A Put Together Mess

The past week

2011-07-14T11:33:00.003-05:00

I feel as though I've been all over the place emotionally in the past week. The anger that I discussed in my last post subsided and was replaced with state of alternating between desperation for help and feeling resigned to just be. I felt incredibly alone over the weekend dealing with some new and painful memories that I couldn't share b/c other parts were so adamant that we could not share the information. Parts were threatening self-injury and death if we told. Now, that may not have happened, but I've learned over the years not to take those threats lightly. I've never been in a place of truly wanting to share the pain I was in and feeling "bullied" into not being able to. Other parts were in that place while the abuse was occurring, but I didn't have that specific experience. I've not shared things in the past by my choice, but never b/c someone else wouldn't let me.

Monday's therapy session broke through a lot of barriers and diffused some parts who were threatening self-harm. I gotta admit. I don't think therapist knew exactly what she was doing, but she did some great work helping parts do a 180 in thinking really quickly. I actually think this is part of what makes her an awesome therapist. She does great work even when she's not fully sure what to do to help me. :) By the time we left her office Monday, safety was no longer an issue and we were able to share the information we'd been dying to share but were too afraid to share.

Over the next couple of days, my rational mind thought this was great. In some aspects I had more of my life back. My emotional mind was still a wreck. There's a lot of new pain setting in regarding the new information that was shared and the shifting taking place inside. Safety is not an issue but some of the pain still feels overwhelming. Several younger parts who are in a lot of pain noticed that we didn't talk to therapist as much and she didn't check in on us between sessions once safety wasn't a concern. This a+b=c thinking led parts to think that the only way to get the attention that they felt we needed was to threaten to or actually self-injure. We spent the next 48 hours arguing with ourselves about how self-injury does not actually equate to safety just b/c people pay more attention to us. We got to talk to therapist about this yesterday, and it was helpful. It didn't "fix" everything, but she helped put parts minds at ease that she doesn't forget about them or not care about them during the times we're not speaking to her - it's not an out of sight, out of mind situation.

Today I feel blah. Not having any self-injury impulses, thankfully. But I want to cry and I think I'd be very content to just lie on my couch all day. On top of all of this therapy stuff, I've had a lot of strong emotions regarding my husband. See, he's on his way home from his 2nd deployment to Afghanistan. He started his trip home Sunday and we thought he'd be home yesterday, but there have been delays, and as of yesterday he was still in Afghanistan. I haven't talked to him in almost 24 hours, so I'm praying he's somewhere in route home now, but I really have no idea. I'm so ready for him to be home, and the emotional drain of thinking he's on his way, then he's not, then he is, then he's not, and now I don't know is almost more than I can handle on top of all of the other emotionally draining situations.

I haven't blogged in several days b/c I don't feel I've been able to articulate what I really feel or want to say. I'm still not sure I succeeded to day. I'm really just hoping this entry makes sense at this time.

Fighting

2011-07-08T15:26:00.002-05:00

I feel like fighting... I don't care who. I don't care how. My frustration and anger levels are running so high today that I just want to fight. Luckily I am still grounded enough to know that nothing good would come from fighting. I've holed up in my house today and am avoiding basically everyone. I don't trust myself to not lash out hurtfully at people I don't really want to hurt.

Anger is just boiling under the surface and refusing to take it out on myself has me now wishing to express it externally. I got ready to go for a run thinking I could wear myself out. Usually exercise is a great outlet for me. Today, however, I feel utterly exhausted despite the emotional energy under the surface. My body didn't want to cooperate, and the run didn't happen. Part of my low energy yesterday and today may be due to adjusting my diet. My doctor suggested I cut out dairy b/c of some digestive issues to see if that helps. Dairy has always been a huge source of protein, calcium, and energy for me, so this is a challenge. It's only day 2, so I'm not good at finding alternates yet. It's a work in progress that will improve, but I'm probably failing at getting all of the nutrients I need right now.

I've tried busying myself with housework, and I've watched a movie. These things are keeping me busy but nothing has help. I spent some time in prayer and tried to work on a Bible study. The Bible study doesn't seem to be happening either. Satan leave me alone!!!

Gripe, gripe, gripe... Whine, whine, whine... Pity party. I'm so over myself. Can I get a break from me?

Balancing Life and Therapy: Part II

2011-07-07T22:50:00.004-05:00

This is the second part of the last post. I broke it into two parts b/c I was afraid it was getting too long.

Continuing...

In the winter of 2008, I hit rock bottom. Everything I had tried to rescue my life and my future seemed to fail. I'd spent 10 years in therapy, 3 years totally devoted to therapy, and I was still in and out of hospitals and no more closer having the life I wanted than when I started.

I have to give credit to the changes that took place in the winter/spring of 2008 to God. Sure, I worked my tail off, but the changes for me happened when I quit trying how to figure out how to make things better myself and I turned the 'how' over to Him. In the past 3 years, I've manged to make some good progress in therapy and do things I never thought possible in my life. I got a full-time job and did great there. I met an amazing man, fell in love, got married, and am actually in a healthy relationship. I went back to school and got a 2nd graduate degree and enjoyed going to school.

I've needed to deal with some more serious therapeutic work the past few months as new events in life have awakened new triggers, memories, feelings, etc. I so wanted to be done with the space in my life where my past makes my present difficult. I wanted to get back into the train of thought that you can knock out this type of therapy and then just go on with your life like nothing ever happened for the rest of your life. What I am learning is that I now believe this type of therapy may be a life long work. Different phases in life will present with new blessing and new challenges and new triggers. If I fully wait to live my life until I get everything fixed, I'll be dead from old age before I can start living. On the flip side, I've learned the hard way how things just continue and continue to deteriorate if I try to just live life and not take my past and perceptions into account in my present day life.

The past couple of weeks I've been thinking back over the last almost 13 years of therapy and life.... I believe I've learned that there are times in my life when I will need to slow down, cut back, be more internally focused. However, this does not mean for years on end. At other times, my past won't be as pervasive in my present. In these life periods, it's great for me to do the things I want to do and desire to do with my life. I can do both life and therapy as long as I'm smart about it and recognize the signs.

The reason getting married and going back to school went so well and are not considered distractions from dealing with my past are b/c I wasn't running from anything at that time. It was a great time in life for these experiences. I'm even more fully aware of this because of the challenges and struggles I'm facing right now. Going to school right now or starting a family with my husband right now would be distractions to not have to work through the painful issues that have recently presented in therapy. It doesn't mean I will never have a family or get my PhD. It means not now, and I'm learning that listening to my body and to God on when to focus on what means a healthier life for me all the way around.

At times I feel I can't catch up in life for getting behind. My younger (and only) sister is pregnant. I'm thrilled for her, but I sometimes get hit with waves of jealousy. I'm 3 1/2 years older than her. I was supposed to get married first, have the first grandchild, etc. All of my friends are having their 2nd kids, are established in their careers... doing all of the 'normal' life stuff.

In these moments, I have to take a step back. I have to remember that the only timetable I have to be on is my own.. not society's. I'm getting better and better about learning to actually live my life and not survive it. It may not look how I thought my life would look at 30, but it is way better than I really dreamt it would be. My life is good. There are so major internal struggles right now. Lately, the days have felt almost impossible. Yet, I know this is a season and in the right time, my husband and I will enjoy a family, and I can have the job I've always wanted, and fulfill any other dreams I have in my life. For now, I need to focus on the current therapeutic issues enough to get back to a place where my current, external life holds more meaning again.

I know these last two posts have been long, but I guess I've just been thinking that if I've needed to hear this message so much lately, maybe others out there have too. So my big take away from all that I've written is: It is possible to have the life you want and to do the therapeutic work you may need throughout your life. They don't have to be mutually exclusive. You'll just have to learn the balance that works for you.

Balancing Life and Therapy: Background

2011-07-07T22:25:00.008-05:00

When I first started therapy, I thought it was something I would do, work through, and then move on with my life. I started therapy over Christmas break my senior year of high school. I thought I would go to therapy for the 8 months before I moved away to college and then I'd move on with my life. Little did I know I would only scratch the surface during that time...

For lots of issues, 8 months is plenty of time. For child abuse and PTSD issues, I'm not sure there is a finite period of time. I did leave for college on time, and for undergraduate school, I managed both school/life and therapy pretty well. Sometimes school took precedence and sometimes therapy. Luckily school work came easy for me, so I could still pull good grades even during times when I didn't have the energy or mental capacity to do school as usual. I thought for sure that I'd be finished with therapy before or by the time I graduated college - that was 4 whole years after all!

Unfortunately, while I was definitely making progress in therapy, things were beginning to unravel in the same way that cleaning out a closet makes a huge mess before it's all put back together nicely and neatly. I chose to stay at my university and start a graduate degree b/c I would be able to continue to see the same therapist I'd been working with for the past 18 months, and I didn't know what else to do with myself. A dear friend, suggested that I was using school as a distraction from dealing with real stuff, and I should take a break from school and focus on healing. I'm not sure I agree with her in regards to my first semester of grad school, but she was completely right for the rest of my master's degree program. At the beginning of my 2nd semester of grad school, the therapist I'd been working with for 2 years terminated with me b/c she didn't believe she could help me enough. She referred me to a therapist who was an hour away who claimed to be an 'expert' in child abuse and DID. The new lady was a quack! And my world spun out of control. I buried myself into my school work. It was a total distraction, but in some ways it was my saving grace b/c it's all I had to focus on outside of the abuse and flashbacks.

After my second psych hospital stay in a 4 month period, it probably would have been smart for me to take a break from school and get stable again. However, I was stubborn, and I pushed on. I was young, and stubborn, and so angry! I was mad that my life was in some ways being controlled by abuse from so long ago and everything felt like it was falling apart. My way of retaliating was to tell myself that my past wasn't going to run my life and I pushed forward as if nothing was wrong and I wasn't affected at all. I did manage to graduate on time and with a 4.0, but the week after graduation, I was admitted to a psych unit where I stayed for 2 months.

Upon coming home, I got a full-time, high stress job in my field. Again, I wanted to prove that I could live a 'normal' life and not be controlled by my past. 3 months later I was inpatient again for another 6 weeks. After this stay, I went the opposite direction, totally putting my life, dreams, and everything but therapy on hold. I did manage to stay outpatient for a year, but I think that's more b/c I was out of hospital days than b/c I was doing well. I was miserable during this time period too. All of my hopes and dreams for my life and future were all but crushed, and I had pretty much been convinced by treatment teams and doctors that I should just apply for disability - that my life would never be better or anything near 'normal'. I spent 2 years in this space... giving up on life and mostly being ruled by my past and internal world.

By the beginning of 2008 (10 years after starting therapy), I'd survived (it wasn't really living) both extremes. I did life and tried to mostly ignore therapy and my past. I did therapy and embraced my past while not participating much in my current life and external world. I've heard theories on why either of these approaches may be good or better than the other, but in my experience, neither are a place to be long term. Sure, at times in our life, the past is going to be stronger, more influential, and require more time, and current life will sometimes require more attention and energy that therapeutic healing. I think this healing and growing and adjusting perspectives may be a lifelong journey; So, I want to balance this therapetuic work with living a real life in the present right now.

My new goal has been learning this balance. And that leads me to part II of this post.

I'd Like to Forget Today

2011-06-16T22:33:00.002-05:00

Today has pretty much sucked. Well, I can't say the whole day has been bad, but the bad things from today have definitely outweighed the good.

Last night I dreamt I was raped twice by a male friend that I actually truly trust. We've been friends for 12 years, and he's married to one of my best friends. He's more of a big brother to me, and has never been anything but gracious to me. Why in the heck would I have this dream??? And why am I dreaming about being hurt as an adult by one of the few people in my life I really do trust? Nothing in this realm has happened to me since this body grew up, and the man in my dream has never been remotely inappropriate towards me. So why?????? And why does it have to be one of those dreams I can't shake no matter how hard I try? Randomly I briefly spoke to my friend (the wife of the man in my nightmare last night) on the phone tonight, and I felt so awkward. I felt ashamed and like I had something to hide or owed her an apology. grrr...

Then I found out this afternoon that my grandmother has cancer again and we know for sure it's in her liver. She has to have more tests to find out if it's anywhere else as well, but it doesn't look good. She's had cancer before and has said she won't do chemo again. So I wonder, did my grandmother basically just get her death sentence today? Obviously finding out she has cancer today, doesn't change how fast or slow the cancer has been growing, but it's been nice living in denial this past week, letting myself think she had gallbladder issues.

I hope I get tired soon. I just want today to be over. Maybe if I sleep well tonight, I can have a better perspective on things tomorrow. Right now it just feels like everything sucks.... even though I know this is not true.... this is still how I feel.

Blah.

Emotional Blockade

2011-06-12T15:30:00.004-05:00

I realize I haven't blogged in about a month. That wasn't my intention. Therapist has suggested that I make more effort to journal with a paper and pen (like I used to do faithfully). It seems I am more free flowing in my writing when it's in a journal versus on my blog. I guess whether I mean to or not, I do censor myself in this type of forum. Anonymity just doesn't equate total secrecy (meaning no one sees what I write unless I choose to share it with therapist). I'm not planning to abandon my blog. I'm just learning that keeping up a journal and a blog isn't so easy for me, so posts my be sporadic until I get a better hang of things.

So lately I've noticed that I'm rather emotionally blunted. I'm crying less than usual (for me), and I've not had strong emotions towards things that should have evoked strong emotions in me. Granted, I may still be more emotional than many people out there, but it is much, much less for me. In some ways I'm feeling sort of numb, but I'm not really sure why.

A couple of examples:

1. Last weekend I walked the Overnight walk in NYC with Tempy and her brother. It was a walk to raise money for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They work to provide resources for those feeling suicidal and to family members who have lost someone to suicide. It was 18 miles of walking that left me exhausted and sore. I'm pretty sure all 2000 walk participants had lost someone to suicide or had struggled with it themselves. The emotional energy that night was high. I could feel it all around me. Other than a few tears during an emotional speech by a participant at the beginning, I mostly felt nothing the entire evening. In fact, what I felt most was the blisters that formed on my feet about 9 miles into the walk... physical pain - of course. I mean, it is way easier to deal with than emotional pain. I hated that I couldn't be in the moment more for Tempy. After all, we met b/c a mutual friend of ours committed suicide in 2004. I've lost another friend, a cousin, and struggled myself with suicide, yet I couldn't tap into any of those feelings. I wanted to be in the moment that night. Instead, I could have easily been walking 18 miles to say "I love dogs." I believe so much in the Overnight Walk, and it's so frustrating to not have been able to be emotionally present during the event for myself and for Tempy.

2. My grandmother is in the hospital. She admitted to me yesterday that she's been feeling bad for several weeks, but she hadn't said anything prior to our trip to the beach b/c she wanted to make sure she got to go on the vacation. She's afraid it may be her last, and she didn't want to miss it. I got a text from my mother this morning saying that my grandmother was in the E.R. and they were running tests. I don't know anything past this, but she's already beat cancer once, so I don't know how lightly we can take illnesses these days. Normally, I would be so concerned and tearful. Instead, while I am concerned, I'm feeling nothing. I've spent the majority of the day hanging out with friends, laughing, carrying on as normal.

I have therapy tomorrow for the first time in 2 weeks (courtesy of all of my travels). I plan to discuss this situation with her tomorrow. I'm not sure why I am so disconnected, but I know I totally am. On the other hand, numbing doesn't feel terrible at all. I like my emotions not really getting in the way. However, I am realizing that it leaves me not always responding correctly in certain situations b/c I don't have an emotional guide.

I'm not trying to figure this out now. it just seemed important to note what's going on.

5 Year Anniversary!!

2011-05-16T22:04:00.003-05:00

5 years ago today I walked into therapist's office for the very first time feeling discouraged, defeated, but not completely without fight. I didn't really believe therapist could help me, but I knew finding a therapist was my only hope at survival at the time. If I couldn't find a therapist, I truly felt that my symptoms would kill me... and in all honesty, there's a very good chance they would have.

Therapist has been amazing from the beginning. She hasn't always been an expert on DID, but she read and learned and talked to people who had worked with DID and trauma longer. She grew professionally as I grew to trust her. In the beginning I was convinced that she was too naive to know that I would be too much for her, and it would only be a matter of time before she came to that realization herself. No other therapist had been able to stick it out with me, and I knew I hadn't even hit the worst of it yet. PRAISE GOD SHE PROVED ME WRONG!!!!! She has walked through more fires with me than all of my other therapists combined and never once hinted about needing to refer me on to someone else. She never once suggested that maybe she couldn't help me... even on days that neither one of us were quite sure what the best move would be. This commitment on her end was what I needed more than anything. Truly knowing that she was walking this road with me no matter how many road blocks, dead ends, and mountains we hit. See, we finally have this person in our life who knows our deepest, darkest secrets, who has put up with tests, games, and gazillions of questions trying to push her away before we got too attached, and still cares about us and even likes us! My brain says this shouldn't be possible for me, but she's proved it year after year after year.

Today we celebrated 5 years with cupcakes and milk! Every now and then it's nice to take a session to reflect on the journey we've been on together. Today I walked into her office, sat in my spot on the couch, and embraced the safety and comfort that her office has come to provide.... so different than our first meeting 5 years ago. I asked her why she returned my initial call and agreed to meet with me regularly when so many other therapists never returned my calls, refused to meet me b/c of my diagnoses, or bailed after a few sessions. Her response: "You sounded like you really wanted and needed the help." This is my paraphrase of her words, but I was amazed that her response was that simple. I needed help, so she wanted to help. I'm sure her decision making process was more complex than that, but bottom line is that she didn't see my desperate cries for help as a turn off. She wasn't afraid of my diagnoses. And she was up for an awesome challenge, that I truly believe has benefited both of us over the past 5 years.

Therapist is a true gift from God. I pray that every one in therapy can have such an amazing therapist. For those of you who are having trouble finding a good one, DON'T GIVE UP!!! Good therapists are hard to find, but it is so worth the effort and the search. We've seen infinite more healing in the past 5 years than we did during the years prior to that. I know we've done the work, but I know there is no way we could have done it without therapist's support and help.

So... Happy 5 years together Therapist!!!!! Thank you for believing in me... in all of us...

Still Plugging Along

2011-04-28T10:11:00.004-05:00

Just wanted to say that I'm still plugging along. Had 2 therapy sessions this week. Both were intense but both were helpful. It's good to be informed and to be getting information from parts again, but there's a lot to digest too.

Yesterday I confessed my fear to my therapist of one day disappearing and not being forward and running my life as our healing process continues. I fear that as healing takes place, if we get closer to the core and as she heals, that she will take back over, and I won't be 'needed' anymore. I feel more than ever like I'm doing a 'job' instead of 'living my life'. I know this life is all of ours, but because I've been the one forward 99% of the time for as long as I can remember, it has felt like mine that I'm sharing with others. Now it kinda feels like I'm running this life for someone else and that I'll have to give it up at some point. Therapist says I'm jumping the gun. The core may never want to be forward, and we have tons of work to do before we even consider that. She also tried to reassure me that this life is still as much mine now as it was before I had this current information. I think my head agrees with this, but my heart is struggling to catch up.

Two of my best and dearest friends are coming into town this weekend. I am sooooooooo excited!!!!!!! These ladies understand me better than anyone in the world, and we're just gonna hang out, catch up, laugh a lot, cry if we need to, probably eat some yummy food, and whatever else we feel like doing all weekend. I think it's a much needed fun spot for all of us right now, but I feel so blessed that they're both hopping on planes and coming to me!

Despite all of my current internal struggles, I feel I am so blessed. As I type this, I'm sitting in my grandmother's hospital room. She's been sick off and on since November. Right now she's working to recover from double pneumonia. She's sleeping and my grandfather is in another chair in the room asleep too. They're snoring in unison, and I can't help but smile. I don't know how much longer I'll be blessed to have them in my life, so these little moments are sweet (even if they do take place in a hospital). They have taught me so much about love, family, and faith. The lessons they've taught me and passed on to my dad that he showed me, I know for sure have been a major factor into why so much of my life is "healthy and normal" despite all of the years of childhood abuse (by a neighbor) and the PTSD, DID, Major Depression, and any other diagnoses doctors may have labeled me with. I just pray that I do them justice passing on this love and these lessons to my own family one day. I want them to be as proud of me as I am to tell people that I'm their granddaughter.

Bittersweet moments all intermingled. I guess that does make my life pretty normal after all. :)

Update

2011-04-23T18:22:00.002-05:00

So, I've wanted to blog since Wednesday, but time and my mental state haven't allowed for it. I feel I should tell you up front that emotions may not be conveyed strongly in this post because I am feeling rather removed from all events at the moment, but I assure you they are there, and I fully expect them to be addressed in therapy on Monday. For now, numbing and distancing seem to be working well for coping skills, and since I'm spending the weekend with a TON of family, I'm not objecting. It's not the best time to have any sort of an emotional breakdown. Too many people, and I'd have to do too much explaining. A loving family is FANTASTIC! I wouldn't trade it for anything, but a downfall is the fact that everyone cares about you so much that tears require more of an explanation than they might in another setting.

So, this past Wednesday sort of felt like our most recent D-Day. We had a 2 hour session scheduled with therapist so we could hopefully get through some walls and figure out what was going on internally over the past month that caused parts to feel the need to put up a stone wall cutting off all communication. Our session turned into a 2.5 hour session, and while we gained a ton of information, it was incredibly draining. I got home around 1 in the afternoon and slept til almost 6pm... just trying to recover.

Brief rundown of what I learned:
1. There really is a core inside, and I am not it. I've known deep down for a very long time that I was not the core, but I always still hoped I was. I have the birth name and I've managed all of our external relationships for the past 20 years. This life is mostly the one I've built for us. So, while I've always known I was not the one who was "born", I guess I always hoped I was b/c it made my identity easier to establish. While this doesn't necessarily change anything in the way I live my life now, it has led me to do some identity questioning, and there's a lot of sadness I'm not tapping into right now over this. I figure this is pretty normal for anyone who's been in my situation though, so while it's not fun, I'm not too worried about it.

2. I met a new part who calls herself the Gatekeeper (really hoping she'll pick a normal name soon). Apparently it has been her job all of these years to keep the core safe from any more hurt or damage. This girl is tough. She's not letting anyone through. She's the one who put up the wall in the first place b/c she decided A. had been talking too much to therapist and was sharing too much information. I guess the rationale is that the more information is shared, the closer therapist will get to the core, and that is not acceptable to the Gatekeeper.

So, obviously there was more leading up to that, but that's the gist of what went down on Wednesday. We ended with therapist promising not to actively push to reach the core and the Gatekeeper agreeing to not immediately put the wall back up. So, my head feels more "normal" again, but it's still reeling from more new stuff than I know how to process yet.. hence the numbness.

For me, the scariest part right now is remembering how strong A. was before therapist broke through to her. If A. was the first line of defense before the Gatekeeper, it is scary how much energy and power this part may have and may use if she feels threatened.

Guess all I can do for right now though is try and enjoy my Easter weekend, and bring all of my thoughts and concerns to therapist on Monday. It's scarier than I care to experience, but I am relieved to finally know what's going on inside.

So, anyways, there's my update from the past week.

Words

2011-04-16T13:41:00.002-05:00

I need words that I don't have.

I am having intense, almost overwhelming feelings, yet I have no idea how to express them. Therapist just asked me if I wanted/needed to talk. I turned her down, because I have no idea what to say. I would LOVE to talk to her, but that's just the problem, I don't have the words. Sitting on the phone with her, just sitting there doesn't really help her know better how to help me.

The only words I have found are that I am struck with an intense anxiety. The kind that has your stomach doing flips constantly. In the past, I would have easily popped an Ativan or a Xanax by now. I don't have a Rx for either one of those anymore, and as much as I'd like the help, I'm glad. I worked so hard to get off those meds, and I haven't needed them in so long. I DO NOT want to go back on them. I gotta find another way to stick this out. The anxiety has been waxing and waning for the past few weeks, but on Thursday morning it hit, and hasn't left.

I haven't let the anxiety stop me from doing anything. Although, I will admit all that I want to do is curl up under a blanket and hide from the world. I'm still making myself get out and do things. I'm not giving into this, but it's getting harder.

The most frustrating part is that I have no idea who internally or what is causing this intense anxiety. It's hard to work on making it better when no one will tell you what the issue is. Having intense feelings and having no idea why you're having them is the worst! It makes me feel so stuck.

So yeah, I can vocalize this part, but this is all the words I have. So, as much as I would love to talk to Therapist right now, I'm not sure there's anything she can do. Plus, it's Saturday. No reason to tie her up sitting on the phone with me. She should at least get to enjoy her day, right?

I've been praying for God to take this away, but He hasn't yet. I do trust that His plan is bigger than mine, but this is still oh so hard! So, all I know to do in the meantime is just to sit with it.

Man this sucks!

A little shakey

2011-04-07T21:25:00.002-05:00

Can't place my finger on what's going on inside of me, but I know I'm feeling a little shaky. It's almost like being on an emotional roller coaster ride again, but it's not quite as intense and it seems to be affecting me more than just emotionally.

One minute I am doing well. Another I am in tears. And another I'm almost literally shaking and questioning myself on everything. And then I'll get back to a place where everything feels like it's going pretty well and I'm doing pretty good again. The rapid changes and unpredictability are getting old quickly. I'm just feeling unstable even though I don't know exactly why and it's hard to explain.

