.... feeling so alone. It's a feeling that has been growing over the past couple of weeks. I can tell you the things that are making me feel more lonely than usual. Maybe it would be helpful to put it all out there. However I'm feeling a little gun shy from even my anonymous blog right now. See, I tried to talk to my mother today, and I tried to talk to a dear friend who I've known since I was 6. Both conversations were failures. Mom didn't seem to understand why things were so upsetting, and my friend didn't see the importance of making the time for me and ended our conversation a bit abruptly while I was mid-sentence. Another part of it could be that I still need to work on choosing better words to express what I'm trying to share. I know that is lacking, but today was the first time I've tried to vocalize any of this.

I just want to talk to someone and share my struggles and not feel judged... No one flat out condemned me today, but I feel like sharing my true feelings wasn't okay either. I was being corrected... asked why I was feeling that way... told how to make things better... And as much as I'd even like to vaguely address the issues weighing heavy on my heart, at this point I'm wondering if I am making a big deal out of nothing... I've considered myself a huge proponent recently about the importance of not keeping things inside and to oneself. When it's inside of you and no one else knows about it, satan can grab hold and pull you down with those issues. There's no one who is able to help you reality check and see things in true light. But what do you do when you feel shot down and invalidated when you finally share? Even if the comments family and friends made turn out to be truths, how do I get the guts to keep talking about things to be able to process things? When you feel shot down by the people you trust the most, who do you turn to? And what about when there are other people that you trust and you know love you that may have compassion but you feel aren't in a space or don't know enough to be able really talk things out with you? I want someone to talk this stuff out with me. I don't want someone to just listen.

My mind is telling my feelings that God hears. God understands. God will deliver. I do believe this. I truly do. But oh how I'd love someone who I can touch, hear, smell, see, etc. to be available to talk with me and not judge me. So tonight, despite knowing I am loved and cared for, I feel utterly alone, and I'm scared to reach out again.

Flashbacks from Dealing with Pain/Intense Emotions

About a week ago Tempy, from Crackers & Juiceboxes posted a blog entry about how being suicidal (whether you ever attempt or not) is in itself a traumatic event that can continue to haunt you even after you are no longer suicidal. Click here to ready Tempy's post. The truth of this realization and concept really resonated with me. Being someone who was chronically suicidal for close to 5 years and who prayed for death years before that, I am filled with intense anxiety any time I have feelings that are remotely similar to those I felt when suicidal.

Yesterday, I spent a lot of my session with therapist talking about something I've recently realized and how it's proving to be a challenge to me in my current life. My realization: feelings feel the same no matter what the situation. Sadness feels like sadness no matter what the situation that caused the sadness. Excitement, anxiety, fear, happiness, anger - they always feel the same even if the situations evoking the feelings are as different as night and day. For example: Anxiety about starting a new job resonates the same way in me that anxiety surrounding a memory or flashback does.

As a result, days that I am sad or depressed due to (sometimes normal) present day issues, can lead to panic attacks and irrational fears if not cognitively challenged because the association of these feelings with the low, scary, nearly impossible place I was in 3 years ago is sooooooooooo strong. Because these feelings were associated with me just trying to stay alive for so long, the association is automatic. I have to consciously make myself separate them out. I have to constantly remind myself that a bad day today does not mean I am automatically headed into another 5 year stint of being chronically suicidal. Panic tends to set in quickly when sadness, anxiety, or depression are strong b/c there is a HUGE fear of returning to the place that we were. My initial reaction is to think I'd rather die than go back there again. I'd like to differentiate that I am not suicidal when I have these thoughts, but more it just shows how huge our aversion of living like that again is. In these moments, it's almost as if I'm having flashbacks and some PTSD around my adult years of trying to work through my past and surviving my present.

Last evening I had the honor of talking to a friend of mine who has lived through things that I can't even imagine. Our lives are so different, but oddly we always seem to be in the same general spot in healing. I do believe her feelings and struggles are more intense than mine b/c she lived through more years of abuse and more intense abuse. I don't say this to downplay what happened to me, but more to validate her struggles. Sometimes I believe she feels like a failure in her fight b/c she compares her functioning to that of other abuse survivors who just didn't live through the same intensity and severity of abuse that she endured. Last night my friend was very panicked and she was having trouble being grounded. It was hard for her to form her thoughts, but the more she was able to share what she was feeling and thinking, the more it felt like she was living what I'd just been talking to therapist about an hour earlier. Most of her sentiments revolved around saying that she couldn't go back to that life of being chronically suicidal... of day in day out struggles to just breathe. She had experienced some rough feelings and memories recently (she's going through more tough therapeutic work). I am not an expert, but it appeared to me that the depression, anxiety, sadness, etc. that she was feeling seemed to be panicking her more out of a fear of returning to the place she used to be than b/c the present feelings were too overwhelming. It appeared as if she was in a flashback from 2 years ago when she was barely alive more so than that she was in a flashback from her childhood.

Speaking to her last night validated my belief that surviving memories, feelings, and therapy as an adult can have traumatic implications that may often times get overlooked b/c even clients don't give their struggles as an adult enough credence. Please hear me. THE PREVIOUS STATEMENT IS NOT BASHING THERAPY. I would have been dealing with all of this whether I was in therapy or not. Therapy and the care, concern, and respect of my counselor is what kept me alive. I merely am just trying to share my realization that the intensity of what one may feel as an adult when having to deal with childhood abuse can be traumatic in and of itself. This realization has actually helped me combat some present day panic attacks b/c I can reality test and call my feelings what they truly are - not a backslide, but a fear of backsliding into that hell hole of a living space. It's for sure not a magic cure, and it doesn't work every time, but many times it can help to keep feelings manageable and not overwhelming.

I guess calling a spade, a spade truly does have it's benefits.