I know there's some stuff going on inside that's creating an undercurrent of these feelings, but I believe the intensity is rising. Today in therapy I was talking to therapist, and she asked me a few different times how I really was doing. I kept saying okay b/c at the time I felt a lot better than I did when we talked on Monday and b/c I don't even have the words to explain well what I feel and what's going on. I did wonder why therapist kept asking me. I'm not used to her doing that. I guess b/c I usually fear that if I don't find a way to come right out and tell her everything I'm thinking and feeling, then she'll never know anything is going on. On some level I'm sure this is very true. However, I guess, working together for the past 5 years gives her a window into me than many others can't see. She could tell from my eyes today that there was more stuff going on than what I was sharing, and she actually put words to some of it better than I'd been able to.

I am so glad to know that I don't have to do any of this alone. I have a therapist right there to help me through this, and I have a loving God who is with me 24/7 reminding me that even when I feel utterly unstable, He is forever stable and I rest in His arms. That's a hope and peace I plan to do my best to cling to during a time period when I feel very unstable.

A Great Therapist Makes All of the Difference

2011-04-04T20:33:00.003-05:00

So... nothing's any better than yesterday. Nothing internally or externally has really changed. In fact, today was a pretty crappy day all the way around.

Late afternoon I had an appointment with therapist. I was hesitant to tell her some of the things bothering me because the issues aren't really related to any of the reasons that brought me to therapy and aren't any topics therapist and I have ever talked about before. Mostly b/c in order for us to have a real conversation about them, I feared it would ask therapist to share more personal beliefs and or experiences that would be appropriate for me to ask her to share.

By the time we talked, I was so desperate to talk to someone who has never made me feel judged that I opened up to her despite fear that she wouldn't understand or that her personal beliefs might greatly conflict with mine.

She was amazing. I shared everything I felt I needed to without worrying whether my thoughts were right or wrong. She helped me think through a lot of it never telling me I was right or wrong and in a way that was supportive without revealing much of anything about herself or her personal beliefs. I've always had a tremendous amount of respect for therapist, but today brought a new level of respect. This was an area of my life that I knew therapist respected as incredibly important to me, but I wasn't sure it was an area we could discuss in a dialogue format. I'm soo happy to know that it is because therapist rocks!! It feels so amazing to know that there really is no area of my life that I cannot discuss with her. Everyone needs at least one person in their life like that.... Even if you don't tell that person everything, just knowing that you can brings an immense level of peace and security... which as a trauma survivor, are two very important and helpful feelings to have.

It still amazes me how one conversation can change my thinking from an impossible situation to one that feels do-able even when nothing in my life has changed. I don't understand it, but I am so blessed and I feel so thankful for it!

Feeling Alone in a Sea of People who Care

2011-04-03T21:24:00.003-05:00

Looking at my life it makes no sense. I am so loved by family, friends (near and far), and by a God greater than I can even comprehend. I have a therapist that has never failed me and will never abandon me as long as she has say so. I have an amazing husband who goes out of his way to show his love for me even while he is in a war zone on the other side of the world. Yet here I sit.... feeling so alone. It's a feeling that has been growing over the past couple of weeks. I can tell you the things that are making me feel more lonely than usual. Maybe it would be helpful to put it all out there. However I'm feeling a little gun shy from even my anonymous blog right now. See, I tried to talk to my mother today, and I tried to talk to a dear friend who I've known since I was 6. Both conversations were failures. Mom didn't seem to understand why things were so upsetting, and my friend didn't see the importance of making the time for me and ended our conversation a bit abruptly while I was mid-sentence. Another part of it could be that I still need to work on choosing better words to express what I'm trying to share. I know that is lacking, but today was the first time I've tried to vocalize any of this.

I just want to talk to someone and share my struggles and not feel judged... No one flat out condemned me today, but I feel like sharing my true feelings wasn't okay either. I was being corrected... asked why I was feeling that way... told how to make things better... And as much as I'd even like to vaguely address the issues weighing heavy on my heart, at this point I'm wondering if I am making a big deal out of nothing... I've considered myself a huge proponent recently about the importance of not keeping things inside and to oneself. When it's inside of you and no one else knows about it, satan can grab hold and pull you down with those issues. There's no one who is able to help you reality check and see things in true light. But what do you do when you feel shot down and invalidated when you finally share? Even if the comments family and friends made turn out to be truths, how do I get the guts to keep talking about things to be able to process things? When you feel shot down by the people you trust the most, who do you turn to? And what about when there are other people that you trust and you know love you that may have compassion but you feel aren't in a space or don't know enough to be able really talk things out with you? I want someone to talk this stuff out with me. I don't want someone to just listen.

My mind is telling my feelings that God hears. God understands. God will deliver. I do believe this. I truly do. But oh how I'd love someone who I can touch, hear, smell, see, etc. to be available to talk with me and not judge me. So tonight, despite knowing I am loved and cared for, I feel utterly alone, and I'm scared to reach out again.

Flashbacks from Dealing with Pain/Intense Emotions

2011-03-29T11:41:00.005-05:00

About a week ago Tempy, from Crackers & Juiceboxes posted a blog entry about how being suicidal (whether you ever attempt or not) is in itself a traumatic event that can continue to haunt you even after you are no longer suicidal. Click here to ready Tempy's post. The truth of this realization and concept really resonated with me. Being someone who was chronically suicidal for close to 5 years and who prayed for death years before that, I am filled with intense anxiety any time I have feelings that are remotely similar to those I felt when suicidal.

Yesterday, I spent a lot of my session with therapist talking about something I've recently realized and how it's proving to be a challenge to me in my current life. My realization: feelings feel the same no matter what the situation. Sadness feels like sadness no matter what the situation that caused the sadness. Excitement, anxiety, fear, happiness, anger - they always feel the same even if the situations evoking the feelings are as different as night and day. For example: Anxiety about starting a new job resonates the same way in me that anxiety surrounding a memory or flashback does.

As a result, days that I am sad or depressed due to (sometimes normal) present day issues, can lead to panic attacks and irrational fears if not cognitively challenged because the association of these feelings with the low, scary, nearly impossible place I was in 3 years ago is sooooooooooo strong. Because these feelings were associated with me just trying to stay alive for so long, the association is automatic. I have to consciously make myself separate them out. I have to constantly remind myself that a bad day today does not mean I am automatically headed into another 5 year stint of being chronically suicidal. Panic tends to set in quickly when sadness, anxiety, or depression are strong b/c there is a HUGE fear of returning to the place that we were. My initial reaction is to think I'd rather die than go back there again. I'd like to differentiate that I am not suicidal when I have these thoughts, but more it just shows how huge our aversion of living like that again is. In these moments, it's almost as if I'm having flashbacks and some PTSD around my adult years of trying to work through my past and surviving my present.

Last evening I had the honor of talking to a friend of mine who has lived through things that I can't even imagine. Our lives are so different, but oddly we always seem to be in the same general spot in healing. I do believe her feelings and struggles are more intense than mine b/c she lived through more years of abuse and more intense abuse. I don't say this to downplay what happened to me, but more to validate her struggles. Sometimes I believe she feels like a failure in her fight b/c she compares her functioning to that of other abuse survivors who just didn't live through the same intensity and severity of abuse that she endured. Last night my friend was very panicked and she was having trouble being grounded. It was hard for her to form her thoughts, but the more she was able to share what she was feeling and thinking, the more it felt like she was living what I'd just been talking to therapist about an hour earlier. Most of her sentiments revolved around saying that she couldn't go back to that life of being chronically suicidal... of day in day out struggles to just breathe. She had experienced some rough feelings and memories recently (she's going through more tough therapeutic work). I am not an expert, but it appeared to me that the depression, anxiety, sadness, etc. that she was feeling seemed to be panicking her more out of a fear of returning to the place she used to be than b/c the present feelings were too overwhelming. It appeared as if she was in a flashback from 2 years ago when she was barely alive more so than that she was in a flashback from her childhood.

Speaking to her last night validated my belief that surviving memories, feelings, and therapy as an adult can have traumatic implications that may often times get overlooked b/c even clients don't give their struggles as an adult enough credence. Please hear me. THE PREVIOUS STATEMENT IS NOT BASHING THERAPY. I would have been dealing with all of this whether I was in therapy or not. Therapy and the care, concern, and respect of my counselor is what kept me alive. I merely am just trying to share my realization that the intensity of what one may feel as an adult when having to deal with childhood abuse can be traumatic in and of itself. This realization has actually helped me combat some present day panic attacks b/c I can reality test and call my feelings what they truly are - not a backslide, but a fear of backsliding into that hell hole of a living space. It's for sure not a magic cure, and it doesn't work every time, but many times it can help to keep feelings manageable and not overwhelming.

I guess calling a spade, a spade truly does have it's benefits.

A new wall goes up

2011-03-25T14:38:00.003-05:00

Yesterday in therapy, I was telling therapist that it felt like there was a ton going on in my head - parts running this way and that way - and it felt pretty organized. I also told her that I wasn't able to see what was going on in my head - like it was being blocked from my view. I was having some anxiety about it yesterday, but therapist and I were both hoping I was overreacting... that it would turn out to be nothing...

Well, it's definitely not nothing. I'm not saying it's the end of the world. I don't know. This could have a relatively easy solution, but I have no clue right now. All I know is that in the past 24 hours, a massive wall made of stone has been built internally separating me and a few other parts from the rest. It appears to be soundproof, and I haven't found a way over or around the wall yet. Those left on this side of the wall are those of us who "run our external life" on a daily basis. It appears as though everyone else has voluntarily gone or possibly been forced to go to the other side of the wall.

I find myself in a mixed space. On one hand, I can think a lot more clearly right now than I've been able to in weeks, and I'm not feeling overwhelmed by any feelings or memories. This is nice. On the other hand, when things like this happen, it's usually followed by a wild and tumultuous ride. So far we've survived them all, so I have hope for this one too, but that feeling of dread coupled with not knowing exactly what or when something will happen or how easy or difficult it may be is rather anxiety provoking. I hate being left in the dark!

Yesterday I was telling therapist how I am learning that I do just have to sit and wait with this stuff. I can't make anyone share, process, or heal any faster than what they choose. I had a lot more control the first 'go round when we were primarily dealing with my stuff even though I didn't realize it then. Dealing with memories and feelings that aren't originally mine but belong to another part of me is a whole new ballgame... new rules to learn apparently... and one of the biggest of those is patience. I've gotten used to attacking issues head on, and these I cannot until the one holding them chooses to share.

So for now, I'm going to try and enjoy my weekend. If nothing has changed by Monday afternoon, I'll talk to therapist about it and get her opinions. Going to do my best not to push anything for now. Maybe letting everyone be for a few days and leaving this new wall as is for now is the best way I can be helpful.

I swear sometimes understanding my brain is like trying to find your way through a maze in the dark with no flashlight.

Slowing Down and Relaxing

2011-03-23T11:53:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone! I'm still here. It's my Spring Break, and I've really been taking time to slow things down a bit. I've used the past few days to catch up on things I'd been putting off and to rest. I've also not delved into too much internally. Everyone and every thing's still there, but I've allowed myself some time to recuperate. There is much work to be done, but I am learning the importance of downtime and not always barreling ahead into the next task/issue to overcome.

It's okay to rest and I don't have to go out of town to do so. This is such a hard concept for me to grasp. In the house I grew up in, downtime was wasting time. You could lie down if you were sleeping or if you were sick. Otherwise, there were things to do and resting for 'no good reason' was wasting the day. While I believe in being a hard worker and being productive, I am learning that downtime is just as important. I think many times I apply this same "go, go, go" attitude to my therapeutic work. As long as there's work to be done, I shouldn't be resting. I can rest when it's all done. This approach to therapy does NOT work. It runs me into the ground. I become overwhelmed and exhausted.

I wish I could explain why I always feel I'm on a time crunch with therapy. Things will be worked through in good time. Healing will come. Yet somehow, if it's not on the time frame I feel it should be on, I naturally assume that I'm not working hard enough on healing myself. Sometimes I really wonder where I get these crazy ideas.

My life is good. I have so many blessings. I really am okay with where I am in my life right now. What am I trying to rush through? Where am I trying to get? Sure, I'd like to get through these most recent struggles and memories, but why am I racing with myself to do so?

Anyways, I'm trying to use this break as a chance to just let myself rest. If things need to be discussed in therapy, we'll discuss them. However, a break in my job doesn't mean that I have to amp up the therapy work just because I have the time. I'll post again soon. Until then, just know that I'm here, trying to rest and not be so hard on myself.

Why I don't want to be a School Counselor...

2011-03-15T16:12:00.005-05:00

I wanted to write this post over the weekend, but I never found the time. Now I think I’m glad I had a few more days b/c I have even more clarity on the topic.

I graduated in December with my School Counseling degree. I got my Master’s in Counseling back in 2005. Individual and small group counseling is what my heart’s always been drawn towards, but for many years my own issues kept me from being in a place to truly support my clients like they deserved. I worked an administrative and research job for 3 ½ years after graduating in 2005. The job was okay, but my heart wasn’t in it. I still wanted to do counseling, but after several hospitalizations and warnings from my inpatient treatment team that pursuing mental health counseling as a job could be very detrimental to my well-being, I gave up on the idea of using my Master’s degree.

Still wanting to be in some sort of counseling, I went back to school and obtained my Ed.S. in school counseling. It’s a stressful job, but in very different ways than mental health counseling. While I was in school, I had a graduate assistantship in the counseling office on campus. Since I had my master’s degree, they set me up in an office and had me counseling college students. I'll admit it. I was nervous about doing real counseling, but my heart still wanted to give it a try. I LOVED it!! I liked the one on one time with my clients. I liked getting to know them. I liked being able to talk to them for a good 45 minutes to an hour. It turns out, I’m not too shabby of a counselor either. I for sure still have TONS to learn, but it’s cool knowing that I helped some people during my time there.

For the past 6 weeks, I’ve been working as a school counselor at a local high school for a counselor who’s been on maternity leave. I don’t mind this job. I like the people I work with, and schools desperately need school counselors. With that said, I know without a doubt that this is NOT what I want to do for the rest of my life. Last Friday and yesterday gave me a tangible example of why this job will never be satisfying for me.

A student brought a doctor's note in on Friday on a prescription pad. The doctor had written a prescription for this student to listen to her iPod whenever she wanted due to severe anxiety and depression issues. Obviously schools don't allow this, so as a guidance department, we had to inform the teachers and work out a plan so this student could listen to her music when she got overwhelmed. After only 5 weeks on the job, I found myself rolling my eyes at this doctor's prescription. I automatically assumed this student had her doctor snowed, and I assumed this doctor must be a quack. See, as a school counselor, you're forced to make judgments about students all the time. You must decide who is really in crisis and who just wants attention. You can't talk to a student just b/c they walk in and want to talk b/c every minute you spend talking to them is a minute they're not in the classroom running. On top of that, you have about 400 students you're in charge of and have to meet the needs of. Students need to know you're there, but you must have even more strict boundaries about what that means. All we have time for is "band-aid" therapy. If students need extra help or long-term therapy, we refer them to a community counselor or social worker.

Anyways, I didn't think much about it that morning. I didn't personally talk to the student, and I was running in a million different directions that day. Later in the day, I received a call from the principal asking me to call that student up and talk to her. This student had her cell phone taken up b/c she had it out and our school has a strict 'no phone' policy. Our principal was enforcing the punishment, but she did want us to check on the student and make sure she was okay. I called the student up and talked to her for about 15 minutes. My heart sank. This poor girl really does have major anxiety issues.. and not faked ones. I could see so much of what I feel a lot of the time all over her face and in her body movements. She desperately needed someone to care and support. Obviously I couldn't reverse the punishment, but I let her talk. I asked her to share with me what helps her anxiety decrease and we worked on simple stuff like deep breathing and reality testing in my office. I did call this student's mom for her. The mom agreed to come by the school at the end of the day and pick up the girl's cell phone. If a parent comes and gets the phone, they can get it at the end of the same day it's taken up. Otherwise, the student doesn't get the phone back for 2 school days (in this case it would have been over a weekend too). I was able to send the student back to class a little less shakey and with a small smile on her face. I thought this was enough to convince me that I didn't want to be a school counselor who barely got to be there for the people she works with. I wanted to be a counselor who really helps people work through their issues and helps them help themselves through it.

Yesterday, I saw this student again briefly. It was for a completely unrelated matter, but she walked in my office, sat down in a chair and smiled at me. I got the chance to ask her about her weekend and make sure she was able to get her cell phone Friday afternoon. It's obvious she still has constant anxiety issues, but I made a small difference for her, and I could see it in her eyes on Monday. I want to be able to do this on a regular basis - not on the random occassion that my job allows.

This job ends on Thursday. I don't have another job lined up, and husband and I are moving to another state in 5 1/2 months, so it may be awhile before I can get a counseling job, but I know it's what I'm being called to, and I look forward to walking it out with others when God says the time is right for me to have a job like that again.

Questioning?

2011-03-14T20:16:00.003-05:00

The past few days I've found myself questioning everything in my history... I'm pretty sure it's because a new string of events/memories has started surfacing internally... These memories don't feel anything like mine. It feels like I could be telling another person's story...

In therapy today I found myself confessing to therapist that I'm starting to question everything in my past again. I find myself wondering if the abuse really happened? If so, is it really to the extent of these newest memories... or even the older ones? Am I sure I'm DID? Maybe I just have a great imagination. Maybe I'm a fabulous liar.

I expected therapist to roll her eyes at me like she does (playfully) when I am being irrational. It doesn't change the way I feel, but I can recognize that she disagrees with my thinking and work to understand where the disconnect within me is. Today, though, therapist just looked at me with sadness in her eyes. She said this is what trauma does. Trauma blurs everything and has you questioning your reality. It's so true. I can't tell what is truth and what may be me just filling in gaps. Therapist says I don't have to tease out every little detail and run it through the microscope of fact or fiction. She's confident after 5 years of working together that I wouldn't make stuff up just for the sake of making things up. I wish I had her same confidence.

I wish I could explain why it feel so important to me to know every detail is the truth.... to know I can fully be believed b/c I believe myself. One of the biggest fears that I still hold is being disproved by my abuser. What if he comes around and proves my accusations false? What if he can poke enough holes in my story to prove that I'm a liar? What if my entire life for the past 12 years has been a continuous lie I've created for myself? And what kind of person creates their own hell on earth and perpetually keeps themself there?

Trauma or no trauma. Abuse history or none... It sucks to feel my reality being shaken so drastically again. Mentally I understand this is part of the process. More parts other than A. are starting to express feeling and memories, and it's just shaking things up internally a lot. So much so that I don't feel like I'm doing a great job expressing myself tonight.

This is for sure rough, but I still feel very blessed. I'm not struggling with any major self-injury impulses, not every moment of every day is horrible, and my God is continuing to sustain me in ways I never expected. This road is not and will not be easy, but I know the end of this journey does exist and it will be totally worth it!

Insurance Co - Win, Patient - Lose

2011-03-09T18:49:00.002-06:00

After a 9 month of petitions, correspondence, phone calls, e-mails, faxes, and waiting, my insurance company finally responded to my request for them to cover Therapist. Well, they're response is to not respond. Therapist finally got to talk to someone yesterday afternoon who gave her a direct, indirect answer.

See, my government health insurance divides the US by regions. When I moved to live in the same city as husband (even though I'm still in the same state), I was considered (by my insurance) to have changed regions. Now I live 10 miles outside of the region that Therapist is covered by. I am 40 miles away from Therapist, but if I lived 10 miles further South, they would allow me to see her and cover me. Now, it's taken 9 months to get this much information from them. The only reason we know this much is because Therapist continued to contact them b/c they were not responding to any of our submissions - either from her or from my PCP. When Therapist talked to them yesterday, she was told that they would never have contacted her or me or ever sent me a denial letter. Apparently my request is just automatically voided because I live in a different region that she practices in. I can't even get a denial letter. And we wouldn't have gotten any explanation if therapist hadn't been so persistent. I now know that for them to approve her, I will have to get written documentation from every provider in my region saying they can't or won't treat me. So, if someone 5 hours away (but in my region) agrees, I can drive 5 hours to therapy and they'll pay, but they won't pay if I drive 40 minutes in the 'wrong' direction to see Therapist who I've been with almost 5 years.

What pisses me off more than anything, isn't that they won't cover me (and that pisses me off A LOT). It pisses me off that for 9 months we haven't been able to get a direct answer out of anyone, and they think an acceptable answer is no response at all. Just ignore the request and hope I give up eventually? See, if they give me a denial letter, I have the right to appeal and submit paperwork to present my case. But if they don't respond at all, then I can't appeal and they don't have to grant coverage either. Glad to know the government is really looking out for the mental health of deployed soldiers' families like they claim to be...

Maybe government health care is more affordable. I can go to the doctor whenever I need to and not worry about cost. I do appreciate that. However, I didn't get to choose my doctor - any of my doctors for that matter. And when I really need specific help from a specific provider that my insurance recognizes in another region, I'm not even given a chance to present my case. Heck, the people reviewing my case probably don't even know what DID is, so how are they gonna understand the importance of working with a therapist that we trust?

I think I need to stop for now. I'm liable to post some not nice things that I'll wish I hadn't later. I'm feeling bitter about a lot of so called support I'm supposed to be getting while my husband is risking his life to keep our country safe that I'm not seeing, and this is just kind of the straw that broke the camel's back.

I don't regret the life my husband and I have chosen. I am so proud of him for what he does. It's just frustrating to hear the government say they're gonna cut you a break, and instead feel you're being treated like a number and that money is more important to them than me. It'd be easier if I was never promised anything. I wouldn't know any different.

I just think this whole thing is stupid. If I'd gotten this answer back in August, I'd have adjusted and budgeted and wouldn't be in huge debt to therapist right now. Therapist is cool about the money I owe her. I can back pay her as I'm able, but if either of us had known this would be the end result, we'd have made other provisions a lot sooner.

It makes me a little sick right now looking at my insurance card. In big letters across the top it says, "The World's Best Health Care for the World's Best Military." Forgive me if I don't agree with their statement about being the world's best health care right now.

Satan's Tactics

2011-03-06T20:45:00.003-06:00

Last night I had a horrible dream. I've always been a vivid dreamer. My dreams are usually so intricate and detailed, that I am unable to tell that I am dreaming until after I wake up. Many times it takes me awhile after I wake up to fully realize that what just happened was in a dream and not my reality. This morning was one of those mornings. I woke up shaking. I could tell I'd been crying a lot, and for a good 5 minutes, I was convinced my dream was real. Only when I was able to truly realize where I was and what was going on around me did I begin to realize it was a dream and be able to calm down.

Last night I dreamt that my husband was home. He'd been home from deployment for a bit and was daily walking through my current therapy struggles with me. Long story short, in my dream he told me that he'd had enough... that my crazy and my issues were too much for him... he was done.. it was over between us... and there was nothing I can do change his mind. I was heartbroken. The man who has done more to understand than any other man in my life; The man who promised me forever; The man who I adored was walking out. In my dream I was thinking if he wouldn't stay, no one ever will.

Praise God this was only a dream!!! Even though it was a dream, I found myself having a hard time shaking the feelings this morning. I wanted nothing more to call hubby and have him put my mind and heart at ease. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that since he is deployed. Fortunately, I serve a God who is always available. As I turned to God to relieve my pain and fears from this dream, I got hit with a couple of realities:

1. I didn't reach for God first to calm my fears. I was looking for human comfort first. Now, I believe human comfort is good and very much needed. However, I've been learning over the past several years that human comfort doesn't compare to the peace and contentment that God can provide. I'm not beating myself up over this, but it was a good reality check and a good opportunity to refocus my mind on God first and on my family and friends second.

2. Satan uses anything he can to undermine anything positive and healthy in our lives. When I think back over my life, dreams/nightmares are a way that satan has always reached me and tormented me. It's pretty creative and sneaky to attack me in my sleep.. to plant doubts, fears, and horrors in my mind while I sleep. These type of attacks are so much harder to recognize and combat than the obvious and blatant ones. I have no doubt that satan knows this and uses it to his advantage.

These two realities, while not fun, really helped me to regain focus this morning, reality test the dream and put satan back in his place. I ended up having a pretty decent day today. In the past, I would have stayed debilitated internally by a dream like this, but today we let it go and trusted God that he was watching over us, our husband, and the truth.

I count this as a victory, but I wish sometimes there weren't so many battles to fight. The only promise any of us have been given though is that God will see us through all of them and He has won them all. Praise Him for that!

Hubby's birthday

2011-03-02T19:13:00.003-06:00

Today is hubby's birthday. His work schedule is such right now that it's hard to catch him online. He's asleep when I'm free, and I'm asleep when he's free. I did get to talk to him for a few minutes, and it sounds like he had as good of a birthday as one can while deployed in a war zone.

I on the other hand hated not having him around today. I couldn't give him his gift on his birthday (the USPS has it somewhere in the Middle East, but it hasn't reached him yet); I couldn't cook him dinner and make his favorite dessert; I couldn't plan a party for him with all of his friends; and I couldn't even give him a birthday kiss.

Tomorrow will be 5 weeks since he left. I keep thinking he should be coming home soon. All of his trainings over the past year lasted an average of 3-4 weeks. I'm ready for him to be home, but instead it's still just the beginning of this trip. In another week or two we'll adjust to the idea that he's not coming home soon, and the feelings will lessen. I'm thankful for that, but today I'm sad that he's so far away on his birthday and that I can't be with him.

Wow, I'm kinda feeling pretty sorry for myself tonight, huh? Well, I do know I'm more sensitive to EVERYTHING right now with so much internal stuff stirred up. I'm going to choc it up to that and actually not beat myself up over something tonight.

Time for some mindless TV to get lost in and help turn my brain off.

It Feels Like I'm Starting Over

2011-02-28T18:59:00.004-06:00

It feels like I'm starting therapy all over again. My mind knows that I am not starting over. My mind knows that where I am is progress. My mind knows that I am now strong enough to do the work I was not able to do before now.

Today, however, I found myself in therapy discussing struggles, feelings, and memories that I spent a lot of time dealing with in therapy almost 5 years ago. I mean, I get it. I'm DID. Just because I worked through my part of it and some other parts worked through their feelings regarding certain memories and issues, it doesn't mean all of me has worked through it.... and it really appears as though A. may not have worked through much of anything yet.

In theory, I'm okay with this. It makes perfect sense on paper. What seems to really be the hardest for me is how many of these feelings are be re-triggered in me. Issues that I thought I'd put behind me have been back in my face the past few days, and I'm feeling them like they just happened yesterday. I feel like I really can't believe I'm about to do all of this all over again. I know it's not all over again, but it sure does feel that way right now.

I just gotta remember that we've done this before. We can do it again. And we're in a better place to handle it this time. Better internal resources and better, more consistent external support.

Am I still allowed to say, "ugh!" though?

The Weekend :)

2011-02-25T18:58:00.003-06:00

Too tired to write much, but I just wanted to let everyone know I'm still kicking. I have a couple of blog posts in the works, but working long days coupled with intense therapy sessions and constant internal work between sessions has me drained tonight.

So instead of finishing and posting one of those blog entries, I'm putting this little thing up to say 'hi', and I'm going to spend the rest of the evening watching a movie and hopefully get a little phone time with a good friend I haven't talked to in awhile.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. After a bit of rest, I'll post my latest updates and observations. Take care all!

Husband wrote me back!

2011-02-22T21:50:00.003-06:00

Well, I guess I spoke a day too soon. Hubby responded today to the e-mail I sent him about my current internal and therapeutic situation. His e-mail was so sweet. I will never understand why this man sees me the way he does, but I am incredibly grateful. This e-mail made all of today a lot more bearable. I copied and pasted it below b/c it's too good the way it is to try and paraphrase it.

Hey,

Like I mentioned briefly the other day I am very greatful for
letting me know what you are going through and what you are having to
work through. I might not understand it all the time, mostly because I
have a hard time relating to what you have had to and currently still
have to overcome and work through. Regardless, you are one of the
strongest gals I know and have been since we met :). More and more,
with everything we do and more I get to really know you God has shown
me just how luckly I am to have you in my life. So let me know how
can be supportive and praying for you as you have been.

Xo, Love You -
Husband

Now I just have to figure out how he can be supportive and how I want him specifically praying. ;) One step at a time though, right? And this step - me sharing specifics and him responding in love and confidence - just squished a bit of the lie that those who truly know me will come to hate me and be disgusted by me. Yay for huge, small victories!!!!!

Sent E-mail to Hubby

2011-02-21T21:51:00.005-06:00

I finally created an e-mail I was okay enough with to send to hubby Saturday night. I had decided I wasn't going to say anything about it and let him bring it up when he was ready to talk about it. This has worked well for us in the past. After 2 conversations with him post sending the e-mail, I cracked. I was so nervous of his response that I finally just asked him if he'd read the e-mail. His response, "Yeah, I read it yesterday. Thanks for being so honest and for working so hard to keep me in the loop. I'm definitely praying for you." And that was it..... subject changed.

It totally wasn't what I expected, but I'm not complaining either. I figured he'd have more questions or want to talk about it, but he seemed perfectly content to know I was keeping him in the loop and that I didn't need him to do anything other than pray. This man continues to surprise me. He understands very little about emotions, behavioral health, etc. yet he never seems to waiver no matter what new info or crazy situation I send his way. It is truly amazing, and I feel so blessed. Now, I like to talk, so I would have liked a conversation about the e-mail I sent him, but I'm not going to complain that this is the outcome. He hasn't treated me any different since and for whatever reason, he really really trusts me. If I say I'll be okay, he takes it at face value. It's kinda new to me to have someone this close to me take my words at face value. It seems most people (including myself) are looking for deeper and/or hidden meaning in what I'm saying or not saying. It's an odd experience for me but very refreshing at the same time.

In other news, we saw therapist again today. She checked in with me a bit and then spent most of the rest of the session with A. Bless, we have our work cut out for us. I continue to be amazed at the amount of work and progress that therapist is able to make with A. during our sessions, however, we always seem to have to re-teach and go over some of the basic things A. learned or accepted the last session. Permanency in what she learns these days is still lacking. Still it is progress. And while it's progress that feels like it's ripping my guts out, I am very thankful to have therapist and a couple of good friends I can talk to about all of this instead of feeling utterly alone and without a clue how to progress towards healing.

Therapist gave A. a tiny little bear tonight to keep. It's something from the present day. It's something that was not around when were a child. It's something that will hopefully help keep her grounded and out of flashbacks more b/c it is a gift from therapist that requires no gift or payment in return (a new concept for A) and it is something that did not exist when the body was being hurt. A. is already pretty attached to the little guy/gal (keep switching back and forth on whether it looks like a guy or a girl stuffie). I posted a pic below so you can see. I have a feeling it's going to be going everywhere with us for a little while, but I don't care if there's the chance it can help to calm things down inside for a bit.

This is Tough

2011-02-18T21:48:00.005-06:00

So, I'm still here. The past 4 days have been tough. Moving A. into a room in the common area has allowed us to take better care of her, but her emotions are so painful and so intense, it's really taking a toll on everyone inside. Externally I'm still functioning and participating in life rather well. Internally, the anxiety and sadness is almost overwhelming. I'm able to still reality check well, and that's been invaluable this week b/c nowhere feels safe anymore. Everywhere feels too exposed - even therapist's office, which has always been a safe haven.

Saw therapist today. We spent a lot of our session talking about where I feel I am and how I can continue to cope okay externally while allowing A. and other parts to do the work they need to do in order to heal. I was pleased that I could tell therapist that I feel I'm still doing better than just surviving from session to session. However, I do have to admit that I'm not really 'living life' right now either. It's somewhere between the two. I'm okay being here now knowing that it's temporary. There is fear that if the feelings last too long at this intensity, we will fall into the state of just surviving. However, at therapist's suggestion, we're not going to worry about that right now. Right now things are still manageable, so that's what we're going to focus on.

The time between sessions just feels really hard when I'm at a place where the therapeutic work needing to be done isn't really something I should attempt on my own or outside of a session. We're dedicated to helping A. through this process, but I so don't want my life to return to a place of revolving around therapy again - even temporarily.

I'm also working on coming up with an adjective to describe the state I'm in. Words seem to escape me. Therapist won't let me use the term 'crazy' unless I'm 100% joking. I know I'm not really crazy, but many times I feel that way still, so I can't use that word. Irrational doesn't do the situation justice, so I can't use that word either. Therapist said I'm in a 'traumatic state'... My symptoms are classic PTSD. Maybe so, but that's not an easy term to say to other people. "Don't mind me right now. I'm in a traumatic state." LOL! Soooo much easier to just say I'm crazy for right now.....

The last thing therapist and I talked about today was how I can fill hubby in on what's going on. I don't want to keep him in the dark, but I don't want him to worry about me while he's deployed. We never get to talk long enough or have a clear enough signal for this type of conversation. I don't want him to miss something I say and get confused or overly concerned. So, we've settled on sending him an e-mail to get all of the information to him, and we'll hopefully be able to follow up with phone calls and Skyping so he can see that I am okay and that while things may be rough, I'm still progressing.

I wish so badly husband was here to walk this with me. How ironic that this latest set of work was triggered by him leaving... Going to work on that e-mail over the next couple of days. I want to do my best to keep him in the loop and have him share in this with me without freaking him out or making him feel guilty for leaving. He is such a blessing to me. He's always loved me as I am, and I want nothing more than to continue to share the 'scary' parts of my life with him. The love that husband shows me, even I think he should think I'm crazy and he should run away is a gift I never thought I'd have. Sometimes I think I cherish it so much, that I do get afraid I'm going to still run him off... So, I will spend forever crafting this e-mail to make sure it portrays the real issues, but in a way that will make sense to him and still highlighting all of the positives.

For now though, we need sleep. More to come.

She Used to Appear So Big and Fierce

2011-02-15T21:43:00.003-06:00

This post is sort of a follow-up to the last post in that it's an update of what took place after Monday's therapy session, but it also delves a little bit more into my DID world and into the history regarding the part I discussed in the last post that is struggling so much. To make it easier, I'm going to call this part "A.". That's the first letter of her name. I realize that giving you her name probably wouldn't give too much away, but my anonymity with this blog has always been important to me, and I want to treat her with that same respect until the time she decides she wants to share her name with anyone. So, thanks, and I hope this doesn't make this post too confusing.

Until very very recently, A. has always presented as larger, taller, stronger, and more fierce than any other part or any external person in our life. In all honesty, since we've met her she's appeared internally as large and as strong as the Jolly Green Giant - except she wasn't green. She's also appeared in adult form on the inside. I never knew her age b/c time doesn't mean much to her, but she spoke and talked as an adult and had quick wit. She towered over all of us and had the strength to take over the body at any point and do as she pleased. For many many years I was very afraid of her.

Over the past couple of years, it's continued to be like pulling teeth to get her to really share anything, but what I have learned has been invaluable. While she has mostly presented as a part whose goal has been to harm the body, in reality she is probably one of my strongest protectors. She was present for the worst of the abuse. She struggles the most with the mind games he played. She protected the rest of us from him during the worst moments. As we began to share about the abuse as an adult, she would lash out - hurting us emotionally and physically. I've come to realize though that in her mind, she was protecting us. He told her telling would mean that everyone would hate us... telling would mean we'd have to go live with him forever... Off and on throughout therapy she has presented at times to 'protect us' from lies he made her believe. This protection has always been brought about by fear, force, and injury to the body on her part up until I got married last May.

She sort of went silent around wedding time. She was so against the wedding and I was fearful that she would sabotage not only the event but my future with the man that I love. At the time I assumed she was so resistant b/c the thought of willingly having sex freaked her out. Now I know it runs much deeper than that. She's pretty much stayed silent the last 8 months. I would wonder about her, but I was loving feeling mostly good and being married, so I didn't take the time to look into it too much.

After husband deployed 3 weeks ago, I immediately started noticing an increased level of activity inside and a spike in my anxiety levels so extreme that I thought my heart my burst. Until Monday I was still in the fog about the exact reasons why. I knew it had to do with A., but I had no idea how or what bomb she was going to drop this time. Monday she told therapist that we were no longer safe. She told therapist that he was coming back to get us. A. told therapist that he told her multiple times while hurting her that she belonged to him. If we ever grew up and got married, we'd broken our covenant to him and he would come find us and make us pay. With hubby home for the past 8 months, this fear hadn't made it's way to the surface b/c we felt safe with hubby - almost like he was an external protector, and I think A. felt like he would protect us from the bad man if he did show up. Once hubby deployed, though, all bets were off. Hubby is gone for a long time. A. felt abandoned and wide open for an attack.

A. crumbled in fear and sadness in therapist's office on Monday, and even with therapist close by, A. never stopped shaking. It took the 2 hours to get A. out of freak out stage and to begin the process of trying to convince her that he will not be coming to get her or any of us b/c we got married. It's going to be a long road.

After therapist brought me back forward and got me stabilized enough, I drove home. It's about a 45 minute drive to my home from therapist's office, so I had a lot of time to think and talk to myself. I got a report from other parts that A. never made it back to her internal house (for as long as I've known her, she's been unwilling to share a house with any other parts) and there was a fragile girl around the age of 9 that no one recognized lying on the ground close to A's house. I let another adult part drive the car home safely, and I went to investigate. Looking closely, I realized it was A., but she barely resembled any other form I've ever seen her take. The eyes are really the main clue that gave away that it was her. She looked so frail and tired and she just lied there and quietly sobbed barely even acknowledging any of us.

I couldn't leave her there. Seeing her like that was breaking my heart in a way I've never felt before. I picked her up in my arms, and surprisingly she didn't resist. I took her to the large house where everyone else hangs out, and put her in an empty room with a comfy bed all her own. Since that time all she's done is sleep, cry, and stare at who knows what. She will briefly respond to you if you talk to her, but she won't converse.

How does the part that was the strongest, largest and fiercest go from that to one of the weakest and most fragile parts in the system? And wow! what a turn around! Guess we really are going to have our work cut out for us for awhile. My head is reeling from the internal shift, b/c even if she is fragile right now, she is still very strong emotionally and it's very hard to not get overpowered by her emotions and try to support her where she is right now.

Wow. This post got way longer than I meant for it to. I'll stop here for now and pick up again in a bit.

Ask Me How I Know...

2011-02-15T21:42:00.005-06:00

Amy Grant released the song 'Ask Me How I Know' in 1991 on her Heart In Motion CD. For a few of different reasons this song has been going through my head almost constantly for the past several days. First of all, in 1991, Amy Grant was my most favorite singer on the planet. I knew all of her songs by heart. I'd seen her in concert and had an autographed picture framed and on my bedroom wall. Secondly, the first time I heard this song, it struck me in a funny way. I had blocked all memory of my childhood abuse at this point, but I still found myself strangely drawn to and repulsed by the lyrics in this song at the same time. They struck a painful chord inside of me that I wouldn't understand for about 6 more years. In the past several days, this song has been playing through my head b/c more painful feelings and memories have surfaced again and these lyrics seem to fit oh so well. Below is the first part of the song:

I see her as a little girl hiding in her room
She takes another bath and she sprays her momma's perfume
To try to wipe away the scent he left behind
But it haunts her mind.

You see she's his little rag, nothing more than just a waif
And he's mopping up his need, she is tired and afraid
Maybe she'll find a way through these awful years to disappear.

Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heavens
I see no mercy and no one down here's naming names
Nobody's naming names.

Having DID can be quite interesting at times. While I have made so much progress in therapy and in my healing, other parts inside of me stay buried deep most of the time and are stuck either in the past or still in the place of hopeless despair that I found myself in 3 years ago. On Monday, therapist talked to one of these parts. Our session turned into a 2 hour session of stopping flashbacks, quieting old tapes and messages, and trying to help this part begin to get some sort of footing in the present. While my faith in God is strong and runs deep, somehow she has not been blessed to know God or His healing grace yet. The first part of Amy Grant's song really reminds me of where she is right now. She wonders where was God? She wonders where was anyone? Why did no one tell and no one save her?

This part cried harder than I'd ever seen her cry before. She actually grieved her pain and what has happened to her in front of therapist. While it has been incredibly taxing on me and the entire system, it's kinda cool that she is finally opening up to someone about what she really thinks and feels after 12 years of therapy. It's very hard to sit with her feelings of anxiety, vulnerability, sadness, etc., but I'm doing my best to be okay in this space. I can't expect her to catch up on the past 21 years of my/our life in 3 days or develop a solid faith in God that fast to provide her with peace. I definitely feel the resiliency from other parts and myself who have found differing levels of healing, and that is a HUGE help. However, this is still wickedly painful, and while I truly believe this is worth it, I think we're going to have a long slow road going forward for a bit.... but praise God I'm at least moving forward, right??

The 2nd half of Amy Grant's song basically shares this same thought. The girl in the song is not fully healed. She still struggles with fear and mistrust, but God is bringing her healing. God is giving her a new life. The life she never got to have as a child.... and while it's a tough road, it's a pretty, stinkin' awesome one.

Now she's looking in the mirror at a lovely woman face
No more frightened little girl, like she's gone without a trace
Still she leaves the light burning in the hall
It's hard to sleep at all.

Still she crawls up in her bed acting quiet as a mouse
Deep inside she's listening for a creaking in the house
But noone's left to harm her, she's finally safe and sound
There's a peace she's found.

Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heavens
She said His mercy is bringing her life again.

Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heaven
(How do you know?)
Where did He go in the middle of her shame
(Where did He go?)
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
She said his mercy is bringing her life again
She's coming to life again.

He's in the middle of her pain
In the middle of her shame
Mercy brings life
He's in the middle
Mercy in the middle.

So ask me how I know
Ask me how I know, yeah
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heaven
(How do you know?)
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
Yeah, ask me how I know
(How do you know?)
Ask me
Ask me
Ask me how I know
(How do you know?)
There's a God up in the heavens
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens.

This is the video on Youtube if you'd like to hear the song.

So Much to Say

2011-02-15T21:31:00.002-06:00

Hey everyone. I've wanted to blog so badly the past 2 days. I have several blog posts just sitting in my head waiting to be typed out, but the past couple of days have been really busy, and I've been forced to do a lot more coping and distraction than allowing my feelings to be in the moment and truly feel them until it's close to 10 o'clock at night. When it's this late, I don't want to get into any of it because I'm exhausted, and it has the potential to take me to a place where I don't want to be right before bedtime and increase my chance of nightmares.

All of that said, tomorrow late afternoon/early evening should afford me the time I need to post a couple of blog entries. Therapy yesterday was 2 hours long, intense, and really eye opening - in a good but very painful way. I'm hoping to post a couple entries on that and what has happened since the session in an effort to help me think through things more clearly and give a voice to things that have never had a voice before.

Also, I just wanted to say thanks to those of you who take the time to read my blog. I know I post infrequently and sometimes about random thing. My blog is not as focused or as topic oriented as many people's, but it is my life. It's kinda cool to know that total strangers and friends take the time and stop to read my words as if I have/had something important to say. Anyways, just thank you.. to all of you who read and to those of you who sometimes respond to my entries with your thoughts and feedback. It's nice to not feel all alone even when you are alone. :)

And the Nightmares Return

2011-02-13T16:29:00.003-06:00

I had wishingly hoped my nightmares had stopped forever. I've always been a dreamer. Six our of seven days a week, I can tell you what I dreamt about the night before. Forever they were nightmares or flashbacks in my dreams. However, over the last year or so, most of them had been silly or nonsensical dreams - and usually based around something going on in my current life.

Three nights running now I've had nightmares again. The kind that are a mix of flashbacks, current people, and stuff that hasn't or doesn't currently exist in my life. So, on one hand, when I wake up, I can tell that these dreams are not totally real events that occurred because past and present and fiction are all blurred together in one dream. On the other hand, the nightmares feel so life-like that I've been waking up in the fetal position, shaking in fear, with a level of anxiety and depression that I haven't felt for a couple of years. Grounding and distraction have helped me get up and get through my days, but nothing is fully shaking the anxiety and looming sense of doom.

I'm getting a better picture of where this may be coming from internally and where this may be headed, but most of it is still very foggy and just trapped in feelings. What I am aware of tells me this isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's gonna be a beast of a ride for a bit. :P

I am still in a much better place with this going on than I have been in the past, but I must admit that I'm wondering... Will I ever talk, heal enough that new waves won't keep cropping up?

I want so badly to talk to hubby... to tell him what's going on... to let him walk this with me to feel supported but to also help him understand some of what I went through before we met. But he's on the other side of the world putting his life on the line every day. The last thing I want is for his attention to be focused on me or worrying about me. I need him to focus on his job so he can come back home to me in one piece. I also am not sure how much he can understand via e-mail and occasional video chatting. Part of me is wondering if telling him will make it harder instead of easier if he can't understand b/c of the distance and lack of communication between us right now.

I can't believe this hurts so much and I feel so alone in this. We've done stuff like this before. We know we can get to the other side of this. But it's been almost 3 years since we felt this badly. I really really thought that part of my life might be over with. I really am ready to move on with my life. Goodness knows I still have enough day to day issues that were keeping me in therapy. Do we really need to go back and cover more of this stuff??

God, please just take this part away. I don't want to go through more nightmares, flashbacks, and memories. I get what happened to us. I haven't tried to deny it in a long time. Please don't make me relive all of it. I feel like I know and have felt enough. Please, please just take this away and replace it with your peace... Your miraculous peace that passes all understanding. Please.

Lack of Words

2011-02-09T22:40:00.002-06:00

I've been around the past several days. I've had plenty of time to blog. It's snowing way more than usual this year, and this State isn't used to handling this much snow, so everything's pretty much been shut down since Monday night. I got a bit stir crazy today. The mix of ice and snow made things not safe to get out on unless you had to, so I stayed in today. I only got out for a couple of hours yesterday, and it's questionable if I'll be able to get out tomorrow. Praying that the street scrapers will at least have the main roads cleared tomorrow.

Anyways, all this to say I've had plenty of time to blog, and there are things stirring inside that probably need to be blogged about, but so far I have no words, so I've just been avoiding my blog. Feelings usually come before words with me. It usually means they're someone else's feelings (internally) and I don't have the memories or insights to go with it. It's a slightly scary place to be. It leaves me wondering if I'm about to blindsided by something unexpected. Sometimes these 'dark' feelings inside end up not being as huge as I fear they'll be. Other times they've knocked the wind out of me. It's been awhile since I've had feelings this intense, so it has me a bit nervous. I wish I knew how to better gauge these feelings. I know it'll all come clear with time, but part of me doesn't want it to. I want to push whatever this is back down and continue on with my happier life - the one where my main depressive feelings are related to missing my husband and not rooted in trauma or the abuse.

In all honesty, God has blessed me with a nice reprieve. I do have more energy reserves, and I've had a long period of time that's been relatively good, so I probably have the strength and coping skills to get through whatever this is - big or small. My distractions are less right now too, so it makes more sense that I would be more aware of things internally.

I eluded to as much in therapy on Monday, but I felt very far removed from it felt I might be reading into something that wasn't there. Each day that goes by, things inside are getting harder to ignore. I even spent some time listening today, but all I "hear" is the pain I feel. I have no words, memories, pictures or anything to go with the feelings yet. I like not having those parts of it, but I know I can't work through this and get the feeling out of us until the issue(s) is addressed. I'm really hoping some of this will come out in therapy tomorrow. Maybe if parts won't tell me, they'll tell therapist.

Or maybe if I close my eyes hard enough, it will just all go away.... okay, kidding there.... that one hasn't worked in a really long time...

So I feel like I just wrote a lot and said absolutely nothing. Oh well, at least I put it out there that there's some dark stuff stirring inside of me right now. That's more than I've admitted out loud to anyone else...

Heavy heart

2011-02-01T12:38:00.004-06:00

My heart is heavy today. The pain of hubby being away really isn't letting up. I'm just finding that I can distract from it for periods of time.

I have a little good news. I got a temp job yesterday, so starting Friday I'll have at least 6 weeks of employment. Gotta start somewhere, and I'm trusting God to either turn this into a permanent position or provide me with something else when this 6 weeks is up. It was very hard to make this decision without being able to talk to hubby first. I'd been hoping another job was going to come through, and I guess it still might, but I got offered this temp job and I still haven't heard back from the other one. I'm tired of being jobless, so I'm going forward with this, but it was hard decision to make knowing it affects both hubby and me, and I couldn't talk to him about it first. I have talked to him since I made the decision, and he is supportive, but it was just another reminder of how things are going to be very different for awhile and how much I miss him.

I think I blogged last week about a very close friend of mine admitting that she had an affair. I've spent what I could of the last week e-mailing with her and talking through this with her. I don't condone what she did at all, but she's my friend and I love her. I want to do everything I can to help her get back on the right track... whether her marriage is salvageable or not. We talked on the phone as recent as last night and she was telling me all the steps she was taking to improve things and that her husband had agreed to go to a 911 marriage seminar with her to see if there was any chance of their marriage surviving... A long way to go, but they all felt like positive steps.

Today I got an e-mail from her asking for forgiveness and prayers b/c she had continued contact with the man she had an affair with all last week, over the weekend, and even saw him yesterday. She says it was to say good-bye and cut ties. She says she really is through and really wants to save her marriage. She says she knows she's let us down and lied to us again. This e-mail felt like a huge punch in the gut. After getting over the initial shock and hurt of being lied to for months, I reached out and have tried to help her in any way I could. To find out today that she was still lying and non-repentant breaks my heart. In her e-mail, she says she is broken and repentant now, but I don't know why I should give her the benefit of the doubt and believe her.

It's going to take lots of prayer, but I will forgive her. We are commanded to forgive even when the same sin is committed against us over and over again (Matthew 18:22). Rebuilding that trust with her is going to be a much longer road than I ever anticipated though.... And, it just breaks my heart that satan has her in his grips so tightly. With God, we know she can over come this, but she has to want to. She says she wants to, but she said that before and wasn't even remotely trying to. It's hard to know if it's truth this time.

I really wish hubby was here. We are not my friend and her husband, but hugs of reassurance and being able to talk to him face to face about this would be so comforting. God this has to be in your hands. It's way bigger than me, and I don't know what to do.

A little better today

2011-01-29T15:53:00.003-06:00

Just wanted to write a quick update to say that today is going better. Yesterday I stayed in my pj's or on the couch or in my bed all day. My only communications were a couple of phone calls and the Internet. There were times I wanted to reach out more for support and help, but I didn't have any words to put with my pain, and I wasn't sure what would feel comforting to even know what to ask my friends and family for. Maybe I just needed the rest and grief time.

I went to bed by midnight last night - which shows how tired I was since I didn't get up until 1pm yesterday. I did sleep in until 11am today too, but I felt more rested and little more clear-minded today when I did get up. Husband called at 8am and I woke up long enough to talk to him. He's made it to his first destination safely, and it was soooooooooooo good to hear his voice. I am amazed how gradually with time (and I didn't notice it happening while it was) his voice has become a very calming and soothing thing for me (his smell does the same for me too). Hearing his voice on the phone this morning made everything better. It hurt when it was time to hang up with him, but I know even that short phone call has helped put a pep in my step today, and I praise God for that. It wasn't too many years ago that the smell of any man would have sent me running the other direction and nothing about a man was soothing to me. Now (as it should be, but I wondered if it was ever possible) my husband's smell and voice are two of the most soothing things in my life.

If I stop and think too long, I will start crying again. The pain is for sure not gone, and life will take some getting used to. I still brewed enough coffee for both of us this morning before I realized that I'd made too much. One of the habits I'll have to temporarily break.

Thankfully God has blessed me today with beautiful weather (sunny and in the mid 50's) and enough energy and drive to get out in it. Took a 6 mile bike ride today. The sun, fresh air, and energy expenditure was amazing. The fact that I haven't ridden my bike in 6 months meant the cardio was rough and I will pay for it my legs tomorrow. Totally worth it though. This got me motivated to do a few more things around the house that felt totally overwhelming yesterday. Some tasks still feel too overwhelming, but seeing this improvement from yesterday gives me much hope that other tasks will become more do-able over the next several days as well.

Gonna go make myself shower and put on some real clothes now. Time to start living again.

Sigh

2011-01-28T05:53:00.003-06:00

It's almost 6am. I've been home for about 30 minutes. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally, and I've even made it into bed... But I don't want to lie down and go to sleep. Tonight (well, I guess it's actually day now) I sleep alone. Hubby is away for 6 months, and this is the first 'night' without him. I don't know if I can sleep without another body in the bed.... without him stealing the covers, accidentally elbowing me in the nose, and making funny and annoying noises in his sleep.

My heart just hurts so much. I just keep reminding myself(us) that hubby is going in God's hands. God is in control, and I can pray safety over hubby. Praise God that someone.. that He is in control. I have no control over this situation anymore, and while it was so much harder than last time to let hubby leave today, it is good to find a small amount of comfort knowing that he will never be on his own and that God is on his side.

Hopefully with a couple of good cries and some sleep, I'll feel better and be in a place where I can start to figure out what my "normal" routine is going to be while hubby is gone.

I just keep screaming in my head "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!" And maybe it's not, but life isn't fair. Hubby signed up to do the job he does, and I've known for awhile that today was coming. It hurts for both of us, but I am so proud of him and his commitment. It's totally worth the pain of having to be apart from him to have the honor and joy of being his wife, but that in no way means this pain is easy.

Okay...gonna try to lie down. Think exhaustion may win out soon and I'll sleep anyways.

Night...err...good morning y'all.

Reminders of why to only put full faith in God

2011-01-26T11:48:00.002-06:00

The pros of doing multiple Bible studies at the same time is that I am learning more than I expected and I'm being challenged to grow and it's keeping a fire in me lit at a time when my emotions want it to fizzle, so I can just "be."

The cons of doing multiple bible studies at one time is that I currently cannot find in which book and what Scriptures my thoughts for today are coming from because I cannot remember which book the thought was first placed in my head by to share with you, and I'm on a tight schedule right now, but really want to get this posted. So, forgive me for now for not having references. I promise to come back and add them later in the day or sometime in the next few days when I have time to search for them again.

The lesson on my heart the past week has been how I need to put all of my trust and faith in God and not in any human(s). I've had quiet times, scriptures, and supplemental readings all seem to be pointing to this idea. My natural thoughts have been God was sending this to me b/c I'm finding myself having thoughts, like "I can't let hubby deploy b/c I can't function if he leaves." I was independent for several, several years before I ever met husband, so this was a weird feeling for me to have, but it felt very true. I assumed God was gently reminding me that I did just fine before I met hubby; I survived hubby's first deployment; I've survived hubby's month long trainings away from home; and that I can survive this deployment. There is definitely something that changes with marriage, though. Husband and I are two completely different people (sometimes foreign to each other), but there is also something very true to the statement that "two become one". I feel so connected to him that it feels like my heart is ripping out letting him go. I also felt God had been telling me to put my trust in God to take care of hubby. Sending hubby in God's arms and with his protection is definitely comforting, and while my tears seem to be ever flowing, I have been finding peace in this most of the time.

Yesterday God brought this lesson to me on a whole new level. A dear friend of mine since my senior year of high school, a peer that I have always looked up to spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. She married and the mom of two precious girls and has always seemed to know how to do everything just right. Yesterday she called me on the phone and confessed to having been involved in an affair with a married man (her best friend's husband who is also the associate minister at their church) for the past 6 months. If my jaw could have literally hit the floor, it would have. When I asked her what convicted her to share this now, she replied that they'd been caught by the other man's wife. Wow! So, according to her the affair is officially over because "it has to be", but who knows how long it would have gone on if they hadn't gotten caught? Her husband and his wife are devastated, obviously.

I know my friend has been hurting for awhile. She's young (31) and her husband was diagnosed with MS 2 years ago. They have two small children and she's been drained, stressed, and doing everything alone for awhile. However, I am amazed at how well she's been lying to me about this affair for the past 6 months. I had wondered if she might separate from her husband for a time just to get a "break", but I had NO idea she was engaged in an affair. My heart breaks for all of those involved. I told my friend yesterday that I was glad she got caught if that's what it was going to take to end the affair. I told her that I loved her and wasn't going to stop being her friend. This is a great example of separating the sin from the sinner b/c I in no way condone what my friend has done. There is NO excuse good enough. But I still love her, and I will do everything in my power to help her get back on the right path with Christ and then her husband (if he's even interested).

I can't tell you how much this situation hurts, but I do know that God is showing me that even those we hold as "better Christians" than ourselves are susceptible to falling into deep sin. It reminds me that this is why I put my faith in him and not in fellow Christians. It would be tempting to say if this friend could turn her back on God in this way, then what's to keep me from doing the same? She's got it together so much better than I do. This would be foolish on my part though, because it's not about us at all. We only overcome b/c of God and Christ. Keeping my eyes on him, being dependent on him. Leaning on other Christians for support, fellowship, and guidance is still great and needed. But my hope and my trust must reside in God. He is the ONLY one who will never fail. Praise him for that!

Okay. May have gotten on my soapbox a little bit more than intended, but I've just been very struck how two very different situations in my life have reinforced the same lesson from God. So, I felt it was important to share.

Hanging On

2011-01-24T15:29:00.002-06:00

Not up to writing much. I don't know if it makes sense to say I have peace about the future, but I'm still going through a great amount of depression and sadness. Hubby deploys sometime at the end of this week. We have a general idea of when, but for safety and security reasons, we probably won't know a definite time until 24 hours out.

He is being so amazing dealing with all of my tears. He even seems to really understand that I know I can let him go and that I will go on with my life while he is away, but NO part of my being wants him to go or wants to let him go. I'm glad he gets this because it helps me feel less guilty like I might be making things worse for him by adding to his plate extra worry about me.

I know God's hand is in this and He has great plans for both of us during our time apart and in our individual mission fields. This part is exciting! Unfortunately, today and the past several days, I've only been able to recognize this at a mental level. Emotionally I'm just a basket case and don't even want to be made to feel better...

Praise God he understands me even when I don't, and that He loves me in the midst of all my humanness.

Insight... and Just for laughs

2011-01-18T10:10:00.002-06:00

So hubby is selling the most awful brown sectional couch on Craigslist. It's a miracle he's actually selling it. For a long time he was unwilling to part with it, so it's been taking up a ton of space in the garage for the past several months. A few people have shown interest, and I am amazed that they seem willing to pay what he's asking for the couch. But, hey, if he can make a nice profit, more power to him. Anyways, apparently a person wants to come and pick it up today. I'm never all that comfortable being home alone when someone comes to pick up something we've sold on Craigslist, but my hesitation is always greater when I haven't been the one communicating with the potential buyers.

So, long story short, he comes into the bedroom this morning to tell me someone wants to come pick the couch up, and did I care what time they came? My response was: "I don't want them to come when you're not going to be home." He looked at me for a second then said: "So, do you want them to come morning or afternoon?" I responded, "Don't you have to work today?" He said "Yes." So, after looking at him with a very puzzled expression for a minute, I responded again with, "I am not comfortable being home alone when a stranger is coming to our house." So then he says, "Okay, I'll tell them to come late afternoon." I followed up with: "Are you leaving work early today?" He said "No." (At this point I don't know whether to laugh at the insanity of this conversation or to be annoyed that he's not truly hearing me.)I'm pretty sure in his mind, he thinks if he asks enough and he asks sweetly enough that I'll give in and let the people come whenever. WRONG!! One more time I say to him: "I don't know how to say this more clearly. I DO NOT want these people coming to our house when you are not home!" So, he e-mailed them and told them they could come after 5:30 tonight.. I mean it is a week night. It makes me nervous if both the husband and the wife could come in the middle of the day.

I'm sure to him, this is nothing.... but he's a guy. Also, I've been feeling a bit more anxious lately.. Not all the time, just less trusting of people around me that I don't know.

And here's the insight part.... Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to hubby snuggling with me and he had an arm over my shoulder. In a half-asleep state, I freaked! I remember feeling trapped and smothered. I've never felt this way with him before, and it's not uncommon to wake up with one of his limbs on top of me. My guess at this point is that parts are pushing hubby away and making him less safe so the pain of him leaving next week may be met with relief instead of all pain. If his leaving "feels" safer, then it won't hurt as much to say good-bye. By default, if parts are putting hubby in a place of being 'unsafe' than strangers get catapulted to an even higher status of 'unsafe'. Thus being adamant about the Craigslist people not coming by when hubby isn't home.

How's that for a long way around to get to my small insight today. Good thing we have therapy in an hour! Lots to talk about and talk through!!!

Frustrated with myself

2011-01-17T15:56:00.005-06:00

So I'm still really struggling, and this frustrates me. I don't know if it should or not, but it does. I will say that the sad, depressive feelings fluctuate now, so that's an improvement. Actually, yesterday and today I'm finding that I going along doing pretty well, but that I am extremely sensitive to people's tones, words, and actions right now. I'm always sorta sensitive, but this is way amplified. My mind has the ability to keep things in perspective, but my heart and my gut just feel like they're getting ripped open a lot.

It's not even big things today. Our kitchen faucet broke last night, so I called our apt. managers. They in turn called the plumber who called me back about coming to fix the problem. All of that was well and good, except this plumber had an attitude with me from the get go. I don't know if it's because he was having a rough day or if he assumed I didn't know what I was talking about because I was female, but it was a difficult conversation that left me feeling frustrated because he wasn't listening to me and he was talking to me like I was an idiot. After hanging up with him, I called husband (who was at home) to let him know the repair man would be coming by before 3pm. Hubby answered the phone "Yeah?". I kinda froze on the other end b/c I didn't know how to respond. On one hand my blood was boiling and my feelings were hurt b/c he answered my phone call that way, on another I felt bad b/c it sounded like my phone call was apparently a huge inconvenience and was interrupting something very important. After hanging up the phone with hubby, my emotions tanked.... Depression, tears, lethargy.... I was feeling it all... except I was outside of Wal-Mart and still had to do the grocery shopping.

While going through the store, I prayed to God to help me change my attitude and my feelings. I quoted memorized scripture and reminded myself that I cannot control others, but I can control the way I respond.

So far the only results I've gotten is the ability to get done what needs done and hide the yucky feelings from people who don't need to see it (grocery clerk, lady at Walgreens, etc.). I'm home now. I'm working hard to pull out of this funk. I am able to talk to hubby without sounding depressed or breaking into tears every two seconds, but it truly is a battle.

I know a lot of this is just underlying emotions running rampant about husband deploying in about 10 days and that I'm just way more sensitive to everything. I also know that God found no fault in King David's laments, tears, and agony that we can find in the Psalms David's written. I mean, he was the "man after God's own heart."

However, I also find I am frustrated with myself, b/c if I was truly allowing God and the Holy Spirit to envelop me, wouldn't I be feeling his peace inside me? Wouldn't joy be more than just a mindset right now? Wouldn't I at least feel a little of it?

I have an amazing friend who continues to astonish and amaze me. She is new in her personal walk with Christ, but is constantly teaching me new things and challenging me to grow my relationship more. It's a very awesome gift she is giving me. I know she still faces a lot of struggles and there are so many unknowns in her life, but she is also full of praise because of our Savior. It kinda has me wondering where I'm missing the mark right now? I can praise God for my blessings and really mean the praises and really count my blessings, but there's not a happiness associated with it right now. There is gratitude and a humble recognition of all my blessings, but no part of me has the desire to stand on the roof tops and proclaim to the world how awesome God is and how He's moving mountains. I want to be in that place. Why can I not be in that place and face these struggles at the same time? Am I asking too much? Am I missing the mark somewhere?

Part of me says I'm being to hard on myself and God accepts me exactly where I am. I truly do believe he accepts me wherever I am, and that if this truly is my best right now, I know he is pleased with me.... But God's promises are great and true. Philippians 4:19 says "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. So, is feeling good not a need in this moment or is it a lack of truly turning this over to God?

Sometimes it's so hard for me to tell. There have been many times in my life and especially in my recovery where I am working hard and am convinced that I have turned everything over to the Lord - or at least everything in the specific area of concern. Later, however, my eyes have been opened as to how I had not truly turned everything over to him despite my best efforts to do so.

And then I think things through so much that I get myself thoroughly confused, like now. At least in this place, I know God is going to have to be in control and make things better b/c I've talked myself into so tight of a circle that I have no clue how to get out. ;)

For those of you who read this. Thanks for letting me ramble. It really helps to get things out these days without being judged for them or being told "It'll get better." I KNOW it will get better. I'm just trying to figure out how to best live this moment...

Struggling a bit today

2011-01-15T16:25:00.003-06:00

No crises here. Just struggling a little bit today. Last night was the winter formal for my husband's military brigade. It was also the final hoorah before the soldiers start deploying in 12 days. It was a wonderful evening. I had so much fun, and evenings like that always boost my patriotism and respect for not only the job my husband does but for the job that every soldier in our country does year round - whether at home or overseas.

Today the hoopla is over, and it's nice to stay in my pj's all day and just do stuff around the house. The struggle comes in b/c last night was the last big thing to anticipate and to plan for other than hubby's deployment. No more big events to look forward to... no more trips... now all of our planning and activities are based upon getting things ready for him to leave and for me to take over while I stay here. The reality of his deployment in 12 days has set in.

I've been helping out as much as I can today despite overwhelming lethargy and in between crying spells. Hubby's right when he says he's not gone yet, but now his leaving is imminent. I've also learned that my grieving tends to be more on the front end of events and less (still some)on the tail end. I will grieve his leaving more while I have him with me (and I guess somewhere deep inside hope things will change and he won't deploy) than I will after he leaves. Yes, I will be down and out for the first few days after he leaves, but I pick up the parts of our life that are mine and keep trucking. Today, though, I just want to shut down. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere. I want time to stop. I don't want to let hubby out of my sight, except he's busy getting things done and I'm struggling to get off the couch.

My daily Bible readings did help a bit today, but it's not gonna be a 180 in feelings day. I praise God that that's okay too. That can have down, blue, and off days and it doesn't mean my faith is lacking. It means I'm struggling today.

What a blessing to know I am not alone even though I feel alone in this right now. I will definitely be praying that every day up until he leaves is not a day like today, though!

I'm really glad 'blah days' are allowed. :)

Trusting the Future

2011-01-12T08:51:00.003-06:00

I am finally home from all of our traveling and slowly getting caught up on laundry, mail, and all of the other things I ignored while traveling. The trip was amazing, and I was sad to come home b/c I knew I was coming home to so many unknowns. However, I must admit that it has been nice to sleep in my own bed and be surrounded by my own things that make me feel comfortable.

Up to this point, I've coped with all of the unknowns in my life by basically ignoring them and staying busy. My current uncertainties:

1. I'm done with school but no jobs are panning out, so while I keep applying for jobs and making an effort to gain employment, I find myself avoiding conversations with my husband and friends about the topic. We can be okay financially if I don't work, but I will start to go stir crazy if I go too many weeks without some "purpose." I have batted around doing volunteer work if I don't get a job b/c it would give me a way to be involved in a helping way, but up to now I haven't had time to research volunteer options. I plan to start doing that, hopefully today, while still applying for jobs and pray that God puts me where I can be of most use.

2. My husband is deploying to Afghanistan for the 2nd time on/around Jan. 27. I have no idea what time of day he'll be leaving and if it will be a day earlier or a day later. I probably won't know until 2 or 3 days before he leaves. I don't know exactly when he'll be coming home again (approximately 6-7 months, but that could easily change to longer), and life just feels uncertain b/c of the constant danger he's in while he's deployed.

3. After hubby comes home (hopefully late summer)we'll be moving to another state for 6 months for training for him and then moving again to another location (we won't know where until 3 months into his training). So, we'll be moving twice in the next year, and half of it is unknown. With all of these moves, it makes finding a job or knowing what type of job to look for even harder. In addition, all of these moves will take me away from therapist, and while we will still be in touch, I won't be able to go to her office and sit on her red couch and talk to her.

Up until today, I've been living in the moment and avoiding thinking about the future. This is not necessarily a bad thing b/c the Lord never promised us tomorrow. However, at this point, I believe it will begin to hinder my usefulness and prevent me for good opportunities.

A good friend of mine Tempy recommended a daily devotional book to me the other day that I know has been beneficial to her over the past few months. It's called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Today's devotional fits very well with this struggle I'm having, and actually helped me to recognize that this is a bigger issue than I'm admitting. The words and Scriptures were a good reminder of who really is in control and where my focus should be.

Let me prepare you for the day that stretches out before you. I know exactly what this day will contain, whereas you have only vague ideas about it. You would like to see a map, showing all of the twists and turns of your journey. You'd feel more prepared if you could somehow visualize what is on the road ahead. However, there is a better way to be prepared for whatever you will encounter today: Spend quality time with me.

I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey. My living Presence is your Companion each step of the way. Stay in continual communication with Me, whispering My Name whenever you need to redirect your thoughts. Thus, you can walk through this day with your focus on Me. My abiding Presence is the best road map available. Exodus 33:14; John 15:4-7

Wow! Kinda steps on my toes a bit, but it's so nice to find guidance even when I still have no more clue about what the future holds for me let alone what today or tomorrow holds for me.

Anyways, just my ramblings about where I am today.

New Year's Eve

2010-12-31T16:31:00.006-06:00

Happy New Year's Eve bloggers!!!

Quick update: I did graduate with my 2nd graduate degree on Dec. 17! I am now highly educated and unemployed! Sadly, I'd say this description fits several people in the USA and around the world right now. I'm job hunting some, but my husband and I left on Dec. 22 for some holiday traveling, and it's hard to apply and interview for jobs when you're not at home.

We spent Christmas in New England with his family and are currently out in Colorado on a ski vacation with my family. Everyone but me is out shopping right now. Late Wednesday night I came down with a horrible stomach bug that lasted a full 24+ hours and even though I woke up feeling better this morning, I am still running very low on energy. My sister seems to be doing her best to make me feel like my illness is ruining her vacation..... b/c vomiting for 24 hours sure isn't ruining mine???? A new year's resolution of mine to learn how to show more love and Christ to her no matter what her attitude towards me is or how she treats me. Since I have some alone time where I feel well enough to blog, I thought I'd just say hi. I've finished crying and feeling sorry for myself that my family has been so unsupportive this go round.

Some of it is that I want so desperately to feel well and be on top of my game. Hubby is set to deploy again on Jan. 27, and I want to take advantage of every moment I have with him right now. This is hard to do when you're either stuck in bed or stuck leaning over the porcelain throne. I'm definitely feeling more sensitive emotionally, so that's probably why I'm more sensitive than usual to my family's remarks or lack of supportive remarks.

At least hubby and I are rounding out our travels next week with 5 days (just the two of us) in Mexico. And, if I had to get sick, I'm really glad it's this week and not next week.

Since this is New Years Eve, what would a blog post be without sharing at least a few of my New Year's resolutions?:

1. Get a job or at least volunteer work in the Counseling field - no more wasting time on school or jobs that don't allow me to do what I feel God is calling me to do.
2. Eat healthier (not dieting, just healthy food) and exercise regularly. Hubby wants us both to do P90X while he's deployed and something that will be good for us and we can still do together apart. I would love to do this and plan to give it a go, but I think I'm setting myself up to fail that I don't see either of us lasting more than 30 days... If I stay unemployed, then I'll at least have plenty of time to get it done.. LOL
3. Spend more time growing a more intimate relationship with God and being more serious about committing scripture to memory. I also want to spend more time in conversations with friends I can encourage and who can encourage me to grow in our walks with Christ.
4. Continue to learn to be a better wife.
5. Continue to learn and believe of my worth in Christ and stop apologizing for deficits I feel I have that Christ has covered.

I'm sure there will be several more. I seem to have many goals for this upcoming year - most involve internal changes, but this is a start.

I hope 2011 is a great year for each of you and that we may all grow and enjoy this life we've been given more than we have in the past. Life is definitely a roller coaster, but it's a pretty awesome ride if you're strapped in right and holding on tight.

Happy New Years!!!!!

Super Sonic Speed

2010-12-10T18:46:00.003-06:00

Yes, that is the pace I feel my life is moving at right now. Not only have I not blogged since before Thanksgiving, but I'm not even finding time in my life to keep up with dear friends that I deeply care about. There is somewhat of an end in sight.

Today was my last day at my internship. I defend my thesis this coming Tuesday and graduate next Friday. Whew! School will be done and that will be a huge relief!!!!

My birthday was last weekend and while I had a blast and did a ton of cool things, I am glad it is over this year so I can rest. I am incredibly sleep deprived and hormonal (not a good combination - well, for anyone I suppose). My husband volunteered to stay home with me tonight for dinner before going out with the guys, and I almost started crying when I looked at him and said "But if you stay home, then I have to cook." I had been looking forward all day to not having to cook tonight. He just assumed I'd be cooking for myself and that he would be doing me a favor by spending part of the night with me. LOL! My dinner tonight was a peanut butter sandwich, and I'm pretty thrilled to be at home alone and NOT have to be doing anything. It's also nice b/c hubby is just out with the guys and not away at a training. He'll be home by bedtime. :) I can't wait until the day when it's our norm where he can go out and still comes home at night rather than the occasional exception.

Anyways, between trying to finish my thesis, celebrate my birthday, being a good wife, and finish up my internship hours, there just haven't seemed to be enough hours in the day.

On top of that I found out on Tuesday that I didn't get the job I interviewed for that I really wanted. I do trust that it means God has a better job he wants me in right now, but it was still disappointing. I did interview for another job yesterday, but after learning more about the position, I can't take it even if they offer it to me. Through my own healing, I've found as a counselor that I can work with most populations of people. I am a good counselor and have overcome my own issues enough that I am even able to work with abuse victims and keep my own stuff separate from theirs. However, I am still not ready nor am I sure I will ever be able to work with abusers. I understand many abusers are just doing behaviors they learned b/c they were abused, but it doesn't make enough of a difference internally right now for me to decide I'm okay being around that population doing therapy with them. I am soooooooooooooooo happy there are people out there who feel called to do this and who are willing and able to help those who want the help. I'm also learning, it's okay and not a deficit in me for me to admit that is not where I can help.

So, next Friday I'm graduating with my second graduate degree, have no job lined up, and no leads for potential jobs. My heart knows that God is in control and all will be okay. He has never failed me. But my mind is a planner and is goal oriented. Not having the ability to make any plans past next Friday or any goals that I'm striving for does not jive with my natural goals and desires. But then again, not much of human nature does jive with what God calls us to and with the gifts he promises us. God always teaches me so much when everything is out of my control and after the fact, I am always thankful. His plans are ALWAYS greater and better than mine. However, I do wish I could learn to keep this trust and faith in him all of the time instead of having to be forced into situations where I really am out of coming up with my own options to rely on God.

This life thing is so hard, confusing, and totally awesome at the same time! Who ever thought I'd reach a point in my life where my main frustrations are that I'm not sure what my new goals are going to be or what I'm supposed to do with myself? I'm not still just trying to figure out how and why to live another day? I'm trying to figure out how to live life well and fully. As much as this sucks right now, it's totally awesome at the same time!!!!!

Okay, I've rambled enough. I'm traveling lots over the holidays but I really do enjoy blogging so I hope to get back into the routine of it soon.

Anger

2010-11-22T15:37:00.003-06:00

I don't have a ton of time right now, and I also think I'm probably not in the best frame of mind to blog right now because it will probably come out as a rant and rave... more than just a vent. I'm likely to type and publish things now that I will regret later b/c I am so angry.

More than anything, I just felt it important to blog that I AM ANGRY. Anger is a feeling most of us inside have always avoided at all costs. It's a scary feeling. It's an uncomfortable feeling. There is nothing about it I like. Many time in my life, anger was not displayed appropriately, and I think only recently am I/are we learning how anger can be felt and expressed in a healthy manner.

Some of the things I am angry about, I have every right to be angry about. I do not think I am overreacting in the least. Other things I am angry about, by themselves, would not warrant this strong of a feeling, but right now they're piggy-backing on top of the other things that are making angry.... like adding more fuel to the fire.

While I am controlling myself, externally, things feel out of control internally. There's this boiling feeling in my stomach, and I have a feeling similar to indigestion in my chest. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, and I have more energy in my arms than I know what to do with. I want to lash out at someone, but I know that won't make me feel any better.

In fact, I'm so afraid of saying something I'll regret, I can't even blog about the things that have me so upset right now. All I can do is blog about my experience of feeling anger. I have therapy in 30 minutes and I'm praying it will help me sort some stuff out, so they at least won't feel so out of control inside.

I also want to tease things out so that I do take action on the things I need to, but that I do so in an appropriate way, and in a way that helps the situation and doesn't just release the feelings welling up inside of me.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *Silent screams* for now at least...

Still breathing

2010-11-11T21:43:00.003-06:00

This past week has been one for the birds!! If it could go wrong, it has gone wrong. God is faithful and He is meeting all my needs. But I am emotionally drained, physically tired, and just want my husband home. I want life to slow down, I want a time-out. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to deal with the stupid management company. I want to call my therapist and continue to process this week. But I just talked to her this morning.. Besides, it's way too late to call her for a non-crisis situation. I just feel crappy. I need a vacation.

I need sleep. I should go to bed.

Why Gray is Better than Really Bad

2010-11-07T15:21:00.002-06:00

Over the past week, I've received a couple of not so subtle reminders that the "gray" space I've been living in really is better than where I used to be. Gray is hard and uncomfortable, and I feel confused a lot. But most days it's not gut-wrenching, turn my stomach inside out, uncontrollable tears, depression, etc.

This past week I've been experiencing some of those feelings from a really bad place. They're not so bad I'm considering self-injuring or anything like that, but they are definitely worse than anything I have felt for awhile and they continue on going and dull - even when I get really distracted.

My hubby left Thursday morning for a 10 day pre-deployment trip to Afghanistan. I'm praying it's only 10 days anyways. Saying good-bye to him when he's going into a war zone is so much harder than saying good-bye to him when he's going to training. That evening I picked up a dear friend of mine who had the whole bottom fall out from under her this week. I feel so blessed to have her here with me a bit and do what I can to help. She is not draining on me because of anything she is or is not doing, but I care about her so much that I'm drained emotionally regarding all of my feelings about her situation - none of which are her fault. Her situation, while very different, has been a strong reminder to me of Dr. M's abandonment of me almost 7 years ago. I thought I had dealt with most of our feelings around that event, and most of the time I never think about it all. Now I find myself partially reliving those feelings I had with her and then wanting to transfer my feelings onto those who have unintentionally hurt my friend so deeply.

In addition, Saturday I met with the company who is managing my husband's rental property and it was a disaster. This company is so incompetent. What good does it do to have a management company if you have to manage the management company? It's totally stuff I can handle, but now is really not the time to have to fool with this mess too. I really would like to scream and run and hide until all of this blows over.

I know I say this a lot lately, but praise God for my therapist. I haven't talked to her since Thursday, but just knowing that she is there and that she is my anchor through all of this really helps. I know I can go into her office tomorrow evening and cry about all of this - my husband, my friend, my feelings, and I don't have to guard anything I say for fear of offending someone or being misunderstood.

It's amazing how much you remember yet forget when you don't feel in crisis mode all of the time anymore. I forgot just exactly how hard it was to concentrate. I forgot what it's like to use every ounce of energy to be where you're supposed to be when all you really want to do is crawl up in a ball and cry and sleep.

I wouldn't have my friend anywhere else in the world than here with me right now. I am so honored to be able to offer her whatever support I can. I think I finally understand what it's like to have someone you love so much hurt sooo deeply. It hurts you really deeply too and you feel helpless b/c there's only so much you can do to help the other person. I do wish my husband was here to be a rock for me, but I have God and he is bigger than all of these situations.

Who know I'd ever write that I think I might prefer the gray after these past several days?? Think I'm going to count this as progress.

More Gray

2010-10-21T21:03:00.003-05:00

This week the "gray" that we're trying to navigate invaded our feelings regarding our relationship with therapist. Not because she changed in any way, but because we are still grossly insecure in apparently the most secure relationships.

With every therapist we've ever had (minus inpatient ones), we've always been the therapist's most acute client. We've been the client in crisis all of the time, the one needing the most help outside of sessions, etc. These are not things we're so much proud of, but they have been definite identifiers that, in our mind, caused us to stick out to our therapists. Sometimes it's meant we got extra attention from the therapist and sometimes it's meant the therapist has dropped us b/c we were "too much to handle." It has never been a fun or pleasant place to be, but no matter what the situation, it was easy to see that our therapist could not just consider us "another client", "another paycheck", another "hour blocked off on the calendar". In a morbid sort of way this acuity made us feel special and noticed.

We've been with current therapist for almost 4 1/2 years. She's seen us at our worst and she's seen us at our best (so far). She has been unwavering in her commitment to us and care for us. She truly has been a gift straight from God in our lives. Still we found ourselves in a panic this week full of fear that we would begin to disappear off her radar since we weren't acute anymore. We feared being "replaced" by a new client that may come in who was more acute or more needy than us. It seems despite everything she has done for us, we still look at things as though she is only helping us b/c we're broken. And we are far from well, but we're mending. So, if we're not completely broken, will she still want to put the same effort and care into us? It's as though there is a wall that prevents us from seeing that she cares about us and helps us just b/c we are and not based on how bad we are. It is so hard to believe that she will stick with us as long as we want her to b/c she wants to b/c she cares about us as a human and a person.

Someone inside asked her why she was so good to us tonight. Why she doesn't think about leaving us? Everyone else in her position has always bailed when they've had the chance. How can she know so much about us and still want to be around us? She doesn't have to now b/c we're not in a life or death place anymore. Yet she's choosing to stay.

She is a saint b/c in therapy today she had to reassure us over and over again that she wasn't going anywhere. That we don't lose our importance or significance in her life b/c we're no longer acute or always in crisis. She is being so incredibly patient as we fumble around and try to figure out how we fit in this world and into therapy as we are now...... not constantly in crisis and not free from PTSD triggers and all the like associated with trauma.

Have I mentioned lately that I hate gray?? Black and white may be painful but it makes sense and is easy to understand. The vast grayness that lies between despair and "better" is not life threatening but brings with it it's own pains and struggles and anxieties. Most days I am keenly aware that it is a much better place than where we were, but other days (more than not lately) I just feel so lost and like I'm stumbling around in the dark hoping I'm still going in the right direction.

Praise God that I'm not on this journey alone!!!

Living in the Gray

2010-10-13T18:48:00.003-05:00

Living in the Gray.... This has become our new norm (which is good but very uncomfortable). We no longer live in constant crises state where self-injury is the norm and the goal is just to survive the day. We no longer feel our insides constantly screaming with pain. BUT things are not all better. We are not completely free from our past. We still hold pain inside. Sometimes it's severe and scary and other times it's rather mild. And some days we actually just feel good.

This vascilating place from good to severe and mostly bouncing around somewhere inbetween does NOT fit into our typical black and white thinking. There is PTSD and there is better. That's it! Now, as soon as I read what I just typed I know how rediculous it sounds. Of course there's an inbetween! And lots of steps and places inbetween. And how does one even define what "better" really looks like or feels like?

In a different way, living in this gray of being a "work in progress" is just as challenging as living in constant crisis. It's not a life-threatening place, so my mind tells me it should be less difficult, but my emotions and the struggles that come tell me differently.

It is so AWESOME to not loathe every day of life anymore and to actually enjoy participating in life. I don't regret the place we've come to at all. I guess I just didn't anticipate the gray between crisis and better to be so vast! Right now I feel like I'm living in two worlds simultaneously. My internal world that is growing and healing but still full of many unhealed and untouched hurts and my external world with a husband, friends, school, job hunting, and other responsibilities. Some days it feels things flow pretty smoothly and other days I feel like I'm riding some cosmic roller coaster ride where it's an accomplishment just to hang on all day.

In addition, I'm finding it very difficult to distinguish what are normal life ups and downs that are to be expected and what are trauma/DID related issues that may need extra attention or processing.

I'm sure most of this boils down to the fact that I'm thinking too much and trying to figure out more than I have to have figured out. But I guess having DID, I've spent most of my life trying to figure things out to just stay on top of things. Forget getting ahead...

Can I hope I'm just trying harder than I have to these days? ;)

Slowly calming down

2010-10-06T19:02:00.002-05:00

Well I finally have 2 seconds to blog again.. Yay!

Things inside are slowly calming down and settling from the raw emotional roller coaster that started about 2 weeks ago. I'm still emotional, but then when am I not emotional? haha! I can tell things are improving though because I dropped husband off yesterday morning to go away for training for 3 weeks, and I didn't bawl my eyes out.

Things are slowing down a bit in my external life too. Tomorrow through Monday is Fall break. I'm planning to spend the majority of the time working on my research thesis. It's the only thing other than my current internship that I have to finish before graduating in December. Even though I'll have plenty to keep me busy, I'm excited to get to work on my schedule and at my pace. And to SLEEP in!!!! I feel so sleep deprived.

Not much else that I feel like deeply delving into at the moment. Just wanted to say that I am getting a break in the overtly raw emotions for the time being. God is so good!!!!

Still kicking

2010-09-30T16:23:00.005-05:00

Just wanted to take a few minutes to post that I'm still here putting one foot in front of the other. Things have calmed down a little bit from last week, but I'm still dealing with very raw emotions, and feelings of vulnerability and instability that are higher than normal for me.

I've gotten to see hubby more this week, and that's been helpful. Still fighting with the insurance company to pay for therapy and hubby is still leaving for 3 weeks next Tuesday for training, but we have fun weekend plans, so I'm trying to stay focused on that.

We admitted to therapist yesterday that we don't "feel" safe right now. Not unsafe in the sense that we're afraid we'll hurt ourselves, but no place feels like a safe haven right now. I put "feel" in quotation marks because my rational mind knows that we're not safe. My therapist calls this "classic" PTSD. I don't know whether to be reassured or demoralized by that. I guess it doesn't really matter. I keep reassuring us that we are safe, but it doesn't seem to lessen the feelings. At least for the moment they're not too overwhelming. I know parts of me are feeling desperate though b/c they're using the fact that my weight is about 5 lbs. higher than what my optimum weight is as an excuse to restrict eating and over-exercise. My mind knows these things are bad for me and can remember that, at least for me, there is a direct correlation in getting enough nutrients and my depression levels. However, that rationality and knowledge is NOT as strong as the desires to act on these feelings and impulses. The only thing keeping this relatively under control right now is sheer will power and the desire to not get back into a really bad place.

Last night I awoke in a panicked stated with my husband asking me if I was okay. I have no idea what I was dreaming about. He left before I got up this morning, so I look forward to getting his take on things tonight.

On one hand, I still feel like we have a good grip on things and with therapist's help, this can stay very manageable (even though it won't be easy)and will even improve with time. On the other hand, I find myself praying that God can just help me stave off a total meltdown until after the first of the year. Then I can finish my internship and graduate with another blasted graduate degree that I may never use, and possibly see husband off on deployment without him having to see me at my lowest where no part of me rational.

All I know for sure right now is that I have control over my choices today, and what I need to focus on is what I can do to make smart, healthy choices right now. *Sigh*

It really sucks being back in one-day-at-a-time modality.

Runaway train

2010-09-23T16:40:00.003-05:00

My life feels like a runaway train right now. So much has changed, is changing, and is going to change, and it all feels out of my control. Now, I realize lots of things in my life are always out of my control, but lately I seem to be grasping for anything that I can have say-so over. In fact, it's getting so bad that I caught myself restricting my food intake yesterday. I made myself eat once I realized what I was doing, b/c I DO NOT want to go back down that road again, but I'm finding it really hard. Going to the grocery store today about caused a panic attack and all of the food looked disgusting. I'm also having self-injury impulses again. I haven't acted out or really even come close, but it's major sirens inside that I'm even having the impulses.

The military changes my husband's plans, schedule, away training dates, home training dates, deployment date every other day. He reacts and responds much better than me. Sure he gets frustrated, but without a trauma history and 6+ years of military life, he rolls with the punches much better than I do. I hope I get better with time, and I probably can with the military stuff.... but I don't know how to overcome the fear and anxiety that comes from feeling no control over anything in my life and not being able to talk to my husband about it b/c he's always working, my parents about it b/c they freak out and think I'm on a downward spiral again, or most friends b/c they just don't get it.

I'm really missing Tempy right now. She's where she needs to be and is getting an awesome chance for growth and experience, but she's my go to person. Only getting to talk to her for 15 minutes once a week is hard when we used to talk several hours a week. It's a compliment to how awesome she is that I miss her so much, and I know she is exactly where she needs to be and where God wants her to be... I just doesn't help my selfish wish to have her listening ear available right now. I know how God was using her before going to Mercy Ministries, and I am truly excited to see how he will continue to use her when she graduates.

Anyways, it just really sucks to walk around all of the time with your insides screaming "I'm in pain! I need help!" and on the outside still going to my internship and appearing to be fine and have it altogether. It's very reminiscent of the dark valley we were in for so many years and have only experienced some relief from over the past 2 years.

I wish I could hit a pause button on life just long enough to process everything in my mind and all of these emotions and feel like my head is well above water again. But there is no "pause" button or "easy" button.... so I guess it's just one foot in front of the other until this too passes.

Is there a pause button??

2010-09-20T20:36:00.002-05:00

There is so much I want to blog about and have been trying to find the time to say. However, right now, my life seems to be moving 100 miles a minute and most of them take me away from the internet.

Hubby is working nights the next 3 nights, so hopefully I'll have time to get a couple of my posts out then. I miss my blog friends and I hope each of you are doing well.

Look for updates very very soon!

My best to all!!
Bravehearts

Middle School Drama

2010-09-02T16:00:00.004-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Getting used to working (even if it is an unpaid internship) and being a wife has taken up most of my free time. I've had lots of thoughts that I've wanted to blog about swirling through my head lately, but finding the time to sit down and type them out has been a much larger challenge than I anticipated. Maybe I'll find time over the long weekend to catch up on some of them, but for right now, I'm going to go where my mind has been today.

I am currently doing my internship in the guidance department at a local middle school. I've seen just about everything in the short month I've been here so far. I've called Department of Children Services for a child whose mother is neglectful. I've called mobile crisis to assess a child who was suicidal in my office. I've talked to parents, teachers, and other school staff about academic and emotional issues.

Most days, thankfully, are not intense home issues or safety issues with my students. Most are girl drama, someone starting rumors, girls fighting over guys, guys fighting over girls, guys fighting just to fight, etc....

Being in middle school working has gotten me thinking back to my middle school days. I'm sure the same drama was going on when I was in middle school, but apparently I was living in my own internal world back then. I remember walking into the bathroom one time and there were 2 girls smoking. They asked me if I was a "nark". At the time I had no clue what a nark was, but I told them I wouldn't tell on them. That is the most drama I remember from middle school.

I remember being totally involved and in love with gymnastics (most of the time). I remember feeling a dysthymic level of depression even back then. I remember having a decent group of girlfriends to hang out with and getting my school work done. I remember thinking boys were cute but having no desire to date them.

When I watch these kids in middle school now and all the drama they either cause or are involved in, it makes me wonder if I was so dissociative back then (even when I was not aware of other parts) that I just missed things going on around me? In fact, most of my life, I tend to stay on the low-side of drama when possible. I'm pretty oblivious to most things going with rumor mills or who's doing what. Most of the time I'm really glad. I've got enough drama in my own life. I really don't like to be involved in others.

I guess I just got to thinking today what middle school would have been like had my head been boring enough for me to care about who was dating whom, who might be pregnant, what girl thought what about another girl, etc? I watch these kids and I know it's hard being in middle school; but I can't help but wish that those were the biggest drama things in my life back then. It also makes me sad to realize that there probably weren't really times in my life when I was talking, speaking, reacting and responding normally to life around me.

Lately it seems these subtle realizations of things current and past are more reaffirming of the abuse than any of the major memories that we've spent a lot of time trying to process. I guess it makes sense, but it still makes me want to say "blah."

Hubby's coming home today!!

2010-08-22T16:22:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to write a quick post to say hi and that I'm hanging in there. Insurance is still up in the air about covering T, but I'm choosing to be thankful that it's still up in the air. Last week, I thought the book was closed on the topic of insurance paying, but now there's a slight chance again we can work things out. *Fingers crossed!!!*

Hubby's coming home from a month long training today! I'm so excited!! I've missed him so much!!! But that might mean it's a few days before I get to blog again. I want to spend time with him to make up for the past month and with both of us working right now, my blog might take a hit for a week or so. Once we're back into a routine, I hope to start blogging again. I find I miss it when I don't blog for awhile, but lately finding a time to blog has been challenging as well.

Anyways, I'm around. Plugging along, and making myself still work towards more complete healing. Thanks for keeping up with me. It really means more than I can say!

First impressions

2010-08-18T22:00:00.003-05:00

First impressions are an interesting thing. I like to think my first impression of people is right most of the time and people's first impression about me is as well. Occasionally I am reminded of how important it is that first impressions not be final judgments.

This time I was on the opposite side. A current supervisor told me today that when he met me last Spring, he didn't like me very much. His impression of me was that I was a know-it-all and who acted like I didn't have anything to learn. On the contrary, I remember those first few days feeling very incompetent and unqualified, forced into a situation where I was asked to do a job without training b/c they all assumed I knew what I was doing. I felt like I had to fight to get them to understand I needed training. A master's degree in a similar field doesn't mean I know how to do a job with a different population.

How curious that his impression of me was that I was a know-it-all when I felt I knew nothing and my first impression of him was a supervisor who didn't care to teach me and just wanted me to do his work for him to keep me out of his way.

This go round, I feel I know more about what I'm doing and the best way to handle situations and he is now a great supervisor and is teaching me so much. I think we might even be friends. ;)

Most of today all I could focus on what the negative impression he had of me at first and I was so disappointed in myself for portraying that. As I've spent time thinking about it this evening, I've realized that because of my degrees they had expectations of me before I walked through the door and there's a very good possibility Hannah went to my practicum for me that first week due to how insecure I felt about starting the practicum.

So very thankful that in this situation, the first impression wasn't the lasting impression and both supervisor and I have given each other the chance to recognize that we're both pretty cool people with the same goals.

Stuff like this just gets me thinking....

Circles in my Head

2010-08-16T21:56:00.003-05:00

The past few days I feel like my head keeps getting caught in this circular thinking that results in a rollercoaster of emotions riding through my stomach and streaming down my face. Nothing that horrible has happened, yet at moments I feel like my life has come to a stop and the world is ending.

I recognize that these are triggered feelings based on current frustrating events. In therapy on Friday and today, I was able to talk about what I was feeling and identify what about the situation felt so triggering. It all makes sense, but understanding why doesn't make me feel any better.

As of Friday, my insurance denied to pay for my therapy. Therapist is 45 minutes too far South so she is considered out of network. There is still more than one option to work out ways I can continue to see therapist and it be affordable, so the majority of my feelings don't revolve around fear of losing therapist. My feelings start by being ticked at insurance company because they won't pay for something I need and deserve. Then I get pissed at Him for hurting us in the first place and getting away scott-free while we spend thousands of dollars in therapy to try to get our life back. Then I get pissed at husband b/c his job has had him away for 3 weeks and he'll be away for another week, and I've had virtually no contact with him, so I can't talk to him about this, my feelings, finances, etc. Then I get pissed that I still need therapy and is it even worth all of the hassle? Then I'm pissed at the whole world including myself. All of this leaves me wanting to crawl under a rock and never come out... to lie down and quit trying...

Then I calm down. I realize this issue with insurance is not the end of the world. I step back and look at how many good things I still have in my life and how blessed I am. I think about how I've walked through much harder things and come out just fine. I remember that God is in control and while he never promised me an easy road on this planet, He did promise me that I will overcome because of Him. I am convicted that lying down and giving up at this point is not an option. I've come too far and I still have further to go. So, I pick myself up. Go to my internship. Have dinner with friends and live. I'm currently sitting with a low level of depression and a deep level of sadness all of the time, but it is not debilitating.

Then, one little thing happens and the overwhelming feelings and thoughts start up again, everything blows up again, and I'm back to wishing I could go to sleep forever. I stick it out, calm down, think clearly again and get productive for a bit.

This is my cycle the past few days (minus the weekend when I just dissociated and contained all of this b/c you can't do anything about insurance over the weekend). I don't know how many more days this will be my cycle. It totally sucks!!!!! But I am sooooooooooo thankful I am cycling and not just staying in the difficult place.

This too shall pass. I just gotta keep myself from doing anything irrational during the rough spots and make my big decisions during times when I'm in the space to make big decisions responsibly.

Healing is a bear....

Recovering

2010-08-06T16:30:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm finally starting to get over this cold. Whew! 100 degree temperatures and starting my internship this week is not a good combination when your body decides to get a cold. I'm physically exhausted this afternoon, but feeling much more emotionally stable than yesterday.

I thought once I got on to husband's insurance, things would be a lot easier in getting sessions approved to see therapist and I could stop paying out of pocket to see her. Boy, was I wrong! Apparently, I have an unlimited amount of sessions (which is cool) but they don't want to pay for me to see therapist b/c even though she takes my insurance she's technically out of network b/c I'm considered in the North network and she's considered to be in the South network. Her office is 40 miles from where I live. There is NO DID/PTSD therapist closer than that. Plus, I don't know any details, but I know therapist sees other clients who have my exact insurance so I know they can make this approval for me.

Normally, I'm used to the insurance run around, and I'm up for the challenge, but yesterday I was just over it. I was tired of fighting them, tired of my drama, and spent most of my session telling therapist while she should be tired of me too. Thankfully this was just my overreacting and irrationality and she is not tired of me and found it ridiculous that I would even suggest such.

In all honesty, I think the thing that hit me the hardest was the realization of how much I still need therapy and still need therapist. Many days I'm functioning well and even find myself wondering if I still need to see therapist twice a week and if I'm using the time wisely. I am aware and still acknowledge all of the progress we've made to move out of crisis/stabilization stage into a real working/healing life productive stage. But I guess sometimes I want to think this stage means I need less help or it will be less difficult. In reality, it's just difficult in a different way. 99% of the time it's a very manageable place to be in, but then I still have days like yesterday where it feels like the whole world is ending, and I can't do things one more day. The positive side is that typically I can sleep off the "world is ending" feeling and pick up and go on with life the next day. That's a HUGE difference and positive step forward that we've taken.

Healing is still baby steps.... I just gotta remember that to keep frustration levels down.

On a very positive note. I got to hear from husband today for the first time in 4 days!! Only 2 1/2 more weeks and he'll be home again. I never knew I could miss him this much. I'm going to consider that a very good thing that I am missing him. :)

Around

2010-08-03T12:10:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to say that I'm around. Went out of town over the weekend and didn't have internet service. Now I have a cold, so I'm not up to writing much. Therapy's been pretty tough this past week, but I am pleased that we're hanging in there rather well so far. Hopefully I'll continue to be pleasantly surprised in this department.

My internship for school starts up in a couple of days, so I'm using the engergy I do have right now to get things ready for that and finish up other things I've been needing to work on for awhile.

We've survived one week of husband being gone. Only 3 more to go!!! Thankfully, a dear friend is coming in town this weekend and staying with me for a whole week! I know she says it's b/c she needs a vacation from her life (I totally believe her), but I don't know that she knows what a huge blessing it will be to me to just not be alone for a week. Plus, it's gonna be awesome getting to spend time with her!!

Okay. Time for lunch, more cold medicine, and back to work.

This is Who I Am

2010-07-28T16:40:00.003-05:00

My last several posts have dealt with 8 lies that many trauma survivors believe as a result of satan's lies. And while I took time in each of those to refute those lies, I thought it might be good to wrap up this little segment putting all of the truths together.

THIS IS WHO I AM

Regarded
I am a friend of the Almighty God of heave and earth. (John 15:15)
Jesus is not ashamed to call me his sister/brother. (Hebrews 2:11)
I am chosen by God, holy and without fault in His eyes. (Ephesians 1:4)
I am an heir to the riches of the Creator of the universe. (Galatians 4:7)

Important
I have been rightly called a child of God. (John 1:12)
God has made me His salt and light in the world. (Matthew 5:13-14)
I am an eternal being and will never perish. (John 3:16)

Forgiven
I am no longer condemned. (Romans 8:1)
I have been justified before the righteous Judge. (Romans 5:1)
I am at peace with God. (Romans 5:1)
God no longer remembers my sins. (Hebrews 10:17)

Valued
God loves me with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)
I am God's temple, bought at a great price. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
God knows, chose, called, justified, and glorified me. (Romans 8:29-30)

Accepted
I am accepted in Christ. (Ephesians 1:6)
I am a chosen, costly, living stone in God's building. (1 Peter 2:4-5)
I have bold, unrestricted access to God's throne of grace. (Hebrews 4:16)

Powerful
God has given me the spirit of power, love and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
God's Spirit in me is greater than any unholy spirits in the world. (1 John 4:4)
I am born of God and believe in Jesus - I'm a world-overcomer. (1 John 5:4-5)

Lovable
I am loved by God and nothing will keep us apart. (Romans 8:38-39)
I am loved supremely - enough for God to die for me. (John 15:13)
I am loved unconditionally, even when I sin. (Romans 5:8)

Connected
I am intimately attached to Christ and bearing fruit. (John 15:5)
I am a member of God's eternal family. (Galatians 3:26)
Christ is as close to me as my heart and lungs. (Galatians 2:20)
I am part of Christ's body with millions of brothers & sisters. (1 Corinthians 12:27)
I am an eternal member of God's Kingdom and household. (Ephesians 2:19)

Therapy

2010-07-27T17:31:00.003-05:00

I admitted in therapy today that I've basically been bringing BS stuff to talk about to session for the past few weeks. I didn't know I was even going there today, and I wanted to kick myself the minute I said it. Therapist is so great about letting me talk about whatever I need to - big or small. But if she finds out the smaller stuff or maybe a better term is the stuff I could just talk to friends and family about to sessions as a means of avoiding other stuff, she gets really good at calling me on my BS. ugh!

I feel stuck in a Catch 22 right now that I never anticipated. On the one hand, it's so nice to feel good more often than I feel bad, to only "ride the crazy train" occassionally and usually only for a few hours at a time, to be free of self-injury impulses, to be able to think clearly and live in the present mentally and emotionally. On the other hand, there is much unfinished business with some parts inside that got put on hold last summer when I got engaged b/c the topic of marriage, guys, sex, and fears surrounding all of those issues to precedence. Those were absolutely not a waste of therapy sessions. Without that hard work on those issues, I don't think married life would be going as smoothly as it is right now with far fewer triggers than I ever anticipated.

Now, however, those issues have been worked with and are under control, so the natural course of action would be to go back to the stuff that got put on the back burner for awhile in order to continue in the healing process for all parts inside. Just the thought of this scares the sh*t out of me! I had the same reaction today with therapist that I had with husband a week or so ago when he asked if I was still planning to get off of my anti-depressant. It's not that I don't want to continue to get better or be med free, but right now both of those options send panic through my entire body that I'm going to struggle again like we were from 2003-2008. My brain says, I can't go through that again!!!!!

As therapist reminded me though, if I ingore the pain of other parts and make them feel they are not allowed to have a voice anymore, the repercussions may be much worse. Someone may store up their energy and take over b/c they can't just keep holding on anymore. I could find myself in an unanticipated crisis situation just from ignoring parts inside. Therapist thinks that while it's going to be crazy tough, I'm not necessarily bound for suicidal alley again as we work through another part's issues. She says my hope and strength from coming through my stuff can feed into them just as their emotions feed into me. I pray that she's right.

So now, here I sit feeling stuck. I continue on as I have been and I feel good but I definitely risk an uprising inside, or I start back into the difficult work that can be so overwhelming trying to keep the mindset that the goal is to get all parts "to the other side" of their trauma. Catch 22.

For the past week I've been posting Lies that satan tells trauma victims. Everything I've been posting is from my heart and I believe it to be true. The problem with DID is that I don't even have all of myself on board into believing it's true. It's like witnessing about Christ to 19 different people at one time except they're all in your head and they're all skeptical. I know God is the only reason I made it to this okay place, and now my challenge is to help them see that God will carry other parts of me through as well. While in the meantime, being a wife, a friend, going to work, and wanting to minister to people outside of my head.

God can do all things. I do not doubt that for one second. What I doubt are parts of me accepting that when all they've known is truama. And to do memory work again without God seems wreckless. How does anyone heal from their trauma without God? But I know I'm getting to a point where it can't continue to sit on the back burner anymore.

Lie # 8 - Separated

2010-07-27T11:52:00.002-05:00

Lies of the enemy:
1. You are alone and you should stay that way.
2. No one wants you around.
3. You shouldn't be such a bother to other people.
4. People wish you weren't here.
5. You should go someplace else.

Your true identity: CONNECTED

And you are connected in two realms...

CONNECTED TO GOD:

John 15:5 - I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.

Jesus' picture of our connectedness to him views us as branches fed by him and fused together with him. His connectedness to us is what allows us to show others him and be the people we want to be.

Galatians 3:26 - For you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus.

Assuming you had a healthy relationship with your parents or you are now a parent of your own, you understand the connection between a child and his/her parents. If you are a parent, you understand the unconditional love that you feel for your child and a connection to that child that cannot be explained. As children of God, he feels that same connectedness to us that never changes on his end and he is always longing for that connectedness with us.

Galatians 2:20 - I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.

I don't know a way to be more connected to Christ than to have him living in you.

CONNECTED TO THE BODY OF CHRIST - OTHER CHRISTIANS:

1 Corinthians 12:27 - All of you together are Christ's body, and each of you is a part of it.

If you read this chapter more fully, it goes on to talk about how we are not all the same part of Christ's body b/c we all have different talents and gifts. However, a body only functions well when all members are present and connected. It works the same with a body of Christians. Your brothers and sisters in Christ can provide encouragement and help to you and also give you an opportunity to return the favor.. to challenge and encourage one another. If you're not in a place where you can have a congregational church family, keep in mind that all Christians are your brothers and sisters and you can reach out via phone, e-mail, Skype, etc. In my own opinion, this connectedness is only second to that of your connection with Christ. Who better to support your and spur you along than others who are striving for the same connectedness with Christ?

Ephesians 2:19 - You are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household.

God has made us citizens in his eternal world and called us members of his household. What greater connectedness could we ask for?

You are NOT alone or disconnected. Through Christ you are more connected than you can ever imagine!

Lie # 7 - Unlovable

2010-07-26T19:58:00.003-05:00

Lies of the enemy:
1. Who would ever love you?
2. You're so ugly and boring.
3. You are beyond being loved, by God, by your family, or by anyone.
4. You really have no redeeming qualities.
5. If people knew the real you, they'd hate you.

This lie is something I struggled with even after husband proposed to me. I've always had such a fear that if anyone got to know the "real me", there is no way they could love me. I questioned him all the time to make sure he didn't feel I was somehow "tricking" him into marry me. I've felt this way with most relationships in my life. I think it's why I work overtime to be "likable" to everyone. Time and time again husband, therapist, and a few friends have proven to me that they still love me even in my most 'unlovable' moments.

If humans are capable of such unconditional love, how much more does our heavenly Father love us no matter what???

Your true identity: LOVABLE

Romans 8:38,39 - For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

These two verses list 10 things that CANNOT separate us from the love God has for us. Reading over this list it reminds me of the no loop holes safety contracts I used to have to make when I was greatly struggling with self-injury. Except in this case, it's a no loop holes God loves us unconditionally and forever.

John 15:13 - Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

Romans 5:8 - But God shows His great love for us in this way: Christ died for us while we were still sinners.

There are a few people on this planet that I love deeply enough I would gladly lay down my life for them and a few others that I would lay my life down for (maybe just not as gladly ;) ). I honestly don't know that I would lay my life down for a stranger, someone who treated me horribly, or someone who wasn't even born yet. But this is exactly what Jesus did. He loved each of us so much, he chose to die for our sins despite us not existing yet, despite the sins we as humans will naturally commit, and whether or not we choose to accept him. He loves us so much that he died for us whether we choose to love him back or not.

Zephaniah 3:17 - For the Lord your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty Savior. He will give you victory. He will rejoice over you with great gladness; He will love you and not accuse you. Is that a joyous choir I hear? No, it is the Lord Himself exulting over you in happy song.

Again, numerous things in this verse that the Lord does out of love for us: live among us, give us victory, rejoice over us, love us, not accuse us, exult over us.

I know I will never fully grasp it, but understanding God's unconditional love and how great it is, gives me the warm feeling inside that sometimes I try so hard to get from other people. I think letting God's love fill me more will feel a need I look for in others in ways that others could never provide.

This is not to say the love of others is not incredibly important and vital to happy living, but God's love is unfailing. Even the person on this planet who loves you the most will fail you from time to time. Seeking a higher love to be my main love, helps me to keep this world into perspective and pay attention to what really matters.

bottom line: YOU ARE LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY AS YOU ARE FOREVER!!!!

Lie # 6 - Powerless

2010-07-25T13:39:00.002-05:00

Lies of the enemy:
1. You are weak.
2. You are damaged goods.
3. You can't do anything right.
4. How helpless can one person be?
5. Someone's always got to take care of and/or clean up the messes you make.

Ouch.... but how many of these can you relate to. I feel like I'm making good progress in my healing. I feel like I have a long way to go, but I feel like I'm also a long way from where I started. Yet, going through this Bible Study, I am seeing so many lies that I still believe. Despite improved self-esteem and self-confidence, it's surprising how many of the lies we've talked about so far that I still find myself believing to be true. It just goes to show how sneaky satan is to still slip things like this into our thinking even when you know you're on the right track. Praise God for Bible studies like these and good friends who help continue to point things out to you so you can let go of the lies and continue to embrace the you that you really are.

Your true identity: POWERFUL

2 Timothy 1:7 - For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Debilitating fear that leaves us powerless is not from God. While in my personal opinion, I do not believe that fear is a sin nor does God get angry at us for it, fear that keeps us from acting is not of Him. Courage and power does not mean fear is not allowed (although if my faith in God was always strong enough, I probably wouldn't have fear), but it means we fight on and push through our fears because we know our Creator is stronger than whatever we face here on the planet. God gives us his power and that power is strong enough to overcome anything!

1 John 4:4 - You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you that he who is in the world.

"He who is in the world" in this context refers to satan and his allies. Isn't reassuring to hear straight from the Bible that God in us is greater than anything else we may encounter and he has already overcome!?!?!??!

1 John 5:4-5 - For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the son of God.

Believing and trusting in something that you can't blatantly see requires a lot of faith. The best way I know to tell people who struggle b/c they say they can't see God is to try to show her/him how he's in everything - just not in the ways we're used to. He's in a warm hug from a friend, a daisy in a sidewalk, he's in the wind, the fire at a cookout... and on and on... God created everything and is in everything. With this thought, it amazes me that to overcome the world, all I have to do is believe that Jesus is the son of God and try to live my life for him.

Trauma - past or current makes you feel powerless.... powerless to stop what's happening to you, what you're being forced to do, and powerless to control all of the feelings and emotions that accompany the trauma. But this "weakness" is only temporary in Christ Jesus. He can strengthen you here on this planet and there will be no weakness in you in Heaven. When Jesus was taken into custody, flogged, tortured and crucified, you can bet he was weak physically, mentally, and emotionally. But it was only temporary. God rescued him like he will rescue us. Also, those experiences mean Jesus knows exactly what it's like to be backed up against a wall and holding on for dear life. He truly can understand your pain and suffering. All God asked of Jesus during that time was to hold on. His power would be restored to him at the proper time. You may be feeling week now, and maybe all God is asking of you is to hold on. He will always come through. He NEVER fails.

Truth # 6 You are POWERFUL!!

Quick update

2010-07-25T13:05:00.002-05:00

Sorry for not being able to Post Lie #6 yesterday. I will make that post today. Yesterday morning I took my Praxis 2 test (ugh). I'm pretty sure I passed but it was a lot harder than the practice test GTS offered with their study book.

When I got home from my test about 1:30pm, husband was waiting for me with an afternoon and evening of surprises..... our only 2nd real date since getting married 2 months ago today! He had rented us a wave runner for the afternoon at a nearby lake and then took me out to eat at a restaurant downtown in the nearest large city. I had a blast!!!!!! I only got pulled over by the "lake police" once and managed to chase a bird across the water and catch up with it enough that the bird dove into the water and stayed under for about 15 seconds before resurfacing rather than just flying up and away. Yeah, I like to drive a little crazy on wave runners.

Anyways, because of the sweet and awesome day my husband planned, I didn't get to blog yesterday. I'll have plenty of time to make up for it though because he leaves tonight for training on the other side of the country for a month. :(

I'm loving having him around all the time so being apart for a month with virtually no communication is NOT going to be fun. Thankfully I have stuff to keep me busy and a friend from out of state may come and stay with me for a few days.

Anyways.... Time to catch up on my other postings.

Oh.... I want to get a big shout out to Tempy for my new blog layout. I love it and could never have done something this cool myself!!

Lie # 5 - Rejected

2010-07-23T15:21:00.002-05:00

Lies of the enemy:
1. You're a failure.
2. You're such a loser.
3. No one wants you.
4. You're not qualified.
5. Everyone else is better than you.

Your true identity: ACCEPTED

Ephesians 1:6 - To the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.

Beloved in this instance refers to Christ. God's grace makes us accepted in Christ, and who greater is there to accept us?

1 Peter 2: 4-5 - As you come to Him, the living Stone - rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to Him - you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

Jesus, the son of the living God, was rejected by mankind, but he was always seen as chosen and precious and accepted by the Father. In the same way, God has chosen all of us. Whether the people in your life accept and love you or whether like Christ, you have been rejected and outcast, your acceptance with the Holy Father is still the same and is unconditional. In addition, God recognizes the hardships you are going through while remaining faithful to them. He counts these as spiritual sacrifices and sees these as acceptable as well. Your struggles are acceptable to Christ.

Hebrews 4:16 - Let us therefore come boldly before the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

I don't know about you, but I rarely approach anything boldly. I'm getting better, but typically, I prefer to timidly approach things and test the water before getting too close. Hebrews states that we are to come boldly before the Lord and obtain..... What I gather from this is that we are so completely and fully accepted by God we can come to him like a child does to a loving parent and boldly as for and get the things that we need without fear.

You are never rejected by the Father. You are ACCEPTED by the only one whose acceptance really matters.

a side note

2010-07-23T09:01:00.002-05:00

I need to step away from the blog format of the past 4 days to throw in an extra entry b/c I'm not sure where else to talk about it. For those of you keeping up with the Eight Lies Most Trauma survivors believe, Lie #5 will be posted later this afternoon.

A classmate and aquaintance of mine (we're friends in class and on FB, but we don't hang out in real life) recently lost her husband in Afghanistan. I only found out about it this morning b/c it's summer, and I haven't really seen or talked to her all summer. I am heartbroken for her. She is a widow at the age of 25 with a 4 year older daughter, a 2 year old daughter, and a 2 month old daughter.

It can be easy at times to play the "army wife". I go to my FRG meetings and am polite and sociable. This morning I went on the Family Fun Run where families of my husband's batallion run 2 miles with their soldier. I'll meet a gazillion people I won't remember tonight at a Hail and Farewell..... Sometimes I can almost forget how in 6 months he'll be in mortal danger everyday again when he deploys.... how precious and fragile life is....

I'm sad that he leaves Sunday for a month for training, but I'm not worried about his safety. He's not leaving the States. I will miss him, but he'll come home. But there's nothing similar to the death of a soldier that you knew or watching someone grieve their husband for our freedom.

How can I ache so badly from a situation that I am so removed from? And the thought of something happening to my husband when he deploys again..... well, I can't even go there... I know it's good that I don't on a regular basis. Most soldiers come home safe and sound, but it is very very sobering to be reminded of all of the men and women (including my husband) whose job by nature asks them to risks their lives daily and that not all of them will come home.

Sorry to be riding the depressing train this morning, but this didn't seem like crisis enough to contact T and it's hard to talk to hubby b/c he just wants to tell me not to worry.

Somebody please tell me again why I let love convince me I was strong enough to be an Army wife????

Lie # 4 - Devalued

2010-07-22T21:40:00.002-05:00

Lies of the enemy:
1. No one needs you.
2. You're not good enough.
3. You don't have anything useful to say.
4. You are absolutely worthless.
5. You really suck!

How many of these can you relate to or how many more of your own can you add to the list? Praise God this list too is a lie.

The truth is that we are VALUED by God and his thoughts and feelings about us are greater than any other's in the entire universe.

Jeremiah 31:3 - The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness."

God not only loves us forever (past and future) but also is working to draw us near to him because he values us so much.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 - Don't you realize that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor your body.

When Israel was strong and before Christ came, the Temple in Jerusalem was the one place on earth where God was manifested and represented. (Side note - it took Solomon 20+ years to build God's Temple in Jerusalem) It was the most magnificent and expensive building on the planet at the time for that reason. Since Christ's resurrection, God has chosen us to be his Temple and has chosen to manifest himself in each one of us. In addition, he wanted to use us as his earthly dwelling place so badly, he sent his own son to die for our sins so we could be pure enough for God to dwell in us. With this frame of reference, it makes it difficult to see myself as invaluable if I am the vessel in which God chooses to dwell on this planet, and the same is true for you!

Romans 8:29-30 - For God knew His people in advance, and He chose them to become like His Son, so that His Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, He called them to come to Him. And having called them, He gave them right standing with Himself. And having given them right standing, He gave them his glory.

So, God CHOSE us well before we were born to become like Christ and to be his sisters and brothers and be given God's right standing and GLORY!!!! When you think of any earthly glory you may receive - an honor from the President of your Country, the Nobel Peace Prize, a military award...... anything that is awe inspiring.... NONE of this even begin to compare to the glory of God which he is freely giving to you because you are his valued child.

Bottom line: YOU HAVE GREAT VALUE!!!!!

template issues

2010-07-21T11:34:00.001-05:00

Sorry about the crazy blog layout. I got a messages from the cutest blog on the block saying my layout was going to be taken down on Friday and I needed to pick a new one. In the midsts of doing so, their website went down for maintenance for the next few hours. Bear with me, and I'll try to get things more readable again soon.

Thanks!!

Lie # 3 - Accused/Guilty

2010-07-21T10:33:00.004-05:00

Lies of the enemy (satan):
1. You really blew it.
2. You're unforgivable.
3. You can't do anything right.
4. You need to be punished.
5. You can't be trusted.
6. Everyone knows what a hypocrite you are.

So how many of these can you relate to. I think this is one of the hardest lies for me to overcome. I can identify with all of these, except I might change the last one to read more like, "everyone will leave you and hate you when they find out what a hypocrite you are." B/c see, I'm really good at "pretending to be nice and kind and good". When people finally see the real me, I expect it will be like those old horror films where the lady covers her face with her hands, screams a blood curdling scream, and runs away.... and then I can say to anyone who thought they knew me "see, told you so."

I've been working hard on this one. Owning up to mistakes and sin when I should but also learning how to not own up to things or take the blame for things that I am innocent of. I think this is an important step in placing the blame of the childhood abuse where it belongs and being able to see myself as I truly am. Although, I'm also learning that if I'm not viewing myself through God's eyes, I will never be able to see myself as I truly am.

So, whether you're like me and on the road to letting go of guilt (some days I do handle this better than others) or you're in a place where guilt is overtaking you. There is hope. Whether everything that has happened to you has been your fault (which I assure you it has not) or none of it was your fault, Jesus Christ offers:

FORGIVENESS

Romans 8:1 - Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

NO condemnation. If you have confessed the sin to God and are repentant, he will not continue to hold it against you or condemn you for it. It doesn't mean that there won't still be consequences, but you are not bound by it forever.

Romans 5:1 - Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.

In this sense, Justified means "declared not guilty". Jesus's death on the cross covered all of your sins and washed them away. You are seen to God as a sinless creature because of the blood of Jesus.

Hebrews 10:17 - Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.

How awesome is that? When you bring your sins before the Lord and ask for forgiveness, not only does he offer immediate and loving forgiveness, he wipes the sin from his memory. So, 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 years, 200 years down the road when you say, "Hey God, remember that time I _____________________ . I'm still feeling really guilty about it." He will say, "I don't know what you're talking about." Because he forgave you, let it go, and is just loving being in a relationship with you.

You are not guilty, hated, disgusting, awful, or any other word you want to use to fill in the blank.

You are loved and FORGIVEN!

Lie # 2 - Unimportant

2010-07-20T14:03:00.003-05:00

Lies of the enemy (aka satan):
1. Your input is unnecessary.
2. You're just taking up oxygen on this planet.
3. Go sit on the sidelines.
4. Don't call us. We'll call you.
5. What have you really accomplished with your life?
6. You don't really have anything good to offer anyone.

Like yesterday, I'm sure you and I can come up with many more that are not on the above list that feed into our belief that we are unimportant. Praise God that this too is a lie.

The truth says we are IMPORTANT!!

John 1:12 - But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name.

God gave you the right to be his child. He gave no other creature, plant, or any living being on this planet this gift. How special does it make you that you have the right to be his child?

Matthew 5:13 - You are the salt of the earth.
Matthew 5:14 - You are the light of the world. A city on a hill that cannot be hidden.

You are the vessel God chose through which to show His flavors and colors to the world. What a responsibility and an honor! God is so thoughtful in everything that he did not make this choice lightly.

John 3:16 - For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

You are so important that God sent his Son to die for you even before you knew who he was.... thousands of years before you were born. He died for people who hated him. And while he did die for the whole world, he still would have given his life if you were the only one. That's how important you are to him.

God may be using the current struggles in your life as a way to refine you. While he did not cause your pain, He will definitely use your struggle to healing as a way to make you stronger, and place you an a unique position to help others who may be on the same path as you. Throughout the Bible, the men and women who were significantly used by God were wounded in some severe way. You may still be in the midst of your fire and dealing with open wounds. There are evil forces doing their best to propel our world into chaos and one of the most effective and easiest ways for them to do so is to convince you that you don't matter. But this is a lie.

The truth: YOU ARE INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT!

Eight lies trauma survivors typically believe

2010-07-19T17:49:00.002-05:00

I'm doing a Bible Study right now geared towards trauma survivors. It's not really geared towards survivors of childhood sexual abuse, but just trauma in general. This week's study is on eight lies that satan feeds everyone who's suffered a traumatic event and/or has a traumatic disorder. I found each of these to be so true in my case, I thought I'd take the next 8 days and post one a day. My Bible study also gives scriptures that refute satan's lies, so I'll share those as well. The more and more I grow and learn and study, I am learning that satan gets me most when I keep quiet about things and do not bring them to light.... especially if I think they are bad things about me. These are the times he can plant deep seeds that can grow and fester and keep us from realizing our true identity, potential, strength, and beauty.

Lie #1 - Disregarded

Lies of the enemy:
1. You are a nobody.
2. No one cares about you. Why should they?
3. No one wants to know you.
4. You don't deserve the respect that others get.
5. You are such a fraud.
6. Who do you think you are, anyway?

I can't speak for any of you, but I know I've told myself each of these at one point in my life and most multiple times plus others that aren't even on this list. PRAISE GOD that these are all lies though! They are small and easy ways for satan to manipulate us and living in a fallen world, he uses other people, coincidental circumstances, our own negative self-talk and anything else he can possibly use to increase our belief that any or all of these lies are actually truth.

God says something very different about us in His word though. God says we are
REGARDED.

John 15:15 - I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from My Father I have made known to you.

Jesus Christ, the Son of God, calls you his friend.

Hebrews 2:11 - So now Jesus and the ones He makes holy have the same Father. That is why Jesus is not ashamed to call them His brothers and sisters.

Jesus Christ is not ashamed to call you his brother or sister.

Ephesians 1:4 - Even before He made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.

You were known, loved, and chosen by God before the world was created!

Galatians 4:7 - Now you are no longer a slave but God's own child. And since you are His child, God has made you His heir.
You are God's child and also His heir.

YOU ARE LOVED AND HIGHLY REGARDED!!!!!

Check back tomorrow. I'll post Lie #2 and the truths to refute it.

First time being pissed with hubby

2010-07-17T17:01:00.002-05:00

Hubby and I are supposed to have a real date night tonight. We haven't had a real date night since we got married. I've been looking forward to it all week. He told me earlier in the week that he had to work a little bit today, which was fine. I needed to clean the house anyways. My family is coming for the day tomorrow. When he left this morning, he said he'd be home by 1pm. It's 5pm and he just called to say he's on his way home. I texted him a little after 3pm to ask him if I should be worried or mad at him that he hadn't even sent me a text to tell me he was going to be late. He responded sorry and that he'd call on his way home.

So, now he's coming home and I know he knows he's in the dog house, but I'm curious if he'll understand why. It's not that he had to work all day. It's that my time and my day isn't important enough to him for him to let me know his plans have changed. It's that date night might be off, and if it's not, I have to be the one to drop the bad mood or we'll both be miserable and it will be a waste of going out and money.

Glad to see I can be really pissed at him and know without a doubt we'll get past it and I'll get over it, but it really sucks right now. One thing I did learn is that when you do finally develop self-esteem, it's hard to lose.. LOL.... I think I feel pissed b/c I feel my time, my feelings, my thoughts deserve more than what hubby gave them today..... Jigga what?? I deserve more than what someone chooses to give me???

Huh, guess therapy's working after all.... ;)

Things I've learned this week

2010-07-15T19:59:00.004-05:00

I've learned a lot internally in the past several days.

1. I learned that parts are constantly watching each other internally whether I am aware of it or not. I wrote an entry a few weeks ago about a part who put up walls blocking all internal communication. Well, it seems that last night she decided we still have enough "issues" that blocking communication isn't necessary anymore and the walls came tumbling down. While it's relieving, it's a bit disconcerting how easily they went up and how easily they came down and that best I can tell one part was in charge of it all. Yay us that we're still messed up enough she doesn't need to interfere. ;P

2. I also learned that parts are getting more comfortable with hubby. We totally switched in front of him last night into a playful part who squeels when tickled. I don't squeel. Husband found it hysterical b/c he didn't notice that we switched for a few minutes. I'm glad they're feeling comfortable with him but it was a bit unnerving to switch out of control despite that fact I had full co-consciousness.

3. *TW* Finally I learned that when it comes to sex, spending time only pleasing my husband and not spending time being pleased leaves me feeling numb and very disconnected. I will admit that it was my idea. I thought it would be a nice treat for him. What I somehow forgot to take into account was that I was setting myself to repeat experiences from my childhood. So instead of feeling closer to husband afterwards, I felt disconnected, detached and a little disgusted.

Walking this road of doing well enough and functioning well enough to have healthy, intimate relationships while at the same time still having so many triggers and negative memories to work through is proving to be rather tricky. I wouldn't trade where I am now back to where I was for anything, but for some reason I am continually surprised at how much I can still struggle. I don't know why I keep thinking we'll reach a point where the struggles will go away.... If we can just stay doing well long enough......

Reality is that everyone on the planet is constantly struggling with something whether they have an abuse history or not.... no matter how well adjusted or advantaged the person may be..... we all struggle. It seems the sooner I can accept this, the easier it may be to accept where I am and that this is life. I don't know. I have so many good things going for me, but I guess sometimes inside I just still fear this is as good as it gets.... and I wonder, if this is as good as it gets, is this enough? Some days I think yes. Some days I think hell no! And will I ever feel satisfied?

Nightmares

2010-07-09T13:45:00.002-05:00

When you have horriffic nightmares every night for years, you are so sure you will never forget what those nights are like and what they do to you... At least that's how I felt. When my nightly nightmares stopped, I was thrilled but was confident I would always remember how horrible they are so I could be grateful for every good night up sleep I get now.

Well, I was totally wrong. I had horrible nightmares last night for the first time in a long time, and I am wiped today. I feel anxious and depressed. I can't stop thinking about my dreams last night. It's amazing how time can help you forget how awful something truly was. Feeling like this today does make it easier to remember why every day was sooooooooooo hard for soooooo long and I felt like I was NEVER going to get relief.

I know I am blessed now in that I typically don't have nightmares two nights in a row and b/c I don't have to be anywhere today so I can just be. But I hate feeling on the verge of tears, depressed and wanting to "justify, explain, argue" the things in my dreams last night. It feels rediculous. The dream was not a memory but a lot of the feelings resulting from the dream can be related to old memories and feelings. And who am I wanting to explain and defend myself to? No one saw the dream but me and it wasn't real.

I didn't get out of bed until noon today, and I know that's a recipie for disaster for me, but I was just so exhausted from the lack of peacful sleep from the night that i couldn't get up when my alarm clock went off. My felt like a lead weight and my eye lids were soooo heavy. So, I didn't fight it today and I gave in to trying to get a small amount of sleep. It did help me feel more rested but I don't think it helped the depression I'm feeling today. blah.

It doesn't help that I will feel guilty tonight from not doing anything today. I mean, I could at least get out and go to the grocery store but the thought of that makes me want to cry. I just want to stay curled up on the couch all day. Why does doing what feels comforting when you're feeling bad lead to guilt that I should have done more today - at least the bare minimum?

Triggers verses Reminders

2010-07-06T14:03:00.003-05:00

Therapist and I had a good conversation today about the differences between triggers and reminders. Sometimes I think my words confuse the two even though my feelings and my body know there is a drastic difference.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER: Talk of Sex

The conversation came up because I got triggered over the weekend. Married life is great and the sex part is actually pretty fun most of the time too. However, Sunday night we were at my parents' houseboat with all of the family for the 4th. The walls are paper thin and the water helps everything to echo too, so I informed hubby before we got there not to get any ideas b/c it was just going to be too hard to have sex in our room on the houseboat even with the door closed b/c of how easily sound travels. While he complied and was totally respectful, it didn't stop him from wanting to see what he/we could get away with that night in bed. He listened to me the minute I said stop, so I can't really fault him for that.

What triggered me was being in the dark, knowing there were others nearby, and feeling like I was doing something "wrong." The fear of getting "caught" or being heard coupled with the few small things hubby wanted to try and get away with was just too much. Since he stopped the minute I said so, I didn't explain anything else in the moment. I just needed to be. I needed to do damage control internally. I needed to separate past from present. I needed to remind myself how old I was, where I was and that this wasn't wrong. I spent most of the night nauseated but did manage to get a little bit of non flashback-y sleep. I felt decent the next morning, so I just let it go. I have no issue explaining things to hubby if I need to, but on the boat was not the time or the place.

Therapist and I were talking about the experience today b/c I was feeling frustrated that the 'minor' incidences from my childhood could still provoke such a reaction in me, especially when they're the images that just flash through my head periodically anyways. I guess she didn't realize how many times I see have a memory flash through my mind with my eyes open or how many daily life things remind me of something and momentarily put me back in that place. I can't blame her for not knowing. I don't really talk about it. It's just a normal part of life. The big thing that we put into words today is that those everyday things are more of "reminders." Something reminds me of a bad event, feeling, thought from the past but I don't have to re-feel all of it or re-live all of it. It's usually gone as quickly as it comes. And this is WAY different than the true trigger I experienced Sunday night.

Reminders, while not fun, are something every human experiences based on their different life experiences. Some things bring up happy memories, other things bring up painful ones. While I don't expect my reminders to go away, I do pray that new memories will be associated with some life things and I will have less negative reminders. I also pray that more triggers will enter into the reminder category where I can acknowledge something hurt and it was awful and then go on with my day without being caught up in the moment or having to do damage control inside.

A definite work in progress...

Holiday Celebrations

2010-07-06T13:44:00.002-05:00

This 4th of July was the 3rd one that hubby and I have been in a relationship over, but the first one we've actually been able to spend together. July 4, 2008 he was in California training for deployment. July 4, 2009 he was in Afghanistan working hard so I and everyone else in the US could enjoy our 4th of July freedom. This year he was home and with me. We had a 4 day weekend and spent a couple of days at an amusement part and then a couple of days at the lake with my family.

Since meeting hubby and especially since his return from deployment all holidays seem to carry more weight. Hubby enjoys the holidays and the time off from work, but his mind is constantly thinking of those soldiers who are deployed and not at home to enjoy the holidays with their family. Patriotic holidays are the worst. They are a curse and a blessing for him right now (and for me too). On one hand, there is a much greater understanding of what American freedom means and how great the cost was and is, but on the other hand hubby struggles with guilt that he is here enjoying that freedom while others are constantly risking their lives overseas. Next 4th of July he will again be serving in Afghanistan (boo for me), and he is able to understand that this is his time home to rest and retrain. When he goes back over, the guys there now will have their time home to rest and get ready to go back. Everything he does at work now revolves around deploying again. He rarely has out of site out of mind moments (like most of us do) about the war that is still raging in the Middle East. In fact, the only times I ever see hubby tear up are when he's talking about deployed soldiers - during the toast at our wedding on Memorial Day weekend and talking to me during the fireworks show 4th of July night. He struggles not to get frustrated by how little people actually know and understand about what's going on. He gets that it's because so many are just no exposed to the war or much information about it on a regular basis, so he works hard to keep things in perspective and be gracious, but I know patriotic holidays are extra hard for him.

While I am now walking this road with him and I have a much greater and personal understanding of all the sacrifices and danger involved, I also realize I do not walk this road at the same level he does, and I'm working hard to be supportive and find ways that help him express whatever he feels without feeling judged or told to "get over it."

Thinking about this situation with him the past couple of days has gotten me thinking about how so many of us walk our own war and battles (either with memories or current dangerous situations) and most of society has no clue the toll it's taking on you or others you know who are fighting the same battle. If you're blessed, you have a spouse, family, or friends who do their best to understand and be supportive... and who may even get things to an extent as they walk through life with you, but no one can really understand it like you do, and those that come the closest to understanding are the ones who have walked or are walking the same battles.

In some ways I feel like hubby and I are both fighting "quieted" wars. His is sometimes in the media and uses weapons and explosives, but the majority of the world has no clue as to what things are really like. Only those I tell know about my war and it seems the overall war against fighting sexual abuse and assault is one that is pushed under the carpet too much b/c it's too heinous to think that people are actually that perverted and cruel. But I know my struggles, I see my friends' struggles and it is all very real.... Just as real as the war in the Middle East... and no matter how much the general population may want to ingore both, they are happening and affecting a larger number of people than I think anyone can imagine.

On a personal level, my prayers that hubby and I can continue to learn how to best support each other in our battles and also reach out to those in similar circumstances as us and offer support and encouragment as well.

wall of ignorance down; 20 new walls up

2010-06-29T19:25:00.003-05:00

I guess I got a bit of insight today in therapy. A lot of things are still fuzzy and unaswered, and I'm doing my best to not fill in the blanks b/c I tend to catastrophize when I do that, but it's hard not to.

Yesterday I blogged about feeling clueless about what's going on internally and wondering if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Today I learned that the reason I can't hear anything internally is that a part I haven't heard from in over 2 years has put up walls among all of us. We are all isolated from each other. A younger part managed to find her way out during therapy today and explain to therapist how scared and alone she was and that she couldn't hear anyone else inside. While this part was talking, I actually did a little bit of internal exploration (I know. Shocking that I would do this on purpose.). It seems as though we are all walled off from each other and even moreso that I am the only part that has access to the external world easily.

Therapist started talking about possibly moving these new walls or finding ways around them to restore internal communication among parts. Her theory is there is fear and adjustment issues regarding some of us doing so well and other still struggling so much, thus the seperation and changes inside. I could go along with that except that I switched out to another part neither of us has heard from in a couple of years who stated that the walls were not to be moved and were to be left alone. She was adament about us not meddling with things.

I am sure this part isn't purposely trying to hurt us. Last time she was present, she appeared as an introject and put our safety into question multiple times. With a lot of work and extra therapy help, we were able to get to her true identity and understand that he had created her to do and say such things should we ever reach a certain place in healing. We helped her understand how he had manipulated her and that what she was doing was actually hurting the body not keeping it safe. Once she understood the differences, she was very amiable and wanted to be helpful. Then she just went quiet.

With her back again and causing a complete blackout on internal communication, it's hard for me not to think she's been triggered to "sabotage" again. I do believe like last time we can show her the truth and we can work through this, but I don't trust her at all right now as far as acting out goes. And if this does play out this way, husband's gonna get a good does of DID dysfunction rather quickly into our marriage. It's strange that I fear more for him right now than for me. Not fear as in I/we might hurt him physically. But my gut is telling me that the purpose of what's going on internally now is to disrupt what is currently a very happy marriage.

See, when I fill in the gaps, I do sort of catastrophize, but it's really hard not to when I'm going off of past experiences. The major thing I do have going for me this time around is that through prayer and the examples of friends, I am more convicted than ever to turn this over to God and let him do the major battle.

I have full faith that things will be okay on the other side of this and that my marriage is safe. It is founded on Christ after all. However, I think the next few weeks may be a really bumpy ride that I really don't want to sign up for.

But, one day at a time, right?

Not slowing down

2010-06-28T14:49:00.002-05:00

I thought things would slow down after the wedding was over and I settled into a normal routine. So far that hasn't been the case. We got married a month ago yesterday and I'm starting my 3rd week back home in "normal life". I had hoped I'd have more time to blog, more time to catch up with friends, more time for hobbies, more time to focus on my internal world and thus use therapy time more "appropriately". Unfortunately, I don't seem to be doing any of this really well.

I'm not quite sure where the time goes. I do know that I'm not dissociating it away. I'm sure my lack of routine keeps me from being as efficient as I could be. I know that I'm sleeping alot more lately. I slept 12 hours last night. At this point, I'm not sure if my body needs the sleep or if I'm letting myself oversleep. I do know that on days I only get 8 hours or less of sleep I feel very groggy and want nothing more all day long than to be able to lie down and take a nap. Even now I wouldn't mind a nap, but I know I don't need the sleep.

Maybe it's being at home more often right now. I don't know. It's not like I don't have tons to do around here, so it's not because I'm bored. Maybe it's laziness.

Obviously, I'm completely not in touch with what's going on inside of me right now, but I'm not quite sure how to get there. When there's some sort of mini crisis going on inside, parts for sure let me know and we can deal with things. When there's not something pressing, asking inside is like asking an empty room. No response and it's so quiet you could hear a pin drop. I haven't been very concerned because I must say it makes life a bit easier right now only dealing with my stuff.

I guess I'm starting to feel gipped now though. I don't have access to all of me in regards to feelings, old memories, and I'm back to almost faking some things like I did before I ever knew I was DID but there were things I thought I should know and feel b/c it was "normal."

Sometimes I really can't tell when we're progressing and when we're reverting. I know we've made progress overall, but recently I can't help but wonder if the silence is more a way of keeping things peaceful and relatively easy moreso than b/c things internally are going that smoothly.

Is this progress calm or just the calm before the next storm? And how do you tell the difference?

feelings without qualification

2010-06-17T11:03:00.002-05:00

I talked with therapist this morning about my blog entries from last night. She hadn't read them, but I told her about them. One of the things I realized during our conversation is how hard it is for me to let myself have genuine feelings (whether they are justified or not) without qualifiying them.... especially if they are negative feelings or if my feelings are hurt or if I'm feeling angry.

To just say I'm hurt or I'm angry and leave it at that doesn't feel okay. For some reason, there is the need to qualify why I'm angry and to also always state that it might be unfounded or irrational. In essence, I'm sharing my feelings and undermining their validity at the same time.

But how do you just feel things if someone else does something that makes you mad or hurts your feelings and be okay with that when you've been in that other person's shoes before? When to some extent you understand what may have driven them to do what they did? It doesn't make it okay, but I guess having feelings of hurt or anger towards another person feels condemning to me. And how can I condemn someone of something I've done before?

Am I making any sense??

more hurt than I realized

2010-06-16T22:11:00.002-05:00

I got a phone call from a good friend the Thursday before my wedding weekend. She had made plans to travel a great distance to come to my wedding. That evening she called me from a hospital to tell me she wouldn't make it to the wedding. She'd been admitted to the hospital and would be there for a few days then transferred to a Psych hospital. I didn't ask any more details than that. I didn't want to know more details. I was already in my hotel room in the destination city where we got married knee deep in wrapping gifts and doing some last minute wedding prep.

This friend has lots of struggles, is in a bad situation, and has a similar past to me. As a result, psych hospital visits and s*ic*de attempts aren't all that uncommon. I truly hate it for her that she is in so much pain all of the time, and while my situation is different than hers, I do understand the feeling of thinking and believing you can't live one more minute.

When I hung up the phone with friend, I was briefly ticked off b/c my assumption is that this was another attempt. I say assumption b/c I haven't talked to her to ask her for sure. I quickly had to push those feelings down and get back to wedding stuff and made up my mind that I would not let her incident keep me from enjoying my wedding weekend.

In all honesty, I really didn't give it another thought until today. Today was friend's birthday. It brought back up all of the feelings that I didn't "endulge" in during wedding weekend, and I found myself not even wanting to wish her a happy birthday b/c that would mean contact with her. I do care about her, and I really do wish her a happy birthday so I sent her a message.

I guess I have more anger around this issue than I've wanted to admit. It hurts that she couldn't wait 3 days to attempt. I know that sounds so selfish and so harsh of me. I also know I'm basing things off of my own experiences and not hers. While that is probably not fair to her, it's where I am right now. We managed to stay alive for 5 months strictly because of sister's wedding a few years ago. I don't/didn't mean enough to her for her to wait 3 more days to end her life? And what if she had succeeded? How could I have enjoyed my wedding day with the knowledge that a good friend who was supposed to be there supporting me was now dead?

It really does piss me off! Right or wrong it does. I don't want to be understanding of her situation and say it's okay and I understand how awful things are. I want to be mad and selfish and ask her why she couldn't pull her shit together enough to make it through one freaking weekend?

Wow, my crazy train really is taking a trip around the world tonight. (Read previous post for explanation).

air bubbles in a water cooler

2010-06-16T21:08:00.002-05:00

So, you know what it looks like when those big air bubbles make their way from the bottom of office water coolers? It can be a big or small bubble, but it makes it's way all the way to the top of the water and sort of pops, then it's gone. Sometimes it's more than one bubble too, especially if someone is actively draining the water cooler.

This is the best way I know to describe the anxiety I've been feeling the past few days. It starts in the pit of my stomach, and slowly rises up through my chest and eventually exits my mouth in the form of silent screams. It's incredibly intense but is fairly short-lived and has been happening at a greater and greater frequency. Typically it occurs during downtime, when I'm not actively engaged in something.

I have no doubt it's coming from a part(s), but I don't know who or why. My guess is that it has to do with being married and some issues that may be triggered that I am unaware of, but this is just my guess. I'm sure therapist and I will talk about it tomorrow, and I'll be grateful if we can figure it out, and I can lose these anxiety episodes. However, the anxiety is so intense, I don't really want to look at it and talk about it either. I want to push the bubbles back down or rush them through and out of my system. I don't want to look at/examine/understand their meaning, origin, etc. I wouldn't even be posting this now, but my latest bubble seems to be stuck between my diaphragm and my throat. I'm hoping that blogging will get it moving again.

Does anyone else ever get tired of always having to be introspective? Functional is good. I like being functional, but there are moments when I'd rather not be proactive and introspective and just walk around screwed up thinking I'm perfectly sane like so many people in this world do. I get so tired of there typically being a deeper or alternate meaning to everything I feel and experience. Why can't green just be green? Why does it always have to be a mix of blues and yellows and any other number of colors that actually make green what it is?

And why am I in a "oh pitiful me" mood right now? Our life is going really well. We're actually doing a lot better than I expected us to be doing right now. We have so much going for us internally and externally. We actually like our life right now (well, most of us anyways). So, why am I feeling sorry for myself and feeling frustrated about doing a little extra work to alleviate anxiety?

If I'm honest, I know a part of this may be somewhat self-destructive simply because everyone in our life believes we're doing so great. And we are doing really well. But we still really struggle. There's still a lot of pain, a lot of untouched memories. Our past has shown me that when we start to think people are forgetting or not recognizing our pain, we start acting out in ways so that they know it's still there.... sometimes it's just physical symptoms - anxiety, loss of appetite, diarrhea... (this is where we are right now and hope to stop things before they escalate).... sometimes we progress into unhealthy coping skills that make it harder for people to not notice or ignore our pain - self injury, purposely not eating, etc.

Lord, we don't want to go back there at all. Why is it that if people acknowledge the healing that's happened and the progress we've made, that (in our minds) negates any pain we may still be suffering? Why can't we let others acknowledge both? Are we not able to acknowledge it to ourselves? Why are we so afraid people are going to forget our pain? Therapist knows. If no one else knows, therapist knows.

In a way it's good that husband is working the 4:30am-2:30pm shift right now because he goes to bed early. Feeling like I'm having my first real post-wedding mini meltdown right now, and I'm just not sure I'm ready to share that with him. I have no doubt in his ability to handle it, but I think it's more my pride that doesn't want him to see my "crazy train" this close and personal yet. He's definitely seen it, but only in flickers since we didn't live together before we were married. Even though he's never put any pressure on me in any way, I guess I just don't want to "be crazy" only 2 1/2 weeks into our marriage. Like I said, my pride, not his inability to be understanding.

I need to go. I'm just rambling now and this post is getting long. Hope my crazy train doesn't crash too hard tonight and I can park it at the station by tomorrow morning.

A couple of pics

2010-06-15T21:59:00.002-05:00

I got a couple of photos today that show me in my wedding gown while keeping our anonymity, so I thought I'd share them. Hope you like them!

Married and Home!!!

2010-06-14T14:42:00.003-05:00

Hey everyone! I'm finally back! The wedding went off without a hitch and I am now happily married! Our honeymoon in Costa Rica was amazing, and I must say it was actually nice to not have internet or cell phone access for 10 days. Now that I'm back, I'm wondering how I functioned, but when I didn't have it, I didn't really miss it. Interesting, huh?

So, the question I would expect most of you to have if you've been reading my blog for awhile is: How did I survive my honeymoon and sex since I'd never had consensual sex before in my life???

Well, my husband was amazingly sweet and patient and did so many things to make me feel safe, that it actually wasn't that bad the first time - a bit painful, but I know that's to be expected. Most of our struggles came over the next couple of days. We stayed sore most of the next day, which was a trigger to always being sore as a child and the numerous bladder infections we suffered growing up. We texted therapist a couple of times before boarding the plane to Costa Rica, but we were on our own after that due to no cell or internet service for most of our vacation. That increased our anxiety. The other major factor was the realization that this was going to become an ongoing part of our relationship with husband that was not apart of our relationship over the past 2 years. There would be no more "playing with fire" without fear of having to go all of the way. The realization that sex was now going to be a part of our normal life was rather triggering and anxiety provking as well.

Thankfully, husband was around us all of the time and his presence continually reminded us that he is a safe person. He never forced us to do anything before we were "ready" (sometimes we kinda forced ourselves b/c we did want to make him happy), and if we told him not to do something b/c it was triggering he readily complied. He really helped us do a good job of seperating present, new, and good experiences, from the past, painful, and horrible ones. All of these things, plus our body getting used to sex and being less sore helped to make things manageable and sometimes even enjoyable. I think it was also really good for all of us to see how much time husband and I will still spend together and how many things we will still do together that don't involve sex at all.

I'm going to therapy for the first time tomorrow in almost 3 weeks (since before the wedding) and I feel like I'm walking in with a loaded gun of issues to drop a therapist's feet. I hope she's prepared!!!!! And I am so grateful that I have her to ask questions of and help me sort through all the mess that's circulating in my head and may not make much sense yet b/c I haven't talked to anyone about it. For some people I know 3 weeks probably don't seem that long, but when you've been meeting with your therapist twice a week for 4 years, going 3 weeks without sharing things with her - huge things - feels like mounds of information and I have no idea where to start. Guess it's good I get to talk to her twice this week. :)

Okay, back to unpacking, cleaning, and setting up home. It's nice to be back to my blog!

Hanging in There

2010-05-25T18:07:00.002-05:00

So, I finally have a few seconds of downtime and a few seconds to myself. Whew! It seems the list of final tasks grows longer every time one is checked off rather than shorter. Tomorrow is the last day in my hometown and then Thursday we head to wedding destination city! I think I will be very happy when Thursday gets here. There will still be a lot of work to do, but not near like there has been, and I think my family will relax a bit once we're out of town too. At least I'm praying for that.

Mostly I'll be happy b/c fiancee will be around on Thursday. I am so happy he's getting to spend time with his family at the beach this week, but at the same time I am so frustrated that he is not here helping out and he hasn't been keeping his cell handy so I can reach him when I need to. I had to make an executive decision today b/c he didn't return my call for 4 hours, and I don't think he's thrilled with my choice but the caterer had to know before close of business today. Also, I don't think he means it to be a guilt trip, but both times I've talked to him since Saturday (don't even get me started on how we've only talked twice this week. We talked more often than that when he was deployed.) he tells me how his family misses me and wishes I was there. What I want to say back to him is: Well, tell them to make the 4 hour drive over to the wedding and they can see me. And don't expect me to feel sorry for you lying by the pool or on the beach when I'm back here working my tail off for the wedding that YOU wanted. If it had been up to me, we would have eloped from the beginning.

I do want to clarify that I think this weekend is going to be amazing and that once it starts I will enjoy most every minute of it. Right now I'm just feeling tired, frustrated, anxious, and a little bitter. Oh and did I mention that I'm on my period this week??? May be great for the honeymoon but sucks right now!

Well, glad I at least got to vent for a bit. Should probably go mark a few more things off of my "to do" list. Hopefully my next post will be a much more lighthearted and elated one.

Too much to do. Not enough time.

2010-05-22T12:41:00.004-05:00

Hey everyone. Sorry I've been MIA for about a week. Unfortunately, this pattern is probably going to continue for another 3 weeks. I've been running around like crazy finishing up last minute wedding details and putting out very small fires. I've had a couple of posts I've really wanted to get up here. One on grief and one on forgiveness, but it seems I never have enough time to get them written out and posted, so I keep putting them off.

In addition, part of me feels I should be using my blog better as an avenue regarding all of the feelings I/we have about getting married next weekend and the honeymoon. Even in therapy this has been hard to talk about the past couple of weeks because I'm feeling sort of numb about it all. I don't think it's numb in a bad way. I think it's more the fact that I've been working on and planning this wedding for 11months and I just want the day to get here. I want to enjoy it with my family and closest friends. And then I want it to be OVER WITH! From everything I've gathered most brides hit this point, so at least I know I'm "normal".

The real question is how will I be feeling and what will surface when everything is over and things calm down? Is there more internal chaos going on than I am able to recognize at the moment? Will I be let down b/c I won't be planning and doing anymore? Will I feel relief? I'm definitely hoping for the positive emotions, but knowing myself like I do, I know that even if I'm unintentionally ignoring parts right now b/c my external life is so crazy, they always make sure I'm aware of everything going on the minute my external life slows down.

So, my current goal is to hope for something in the middle. Mostly feelings of relief and excitement about being married to fiance finally with some difficult feelings that aren't fun but are manageable and can be worked through with coping skills and internal communication.

I know it will be beneficial for me to post this next week up until we leave for our honeymoon (don't know if we have internet where we're going), but if I don't get to, don't worry. It just means I'm a buzy bee. I'll post again as soon as I'm able.

With that.... Off to do more tasks!

Reminders

2010-05-15T22:47:00.002-05:00

Everyday I have some very close friends who struggle with suicidal ideations. I hate this struggle for the because I spent so many years there myself and even have reoccurences of those feelings occassionally these days. With people that struggle in these situations, I feel I stay well aware of how fragile life is and how I might lose one of them at any moment if they allow life to overcome them.... not that I would blame them. They're dealing with some rough stuff.... but I also truly believe God will sustain us if we trust him and don't life overwhelm us to the point of choosing to end our own.

However, I still am always taken aback by the sudden, unexpected deaths that weren't at one's own hand. In these moments I am reminded how fragile life is for everyone on this planet.... how easily someone we love may be called away from this earth or how fragile my life still is even though I am no longer my number one death threat.

I apologize that this post sounds so morbid. It's just what I've been reflecting on this evening. See, fiance and I had dinner at his commander's house tonight with a couple of other captains and their wives. We were all having a wonderful time. They are such nice people, and it's very nice for me to actually know some of the women whose husbands will be deploying with mine in Feb. As we were wrapping up dinner, fiance's commander got a phone call. The call was to tell him that his mother had just passed away. Obviously, this was the end of the dinner party. The 6 of us guests helped clear the table and tried to do as much as we could to make clean up easier on the family. I got the impression that the major's mother was not ill and the phone call of her death was a shock.

"You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath." Psalm 39:5

I need to remember that I do not know how many days I will be blessed to have those I love here with me or how many days God is going to bless me with on this planet. No day or moment should be taken for granted. Lord help me remember this when wedding stress or PMS or bad moods keep me from appreciating all of my blessings and keeping my focus on what is most important.

Wedding Rollercoaster

2010-05-10T21:40:00.002-05:00

Less than 3 weeks till my wedding day and I'm feeling all of the stress of it. My family is very helpful but they are definitely increasing my stress level. All of the minute detailings seem to be building up and some days I feel no one else sees themselves able to make any decisions. Some days I feel as though I get 500 questions a day and that 490 of them could have been answered and handled without talking to me.

In addition, my internal world has finally decided to make their feelings known about their fears of being married through the form of body memories (mainly a nauseous stomach and gastrointestinal problems). I've been asking for 11 months for them to share only getting answers from a couple. Now, 3 weeks before the wedding, I'm being overwhelmed with thoughts, fears, flashbacks.. Ugh.

The wedding we're having is so much larger and grander than anything I ever wanted either. I wanted something small with just family and a couple of close friends. We're having a huge catered event with close to 130 guests. Now, I will admit, the actual wedding weekend sounds like a blast if I can get to it without having a major meltdown or developing an ulcer first. I am going to get to see so many dear friends that I haven't seen in awhile, and I am very excited about that! Sometimes though it feels like I'm just planning the party of the year for our family and friends and the idea that fiance and I are getting married seems to be a by-product.

I've been so moody and irritable the past few days. I know I'm not fun to be around despite my best efforts to suppress the worst of my negative feelings from reaching the words that actually come out of my mouth. Finace really has been great through all of this. I know he's not happy with my attitude the past few days, but at the same time I think it's helped him realize that I need him to step up and help me out more too.

Tonight before he went to his house, he told me to make him one promise: Starting 12:01am Friday, May 28 I have to be through working. From that time on until after the wedding, everyone else does for me. I don't work the wedding weekend.

Now, that is a promise I look very forward to keeping, and his patience and concern the past few days are continued reminders of why I am marrying this man in less than 3 weeks.

This bride is definitely ready to have the wedding behind her and married life in front of her!

East To West

2010-05-06T00:36:00.002-05:00

For some reason I've had Casting Crown's song "East To West" on my mind and in my heart all day.... so much so that I'm feeling compelled to post the lyrics here. So if anyone out there needs these words right now, here ya go:

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

Memorial Service TW Talk of Suicide

2010-05-04T23:28:00.006-05:00

I attended my first military memorial service today. At times, there was some discomfort for me in the formality of the event, but at the same time there was a sense of honor and respect being paid to the deceased because of the protocol being followed. Overall, I left very impressed with the way the memorial service was handled.

The reason for the service was another reason. The sergeant we were memorializing committed suicide last week. My fiance was deployed with him in Afghanistan until they came home in Dec. All I heard about this sergeant that may have played into his suicide were that he came home from deployment to his wife divorcing him and then the weekend before he passed away, his girlfriend broke up with him. These issues on top of reintegration from war, send a "well duh" thought through my head. However, it seems no one else saw it coming. He had future trips planned, he wasn't giving away everything he owned, etc.

Many of those (including my fiance) that I had the privilege to speak with are in total shock. I understand their shock. Even with friends that have committed suicide and I knew they were in a space they might do that, there is a shock that comes along with not being able to believe they actually followed through. At the same time, being someone who was suicidal for so many years and watching close friends of mine struggle with suicidality, I highly doubt there were no signs. The signs were just too subtle for the "normal" person to notice.

I say "normal" b/c I believe those of us who have been suicidal at one point or another in our life or have people close to us who are gain a better understanding of what to look for and a gut feeling of when someone else might be struggling that much, even if they're hiding it from 95% of the people in their life. I believe it's also hard for a person who has never been suicidal to fathom situations or feelings that would push someone to that point. I bet you anything, those closest to him didn't realize the internal turmoil he'd probably been dealing with since returning home in Dec or even before. All it took was something big (or small) to be his breaking point.

Memorial services for someone who dies from suicide always feel so much sadder and more painful for me. When someone dies in battle, or in a car wreck, or in some way that is out of their control, for some reason it is easier to cope with. It's easier to think they've found peace with Jesus. NOTE: I do NOT believe suicide equates the inability for God's grace to cover you and grant you eternal life with him. I do find myself feeling more that the person's life was cut short though. What great things might they still have seen, done, or felt in the name of the Lord if they'd just stuck it out? Feelings are ever changing. I do know what it's like to be chronically depressed and suicidal for 5 straight years, so I know it's tiring, but I also know that the depression and impulses did wax and wane during that time, and it is possible to overcome.

I think part of the sickening thud that settles in my stomach when I hear of a suicide and especially if I attend the person's funeral or know the person personally is b/c I know how close I was in the Spring of 2008 of causing that pain on so many around me. In the moment, I couldn't see past what was directly in front of me, so I don't hold guilt per say. I was very sick. But I constantly praise God that he put me in a place where people could intervene and I could be given another chance and receive help from people who could help me.

At the memorial service today, I cried. I never met this sergeant. My fiance didn't know him all that well. Yet we were both greatly affected today by his death. For me, it's just another reminder that people I don't even know might be effected if I chose to end my life before God calls me home.

I am very much in prayer for the family and friends of this sergeant and of anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide. In addition, I am in deep prayer for those people I know and those I don't know who are having suicidal impulses. God always provides a way out, we just have to choose to pay attention to it and take it.

And praise God that he took care of me when I didn't want to pay attention or take advantage of my way out of my suicidal impulses and acted on them. If I had succeeded, I would not be getting married to the man of my dreams in less than 4 weeks, I wouldn't have been able to realize my dream to be a therapist - and a good one at that. And I for sure wouldn't have realized my desire to function well and happy on only 20mg of Prozac instead of 10 psychotropic meds at one time.

God is bigger than suicide. I wish I knew how to help people (including myself) remember this in moments of utter despair when all you can see, think, feel, act on is getting out of this world and ending this life as soon as possible!!!!

When the effort is worth it...

2010-04-29T15:44:00.003-05:00

I've known since high school that I wanted to be a counselor - before I ever had a day of therapy on my own, before I ever had any diagnoses, before any hospitalizations, etc. I somehow (umm... the somehow is probably God and being DID) managed to keep all of my crap together during semesters and use holidays for hospitalizations long enough to obtain a bachelor's degree in Psychology and a master's degree in Counseling. Once I actually did finish school, sh*t pretty much hit the fan. Best I can tell my system was tired of keeping everything together and appearing normal and was exhausted from all of the unhealthy coping skills we were engaging in.

On more than one hospital stay I was told I would never be able to be a counselor. It would be better for me to give up that ideal and focus on something I might enjoy that was within my realms of capability. So, for 4 years, I worked a job doing research at a university. It wasn't a bad job, but it wasn't glamorous or exciting. It was a no-brainer and allowed me to spend a lot of time on therapy and doing the work I needed to get things more on track. Plus, being a large corporation, I was able to get away with 2 hospitalizations while employed without the fear of being fired thanks to FMLA. Throughout this time I never gave up on my hope/dream of one day being a counselor.

Last Spring I decided I felt ready. I started applying and interviewing for counseling jobs. No full-time jobs panned out, but I got into a local university to get my Ed.S. degree in School Counseling and I was granted a graduate assistant (GA) position in the Student Counseling department. Since I already had a Master's in Counseling they gladly set me up in an office and started assigning me a caseload. Talk about jumping in head first!

It was a bit nerve wracking at first and I was very unsure of myself. However, other than issues with a co-worker that I had in Fall semester, this has been one of the best jobs of my life! I love coming to work and meeting with my clients! Tomorrow is the last day of my GA. I would continue to keep working but my contract won't let me. Since tomorrow is my last day, I'm terminating with clients and hooking them up with other counselors in our department.

I got a letter from one of my clients today b/c she said she was afraid if she tried to speak the words she would cry too hard and not get through it. She asked me to wait and read it after she left. I did. Her words touched me so deeply. Not only because we've faced some tough struggles together in her life over the past 9 months but also because her letter told me that I CAN be a counselor and a half decent one at that. It may be childish but I feel like calling up those people who told me a couldn't and sticking out my tongue and saying "na na na na! Could so do it!" Silly I know, but I'd still like to do it.

My client's letter is below. Obviously names are removed for confidentiality reasons. I don't know why I feel so strongly I want to share this letter with those of you who read this. Maybe it's just to toot my own horn. I'd like to think it goes deeper than that. I'd like to think it's another example of someone who's struggled for so long but is continuing to fight b/c someone helped her feel less alone on her journey.

Dear Bravehearts,

Well, it seems like this year has just completely flown by. Things have gotten pretty shitty for me at certain times and at other times they were great. I am so thankful that I had you to help me through my roller coaster. I have learned a lot from meeting with you for counseling, most importantly I learned that there are people in the world who make me feel less alone on this tiring journey that I have been on.
One thing I have always looked forward to was coming to our appointments. It was like a water break during a marathon.
I'm sure you remember how I felt when I first started seeing you. I have convinced myself that if I did not succeed in school then I was done - no more trying. Well, I have most certainly failed (academically - I guess), yet here I am, putting one foot in front of the other. I want you to know that you have helped me find the steam to keep walking. Thank you for that help.
I am very sad that I will not be able to come sit in your office every Wednesday at 1:00pm, but I do feel somewhat hopeful that I can find something to do that will make me feel proud and less empty.
You have a gift in what you do and I'm sure whatever way you choose to use it will make a difference to many more people, not just me.
Thanks so much for your help and much needed support. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

Gratefully,
Client

Wow! A letter like that makes all of our difficult sessions and extra sessions worth it. No doubt in my mind that this is what God has called me to do, and I love doing it. Enough said.

Issues

2010-04-29T10:26:00.003-05:00

So apparently I'm having issues right now related to my blog or my computer. I am unsure. A friend informed me that she can see the post I wrote around the Monday timeframe on my blog, yet I am logged in on a different computer than my home one and am still unable to see it. I don't know what the deal is.

So if all of you out there can see that post I thought went missing, then I guess you can just ignore my ramblings from last night and today. At least this means I'm not losing my mind. :)

New Post?

2010-04-28T23:15:00.003-05:00

I could have sworn I posted an entry on Monday but now I don't see it. Surely, I didn't imagine the whole post. I even talked about the post in therapy today. Where did it go? There seems to be no record of it.

Am I losing my mind or having computer issues? My e-mail got hacked Tuesday night. I use a different account for this blog, but maybe it messed up my computer a bit too?

Too late to figure it out tonight, but very confusing.

Oh well. Bed calls. Hopefully I'll have a more thoughtful entry tomorrow. :)

the DES

2010-04-23T10:19:00.002-05:00

So, I don't know how many of you out there have heard of or taken the DES (Dissociative Experiences Scale). I've taken it several times in my life. I took it again this past week as a follow-up and final part of a research study I've been participating in over the past 2 years. I found the results rather interesting and they also got me thinking. I think the DES is a valid instrument, but I'm currently wondering why it matters so much to so many professionals and why it is used a tool to determine one's ability to treat a potential client?

So, yeah, I was diagnosed DID about 10 years ago. I know I am DID. I know I dissociate. I also know I've made tons of progress and am actually functioning in this world rather fantastically (most of the time). I do not feel my dissociation keeps me from doing anything a "normal" person would do. I work; I'm finishing up my 2nd graduate degree; I'm getting married in 37 days, so I'm doing everything that entails; I have healthy relationships; I enjoy a lot about life these days. I really couldn't ask for things to be much better. Sure some rough stuff still comes up in therapy and I am not totally free from my past. I am still triggered from time to time and am continually still learning to trust myself, my emotions, and others.

What was surprising to me is that according to the way I scored on the DES, I should still be a wreck. According to that thing I am still crazy dissociative and looking at the results you wouldn't think I'd be able to function at all. On the other hand, I think some of the items on the DES are items that people without dissociative disorders experience. My mom can so get lost in a book and forget the world around her exists. She can be driving and end up where she wants to be but have no idea how she got there. My dad can compartmentalize anything. They don't have traumatic histories. They're about as normal as I'd say anyone ever gets. I wonder if I gave them the DES if they would score towards the end of having a disorder or not? Probably not, but I can guarantee you it would show they have some strong dissociative tendenices.

This makes me wonder if most everyone on this planet does? And if so, then how can the DES be used as an effective tool to determine whether someone is treatable or not?

Let me back up, I think the DES is a great tool to determine at what level and to what extent someone dissociates. I just don't think it should be used as diagnostically as a lot of people/clinicians use it.

You may disagree with me. This is just my two cents based on recent experiences. I will admit if I ever have a client who shows dissociative symptoms, I will probably give them the DES, but only as a means to help me figure out how best to help them in treatment - NEVER as a diagnostic tool.

Growing Pains

2010-04-20T20:20:00.002-05:00

For those of you walking the same journey of healing from childhood sexual abuse and have a diagnosis of DID like me have probably experienced some growing pains associated with healing. Sometimes it's in the form of things seeming to get worse before they get better. Sometimes it's finally making it through one set of issues only to run into another. For me, it seems the next set of issues were always there, they were just not as pressing or they were difficult to see because of my current issues. Lately, most of my growing pains have revolved around learning what 'normal every day life' is like. It's thrilling to be in a place where "normal" problems are what I deal with on a lot of days, but I've also realized I don't know how to deal with everyday life stuff and have had to learn just like I had to learn grounding and containment and all of the things to help me cope with PTSD and DID.

In the last few months I've faced a new set of growing pains. They aren't actually my growing pains, but I am direcctly affected by them. They are the growing pains of friends and family who are being forced to grow because I have grown. They are having to grow and recognize me as the person I am now. While so many have wanted me to be in a more stable place, it seems now that I am in one, it is difficult for them to recognize, honor, and respect this. In all of the places I saw challenges, I never expected to see them in helping people close to be to allow me to be the me I am now.

I do understand with some people in my life I am having to regain trust and prove that I can make smart decisions for myself b/c for a long time I was not making safe decisions if left to my own devices because I was in so much pain and wanted nothing more than for everything to end. Those poeple had to make sure I stayed safe and did not make a decision I would regret or could be fatal or final.

I must I must admit that I was surprised by several people who seem to be having issues letting me grow and heal who are in my life and who knew of my struggles but did not daily walk through them with me. There have been moments in the last couple of weeks when I wish I could call everyone together for a meeting and bring therapist and have a huge group therapy session to get everyone up to date, out of the past, and on the same page with me. LOL! I can only imagine how crazy that would be.

I am realizing what really matters most is that fiance and I are on the same page (the page we both feel God wants us on) and that therapist and I believe we are helping him understand my current issues and struggles and how he can be helpful. While it would be nice if everyone else was on board too, it doesn't really matter.

Therapist feels we are on the right track (as do I) and fiancee really gets things. When it comes down to it, that's all I need to get married in 5 1/2 weeks. Everyone else is just going to have to find a way to trust me and leave their concerns at the church door.

Who knew your growth and progress would actually cause growing pains for others in your life as well?

Changes in perspective

2010-04-12T21:07:00.001-05:00

I've been so busy with wedding stuff, wrapping up school and work stuff, some recent friend drama, that I feel I'm neglecting my inside world.

While my inside world is not so chaotic that I still lose time, switch uncontrollably, and lots of other symptoms I used to struggle with, there is still a very active world in my each. Each part with her own thoughts and feelings and running commentaries. While I continue to feel more and more connected to several of these parts, there are still a few 'outliers' that feel very foreign to me, and I sometimes forget that they are me, just as I am them.

One of these parts had a drastic change in her perspective in a therapy session a couple of weeks ago. I've wanted to blog about it and check in with her more often to see how she is doing, but before I even made it home from that therapy session where the break-thru happened, I had major drama with a bridesmaid that derailed several other parts internally and played on some of my deepest fears regarding my upcoming wedding. With all of that sorted out and back on track, I feel the need to return to this part and her changing perspective and the fall-out from that.

However, as I was telling therapist today, I can't seem to get into that space to reconnect with her. The day she shared in therapy, I felt horrible (switching headache, nausea from memories, overwhelming emotions of sadness, guilt, depression from her) but there was also a lot of clarity. Despite the awful feelings, I was looking forward to processing this experience and the progress she'd made b/c I knew it was important, and I also knew to her it didn't feel like progress, only more confusion. For whatever reason, I was not granted that opportunity.

Now, 2 weeks later, my mind knows I need to go back there and I am concerned for her, but at the same time I am feeling so drained from life in general. It's hard for me to go search her out and get back in that space with her. I know she needs me to. I think that will be the plan for therapy on Wednesday. However, if we don't get some internal work started before Wednesday, I'm not sure we'll get to her.

I'm beginning to feel the deadline of my upcoming wedding when it comes to therapy issues. My fiance is great! I couldn't ask for more. He is being so supportive. I am not worried about him pressuring me into anything I'm not ready for - even on our wedding night. I am very excited to be his wife! At the same time, there are areas that need to be addressed more in therapy and it's frustrating when life gets in the way and keeps me from being able to focus our sessions where I'd like. Lately it seems there's always some sort of mini-crisis that takes precedence in therapy.

I've been being made more and more aware of the spiritual warfare going on around me and I can't help but wonder if these are satan's distractions to keep me from goals and potential progress that will help me.... much like I find him doing when it comes to spending time with God or in the word... Distractions cause me to lose my focus and my goal more than anything else.

Okay so this has been a random blog about lots of things that aren't very coherent, but I'm still gonna post it b/c it's what's going through my head right now.

Water Works

2010-04-12T21:06:00.002-05:00

I'm in the process of writing 3 different blog entries. They are not finished because the last of the ones I will probably post (of the ones I'm currently working on) happened yesterday and has been pretty consuming all of last night and today.

However, this one is short but still something I didn't want to get away from me. I realized during therapy yesterday how I am still amazed that I can walk into a therapy session feeling great with no agenda of things I felt "had" to be discussed and all therapist has to do is ask the right set of questions or ask to talk to a specific part and BAM: water works! and not just little tears.. crocodile tears and irregular breathing.

I find myself wondering. Where does all of this hide the rest of the week? I don't walk around always feeling like I need to cry. I don't find this upsetting or disconcerting..... just an interesting observation.

Still here

2010-04-10T23:30:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone! I apologize for not posting anything in two weeks. I'm still here and kicking. There never seems to be enough time in the day to do everything I want to do and sadly blogging always seems to be at the bottom of my list of things that must get done.

Wrapping up school for the semester, passing off clients to other counselors because my GA position ends when school ends, getting ready for the wedding in 6 weeks and moving next weekend seems to leave little time for things I'd like to be taking time to do.

Forgive my if my posts continue to be sporadic until about mid-June. Everything should calm down then, and I'll be married - meaning I'm sure many parts will have lots to say regarding being married and s*x and all sorts of things that we haven't had to deal with before. Good times.

Anyways, just wanted to post to say that I'm hanging in there pretty well. I appreciate you all still stopping by and checking in.

Take care.

My Voice For Today

2010-03-26T15:32:00.002-05:00

Ahh... allergies... Yep, it's that time of year and apparently this new city that I'm living in blooms the exact things that I'm allergic to. Lucky me. I lost my voice Wed night and it has yet to return, so for now typing is my best form of communication.

It is amazing that when I get sick it seems so much easier to prioritize things, and things that seemed so important beforehand fall to the wayside without a second thought. I've been sleeping so much more this week during the daytime, but all of the "important" stuff is still getting done. I finished my homework assignment earlier in the week than I normally do. I still have a mid-term due by midnight on Sunday, but I'm not worried about it getting done. Wedding stuff is coming along, so yeah, I'm on top of things.

But I HATE not being able to talk. Verbal communication is how I stay connected to 95% of the people in my life that I care about. On days when I can't be in the physical presense of others, I always have my phone or Skype or some other way to communicate with others and feel connected.

Laringitis is my worst enemy! LOL! Okay, I can probably think of much worse things, but it is one of the few physical ailments that affects me mentally as well because I feel cut off from the rest of the world against my will.... Hmmm, bet if it dug hard enough there's some past memory and/or issue related to being cut off from the rest of the world against my will. However, since I'm sick and it's Friday, I think I'll wait and go there with therapist on Monday.

Hopefully resting all day today and tomorrow, along with staying inside and away from everything that's blooming will help my voice to return and my body to heal faster. *fingers crossed*

Familiar craziness

2010-03-22T19:22:00.003-05:00

Well, last week's unfamiliar craziness settled into old familiar craziness after therapy today. On one hand, the way we're feeling now is familiar so there's more an idea of what to expect. On the other hand, I know the potential and places this crazy can take us.

A part that seems to constantly struggle more than her fair share who disoriented us so much last week and made us aware of some things in our internal world that we were unaware of talked again in therapy today.

Let me back up just a bit. I don't have the best internal communication with this part so when she wants to fly below the radar, it's very easy for her to do. Somehow over the past few months she'd managed to take all of her feelings and memories that she held and get them outside of her. For her, this was the most peace she's ever felt. She told therapist today that her body now feels hollow and that she doesn't feel anything. The only drawback to having everything out of her is that it had her completely cut off from the external world, thus the total disorientation.

During therapy today, the black hands (as she calls them) tried to pull her back in while she was forward like they did last session. Therapist worked hard to help keep this part forward. I guess it was working b/c the black hands decided to push all of her feelings and memories back up into her while she was forward since they weren't able to pull her down into it. It was the craziest thing to watch from the inside. It was like all of these pictures and feelings and words filled her hollow body up like a liquid going into a pitcher until she was completely full again.

The pain of having everything back had her wailing in therapy for a bit, then she seemed to very quicky resign to the idea that this is "her lot in life." She then started asking questions about the outside world that she's been missing out on. She was rather surprised to learn that the wedding that was forever away when she first found out is only 2 months away. She has agreed to talk to therapist about her fears and try to understand why marriage and having a man around all the time is a good idea, but I'll admit that I'm scared.

I know she will work hard, but I've been so excited that my wedding is getting close. I feel ready to be married and wish the wedding was next weekend (except for the fact that everything's not done yet). With this part always being the most against an intimate relationship with another human being, especially a male now able to and interested in paying attention to the outside world again, 2 months does NOT feel like enough time. Therapist says she believes this part does not have the energy or is oriented enough to the present yet to sabotage my relationship with fiancee or do something to call the wedding off, but I'm not as convinced. This part is the one who managed to tie our bed sheet in a knot to the bed and the other end into a noose around our neck and try to strangle us while having a flashback in an inpatient hospital. There is the potential she could have succeeded had staff not intervened.

I'm not expecting this part to act on anything anytime soon and hopefully not at all. Still, I hated the familiar thoughts and feelings that were going through my head as I drove home today. At one point, we drove past a truck on the interstate who had a casket company logo on the side. The thought that went through my head.... "I want to be in a casket. I want to stop breathing and rest forever." No part of me planned to do anything to act on those thoughts, but I guess I just got used to not having thoughts like that automatically flow through my head.

For now, I guess we're just going to consider this a work in progress and stay hopeful. :-P

Hello craziness!

2010-03-16T18:20:00.002-05:00

Alas, as much as I want to pretend my head is completely "normal" (whatever that means) most of the time, I am occassionally reminded of the craziness that still exists inside, biding its time while I go on with my external life. I don't think I've been trying to pretend things are okay with all parts inside when they're not. I think I've just been allowing myself to be oblivious and not purposely look at anything that appears chaotic or reminiscent of old, painful feelings.

Therapist will be frustrated that I used the word crazy in this post if she reads it. We both know that I'm not literally crazy, but I don't know how else to explain the chaotic, unrealistic things that my mind is able to create. I tell people new to DID all the time that nothing that may share is crazy b/c DID manifests itself differently in every person and is based on a person's creativity. It doesn't have to be viable in the 3D world. It just has to be sustainable in your internal world.

Yet I found myself in therapy yesterday explaining things going on inside to therapist and admitting that those things sounded rediculous as they were coming out of my mouth. I have learned over time that arguing with myself or parts about the reality or validity of the things going on is futile. Whether it makes sense or seems possible or not to me is pointless. It is real to the part(s) experiencing it and I know I must honor that.

Knowing this, I'm looking at entering another scary place in therapy that I don't really want to try to go while I'm working, going to school and planning a wedding. But hey, when has my system decided to do the hard work when my life isn't stressful? Plus, I know me. The better I feel, the busier I'll get, and I won't ever address some things unless I'm made to. :P

I'm finding the motivation to continue to do the hard work in therapy is much less when I'm not in a desperate place where I need things to change just in order to want to stay alive. Things aren't where I want them in my life, but they're good enough for now. This mindset makes it so hard for me to want to push through and continue doing the difficult and painful work that always makes you feel worse before you feel better. I know I need to do this work b/c I want all of me to feel as good as the one part of me writing this blog tonight feels. I also definitely don't want to backslide to where I was!! That alone should be motivation enough.

I'm Still Here

2010-03-14T11:40:00.002-05:00

Hello to anyone still keeping up with my blog. I'm still here. Today feels like the first day in several days that I've had the opportunity to try to blog. Things are going well. Most days I feel like I'm just playing catch up all day. It always seems that there's more to do that I can get done and I'm always running about 2 or 3 steps behind. Having no fixed plans this weekend has helped me at least start to feel on top of things again and get some much needed rest.

There are lots of things I could talk about or focus on because it's been over a week since I've blogged, but it can all basically be summed up in one main issue. Therapy is tough right now, but I don't have time to process it once I walk out of therapist's office because life is in full gear. This is posing some problems internally. And I haven't been as disoriented as I was walking out of this past Wednesday's session in years. Unfortunately, there was no time that evening to process things more, and I've just been having to run on auto pilot.

I'm having lunch with a dear friend in about an hour. I'm hoping to get her take on how to balance external life and some severe struggles internally without letting either one overtake the other and end up in absolute chaos.

Mostly I just feel like I wish I could pause life for a bit so I could process some things internally that really need to be processed without getting behind in school, wedding planning, and without neglecting my fiancee and others that are important to me in my life.